Holidays

My Man had 2 days off in a row this past weekend and it was AMAZING!!! It's fascinating to me how neither of us having to go to work on the same day makes life SO much sweeter and easier and simpler. :) We were able to enjoy each other without interruptions or obligations. And I don't even mean sexually - although we did do that. ;-) I just mean spending time together. We watched anime, ate yummy food, and just snuggled... all day. It was amazing.

And we havent had sex since. And I start to think "Oh no we are broken! We hate each other! We never make it work" and then I remember that when he doesn't have to go to work we DO love each other. ;-)

We are house sitting for almost 2 weeks around Christmas and I am really hoping My Man has some time off of work, so we can just enjoy each other again. *smile*

I think it's hilarious....

It feels like every time we have a conversation where we are going to be less "Ds" or where I express I don't like being spanked or I don't like being dominated or whatever... I start craving it all the time, and he is happy to oblige! :-p :-)

Yesterday was a lot of fun overall, and I hope that today is even better.

ok more memes that make me laugh... there is no rhyme or reason to these, its just as i scroll if i start to laugh...

Communication is Key :-)

So, after I wrote that last post/note to My Man I was ready to "buckle down", but he wanted to give me a week to see if I really wanted that and stuff. He has lived with me long enough to know I tend to make decisions fast, so it won't hurt. I am a rip off the band-aid and deal with the after affects kinda gal.

Well... he wasn't wrong. After a few days to breathe I realized... I am not really in a place for a super Ds relationship right now... or more specifically I don't think I am in a DD place. I think that has been the huge thing scaring me and killing me a little inside. I don't want to be punished. I don't want him to be able to decide he doesn't like my tone or my choices and cause me physical pain. I doubt this will be forever. And I know that he cannot avoid protecting - and I wouldn't want him to - so, things that legitimately endanger me I know he will still take control on. Like, we had this super long conversation where we decided "in our normal lives" he wasn't going to have "the power" to punish me, and yet when I started texting and driving yesterday I knew without a shade of doubt if I didn't put it away that second I'd be over his knee. And... I don't think I would change that aspect. :) Things like eating enough food, not having access to razor blades, not spending hours a day reading child abuse stories on the internet - these are things I need help with. I need protecting. And I don't want to give up having him protect me and help me. I just don't want to be afraid he is going to punish me for yelling at him or not doing "enough" chores or saying something rude in public. I want him to treat me like his partner, and sometimes that means saying "That was rude. That was hurtful. You promised to do this thing, and you broke your promise", and I as an adult and his partner can respond to those things "I am sorry. You are right. I will do better."

I feel a little bit like I am failing or being a loser or a wuss. But, I am also realizing that what turns me on when I READ about it and what turns me on when it is happening to me are two very different things... and that is okay. :)

One of the things we did decide to do is high protocol days. Days where we have already negotiated that I am surrendering to him and he holds the power and reins that day. Where I wear a "big collar" and obey him or face the consequences. I think if we make it more of a game I will get back some of that excitement and spice and joy in submission. :) I do enjoy being a "good little subbie" I just enjoy being his wife most of the time I think. :-)

Alright, now comes the "funny irony"... so we have this super long in depth conversation. I feel relieved and excited to see where things are going to go. And then, I go out to lunch and to hang out with this awesome new friend I am making. We will call her Raven because for some reason that's the name I see when I think of her. :) So, Raven knows a lot more about BDSM type stuff than I do. She actually LIKES being flogged etc. She likes "Crazy hot rough money sex" and loves cock. Who'd have thunk? ;-) (I know I know, we had this conversation last summer, there are MANY ladies out there apparently who love penises ;-)) She is my first IRL friend who is "in the scene" she is the first person I could potentially have a friendship with who I can talk super freely about this stuff and not only does she not judge - she gets it. I mean not everything because we are different people. (She cannot fathom that I don't love sex ;-)) So we have these great conversations and what happens? ALL FREAKING NIGHT, I dream. I dream about being spanked. I dream about being dominated. I wake up with my panties soaking wet (from sweat and other things...not pee ;-) ;-)) and CRAVING a spanking. WTF, Young Lady? WTF?? ;-) I probably had 3 seperate dreams last night with all of this craziness.

I am hopeless. ;-)




^
^
^ Ain't that the truth??

