Vows

I watched my wedding DVD with some kinkster friends yesterday and was amazed, convicted, surprised at the vows I made that day. I remembered I had been exuberant and enthusiastic. I remembered that I had talked about babies a lot. I remembered that I was head over heels in love. I had forgotten the words I used. "You will be the head of our home", "I will not usurp you", "you will come second only to God in my affections and my life", "I will never compare you to another" "I will defer to you" It would be easy to just say "Well, I was young and naive and I didnt know...", but I think those longings of my heart were good ones. The desire and intention to lift my husband up, to encourage him, to be his helpmate, to strengthen and encourage him, to consider his needs and desires above my own. Our pastor asked us not to put obey in the vows, but we stood firm. and looking back I think we stood firm because we knew it was what we wanted. it was the model we were striving for. It did my heart good to listen to that bouncy vibrant head over heels girl express her love and convictions. I wanna be more like her. :)

Leave me the **** alone!!!

Sooooo.... I might have freaked out so bad on My Man last night I told him I was going to call the cops on him because he wouldn't get out of my personal space. Which I can now see was a dramatic response, but on the flip side there has GOT to be a way to get him to Leave Me Alone when I am having a freak out. :-p He wouldn't back up or stop trying to get me to talk to him or look at him... I wasnt in danger of hurting myself or anything else I just needed him to not be standing 6 inches from my face. :-p More background we got some crap news from the doctor yesterday and I was having a panic attack over the diet restrictions and needed him to just say "I trust you to work this out" instead he kept saying that I could do this if I put my mind to it and that If I wanted to try a different diet I needed to get the doctor to approve it and.. I just needed to be allowed to cry and freak out for a while alone. :-p We ended up working it out after I went to the bedroom and sobbed for awhile and researched and decided what diet changes I could make and actually stick to. I wanna be a cherished wife who is taken care of...who at the same time has the power to say "I am an adult and I am not going to talk to you right now." I also was VERY VERY panic attacky/worked up. Like just screaming losing it. So I can see how he interpreted that to mean "dont give into he hysterics", but I needed him to. I needed him to just say "I love you and I'll walk away, talk to me when you're ready."

Trigger Warning....

Not my usual style or subject matter. A website called "Homeschoolers Anonymous" had a "Corporal Punishment" week and I decided to submit an entry, actually I was ashamed to talk about the "I am turned on by spanking" aspect, but when I mentioned it to the man overseeing this week's entries he said he thought it might be helpful to have the perspective of someone who was abused as a child, and hated the abuse, but is also turned on by spanking and even was as a child amidst the abuse. So I did. http://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/10/06/hurts-me-more-than-you-pollys-story-final/