What do I WANT?

We keep going in circles on this whole thing because I cannot figure out what I want. I feel so twisted in to knots so much of the time.

Someone asked me today what to do about feeling like a doormat? And I don't know. I decided to post here what I said to her to see if it helps me at all or if anyone reading this has any insights.

I *want* to be in a relationship where he takes charge because he loves me and he wants to protect me, but I *need* to be in a relationship where we are 100% equal and I am not afraid of losing my voice. The Part I put ** *** around is what I think is really key here. It's not fair to say "It only turns me on if it doesn't turn you on"...and I don't think that is actually my thinking or motivation. It's not that I DONT want him turned on it's that I get scared that I am feeding the ego of a man? I don't want to encourage "I am man therefore I am in charge/control I AM BOSS!" I dunno... My head hurts from trying to figure it out.

Anyways, here is what I said to her

"I grew up surrounded by, and even to some extent my own home was, very patriarchal "men are over women, fathers and husbands are the boss and can do no wrong, girls are here to cook, clean, and populate the earth" :) I was 100% certain that I was going to be a raging feminist! Just because I have a vagina doesn't make me any less of a person!! ROAR! ;-)

But, then I started to have doubts because... as much as I thought forcing women into subservient roles to men was abhorrent.... I craved being under a man's protection. Being under a man's intentional care. I was madly turned on by the thought of being spanked or punished for wrongs.

I finally reconciled it for myself a bit last summer with "choice" I am not "under" My Man because he has a penis, but because I CHOOSE to be. I WANT to be. I am saying "I am equal to you as a human being, but in our relationship I need/want a boss" Therefore it's not something thrust upon me it's something I am choosing for myself.

MY problem comes that in the day to day life I DON'T love it? I don't enjoy him exerting control or dominance...at least not all the time. I feel like bile rise up that says "NO!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I DECIDE FOR ME!!" Even though I can consciously say "You chose this" I don't FEEL like I am choosing it. And I cannot put my finger on it. ***It's almost because I know he "gets off" on being "the boss", and because a lot of times I feel like his motivation is because it feels good to him... I can't get off on it anymore? Or I don't at certain times. If I feel like he is taking control because it makes him feel good or powerful or mighty I can't feel safe and cherished and loved. I just feel used? but, if I think he is looking at me thinking "I love this woman more than life - what would make her feel the most safe and protected" and his dominance is a wild turn on?***

I don't know if ANY of this applies to your situation AT ALL!! I know that for myself things that have helped at certain times to NOT feel like a doormat are:

1. TONS of communication. Talking and talking and talking with your husband about your fears and doubts and needs and expectations. Really feeling heard.

2. Making the conscious choice. Saying "I WANT this. I CRAVE this. I NEED this" so that when is exerting control or dominance you can tell yourself "It's not him treating me like a doormat, it's him fulfilling my sexual and personal needs. This isn't a man trodding over a woman this is MY husband showing specific love and care for HIS wife"

3. Writing out the boundaries and expectations. Posting them somewhere where you can both see them (even if it's a secret place like in your underwear drawers :))

4. Safe Words. A huge one for me is safewords. I did not have one with my father, and knowing that at any second I have the power to stop whatever is happening is huge for me. I need to know I am not actually in danger of being hurt or trod upon. I have a voice. I can say "No. Stop. Don't" and it will be immediately respected."