Thursday, October 24, 2013

I trust you...and I don't.

The things I 100% trust My Man in/to do -

If I am hungry - you will feed me. Even if it means not eating the thing you most want or giving up your own money/pleasure.

If I am sad/hurting/struggley - you will hold me. Even if you're exhausted, working, playing video games, reading, you will stop what you are doing and hold me. If you are away you will call me as soon as you possibly can.

If I want to talk - you will listen. Even if it takes all night.

If I am headed for disaster - you will stop me. Even if I hurt you in the process.

If I say "I love you" - you will say it back. Every. Single. Time.

I don't doubt your love, your devotion, your commitment.

Things I have a harder time trusting...

Appropriateness in social situations.

That you'll notice if I am headed for disaster without me telling you. That you care about the day to day stuff (what i wear, what i eat, how i do my hair)

It's hard for me to trust that you'll "take control" over areas that don't directly benefit you.

That you won't hurt me. I don't buy that whole "I am not hurting you more than you can handle" It's my body I can't give up control over it. I don't know if it's a trust thing as much as a "it's my body and I control what happens to it." My parents exerted control over my body until I was moved out, and I don't really want to give it up again. Maybe in specific cases.... aaaaaand this has moved past a "this is what i trust this is what i don't" to a therapy session. I can't give you ultimate control over my body. It's not as much that I don't trust you as that for my own sanity I cannot give that control to anyone ever again. I didn't give it as a child/teenager/young adult - it was stolen from me. So... I want the control now.

Does that mean I can't be a subby? I don't think so... I think I can be a good little subby who has boundaries. :)

1 comment:

  1. Yes, a good sub with boundaries. That's what I am too. It's natural to want control over what happens to your body. If one doesn't have a strong survival instinct, one doesn't survive. I need to be able to physically function and support myself, and I can't do that if I'm injured for example. And since this is MY body, I decide whether or not it will be marked in a lasting way. For example, I don't want holes bored through any of my body parts, nor do I want it defaced. I also need to be in control of avoiding germs, so no, not going to do strangers to entertain my man, let alone the revulsion factor. I'm also not going to change my sexual orientation in order to entertain him either. I'm very open though to doing anything he wants if it's just the two of us and there's no health or injury risks.