owwwwwww....
that is all.
:-p
Friday, June 29, 2012
Whyyyyy????? Pls excuse errors I'm typing on my iPod and the preview isn't working
Why am I such a bitch?? I feel terrible and it has nothing to do with the punishment I have waiting for me tonight (that actually relieves me a little that there is something we can do to help us both feel better.), but because I was so mean and hateful to My Man. :-(
So, this morning when he was getting ready for work we got into a disagreement over finances. We have a grocery budget, he is the only one working, and he doesn't make a super lot, and I know all of this. But, I still feel like he is a miser sometimes, maybe it's because I was in my mid 20's by the time I got married but I hate hate hate having to ASK for money!! And I hate even more havin to explain why I want it. I don't want I have to justify my spending habits to anyone! (hence my 2k in credit card debt and at least a portion of our 6k credit card debt now) I convinced him to give me some of next weeks grocery money in case there were good deals today and he even gave me money so I could get a drink and bagel at panera. This fight continued in the car and got to a point where he said "you asked me to take charge And this is an area I actually WANT to take charge in." I replied something about how I hate him taking charge in this area and I should be allowed to spend what I want. Then I started saying rude stuff, I honestly don't Ben remember, Ooooh wait yes I do, I asked him recently to help me stop cussing. I said "I F@@@ing hate that you are in charge!!" he smacked my thigh, we had agreed he wouldn't smack me without saying something so I flipped out and said "you don't get to spank thigh!! I didn't give permission!!!" he replied "I don't need our permission YOU put a collar on this morning."(therefore showing him I choose to submit to him) I ripped off the collar and THREW it at him. ;-( (I will admit bc it has a hefty charms bracelet on it right now it made a very nice this as it hit him *halo*) he had the opposite response I thought he would, he was super calm and gentle and told me he loves me and basically calmed me down enough that I saw what a beast I was and I felt really bad. I apologized, he smiled and said, " I love you. You will be punished for that btw, but I have to go into work now so we will deal with his tonight." I feel so terrible!! The saddest part is when I told him I can't believe I acted this way the first time he really laid down the law he said he expected it and was not surprised. :-( :-(
I want to submit and honor and obey and be a blessing as a wife not a curse!! I really truly do. Throwing something at him cussing at him yelling at him 100% not okay in an egalitarian marriage let alone ours!! :-( when will I grow up?
Chores chores go away...
this young lady wants to play!! Please feel free to stay at bay, chores chores go away! ;-)
Actually, I feel very proud of myself I completed the chores assigned to me yesterday, and because my dear sister and nephews are coming over today I did today's before 8am!! I'm a good little girl!! (as evidenced by my amazing "erotic spanking" last night followed by good sex and a decent "buzz" :-D)
My Man has been VERY busy planning and plotting... tomorrow "all day" we are doing an experiment and "playing" - we'll see how it turns out! The closer we get the less nervous I get and the more excited. :-D
I am going to try to start a series soon on my "life's story". I think there is a lot that goes into why I love to be spanked (sometimes... in some ways... ;-)) and why I feel the need to take boundaries and run with them.
BTW, taking pics down because My Man doesn't feel comfortable with his face on here. He says if I want mine on here it's ok, but just to be safe I'm going to go ahead and take them down. I may return at a future date :)
Love!!
Actually, I feel very proud of myself I completed the chores assigned to me yesterday, and because my dear sister and nephews are coming over today I did today's before 8am!! I'm a good little girl!! (as evidenced by my amazing "erotic spanking" last night followed by good sex and a decent "buzz" :-D)
My Man has been VERY busy planning and plotting... tomorrow "all day" we are doing an experiment and "playing" - we'll see how it turns out! The closer we get the less nervous I get and the more excited. :-D
I am going to try to start a series soon on my "life's story". I think there is a lot that goes into why I love to be spanked (sometimes... in some ways... ;-)) and why I feel the need to take boundaries and run with them.
