Trying to sort through my emotions (and how My Man helped :))

So, we went to the club - had an amazing time. Learned a lot. Met a lot of people.

Went to church Sunday - neither of us really feeling anything amiss - My Man commented he was concerned about how much he was thinking about some of the stuff he saw there, and trying to sort through how it was different than the times he has watched porn.

Monday morning he went to breakfast with a friend, our caregroup leader, a pastor-in-training at our church... HE TOLD HIM! I mean.. I don't want him to feel he has to live a secret life, and his friend asked "what did you do this weekend?", so he just answered. Almost without thinking. :) Apparently the next 2 hours were "deep discussion" about this. The friend essentially saying firstly that he didn't see how any of this stuff even between the 2 of us was building into a Godly, healthy marriage, but he conceded that point to say that if it works for us and is just me and My Man than he is not going to condemn it, he just doesnt "get" it. His second, and more vehement, point was that he thinks having sex/doing sexual things in a room where other people can see us and we can see them is eventually going to destroy our marriage. He thinks it is heinous. So, My Man left that meeting with a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly because he didn't feel like he could "give an answer" to why we want to go to this club and be with these people except that it makes us happy and excites us. We cannot answer how it is isn't lust or "even a hint of sexual immorality". My Man WAS very strong in his replies about the 2 of us in our own "bedroom" though. He was very clear that FOR US this is a very good thing and we 100% believe we can glorify God in our marriage through BDSM and DD. :)

I am torn in so many directions. It started just as disappointment, and a little anger, not really at My Man for "spilling his guts" 'cause I get that. I really do feel like if we have to lie or make stuff up than we are ashamed of it and that's wrong. But, disappointment that My Man will probably decide we cannot partake in the club activities anymore. (He already said even if we decide that (He decides that since I wanna keep going ;-)) the club is out, we will still go to the educational meetings, the things where they teach stuff with their clothes on and are not "playing" or having sex :)) And some anger that this friend made My Man feel so unsure and ashamed even. And then as the day went on the disappointment and anger was replaced with deep shame and heart brokenness. I feel like I had finally found a place where it was okay to be me. I am kinky, I have been obsessed with spanking since I was a kid, but you can't talk about that at church. Even outside the church it's not like you can say "My hobbies are writing, swimming, and spanking. I just love to be spanked." It doesn't work. so, I feel like I have spent 20 years (first time I remember reading spanking stories I was 8 years old) trying to hide myself or change myself or just feeling alone - and now I have people who GET IT! Who like it! Who want to share their experiences with me. And... that door is probably closing before I even got to get more than my ankles wet.

And the shame... I have to "live life" with this man. I am in a small group 2x a month with this man. My closest friend in our church is his wife. I am going to have to look him in the eye and know that he knows my deepest darkest secrets. And that hurts. And that is so hard. It wouldn't be hard if his response had been "damn, that's so kinky and cool!" No his response was condemnation and strident disapproval. Even after conceding it might not be sin for us in the bedroom I know he still doesn't APPROVE and that's hard and hurts. I feel like it's not okay to have sex/play in front of people who are thrilled we are doing this and support us, but it's perfectly right that now this man knows what we do...and is essentially "in our bedroom" now?? Ugh. I hate that.

NOTE: I do see on some level that if he really believes that going to the club will destroy our marriage that it would not be a loving friend for him to not say anything. I don't fault him for it. I don't even blame him for being against BDSM/DD in our bedroom if he thinks it is harmful. I get it. It just hurts.

So, that's where I am/was emotionally last night/this morning. Last night I was having such a hard time and couldn't process all of my emotions. It started out with me just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and My Man holding me and comforting me and helping me. Then, I threw my collar at him and he spanked me (dowel rods, best friend worst enemy :)) which I fought lots, so he spanked me lots. Then, I was struggling with wanting to hurt myself because of the strong emotions and he told me if i hurt myself (biting) then he would restrain me and I'd have to lay with my hands restrained behind my back. So, I bit and he restrained - semi loosely. I promptly UNrestrained myself and looked at him with a "what now??" face. He spanked me and rerestrained me this time with metal clips to hold the restraints shut. (like we have these leather cuffs and they have metal rings you can put a padlock or caribiner or something through to hold it shut)  and basically told me he was going to spank me until I said i was going to be a good girl and receive my "time out". I kept going and going and going and... he was so patient and "gentle" in the sense that most of his swats were stingy, but not deep - they just hurt! But, I must have pushed a lot because even with that I have some serious little bruises in the middle of my butt. AND THEY HURT! :) :-p (I love My Man, everytime I complain about a spanking hurting he says "It's a spanking, it's SUPPOSED to hurt. " :-)) But, it served it's purpose and helped me get out some of my emotions and overwhelming feelings.

Today I just feel blaaah... we are supposed to go to caregroup tonight and I really really really really reallllllly don't want to face "the friend". :(