This next one made me laugh outloud - lol

Scary Stuff

To My Man

"Based on our recent conversations, and because I think it has turned into a fear thing for me, I want to have a trial "recollared" period. I would like, if you are willing, to be pretty serious for 2 weeks. I want you to show me what you think being in a Ds relationship would/should look like in the "most extreme" for us. I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me. I want you to lead, guide, direct how things go. And I will follow.

I know that I have withdrawn my trust and faith in you as a husband and Dom, so I'd like to try to give it back, try to put the reins in your hands, and see what it really looks like. My temptation is to want you to not really do much of anything and ease me back in so that I just comfortable and safe. But, I feel like I need you to show me what you really mean when you say you want this lifestyle. In my fear this means you are mean and harsh and selfish and all that other stuff, but I really do believe that your heart for me is love. That you don't desire this relationship so that you can be king and have a slave that waits on you and accepts your abuse. So instead of giving you a lot of qualifiers I am just going to say for the next 2 weeks it's in your court. Prove me wrong. ;-) With no qualifiers or limits because I want to REALLY trust you, and I can't trust you if I am calling all the shots.

I love you."

What do I WANT?

We keep going in circles on this whole thing because I cannot figure out what I want. I feel so twisted in to knots so much of the time.

Someone asked me today what to do about feeling like a doormat? And I don't know. I decided to post here what I said to her to see if it helps me at all or if anyone reading this has any insights.

I *want* to be in a relationship where he takes charge because he loves me and he wants to protect me, but I *need* to be in a relationship where we are 100% equal and I am not afraid of losing my voice. The Part I put ** *** around is what I think is really key here. It's not fair to say "It only turns me on if it doesn't turn you on"...and I don't think that is actually my thinking or motivation. It's not that I DONT want him turned on it's that I get scared that I am feeding the ego of a man? I don't want to encourage "I am man therefore I am in charge/control I AM BOSS!" I dunno... My head hurts from trying to figure it out.

Anyways, here is what I said to her

"I grew up surrounded by, and even to some extent my own home was, very patriarchal "men are over women, fathers and husbands are the boss and can do no wrong, girls are here to cook, clean, and populate the earth" :) I was 100% certain that I was going to be a raging feminist! Just because I have a vagina doesn't make me any less of a person!! ROAR! ;-)

But, then I started to have doubts because... as much as I thought forcing women into subservient roles to men was abhorrent.... I craved being under a man's protection. Being under a man's intentional care. I was madly turned on by the thought of being spanked or punished for wrongs.

I finally reconciled it for myself a bit last summer with "choice" I am not "under" My Man because he has a penis, but because I CHOOSE to be. I WANT to be. I am saying "I am equal to you as a human being, but in our relationship I need/want a boss" Therefore it's not something thrust upon me it's something I am choosing for myself.

MY problem comes that in the day to day life I DON'T love it? I don't enjoy him exerting control or dominance...at least not all the time. I feel like bile rise up that says "NO!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I DECIDE FOR ME!!" Even though I can consciously say "You chose this" I don't FEEL like I am choosing it. And I cannot put my finger on it. ***It's almost because I know he "gets off" on being "the boss", and because a lot of times I feel like his motivation is because it feels good to him... I can't get off on it anymore? Or I don't at certain times. If I feel like he is taking control because it makes him feel good or powerful or mighty I can't feel safe and cherished and loved. I just feel used? but, if I think he is looking at me thinking "I love this woman more than life - what would make her feel the most safe and protected" and his dominance is a wild turn on?***

I don't know if ANY of this applies to your situation AT ALL!! I know that for myself things that have helped at certain times to NOT feel like a doormat are:

1. TONS of communication. Talking and talking and talking with your husband about your fears and doubts and needs and expectations. Really feeling heard.

2. Making the conscious choice. Saying "I WANT this. I CRAVE this. I NEED this" so that when is exerting control or dominance you can tell yourself "It's not him treating me like a doormat, it's him fulfilling my sexual and personal needs. This isn't a man trodding over a woman this is MY husband showing specific love and care for HIS wife"

3. Writing out the boundaries and expectations. Posting them somewhere where you can both see them (even if it's a secret place like in your underwear drawers :))

4. Safe Words. A huge one for me is safewords. I did not have one with my father, and knowing that at any second I have the power to stop whatever is happening is huge for me. I need to know I am not actually in danger of being hurt or trod upon. I have a voice. I can say "No. Stop. Don't" and it will be immediately respected."

Horny Little...

girl. beast. woman. loser. ;-)

Why is it that I am at my wettest/horniest/IfIDontBuzzEveryNightI'llDie part of my cycle when he is working the most? It feels like it never fails. Hopefully I can hold onto these feelings 'til his days off this week. :)

These authors are helping me through my time of need:

I trust you...and I don't.

