I am trying to sort through things right now. Trying to figure out why I feel the things I think I feel and what I am actually feeling in the things I have no clue. :-p
First - I know I battle depression, it is generally related to my hormones, but they are so out of whack I am not even sure why I feel things at certain times anymore. (It used to be I could tell if I was ovulating or about to menstruate or what, but now it's so...random.) This relates to the D/s DD stuff in that I don't know where *I* want this all to be going and when My Man tries to take the lead or tried to read me and go from there things get all messed up.
Second - I feel like I don't have any time or energy to GIVE to My Man anymore. We spent a week at the beach relaxing and that SO helped, but then we get back and life just comes racing back at us. It is so stressful caring for three 6 year olds and a 9 year old (and 75% of the stress is just from 2 of the siz year olds). I am not a naturally bossy person - I am a naturally lazy person, a naturally fun loving person, a person who likes to make others happy and bring them joy...and as long as we are doing fun stuff the girls enjoy we get along great, but the second I try to assert any authority it's met with such intense opposition. OR it's just... I can't control them. Like, we go to a store and they start playing tag and yelling. When I grab one of them and tell her she has to stand by me because she is not using proper store etiquette she drops to the floor and starts SQUEALING and drawing people's attention and it's totally embarrassing and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I told her she was gonna get a time out which I feel like was the worst thing I could have done because she made my next hour a living hell. Whining, complaining, refusing to comply with even the simplest request (I was waiting 'til we go to the activity we were going to), like "put your seatbelt on." "Don't try to open the door while I am driving." etc. By having to be the grownup all day I feel like by the end of the day I am so empty of all maturity I just act out towards My Man. I am a complete and total brat and it's not even fun it's just I feel like I have nothing left to give and just need to know I don't have to be the mature, responsible, in charge one in our relationship.
Third - I have so many hang ups. Like, all he wants in the world is a blowjob where he can come. We have been married almost 3.5 years and it has never happened. Longest blowjob ever was less than 5 minutes. Part of it is that I gag, part of it is that my jaw starts to hurt, and most of it is that I don't LIKE it. The very concept of putting someone's genitalia in my MOUTH makes my stomach church just typing it here. You spend your entire childhood being told the areas you pee and poop out of are gross and disgusting and dirty and then when you are a grown up all of the sudden you're expected to put someone elses in your mouth??? I don't think so. :-p Plus, I am not a guy, and I am not him, so I just don't see the point. There are other ways we can get him to come, so why keep pushing the one way that makes ME feel disgusting and gross?? He says to him it is the ultimate act of submission...and I guess I can see that... I guess. It's not that I don't want to bring him pleasure - I just making him happy and bringing him pleasure, but I guess it's hard for me that it has to be in the way that I feel so grossed out and used? I also blame his body - I am not sure he would be capable of coming during a blowjob - he needs things so precise to come that I cannot keep the exact rhythm and whatever that he needs?
That's where my head's at these days... and hating my infertility. I know I go on about brats and how I don't want to have to be in charge anymore, but I really do still want my own kids. I feel like with my own kids I'll have more of an idea of what to do. More options? I'll know them better, so I will better be able to tell when they are not listening or if they just didn't realize they were being bad? I dunno...