guilt gut + grace = goodness

we had a super long talk. i cried. i don't know why i am so careless with money.

he took my credit cards so i won't be tempted anymore.

i am grateful for such a loving man.

So many things...

So, I put $190 onto our credit card without talking to My Man about it. And, I called him right away after and "confessed", but I still feel shitty and I am trying to figure out why.

Last Oct I had my siblings for a week, we took a bunch of stuff out of the library, and it got stuck in a bin which did not resurface until April. I took everything back, but the overdue fines had racked up to $190. This then went to a collections agency and we have just been avoiding this particular library.

Today I am stuck out of the house because of a myriad of circumstances My Man is working at a different location than normal for work and because we had a meeting this morning I had to come with him today. I technically could drive home and come back out and get him, but it was be a mega hassle. So, I was just gonna lay low. problem, my iPod which I use for reading, music, games, everything to keep me busy 'til he gets off of work did not get charged last night, he has the wall charger, and it's not something I can just go get from him.

I decided to go to the library and use the computers to charge it - catch I can't use the computer 'til I pay off the fines. I found out that we could put it on a credit card instead of paying cash for it. I also know that the collections agency keeps sending us "reminders", so I just bit the bullet and put it on the card.

I guess the right response would have been to call him and ask him if that seemed like the best course... and I can accept that I could have done that. But, I also am struggling because outside of the D/s relationship could I have just made this decision for myself? If we did not already have established protocol about me not using the credit card without permission would it have been appropriate for me to make this call on my own. I just don't know.

I feel like I am an adult and a partner in this marriage, so I should be able to. But, I also feel like he makes the money, so he should have the main say in how we spend it?

I don't know... I think I just have guilt gut. He said he is not angry with me, but we do need to have a serious conversation about it.

I think I am also stressed because our meeting with our pastor this morning was difficult for me. He has some serious concerns about our lifestyle choices and maybe it's laziness or pride, but I just don't feel like explaining and defending everything. I want us to be able to say "this is the choice we have made for our marriage" period. that's the end of it. *sigh* He was very gracious and listened a lot, but he wants to talk more and... I dunno. I am tired. :-p

stress...

makes me badder.

growing up my parents spanked until i was 14 and grounded after that.

i never experienced time out.

i had a 15 minute time out tonight and i would like to never repeat it again.

of course this was after the excrutiating undeserved welting on my back. (apparently squirming and kicking during a spanking distracts and your back gets hit instead harder than intended and it hurts.) i say totally undeserved... that might be a slight understatement. ;)

this blog posting is totally true, but also said completely tongue in cheek. i do not intend to be taken seriously. :)

Comments

I told Mrs. Soft Bottom today that I always respond to people who leave comments. APPARENTLY I am delusional because when I just went back to confirm this I saw that I haven't replied to most of the comments people have left - SORRY! I guess I am replying in my head :-p I am sorry to anyone who has been kind enough to leave a comment and I did not reply. I have greatly appreciated each one and I don't know why I didn't actually reply. :-p

I will endeavor to be better in the future.

And My Man said lately my blog has seemed as if I am stating things in such a way that people can either agree with me or not reply. And I am sorry for that as well.

I want to respectful honest discussion - I don't intend to be "Agree with me or hit the road"

I am sorry.

For your reading pleasure here is something I wrote for our pastor recently to try to explain my views on submission criticism and critique is welcome. :)

He had asked us to reccomend some resources on why we view submission the way we do. I think he meant in terms of DD and D/s. (I hopefully changed everytime I use My Man's name to My Man :))

I wrote"

Heh heh, kinda depends on how we look at it Biblically or as a lifestyle. :-) 

I think Biblically like "what does God require of husbands and wives" we pretty much agree with most of the books articles and resources reccomended by "the church" :-) 

As far as some of the more "lifestyle" questions there are definitely resources we have gotten advice and input from, but it's hard because even the Biblically backed resources we don't have any one author/book/article we agree with fully. Although that might be true for men like Piper, Driscoll, Tripp too. We have eclectic beliefs at times and are still figuring out what works for us as individuals, a couple, children of God. :-)