BTW, taking pics down because My Man doesn't feel comfortable with his face on here. He says if I want mine on here it's ok, but just to be safe I'm going to go ahead and take them down. I may return at a future date :)
Love!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Aww I was so proud/excited...
I was so proud of Carter's for having a non-pc saying on this onesie... then I read the fine print :-p
Oh My Goodness!
So, My Man came home last night and after dinner spanked me over the credit card debaucle. It was not nearly as big a deal as I had thought it would be, he told me later he forgot he had informed me previously that it would be a bigger deal.
But, then later I did something just to provoke him (FYI bottom, OTK, spankings are my fave, I revel in them no matter how much it hurts) and he spanked me again, this time almost completely on the top of my thighs, right UNDER my butt - I thought I was gonna die, and when I thought he was finished he just STARTED OVER! I was kicking and making quite a fuss... apparently from now on any "punishment spankings" are going to be that way and "erotic spankings" will be on my butt. He says he has seen that getting spanked is not a deterrent and he thinks I need to earn my butt being spanked. *sigh* I know this is good for me, but it's a lot easier to earn punishments than it is rewards. ;-)
In other news - we had some marital counseling with our pastor today. We have been trying to meet weekly, so he can help us with our marriage. It can be hard when we don't feel comfortable sharing our "kinky side" very fully, but we make it work. :) He can totally help us with our sin. Today we talked about porn and erotica and his opinions on couples doing these things TOGETHER in order to enhance their marriage. He is SO good at sharing his thoughts without being condemning of those who have different convictions. :) His basic thought was that A: If it tempts you towards sin don't do it. :) B: that if you have to do it in order to have intimacy than it is not enhancing it's hurting. and C: that the Bible is very clear we are to keep our marriage bed holy and undefiled, but those things looks different for different couples. He reiterated what he has shared in the past that as long as it is legal and not going against either persons convictions married couples have a LOT of freedom in how their marriage and intimacy plays out. He also really stresses that sex and intimacy was created for mutual pleasure not self-pleasure. I think My Man and I will have to talk about this all a lot and see what is good for us.
After we met with our pastor we as a couple were able to talk more about our expectations and desires. We were able to define for ourselves the differences between "sub" and "slave" as far as we are concerned. I know that in many ways they are just words that mean the same things, but for us there are some key differences. For US the words would a connotate a slave being there solely for the purpose of the Master's pleasure and whim, and could lead more towards selfishness on the part of the Master and the sub is there to obey her Dom, but also to be taken care of by her Dom. That she can trust that at all times the Dom is looking out for her best interest rather than his own. This doesn't mean the Dom does not use the sub for his own pleasure and sexual gratification, but that those are always done our of love and respect? I feel like I am not explaining it well - it's not that we think those in a M/s relationship the M is a selfish bastard with no regard for the s... it's more like for us that is a way we can clarify what we are to each other?
We are going to attempt a TPE for all of Saturday... I am really nervous and kind of freaked out. Not because I don't trust him 'cause I 100% do.. it's more that I don't trust myself. I am worried I am going to have a break down and not go along or that I am going to get tired of him bossing me around and cause problems. I so WANT to submit to him - Biblically as his wife, and for our sexual/otherwise fun/enjoyment in this lifestyle we are dipping our toes into, but I am also an incredibly strong willed annoying "witch" and I can totally ruin all the fun when I get bullheaded. We'll see...
