When The Rubber Meets The Road

This is copied from an email to some kinky friends :-)

Oh,to make things make sense My Man was on a business trip most of the week, I was on my period, had a bad day Thursday and called myself a lotta mean names and flipped out on him on the phome that night. :-p

Ok letter....

My Man got home last night and we were so happy to see each other, he gave me presents (an awesome dr. Seuss "thing one" tshirt that is "sexy 1" instead ;-), a cool insulated cup/w straw that says "i should come with a warning", and a new paddle (thats my man ;-)) i think it was supposed to be a shoe horn, but its like the width of a ruer, and long...ill take a pic later... ) and we were mostly cool until i felt guilty and told him id had a freak out on the "mean words day" and traffic was super bad and i texted while driving.. Which would technically make the consequence up to 48 hours, but he offered 24 hours with zero electronics,, and I told him I can't handle being punished like this anymore and he said ok and went to sleep... but his okay was so....odd. I dunno. I assume we will discuss it today? I think I'm trying to gauge the balance between where I can say " this isn't working for me anymore" (not the whole relationship dd/ds stuff this specific restriction/consequence...) and where that's unfair because I'm trying to control stuff when its not fun for me... I dunno...

This is where the whole DD thing gets so confusing and mixed up for me... on one hand I can't tell him he is in charge and can punish me for real stuff and then back out when its unpleasant or not fun, but on the flip side... I'm an adult and at some point I feel like I need to be able to say "I'm not able to submit to that" and the last 2 times(really anything past 12 hours, although 12 was really hard) I've felt anxiety and stomach churning"I hate this and not in a way I can ultimately be ok with because he is in charge way".... its not the being punished its the specific punishment/length of time that's causing me to wig out... and maybe a level of "I can give up x control in my life and this is more than I can give?

I dunno... thanks for letting me vent :-) thoughts are welcomed and I won't get hurt/mad if you gals think I'm unfair or a wuss :)