Biblically I believe that my command to submit and My Man's command to love are equal. Like, that The Bible calls for everything I do as My Man's wife to be out of my respect and love for him, that he does have limited authority in my life, and that while overall we make all decisions as a couple he does have a special call to have the final say on decisions for our family. At the same time I believe he is called to do everything he does as my husband out of love and honor to me. He has a unique call to lay down his life for me, when he married me he took that promise/duty to care lead and protect me. I do not believe that husbands answer for their wives sins or that God in any way holds My Man responsible for my autonomous decisions, however I do believe that part of Gods call on husbands to love their wives is to lead them. Not be a dictator or harsh or selfish in any way, but to stand strong on what they believe God calls their family to. And part of protecting and leading is challenging their wives toward Godliness and good choices. *laugh* I am not explaining this very well. Like i DO believe that God holds My Man accountable for how he leads me, not how I submit. :-)

I think My Man has the much harder job in our marriage, husbands have the harder job in general, but specifically in our case because of the extra levels of authority I am granting to My Man and he is taking on.

Because God calls husbands to love their wives like Christ loves the church and because they are to follow His example in laying down their lives AND are called to lead and guide and direct I believe there is a constant temptation and pull towards selfishness. Wives have to submit even if their husband is being selfish, so I can see the really hard times My Man has to make sure anytime he issues a request that he is always checking his heart to see if he wants that out of selfishness or of its a God given desire or something it ultimately help me. 

I am constantly amazed at the grace God has given My Man to be able to navigate the waters between abdication and abuse. He sees my submission as a gift I give to him not a right he has. While I feel like I need to see it as both. It is a gift I gave to him on our wedding day ( and try to continue to give to him) but it is also a command I have from God. I suck at it, I am very strong willed, very independent, and very used to making decisions on my own without considering how they effect anyone else. I am selfish and fly by my emotions, and can be very hard to live with let alone lead. :-p  but I am so grateful that God gave me My Man who is equally patient and tender while at the same time is learning not to let me manipulate him or just take my desires and run with them.

Wow, I wrote a book so sorry! I think I express myself better in writing than I do in person and this is a topic I so want to be clear on."

By Orders of My Strong Amazing HubbyDom ;-)

So, My Man came home tonight and fulfilled my wildest dreams for the night. :D

And afterwards he said "I better see on your blog tonight about your amazing Dom." So... here it is :D

He came home and told me I was in trouble. I expected spankings, so I was like "Yay!" He asked me to come over and sit on his lap by the computer and showed me some comments I made today on FetLife that were "disrespectful". I put them in quotations not because his viewing them as disrespect is invalid, but more that when I made them I didn't intend them to disrespect him. (He described me at his submissive wife, and I replied "HA! Me? Submissive??") He explained that when he makes a statement about me it's disrespect to contradict him like that, especially in a public forum where all of our kinky friends can see. He changed my status to basically say "His Young Lady is grounded from Fetlife for the next day. Thanks - her Dom" and then changed my password, so I cannot get on there until after he gets home from work tomorrow.

Then he took me back to our bedroom and had me strip. He made me lie diagonal across our king size bed and bound my wrists to one corner and put gaff tape around my ankles, and then basically say on my feet the whole time. He started with his hand "warming me up" *I am near my period or ovulation or something because the past week I have been SUPER tender, so where I normally laugh until there are bruises these days he taps me and I am like OW OW OW*, then proceeded to use a belt from my calves up to my shoulders. He did a really good job of talking to me throughout and not making me feel alone. Then he used our "new toy" we picked it up for a dollar at the craft store. We call it our "glow in the dark flogger", but it's technical term is "Glowstick Spray Wand" 

It was aaaaaaaawesome!! He had to hold it a certain way, so there were individual pieces hitting instead of a solid "thump", but he did it perfectly and it hurt, but didn't make me feel like I was going to die. (because he didn't do it too hard :))

There are no pics of my back/legs/butt because after spanking me we had amazing sex and then he buzzed me and gave me an immediate and pretty intense orgasm. I cried from the orgasm. :D Then he used the glowstick flogger to hit my nipples and pussy. It felt SO good!! Then I got to fuck him and give him a great orgasm. It was wonderful and amazing and makes me feel super subby and wanting to be super good. YAY!! :D

UPDATED 9:15pm - There are marks now. Maybe I am a pain slutt... or just have zero self control. I liked it though... does that make me a pain slut?

