It looks really out of place, and I don't know how to fix it, but there is now a space for you to subscribe by email or I THINK subscribe through google connect? :-p :-)
BTW, My Man and I had good sex yesterday and it reminded me that it's not that bad or hard if we're both into it. ;-)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Bored? Weary? Selfish?
In the last week My Man and I have had sex once. Even in our "pre-kink" days a whole week gone by without being intimate would have been odd.
I am not even sure WHY this is the case. I think it's partially because we are both working, we are working semi-strange hours. (We leave the house together around noon or 1 and then we get back to the house together around 11) We are tired and out of it. Sex is hard, it's not something relaxing or "chill". When we are not at work we just want to veg in front of the tv, read a book, SLEEP!
But, I wonder if there is something wrong with this. We are snuggling, we hug and kiss, we express our love verbally every day. Is sex really THAT important?
Part of me says yes, because I have been told my whole life that if a husband and wife are not having sex they are going to grow apart, that sex is vital, that a marriage will die without it.
But, then, another part of me says That's bullcocky! There are marriage where one of the spouses is unable to have sex and they still love each other and work hard at their marriage. Or when couples get old I KNOW some of them are not getting jiggy with it and they have a deep love and care for each other.
I do miss it in some senses, but I also feel like I can find my fulfillment in My Man in ways other that intercourse.
He misses it though. And that is where the selfishness comes in. Yesterday he tried several times to "get something started", but I kept turning him down because "it's my first day off." "we have so much to do" "we don't have time" "it doesn't feel good right now"... I just wasn't in the mood or have any desire for sex. :-/ I know some of it is my cycle, but some of it is mental too - Sex doesn't come easy for me and so if we haven't done it in "a long time" the thought of trying to get it started just makes me so weary.
I think I will try to be available when My Man comes home today, so he can know I love him and just in case there is something missing in a sexless marriage. :-p
I am not even sure WHY this is the case. I think it's partially because we are both working, we are working semi-strange hours. (We leave the house together around noon or 1 and then we get back to the house together around 11) We are tired and out of it. Sex is hard, it's not something relaxing or "chill". When we are not at work we just want to veg in front of the tv, read a book, SLEEP!
But, I wonder if there is something wrong with this. We are snuggling, we hug and kiss, we express our love verbally every day. Is sex really THAT important?
Part of me says yes, because I have been told my whole life that if a husband and wife are not having sex they are going to grow apart, that sex is vital, that a marriage will die without it.
But, then, another part of me says That's bullcocky! There are marriage where one of the spouses is unable to have sex and they still love each other and work hard at their marriage. Or when couples get old I KNOW some of them are not getting jiggy with it and they have a deep love and care for each other.
I do miss it in some senses, but I also feel like I can find my fulfillment in My Man in ways other that intercourse.
He misses it though. And that is where the selfishness comes in. Yesterday he tried several times to "get something started", but I kept turning him down because "it's my first day off." "we have so much to do" "we don't have time" "it doesn't feel good right now"... I just wasn't in the mood or have any desire for sex. :-/ I know some of it is my cycle, but some of it is mental too - Sex doesn't come easy for me and so if we haven't done it in "a long time" the thought of trying to get it started just makes me so weary.
I think I will try to be available when My Man comes home today, so he can know I love him and just in case there is something missing in a sexless marriage. :-p
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Updateishness :D
I am trying to sort through things right now. Trying to figure out why I feel the things I think I feel and what I am actually feeling in the things I have no clue. :-p
First - I know I battle depression, it is generally related to my hormones, but they are so out of whack I am not even sure why I feel things at certain times anymore. (It used to be I could tell if I was ovulating or about to menstruate or what, but now it's so...random.) This relates to the D/s DD stuff in that I don't know where *I* want this all to be going and when My Man tries to take the lead or tried to read me and go from there things get all messed up.
Second - I feel like I don't have any time or energy to GIVE to My Man anymore. We spent a week at the beach relaxing and that SO helped, but then we get back and life just comes racing back at us. It is so stressful caring for three 6 year olds and a 9 year old (and 75% of the stress is just from 2 of the siz year olds). I am not a naturally bossy person - I am a naturally lazy person, a naturally fun loving person, a person who likes to make others happy and bring them joy...and as long as we are doing fun stuff the girls enjoy we get along great, but the second I try to assert any authority it's met with such intense opposition. OR it's just... I can't control them. Like, we go to a store and they start playing tag and yelling. When I grab one of them and tell her she has to stand by me because she is not using proper store etiquette she drops to the floor and starts SQUEALING and drawing people's attention and it's totally embarrassing and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I told her she was gonna get a time out which I feel like was the worst thing I could have done because she made my next hour a living hell. Whining, complaining, refusing to comply with even the simplest request (I was waiting 'til we go to the activity we were going to), like "put your seatbelt on." "Don't try to open the door while I am driving." etc. By having to be the grownup all day I feel like by the end of the day I am so empty of all maturity I just act out towards My Man. I am a complete and total brat and it's not even fun it's just I feel like I have nothing left to give and just need to know I don't have to be the mature, responsible, in charge one in our relationship.