Last thing is that on Thur/Fri next week we are going to an S&M workshop and a "bondage night" at an S&M night club. I am super excited and nervous... I am scared more of the other people who we will meet than anything else. :-p
But, then later I did something just to provoke him (FYI bottom, OTK, spankings are my fave, I revel in them no matter how much it hurts) and he spanked me again, this time almost completely on the top of my thighs, right UNDER my butt - I thought I was gonna die, and when I thought he was finished he just STARTED OVER! I was kicking and making quite a fuss... apparently from now on any "punishment spankings" are going to be that way and "erotic spankings" will be on my butt. He says he has seen that getting spanked is not a deterrent and he thinks I need to earn my butt being spanked. *sigh* I know this is good for me, but it's a lot easier to earn punishments than it is rewards. ;-)
In other news - we had some marital counseling with our pastor today. We have been trying to meet weekly, so he can help us with our marriage. It can be hard when we don't feel comfortable sharing our "kinky side" very fully, but we make it work. :) He can totally help us with our sin. Today we talked about porn and erotica and his opinions on couples doing these things TOGETHER in order to enhance their marriage. He is SO good at sharing his thoughts without being condemning of those who have different convictions. :) His basic thought was that A: If it tempts you towards sin don't do it. :) B: that if you have to do it in order to have intimacy than it is not enhancing it's hurting. and C: that the Bible is very clear we are to keep our marriage bed holy and undefiled, but those things looks different for different couples. He reiterated what he has shared in the past that as long as it is legal and not going against either persons convictions married couples have a LOT of freedom in how their marriage and intimacy plays out. He also really stresses that sex and intimacy was created for mutual pleasure not self-pleasure. I think My Man and I will have to talk about this all a lot and see what is good for us.
After we met with our pastor we as a couple were able to talk more about our expectations and desires. We were able to define for ourselves the differences between "sub" and "slave" as far as we are concerned. I know that in many ways they are just words that mean the same things, but for us there are some key differences. For US the words would a connotate a slave being there solely for the purpose of the Master's pleasure and whim, and could lead more towards selfishness on the part of the Master and the sub is there to obey her Dom, but also to be taken care of by her Dom. That she can trust that at all times the Dom is looking out for her best interest rather than his own. This doesn't mean the Dom does not use the sub for his own pleasure and sexual gratification, but that those are always done our of love and respect? I feel like I am not explaining it well - it's not that we think those in a M/s relationship the M is a selfish bastard with no regard for the s... it's more like for us that is a way we can clarify what we are to each other?
We are going to attempt a TPE for all of Saturday... I am really nervous and kind of freaked out. Not because I don't trust him 'cause I 100% do.. it's more that I don't trust myself. I am worried I am going to have a break down and not go along or that I am going to get tired of him bossing me around and cause problems. I so WANT to submit to him - Biblically as his wife, and for our sexual/otherwise fun/enjoyment in this lifestyle we are dipping our toes into, but I am also an incredibly strong willed annoying "witch" and I can totally ruin all the fun when I get bullheaded. We'll see...
Last thing is that on Thur/Fri next week we are going to an S&M workshop and a "bondage night" at an S&M night club. I am super excited and nervous... I am scared more of the other people who we will meet than anything else. :-p
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
apparently...
our conversation did some good. in the past 2 hours i have been informed
1. because i used the credit card w/o permission (for like the 3rd time since we made this a rule) i will definitely be getting "a red bottom" and potentially something else because "just spanking isn't motivating you"
2. saturday is going to be "all submitting all day"
and 3. monday night is going to be late and full. plan on it.
i am nervous, but i do love to see him taking charge. *grin*
In other News - he got a flogger recently we have not tried, and today we got 2 packages which i assume contain nipple clamps and butt plugs. oh joy. :-p :-)
1. because i used the credit card w/o permission (for like the 3rd time since we made this a rule) i will definitely be getting "a red bottom" and potentially something else because "just spanking isn't motivating you"
2. saturday is going to be "all submitting all day"
and 3. monday night is going to be late and full. plan on it.
i am nervous, but i do love to see him taking charge. *grin*
In other News - he got a flogger recently we have not tried, and today we got 2 packages which i assume contain nipple clamps and butt plugs. oh joy. :-p :-)
He Woke Up :)
So, I went and snuggled My Man at 10am - he told me yesterday that his preference is that I come in and snuggle with him to wake him up rather than letting him sleep in more. (he is working the night shift right now)
We had sex, but it was very vanilla and not very...satisfying.