Last Night

Dinner last night went so so well!! It was SUCH a relief to be able to sit and talk with someone and not have to feel like I have to hide my thoughts, emotions, what we are going through, and even more to get advice from someone who has walked a similar path in many ways. It was great, we talked for like 5.5 hours and I had a blast! :)

She basically looked me in the eyes and told me I am brat and self-centered. :-p Normally that would really offend me, but for some reason it didn't. Probably because A: I know it's true and B: I didn't feel like she was saying it in a "You are a horrible person" way, but more like "Ok, now that you know this what are you going to do about it?" :)

She gave me some really great feedback and some good ideas and motivations.

Yay!! :)

I have been bratty in a non-depressed way all day and My Man SAYS he is going to cover me in stripes... I have my doubts, but we shall see. Maybe I can convince him to take pictures. ;-)

SOOO EXCITED!!!!

I am eating dinner tonight with a lady we met when we went to the club so many weeks ago. She and her husband have been married and "in the scene" for quite sometime, so she offered to get together tonight and talk/listen. I am so excited!!!!

My Man wants me to clean before I go... I am sooooo not in the mood, but it could happen... ;-)

Funny story -

A few days ago I knelt down beside him and put my head on his knee "Hubby, are you my sugar daddy?", "Umm... what is cheaper than sugar?", "Ramen?", "Ok, yeah, I'll be your ramen daddy"
*laugh* I guess times are tough. ;-)

I wish I knew a way to get more comments on this blog - if it didn't show me how "views" each entry had I would think no one ever reads and I am talking to myself! I guess I need to be more interesting? :-p

Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY! :)

My Man took me to the zoo today - SO FUN!!!

We got to ride the metro, which is a rare treat as he greatly prefers driving to metroing. :)

My Man was very upbeat and peppy all day while I was kinda "blaaah". I don't know what has been wrong with me recently - I cannot tell if it is PMS or something else, but I have been sooooo down and depressed. Even going with him and doing something special and being out in the sunshine I just felt "down". We did have a good time though - we saw almost everything there was to see.

Highlight of the trip for me was getting spanked. *grin* We stepped off onto a path where no one else was in the trees, he made me lift up my shorts, so he could get to my thigh and he had "just happened" to bring a new little implement. I felt very loved... *grin*

After that we went out to dinner at a place we had never been before- we split steak and rice and chicken and fries, and then we got my first ever frozen strawberry margarita!! It was so fun!! :)

I love being married to a man who loves me even when I am grumpy and gloomy. He is my fave and I cannot imagine being married to anyone else being nearly as amazing!! :)

Why "My Man"?

When I started reading blogs in this arena a few months ago I noticed that lot of people did the M/s D/s thing where the top was Capital and the bottom was lowercase. Or when speaking about the Dominate it was always "He/Him". I didn't feel right not capitalizing myself (like my I's) and I only use capital H for God. (Like if it's at the beginning of a sentence He is capitalized, but if it's like "I went to the store for His burritoes." unless He is God, it's a small h. :)) But. I wanted a respectful way of honoring my husband in these blog posts, I also wanted an anonymous thing going on. As much as I'd like to share my deepest darkest kink with the whole world and *I* am not ashamed there are people in my life who could/would google this stuff and it would be a mess. :)

So, My Man seemed like a good way to do it.

Funny side story - in other areas of my life I have started writing "My Man" as well when referring to my husband, and Sissy noticed this and was teasing me. She said she is going to start calling him "My Man" and I said she cannot because he is MY man not hers... so we decided on Her Man which led to Herman and some very funny Magic School Bus quotes... (Did anyone watch Magic School bus when they had the frogs "Bella" "Heeeeeerman" "Bella!" "Heeeeeeerman" :))

Pics!

My Man said since I have my pics up on Fetlife it's ok to put some here :)

(and the purpose of a safe word)

(I originally was going to do these 2 posts as one, but decided for clarity sake I will do them as 2 separate postings.)

What is the purpose of a safe word?

I think of a safe word as being something you use when you feel like you are in legitimate danger. Either physically, mentally, or emotionally you feel you have reached your cut off and you need things to stop right now. For us we have red and yellow, yellow is the one I would strive for because that still leaves the power in My Man's hands, but it is letting him know I don't feel I can go on much longer.