Third - I have so many hang ups. Like, all he wants in the world is a blowjob where he can come. We have been married almost 3.5 years and it has never happened. Longest blowjob ever was less than 5 minutes. Part of it is that I gag, part of it is that my jaw starts to hurt, and most of it is that I don't LIKE it. The very concept of putting someone's genitalia in my MOUTH makes my stomach church just typing it here. You spend your entire childhood being told the areas you pee and poop out of are gross and disgusting and dirty and then when you are a grown up all of the sudden you're expected to put someone elses in your mouth??? I don't think so. :-p Plus, I am not a guy, and I am not him, so I just don't see the point. There are other ways we can get him to come, so why keep pushing the one way that makes ME feel disgusting and gross?? He says to him it is the ultimate act of submission...and I guess I can see that... I guess. It's not that I don't want to bring him pleasure - I just making him happy and bringing him pleasure, but I guess it's hard for me that it has to be in the way that I feel so grossed out and used? I also blame his body - I am not sure he would be capable of coming during a blowjob - he needs things so precise to come that I cannot keep the exact rhythm and whatever that he needs?
That's where my head's at these days... and hating my infertility. I know I go on about brats and how I don't want to have to be in charge anymore, but I really do still want my own kids. I feel like with my own kids I'll have more of an idea of what to do. More options? I'll know them better, so I will better be able to tell when they are not listening or if they just didn't realize they were being bad? I dunno...
First - I know I battle depression, it is generally related to my hormones, but they are so out of whack I am not even sure why I feel things at certain times anymore. (It used to be I could tell if I was ovulating or about to menstruate or what, but now it's so...random.) This relates to the D/s DD stuff in that I don't know where *I* want this all to be going and when My Man tries to take the lead or tried to read me and go from there things get all messed up.
Second - I feel like I don't have any time or energy to GIVE to My Man anymore. We spent a week at the beach relaxing and that SO helped, but then we get back and life just comes racing back at us. It is so stressful caring for three 6 year olds and a 9 year old (and 75% of the stress is just from 2 of the siz year olds). I am not a naturally bossy person - I am a naturally lazy person, a naturally fun loving person, a person who likes to make others happy and bring them joy...and as long as we are doing fun stuff the girls enjoy we get along great, but the second I try to assert any authority it's met with such intense opposition. OR it's just... I can't control them. Like, we go to a store and they start playing tag and yelling. When I grab one of them and tell her she has to stand by me because she is not using proper store etiquette she drops to the floor and starts SQUEALING and drawing people's attention and it's totally embarrassing and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I told her she was gonna get a time out which I feel like was the worst thing I could have done because she made my next hour a living hell. Whining, complaining, refusing to comply with even the simplest request (I was waiting 'til we go to the activity we were going to), like "put your seatbelt on." "Don't try to open the door while I am driving." etc. By having to be the grownup all day I feel like by the end of the day I am so empty of all maturity I just act out towards My Man. I am a complete and total brat and it's not even fun it's just I feel like I have nothing left to give and just need to know I don't have to be the mature, responsible, in charge one in our relationship.
Third - I have so many hang ups. Like, all he wants in the world is a blowjob where he can come. We have been married almost 3.5 years and it has never happened. Longest blowjob ever was less than 5 minutes. Part of it is that I gag, part of it is that my jaw starts to hurt, and most of it is that I don't LIKE it. The very concept of putting someone's genitalia in my MOUTH makes my stomach church just typing it here. You spend your entire childhood being told the areas you pee and poop out of are gross and disgusting and dirty and then when you are a grown up all of the sudden you're expected to put someone elses in your mouth??? I don't think so. :-p Plus, I am not a guy, and I am not him, so I just don't see the point. There are other ways we can get him to come, so why keep pushing the one way that makes ME feel disgusting and gross?? He says to him it is the ultimate act of submission...and I guess I can see that... I guess. It's not that I don't want to bring him pleasure - I just making him happy and bringing him pleasure, but I guess it's hard for me that it has to be in the way that I feel so grossed out and used? I also blame his body - I am not sure he would be capable of coming during a blowjob - he needs things so precise to come that I cannot keep the exact rhythm and whatever that he needs?
That's where my head's at these days... and hating my infertility. I know I go on about brats and how I don't want to have to be in charge anymore, but I really do still want my own kids. I feel like with my own kids I'll have more of an idea of what to do. More options? I'll know them better, so I will better be able to tell when they are not listening or if they just didn't realize they were being bad? I dunno...
Monday, October 1, 2012
Book Reccomends??
(I Will Post An Update Later, But For Now...)
I have been reading non-stop dom/sub erotica for the past few months - My Man is about to forbid them he is so sick of the stupidity and sex.
So, my question is - does anyone have reccomends of books where the male lead is strong, takes charge, is alpha, a good leader, etc and there are not graphic sex scenes? We are fine with spanking, controlling, etc, but he wants me to stop filling my head with graphic sex - any ideas?? :)
Thank you!!!
I have been reading non-stop dom/sub erotica for the past few months - My Man is about to forbid them he is so sick of the stupidity and sex.
So, my question is - does anyone have reccomends of books where the male lead is strong, takes charge, is alpha, a good leader, etc and there are not graphic sex scenes? We are fine with spanking, controlling, etc, but he wants me to stop filling my head with graphic sex - any ideas?? :)
Thank you!!!
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