Afterwards we came down and I started reading blogs and he started watching a movie.
After awhile I broke down and told him I feel unsatisfied and like he has given up. He told me he pretty much has because he never knows what my response is going to be.
So, we talked more and he gave me some input on how to let him know what I am feeling. He also gave me homework for the day to write out some fantasies and hard&soft limits... I wish he were a mind reader - I want him to just DOMINATE me and not give in no matter how hard i plead (unless I safe word :))
Even the different colored collars idea I don't like because it's still me calling the shots. So he told me I'll just wear black for now. (which means I do whatever he says :))
We had sex, but it was very vanilla and not very...satisfying.
Afterwards we came down and I started reading blogs and he started watching a movie.
After awhile I broke down and told him I feel unsatisfied and like he has given up. He told me he pretty much has because he never knows what my response is going to be.
So, we talked more and he gave me some input on how to let him know what I am feeling. He also gave me homework for the day to write out some fantasies and hard&soft limits... I wish he were a mind reader - I want him to just DOMINATE me and not give in no matter how hard i plead (unless I safe word :))
Even the different colored collars idea I don't like because it's still me calling the shots. So he told me I'll just wear black for now. (which means I do whatever he says :))
*Le Sigh*
Yesterday I was super hyped up all day - the best mood I have had in AGES!! This probably highly motivated by the fact that I was reading Kristen Ashley's "Knight" and sat outside in the sunshine for a long time. YAY SUMMER! :-) But, all day I was excited about My Man coming home - I was going to pick him up from work in only a skimpy summer dress (and when I say only I mean... ONLY ) and a black "collar" (We are doing a "collar" experiment, where I wear a different colored ribbon around my neck to depict my "sexual mood", but also to signify that I am his. :)). (Black means "I am yours do with me what you like, but I hope you like to tie me up and give me erotic spankings" :-) )
We had been texting throughout the day. He seemed on board with this.
On my way to pick him up he confesses that he had looked at porn that day... and I crumbled. My previously good mood shot down in an instant. All of the sudden my desire to be dominated and ravished was replaced with sadness, anger, and lethargy. If I am not worth all of his attention and affection than what's the point? Why put out the effort if I know that he can get his needs met virtually...and by someone more agile, flexible, and attractive than I am?
He was so apologetic and repentant, and I tried to be forgiving and not bitter... but the mood was shot. I came home and put on pajama pants and he watched a movie while I finished my book. Not at all what I'd had in mind. We talked about having some fun this morning, but... I am still feeling "undesirous".
Do others have this problem? Or maybe it's not a problem for you - do you care if your guy looks at porn? Does he? And is erotica the same as visual porn?? I just don't know... Me reading books that involve spanking just makes me want him so much more, so as of now he has encouraged this and I have done it. But... him looking at porn doesn't give either of us the same result - he just leaves feeling dirty and I feel abandoned.
Any thoughts?
We had been texting throughout the day. He seemed on board with this.
On my way to pick him up he confesses that he had looked at porn that day... and I crumbled. My previously good mood shot down in an instant. All of the sudden my desire to be dominated and ravished was replaced with sadness, anger, and lethargy. If I am not worth all of his attention and affection than what's the point? Why put out the effort if I know that he can get his needs met virtually...and by someone more agile, flexible, and attractive than I am?
He was so apologetic and repentant, and I tried to be forgiving and not bitter... but the mood was shot. I came home and put on pajama pants and he watched a movie while I finished my book. Not at all what I'd had in mind. We talked about having some fun this morning, but... I am still feeling "undesirous".
Do others have this problem? Or maybe it's not a problem for you - do you care if your guy looks at porn? Does he? And is erotica the same as visual porn?? I just don't know... Me reading books that involve spanking just makes me want him so much more, so as of now he has encouraged this and I have done it. But... him looking at porn doesn't give either of us the same result - he just leaves feeling dirty and I feel abandoned.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Introductions are so dumb...