The things I 100% trust My Man in/to do -

If I am hungry - you will feed me. Even if it means not eating the thing you most want or giving up your own money/pleasure.

If I am sad/hurting/struggley - you will hold me. Even if you're exhausted, working, playing video games, reading, you will stop what you are doing and hold me. If you are away you will call me as soon as you possibly can.

If I want to talk - you will listen. Even if it takes all night.

If I am headed for disaster - you will stop me. Even if I hurt you in the process.

If I say "I love you" - you will say it back. Every. Single. Time.

I don't doubt your love, your devotion, your commitment.

Things I have a harder time trusting...

Appropriateness in social situations.

That you'll notice if I am headed for disaster without me telling you. That you care about the day to day stuff (what i wear, what i eat, how i do my hair)

It's hard for me to trust that you'll "take control" over areas that don't directly benefit you.

That you won't hurt me. I don't buy that whole "I am not hurting you more than you can handle" It's my body I can't give up control over it. I don't know if it's a trust thing as much as a "it's my body and I control what happens to it." My parents exerted control over my body until I was moved out, and I don't really want to give it up again. Maybe in specific cases.... aaaaaand this has moved past a "this is what i trust this is what i don't" to a therapy session. I can't give you ultimate control over my body. It's not as much that I don't trust you as that for my own sanity I cannot give that control to anyone ever again. I didn't give it as a child/teenager/young adult - it was stolen from me. So... I want the control now.

Does that mean I can't be a subby? I don't think so... I think I can be a good little subby who has boundaries. :)

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry I post so infrequently. I'm sorry I can't make it my damn mind. I'm sorry it's often so word-vomity around here. :-p

I don't have time to write a long post today, but I have been thinking about it tons!! I have been processing a lot in my brain and how to say things a LOT recently. :)

I don't think that deep inside I really AM a submissive and it's breaking my heart. Is it possible to be a defiant submissive? ;-) I love being "taken in hand", but I hate being "bossed around". I love that feeling of "submissive butterflies" that washes over me, but I hate "being treated like a subservient". It thrills me when he "exerts dominance", but it makes me rage when he "tries to control me". I am a mixed up mess!!

I'll leave you with a few memes and try to post a longer one soon!!


aaaand I can t find any more that make my day today :-p

What's been on my heart and mind recently....

(this could get long ;-))

We have not had any kinky fuckery in a long LONG time. I take most of the blame for that one - I have not enjoyed anything beyond snuggling and intercourse in a long time, so I guess he has stopped trying. Plus, we have been really busy and tired and.. there are a million reasons. But bottom line is we have not had any. I mean honestly, in this entire month *including a whole week of vacation* I think we've had sex maybe 5 times? Maybe? I just doesn't seem to happen on it's own very well and when it comes time to actually plan it or think about it there are such easier ways to connect. :-p

But, I think I miss it. I don't really know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the pain. (He told me last night it would turn him on immensely to cover me in stripes and I practically threw up) I don't miss the "inferior" feeling. (Honestly, lately I have been wishing we had a much more equal marriage. Everytime I try to bring it up he says "We have a partial power exchange which means it's not equal. And that REALLY wears on me. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly that bothers me - it's not like he is coming home from work "Woman! Feed me! Kneel at my feet!" He is always looking out for my best interest. We eat at the restaurants I like. We go to the places I like. We watch TV shows we both want. It's not like he is lording over me. But, I think it really boils down to the punishment aspect. I can't handle that if I mess up, intentionally or accidentally, defiantly or carelessly, he can decide whether you punish or extend grace. Yet, when he does the very same things - or other things that I am annoyed or bothered by, my only recourse is to say "I don't think that was a good idea." "I didn't like that." "Please don't do that" and than it's over. It's not like I want beat him (ok sometimes I do ;-))...it's more IF he can spank, ground, etc me then I want consequences for him as well. And if I can't do those things to him - if he is going to be treated like an adult...than I want to be treated like an adult too. Part of it is just knowing that if he decides to do something that I have no power. I can give my thoughts and opinions. I can be bold. If it's something towards me I can obviously safeword. But... I don't have the ultimate control. Whereas on the other side of the equation if he feels strongly about something he can force me to do it or not do it. I don't like that. And it's not like he is punishing me these days. It's been a long time except for one little play session weeks ago. It's just the knowing that he can. And when I try to express myself he always boils it down to "Then give me your collar. The minute you no longer want this we can stop, but you have to give me your collar." And... I REALLY don't want that. Can't I be his cherished, chosen, protected woman without having to give up my equality? I dunno) I don't miss the humiliation. I wish I could put my finger on what I do miss and what I am lacking though.

