What's been on my heart and mind recently....

(this could get long ;-))

We have not had any kinky fuckery in a long LONG time. I take most of the blame for that one - I have not enjoyed anything beyond snuggling and intercourse in a long time, so I guess he has stopped trying. Plus, we have been really busy and tired and.. there are a million reasons. But bottom line is we have not had any. I mean honestly, in this entire month *including a whole week of vacation* I think we've had sex maybe 5 times? Maybe? I just doesn't seem to happen on it's own very well and when it comes time to actually plan it or think about it there are such easier ways to connect. :-p

But, I think I miss it. I don't really know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the pain. (He told me last night it would turn him on immensely to cover me in stripes and I practically threw up) I don't miss the "inferior" feeling. (Honestly, lately I have been wishing we had a much more equal marriage. Everytime I try to bring it up he says "We have a partial power exchange which means it's not equal. And that REALLY wears on me. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly that bothers me - it's not like he is coming home from work "Woman! Feed me! Kneel at my feet!" He is always looking out for my best interest. We eat at the restaurants I like. We go to the places I like. We watch TV shows we both want. It's not like he is lording over me. But, I think it really boils down to the punishment aspect. I can't handle that if I mess up, intentionally or accidentally, defiantly or carelessly, he can decide whether you punish or extend grace. Yet, when he does the very same things - or other things that I am annoyed or bothered by, my only recourse is to say "I don't think that was a good idea." "I didn't like that." "Please don't do that" and than it's over. It's not like I want beat him (ok sometimes I do ;-))...it's more IF he can spank, ground, etc me then I want consequences for him as well. And if I can't do those things to him - if he is going to be treated like an adult...than I want to be treated like an adult too. Part of it is just knowing that if he decides to do something that I have no power. I can give my thoughts and opinions. I can be bold. If it's something towards me I can obviously safeword. But... I don't have the ultimate control. Whereas on the other side of the equation if he feels strongly about something he can force me to do it or not do it. I don't like that. And it's not like he is punishing me these days. It's been a long time except for one little play session weeks ago. It's just the knowing that he can. And when I try to express myself he always boils it down to "Then give me your collar. The minute you no longer want this we can stop, but you have to give me your collar." And... I REALLY don't want that. Can't I be his cherished, chosen, protected woman without having to give up my equality? I dunno) I don't miss the humiliation. I wish I could put my finger on what I do miss and what I am lacking though.

I was talking with some ladies today about perfect dates, and I realized my favorite "date" of our entire marriage was where he took me away for a weekend and he planned EVERYTHING! He chose a hotel, he chose the activities, he chose the restaurants...and the entire thing was to bless me. To make me feel special. He picked the things he thought I would most like and feel most loved through.  Maybe that's what is missing or what feels like it's lacking. The times when he "takes charge" seem to always be for his own pleasure and satisfaction or ease. I REALLY don't mean that in a "he doesn't take care of me" way - AT ALL! He is amazing about taking care of me. He almost always gives me what I ask for. (If I say "I really want Taco Bell" and he has a dollar he'll go get me Taco Bell :)) But those times when he does pull the "Dom card" seem like when I am doing something that annoys or bothers him. It's never "You seem really tired - I want you to go lie down" or "You're hungry go eat." (ok that one still does happen sometimes ;-)) it's more him centric. I dunno...

Maybe I am just selfish. I mean I KNOW I am selfish. I actually told him a couple of weeks ago "I don't want to be a slave or a submissive. I want to be a princess" *grin* And it's true. I want him to cherish me and take care of me and provide for me and not cater to me, but... do everything for my good? To think "What would make her the most happen tonight" and act on that. And I feel like I do that for him. I try to foresee his needs and desires before he says anything before he asks. Not all the time, not as much as I should, but more than he does? And maybe he does and I don't even see it.

I am so rambling and probably just making myself sounds like a crazy bitch. :)



And because I like memes ;-)


(this next one makes me think of one of My Ma's fave comics :))


awwww