I am starting a blog because I feel like it's creepy, and a bit unfair, of me to read/stalk other's blogs if I don't have anything to say myself. And I DO have things to say myself - it's just I can't say the thoughts I have or things I am experiencing to anyone in real life. At least not some of them. :)
I have been married for 3 years, I am 28 years old, I married the first man I ever kissed, held hands with, dated, etc etc etc. We met when I was 10 and he was 6. We were semi friends from the times I was 21 until 24. And 3 months before my 25th birthday he asked me to court him. First girl he'd ever done anything with, and he chose me. 3 months before my 26th birthday we were married.
We had experimented with a lot of things involving spanking from the time we started courting (We were so bad... :-p) until recently. But, we were over and over and over met with frustration. I wanted to be spanked, but I didn't want sex... because I did not connect them. I did not want them connected. To me sex and spanking together was a perversion... but then who was I kidding the fact that I am an adult woman who WANTS her man to discipline and punish her physically is a perversion in many people's eyes. Then about a month ago through various things (not the least of which was reading the Shades of Grey trilogy together :) and secondarily was finding a now defunct blog called God's Gift to Him) something just... clicked inside of me. I realized that I NEED to be dominated. I am NOT a naturally submissive person in any regard, but there is something about my Man proving that he loves me enough to stand strong when I am out of control that just fulfills something deep inside of me that I didn't know I needed.
so, we are working on it right now. We keep running into walls where I don't know if this is really what I want - one minute I want to be dominated and the next I am cussing him out for giving me a command I don't agree with. (Like, telling me to eat a snack and go to bed because I am crying uncontrollably about...nothing I can think of, obviously exhausted, and freaking out over everything. He is definitely abusive in wanting me to take care of myself. *eye roll*) He keeps finding himself in a spot where he can either stand really strong and give me "what i so richly deserve" or he can completely turn off the dominance and just treat me tenderly. He WANTS to do what I need, He WANTS to truly be my provider and provide for me, but because I am so flip floppy he can't really get a good handle of what I actually need.
So... we're working on it.
:)
I have been married for 3 years, I am 28 years old, I married the first man I ever kissed, held hands with, dated, etc etc etc. We met when I was 10 and he was 6. We were semi friends from the times I was 21 until 24. And 3 months before my 25th birthday he asked me to court him. First girl he'd ever done anything with, and he chose me. 3 months before my 26th birthday we were married.
We had experimented with a lot of things involving spanking from the time we started courting (We were so bad... :-p) until recently. But, we were over and over and over met with frustration. I wanted to be spanked, but I didn't want sex... because I did not connect them. I did not want them connected. To me sex and spanking together was a perversion... but then who was I kidding the fact that I am an adult woman who WANTS her man to discipline and punish her physically is a perversion in many people's eyes. Then about a month ago through various things (not the least of which was reading the Shades of Grey trilogy together :) and secondarily was finding a now defunct blog called God's Gift to Him) something just... clicked inside of me. I realized that I NEED to be dominated. I am NOT a naturally submissive person in any regard, but there is something about my Man proving that he loves me enough to stand strong when I am out of control that just fulfills something deep inside of me that I didn't know I needed.
so, we are working on it right now. We keep running into walls where I don't know if this is really what I want - one minute I want to be dominated and the next I am cussing him out for giving me a command I don't agree with. (Like, telling me to eat a snack and go to bed because I am crying uncontrollably about...nothing I can think of, obviously exhausted, and freaking out over everything. He is definitely abusive in wanting me to take care of myself. *eye roll*) He keeps finding himself in a spot where he can either stand really strong and give me "what i so richly deserve" or he can completely turn off the dominance and just treat me tenderly. He WANTS to do what I need, He WANTS to truly be my provider and provide for me, but because I am so flip floppy he can't really get a good handle of what I actually need.
So... we're working on it.
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