I was talking with some ladies today about perfect dates, and I realized my favorite "date" of our entire marriage was where he took me away for a weekend and he planned EVERYTHING! He chose a hotel, he chose the activities, he chose the restaurants...and the entire thing was to bless me. To make me feel special. He picked the things he thought I would most like and feel most loved through.  Maybe that's what is missing or what feels like it's lacking. The times when he "takes charge" seem to always be for his own pleasure and satisfaction or ease. I REALLY don't mean that in a "he doesn't take care of me" way - AT ALL! He is amazing about taking care of me. He almost always gives me what I ask for. (If I say "I really want Taco Bell" and he has a dollar he'll go get me Taco Bell :)) But those times when he does pull the "Dom card" seem like when I am doing something that annoys or bothers him. It's never "You seem really tired - I want you to go lie down" or "You're hungry go eat." (ok that one still does happen sometimes ;-)) it's more him centric. I dunno...

Maybe I am just selfish. I mean I KNOW I am selfish. I actually told him a couple of weeks ago "I don't want to be a slave or a submissive. I want to be a princess" *grin* And it's true. I want him to cherish me and take care of me and provide for me and not cater to me, but... do everything for my good? To think "What would make her the most happen tonight" and act on that. And I feel like I do that for him. I try to foresee his needs and desires before he says anything before he asks. Not all the time, not as much as I should, but more than he does? And maybe he does and I don't even see it.

I am so rambling and probably just making myself sounds like a crazy bitch. :)



And because I like memes ;-)


(this next one makes me think of one of My Ma's fave comics :))


awwww

Beachiness!

We are on our annual Outer Banks, NC trip this week and it feels amazing. I have been reading lots and just enjoying life again. :)

I read the last 3 books in the Laylah Roberts old-fashioned series, and also her Unforgettable story. I think it's her's at least. :) I now have a massive urge to do many kinky things with My Man, but sadly all of the things I can think of require him initiating and he didn't read the same books I did. :-p :-)

Do you ever sit and wonder if you are really submissive? I read these books and I get so turned on and in my mind I think and feel the same way these ladies do. But in real life so often A: I hate pain. period. I sometimes get turned on, but more often I am just angered by it or I shut down. and B: The bossiness/domminess ends up just pissing me off. Like sometimes it makes me feel so loved and so cherished. But then much of the time it just makes me so angry and need to lash out.

I wish I was more predictable. I wish I was a better lover. I also wish I was prettier and skinnier. So many of the heroines are carried by the hero and that just doesn't work with us because I weigh more than he does. Stupid, Young Lady. :-p

I turned 30 last week and we had a grand time at the Renaissance Festival! I only have a couple of pics -

I don't deserve this...

I had wicked bad cramps today, and my amazing husband loaded me up with meds, snacks, heating pad, laptop, prayed for me, and told me to relax in bed. He is a treasure far beyond what I deserve. Then he brought me home taco bell after work. i sure love him bunches.






But...

Just For My Man

(nothing new, we are not moving to Charlotte, but REALLY REALLY hoping to move SOMEWHERE :))

Yesterday I was struck with the realization that everytime I look across a room and see My Man I am just overwhelmed with butterflied, jitters, excitement, desire... He is mine and I *LOVE* that!! :)










And just for fun...

I don't need to be spanked anymore....

I am in that stage... of my cycle? Of my year? Of my life? I get excited over the thought of being spanked, I do things to provoke him (or "poke the bear"), but when it comes time to for the actual event...nothing. Except annoyance and pain and "the grumps".

He even tried to give me an "erotic spanking" last week and it just...hurt. There were no butterflies or sparks. There was no excitement or sexual ANYTHING. It was just like "Please stop. This is not fun."

I get butterflies from "the look" or him saying "dommy things". I am still very excited by any exhibition in public. But any sort of pain just does NOT turn me on...or make me want to behave. I feel bullied when he uses pain or threats to get me to behave. Which is really unfair to him because we evolved to this place together. It's not like he just started doing this - it's been a team effort. And it's been just over a year. You'd think we'd be flying high  by now. But instead it's just "blah".