Recently though I am running into a problem - what do I do what it's not danger it's discomfort or dislike? When it's "I REALLY don't want to do this thing" "I am REALLY not in the mood" "This is not AT ALL something on my radar for enjoyable or fun" We have words and phrases, I am always allowed to say "TIME OUT - here is what I am thinking", but the problem we are running into is when he wants to do it anyways. Whether it's spank me, touch me, hold me, have sex (havent had this one yet, but it's coming) does being a sub mean I just let him do stuff I don't want to do? Does it mean giving up my personal autonomy? He says it is trusting that he will never do anything he thinks is not ultimately for my good. And ultimately for my good might mean he wants pleasure right now and he knows that in my heart of hearts I gain confidence and joy from serving him, so he is going to force me to pleasure him or be near him or whatever.

An example of how this came up recently - we were at the mall, i was super depressed antsy having a REALLY hard time. He kept wanting to hold my hand, to touch me, and to be near me. I was FREAKING OUT everytime he would physically touch me - the more I pulled away the harder he pulled me towards him. No matter what I said or how many times I expressed "I CANT TAKE THIS" he wouldn't stop.... finally I snapped "RED, is that whatyou want???" at him... and he immediately dropped my hand and stepped 3 feet away. I felt guilty and sad...but also immense relief. We talked about it after and he apologized that he didn't let me know enough that he was hearing me and aware, but he still thinks the right response on my end would be to say "I really feel like I can't handle you touching me right now, but I will submit." I feel like that is a lie 'cause there was no way in hell I was letting him touch me right then.

Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?? We are SO new to this - I am definitely a "submissive", but I am not a very submissive person?? Like... I NEED to be dominated, I need people to tell me what to do, but I also have a very thigh independant streak that I also feel an overwhelming need to have some control. HELP! :-p

He took my collar :( :( :(

So, recently we have been reading a lot of fictional BDSM books, and it has been exciting both of us. It has also tempted both of us towards discontent at times, but I think overall it is more spurring us towards being better in our individual roles.

Yesterday My Man decided that he was going to be intentional, firm, and consistent. I have been SUPER depressed recently, which usually leads to a very short fuse for my temper and actions. This has led to a lot more "impromptu" spankings the past couple of days. :-p

Last night there were a number of little things (delays in obeying, outright telling him "I am not gonna do that.", etc) which culminated with My Man telling me something in bed and my "blowing raspberries". This was one of the first rules he set when we started this journey more intentionally 2 months ago. So I knew I was getting spanked, My Man knew I was getting spanked, but gosh darn it - it HURT! So I couldn't stop moving. So he put my left arm in a cuff that he has chained under our bed (we have 2 boards under our bed with 4 cuffs at the 4 corners) and spanked my thigh. HARD! We were both in good moods though, and I was teasing him calling him "my little dommie" (because he calls me his little subbie every day :)), it was all in good fun. Until he said something about "When your Dom speaks" and it reminded me that I have been wanting to have a conversation about what being a Dom really is, and how you have to earn respect etc etc. So, I said "Well, you're not a real Dom. You're like a Dom in training." *I* promise up and down and in and out I intended it like a conversation starter - TOTALLY SWEAR IT! He didn't take it that way. :-p He took it like me saying "Well.. you're not a REAL Dom" and "disrespecting his authorUHTAY" ;-) He decided he needed to "prove me wrong" and he was going to use our cane/switch on me 5 times. I told him no way no how, I was not getting spanked for trying to have a conversation. (Even though looking back now I can see how my timing was completely off and I see why he took it the way he did. I still don't think I intended it in a disrespectful manner.) I ended up using our safe word and saying "I will not accept this."

Well, that's where it gets tricky... he immediately took off the cuff, tossed the ane to the other side of the room, and tried to take off my collar. (except for sleeping and showering I wear it all the time) I freaked out. I couldn't understand why he would do that. We tried and tried to talk, but we weren't getting anywhere and I had already taken my sleeping meds (AND not gotten enough sleep), so it ended up with me giving him my collar and us both sleeping. Basically our conversation consisted of me saying "You don't just get to decide you are a Dom and therefore get all of the respect and benefits of being a Dom. And I am not going to let you hit me just because you decide it is right." And he kept saying that if I didn't trust him enough to accept his decisions to punish me and how much or how little I needed then he couldn't be my Dom.

