... But against abortion.
Ok, what I MEAN is... I say "my body my choice" as far as "touch"... if I don't want him to touch me in a certain way or a certain place I think he should immediately remove his hands and honor my request. To respect me in that way.
He feels like it is his job as an HoH to stretch and grow me and so it means acclimating me to his touch in certain places.
I have gotten to the point where most of the month I can suffer through, grit my teeth and bear it, but I REALLY don't like him touching my vagina with his hands/fingers AT ALL! I never ENJOY it... in the heat of passionate making out and sex I can distinguish that there is some physical pleasure, but I still don't LIKE it and wouldn't seek it out.
I really think it is outside of his rights as My Man to overrule my wishes about my own body. Let me rephrase, 'cause I think he has the right to say "Don't dye your hair" or "Don't pierce your tongue"... I guess I more mean if I say "No" to him touching me no MEANS no... and he doesn't see it that way. He feels it's okay to demand kisses and hugs and me to sit in his lap...and I don't agree wholeheartedly, but I comply because I can see a place for it, but I HATE MY VAGINA being touched I HATE HATE HATE being molested and... to me if I have repeatedly told him I DONT LIKE IT! And he keeps doing it, then it's not him stretching and growing me, it's him being a selfish ass because he wants a wife who will enjoy it or like it.
I know his heart is for me... I know he actually wants my best and my good...I know that he thinks eventually I will get over my hatred and fears and be able to experience pleasure from it, so it's not ACTUALLY him being an ass, but... it's been almost 4 years and we STILL have me melting down and entire body shaking sobs when he continues... I think it's okay for me to have this one thing where I don't let him "lead" where he doesn't get to "own" it. He says for a "Dommy guy" the words "You can't have this part of me" are just an invitation to pursue and conquer that. It's like a locked door where he just has to kick it down.
I have tried the respectful route, I have tried the angry route, I have tried the "shut down and let him do it as long as you can" route, I have tried everything and he still feel it's best. I DONT.
I don't know... what do you guys think? Is there a time and place for me to say "No. I don't like it. I don't want it. No."?
**We do think someone at some point molested me and I just have no recollection**
I used to feel the same exact way (and also suspected that it was related to an early molestation that I can't quite remember-- something with a closet is all I can get out of my memory bank). I used to HATE being fingered.
ReplyDeleteMy husband did eventually manage to help me overcome it, and now it is sometimes even more pleasurable to me than full penetration, especially if he works the g-spot.
But I'm hearing that it's a hard limit for you.
It's also true that a dominant's role is to push our limits. So maybe for now that one's a hard limit (but not sitting on laps, being kissed, etc). It can always be revisited every so often, tested to see if it's still a hard limit, but respected if it is. Does that make sense?
I am trying to remember what helped me get over it, and honestly, I think it was childbirth. Post childbirth, the sensations weren't as intense and I actually liked the sort of additional stimulation that fingers can do. Or maybe they just felt different, I don't know.
But I do get it, and you consistently feeling violated isn't going to help you get over your aversion. In cases where abuse occurred, these aren't limits to be pushed with dominance, they are limits to be pushed with infinite love and care.
I hope that helps.
hugs to you!
Thank you SO much!! I dunno why, but just someone validating what I am saying made me tear up. And I hate that because I don't mean he just ignores me, but... yeah... thank you. :)
DeleteI started bursting into tears when I would hear the happy b-day song they used to sing at Chuck E Cheese's, I have strange memories of my b-day party there when I was 6 or 8... it's also around that time a lil' older that I started hating it when ANY male over like 10 would hug me and pat my back or anything... really odd.
Oh honey. Yes, you're probably onto it. I also had an inexplicable fear of men and don't masturbate using my fingers inside me.
DeleteWorking through your fears with the man you feel love and feel safe with can be a wonderful way to resolve it, but it needs to be at your pace so you feel safe.
Ultimately, your man is trying to pleasure you, so if he truly understands that it takes you completely out of pleasure mode and into "yuck" (that's how I felt about it-- that it was just ICKY) he might be a bit more delicate with pushing limits.
Big hug to you.
Nah, he 100% understands... I can't be anymore clear about it. He just really thinks that A: Eventually I will acclimate and B: It's a submission thing. That having any part of my body I don't want him touching is holding myself back from him. And I get angry and sad everytime I talk about it. *sigh* It seems the more I talk about it, the less I am able to portray him as loving and selfless. 'cause it doesn't FEEL loving and selfless to me.