Don't get me wrong our sex life is WORLDS different than it was a 14 months ago. We are closer than we have ever  been. And, if I am honest about it, I am much more submissive and loving than I was 14 months ago. I am far far faaaaar from perfect or a "good little subby", but I am a much more submissive and loving wife than I was in the past. I don't say this to toot my own horn. I say it as an encouragement and reality check for myself. I can feel like the last year was for no good because I see all of the ways I am still disrespectful and angry and selfish. I can feel like I'll never be the type of wife he deserves. But, then I have look back and remind myself that I really am a different woman in many ways than I was a year ago.

So, I think we just need to work on some things. It's easier for me to see the things *he* needs to work on ;-), but I think as a team, as the 2 parts that make this whole, as the equal, but different roles in this marriage we have some things we can work on.

Him - Being more consistent. If you tell me not to drink Mountain Dew because it makes me crazy and I pour myself a huge glass and grin at you as I take a sip, probably an indicator I need some "help". (and no I did not want to be spanked I just wanted to see if you'd care. And true you did drink it yourself instead of me drinking it, but... yeah... Come to think of it - 14 year old sister is the one who goaded me into it saying "go pour yourself a huge glass now and drink it ALL!!! Hahahaha".... I think she wanted to see how you'd react. We were both left wanting ;-) At least mention it when we get home. :-p) (And no I don't want it "dealt with" now... I just using it as an example of something recent. It's over now. ;-))

Me - Being more intentionally submissive. It would not have hurt me in the least to go drink something else. And I was going to find a different drink until Sister goaded me. :-p I want to do things on purpose to be submissive rather than do things on purpose to brat.

Him - Being Constant. (goes with consistent, but a little different) If you expect me to view things as "always not okay" or "always required" than you need to "always enforce" even if you're tired or lazy.

Me - Trust. Trust and believe that the rules don't change just because you're tired or I'm hormonal/emotional. I know that you are trustworthy and I don't need to keep testing to see if I am still safe. I AM safe.

I am sure there are more, but I can't think of them right now. Recently I have been going  through a pretty dark time. I feel depressed most of the time. Our money problems are pretty bad right now, My Man's job situation keeps potentially changing and then nothing changes. It feels like everyone keeps having baby after baby while I keep having period after period. I feel totally out of wack and I take it out on him so much of the time. And somedays nothing helps. I just hurt. :-p

For something a little lighter - My "spanked wife friend" told me recently she wanted to be featured on my blog again. She cracks me up. She has been a "spanked wife" her whole marriage and WAY WAY WAY longer than me,  but she still gets such excitement and joy over the little things. Recently she and her husband had a time of "playful spanking" that had her so excited she gushed for DAYS! ;-) She missed out on church because they were wrestling and his elbow caught her eye and she didn't want anyone to see it. Well okay, she says she was actually being a good wife NOT getting spanked because HE didn't want anyone to see and told her to stay home. ;-) ;-) She cracks me up, and I love her and am glad to have the comradery! ;-)

Nothing to do. Nothing to see. Nothing to say.

There is absolutely nothing going on in our lives.

We haven't heard back from the job interview.

We aren't pregnant.

We aren't doing anything fun or exotic or exciting.

We are being good. (meaning I am being good.)

I am on my period - big surprise.

I will be 30 in 33 days and I feel like a rutting rutting rutter. lol.


If I could do anything for my birthday I'd go back to that BDSM club and feel alive again. But as my leaning lean more towards the DD/HOH kinda thing and my "hoh" can't go to a club in good conscience and (oh so surprisingly) he won't let me go alone... I'll probably go to dinner and a movie like every other year. We are going to the beach with my family soon after. We wanted to to go to DragonCon, but with no money (because of not getting that new job in time) I think that's not gonna happen. I am asking for a Nook HD+, but I don't know if we can find 150 bucks. *sigh* I know I am having a pity party. There is a lot of joy and goodness in life. But I just don't see it today. Today I feel old and worn out. :-p

 - That would at least be something I've never done


 - haha I see what you did there...

Im so boring I can't even find pictures to express myself today ;-)

Independence Day

Happy 4th Everyone!! Even if you're not in the USA, you can still have a happy 4th of July! ;-)

I have Martina and Toby blaring in my head. *grin*

Nothing new to report here. Which I guess is good? I usually blog more when we are in crisis and less when we're doing well? :)

*hugs to everyone*

aaaand some pics just because they always make me smile







heh heh heh - 

Untitled because I can't think of one...

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