This morning I knelt before him, I asked him what my orders for the day were, and he said "nothing. until you accept me as your Dom and respect me as your Dom I am not." It broke my heart. I got tears in my eyes and tried to express what I was thinking and feeling. I ended up saying that after sleeping on it I can see how and why he "took offense" at what I said (and my timing :)), that I WANT to be his subby, I WANT him to be my Dom, I NEED to wear his collar in order to feel safe, and I think we are both learning and growing. And if we have to "fake it 'til we make it" I want us to keep trying. (one of my biggest problems is when I think he is being fake - when anyone is being fake - if he is just bossing me around because he read it in a book or he thinks he should then I laugh in his face and cannot receive it.) That I know we both need time to get into these roles it is not going to happen overnight, and while he might not be a Dom at his very core I accept and want him as MY Dom. He accepted this, he even said he will consider my request that we not use pain in situations where I didn't directly break a rule or be defiant. (Like, if he is being "Dommy" and I can tell he is being fake and I laugh, I know that is disrespectful, but I can't help it - it's not me saying "You idiot!" it's just my reflex to the situation.) That maybe he makes me stand in a corner or write lines or something. It's really really hard for me to accept spankings I don't think I earned. He said he will consider it. :-)

Then, he put my collar back on and gave me an order. An order he has never given me before. I am not allowed to wear clothes today...extra kinky because my brother lives here and is at work, so I am supposed to lock the door incase brother comes home and stay naked until My Man comes home.

Sorry...

Sorry to disappear - there are several reasons. Not the least of which is I've been gone most days and when I am home My Man is usually here. :)

Secondarily is that my computer is a butt and it has a hard time remembering when I want to be anonymous and when I want to use my IRL account. :-p (I figured out how to have both account ups if I open "incognito", but then it won't save any passwords or anything on the one that is incognito. :-p)

So... my life over the past week or so...

1. Lots of job interviews. It's funny going to nanny interviews and wondering if the parents are kinky. My Man keeps teasing me that if I get a job and and am cleaning or something I am going to come across a "secret room". :-) I am just worried about what collar to wear that day, so they won't suspect. :-p I actually have worn a chain to both and I don't think anyone thought twice.

2. Lots of erotica. Oh. My. Goodness!! I think it is a blessing I was not introduced to this world before - or maybe it didn't exist as much before? E.L. James (50 Shades) started me down a deep dark path. Kristen Ashley (Knight, Rock Chick series), Sherri Hayes (Finding Anna Series (Slave and Need) (although Slave isn't so much erotica as it is sad and at the same time captivating... I think the sex will come later :)), Sylvia Day (Baring to You), and most recently Cherise Sinclair (Master of the Shadowlands series) Sweet Lord Jesus! :) I had my first orgasm in MONTHS last night!!! (after My Man gave me intense sex, spanking etc, and then patiently used our wonderful Hitachi Magic Wand :D), and we are still trying to figure out how we feel about this word porn. ;-) We found out some things though (won't surprise anyone here or really anyone who has known me more than 5 minutes) - I don't love erotica that doesn't have spanking... I can enjoy it - the Rock Chick girls is hot and fun, but I think it's mostly because they have strong alpha males, but it's not as "OMG THAT IS HOT" as spanking....and flogging and tying up and... I am hopeless. :D :D :D Anyone have any more reccomendations? After I finish the shadowlands series I am going to read The Reluctant Dom?

3. Lots of spankings - the good kind! I don't know if My Man is just getting better or what, but this week has been almost perfect. I have just needed some spanking/caning/whatever and I am burning hot (my bottom and my sex :D), no bruises, no marks the next day... maybe it's the erotica is making me sensitive. :D

That has been my life lately - how are you? :)

PS. I just remembered - we bought hot fudge last night - I am going to see how far I can get My Man with my mouth. :D I always end up gagging and if we push it I throw up. Everytime. (Not everytime I suck My Man's cock, but everytime we don't stop right when I start to feel "chokey.) And it's not usually the depth it's the taste- when I can taste his precum I gag and can't handle it. Bodily fluids are REALLY hard for me - like semen took me a VERY VERY VERY long time to not feel the need to shower the second he came.