DeleteI agree, I am pro choice, and would never get an abortion, but that doesn't change the fact that everybody deserves to have a choice!
ReplyDeleteThat said, this dynamic often includes one person giving the other the right to do whatever he/she wants to do. You guys should address this when not in the heat of the moment, but I do think doing it when you have clearly told him you don't like it, is not okay, and he shouldn't even want to touch you if you don't like it. Just my opinion.
Furthermore, I do think you should think about why this could be going on, and what you can do about it. Do you touch yourself? For pleasure, or just cause you are naked and bored? (aka, I do that...)
Julia, I hate touching myself too - lol! The hitachi is amazing, but anything else is boring or hurts or is just blaaagh
DeleteI am sure after this post we'll talk lots ;-)
Yes, well communication is so important! Lol. Happy talking!
DeleteThanks!! We did talk and... it didn't go like I expected. Usually after we have cooled down and we are talking rationally about stuff like this he becomes rational, but he REALLY think he is right in this and REALLY thinks other loving HoH's would agree with him that it's right for him to push me in this way and it's wrong for me to tell him not to, or rather that when I tell him that it's right for him to not stop molesting me. :)
DeleteI am sorry that is going on. At the beginning DH and I would have conversations about DD while stepping out of our roles. It helped us see it from outside, discuss things without hurting one another.
DeleteHow about seeing a therapist? Maybe just you, but maybe with the two of you present?
Sweetie I agree with Julia that you need to understand why you feel this way about your vagina being touched, but having said that he should respect your limits. Perhaps you should speak to your Dr. If it's something physical he/she may be able to help you and if it's something emotional the Dr. may be able to steer you in the right direction and perhaps speak to your husband to help him understand better.
ReplyDeleteYeah, years ago we wanted to go to a sex therapist because of how i feel a lot of the time about it, but when the sex got better we kinda pushed it to the back burner. This is pretty much the only residual thing.... i mean I hate any touch i did not initiate. Even little kids coming up and touching me I feel icky, but I get over it. This one I can't get over as easily.
DeleteHello, I'd like to offer an HoH's opinion. I hope that I do not fluster you and nor do I seek to offend. That out of the way I have to say that it's important that you both understand why you feel this way. Touch both giving and recieving is a healthy part of any relationship and is often times an extension of affection and love. I would agree with Mrs. D in her suggestion of seeing a Dr. or Therapist.
ReplyDeleteI would also suggest that learning to understand your roles in your relationship as well as spending some time reaffirming these roles might be a very healthy thing for both of you. Pushing limits can be healthy, but again I'd say he should also spend some time understanding what does and what doesen't feel good to you.
Again I hope I don't come off as preachy, just trying to help. Wish you both all the best.
- Ward
Hi Ward!
DeleteThank you SO much for your reply!! I am really wanting as many HoH's input on this as I can get. My Man says he is going to think about it and write up his view of this situation.
It's funny, we both read your reply and walked about like you were validating our individual points of view. ;-)
He keeps asking me if I want him to be an HoH/Dom or not...and I REALLY think that the answer is Yes. But, I feel scared as well because he really believes that as an HoH he has the right to any part of my body, no holds barred, and while he has to consider me and not push me into panic attacks I don't get to say "This is not okay". **sigh**
I just don't think that authority stretches to things like this... it's not like "I don't like doing the dishes, but I will anyways"...it's deeper and more personal than that.
**sigh** I am pushing myself into a panic again. :-p
Hi SWeetie, No means no no matter what and yes he is being an a**. It is quite clear you are okay with everything else so he should respect your hard limit. I do think that maybe you should talk to a medical professional about it though and it would perhaps help you both to understand why you have this problem. Bless you, Jan.xx
ReplyDeleteThank you!!
DeleteIn fairness to him it's really not like he is trying this every day, it's maybe a once a week once a month kind of thing, but considering we are almost 4 years in and my response and feelings about it haven't changed I would tend to agree.
AND to be fair to him, I don't ENJOY a lot of physical contact anyways, so it is my default to pull away, so he doesn't see how this is different than me not wanting to hug him or turning my head when he goes to kiss me. He says it's a "degrees" thing... like I don't like kissing at a 5 and I don't like clitoral stimulation at a 9, but both are withdrawing from him?
Sorry sweetie, what ever degree he is still an a**. He needs help as much as you do, love Jan.xx
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