He took my collar :( :( :(

So, recently we have been reading a lot of fictional BDSM books, and it has been exciting both of us. It has also tempted both of us towards discontent at times, but I think overall it is more spurring us towards being better in our individual roles.

Yesterday My Man decided that he was going to be intentional, firm, and consistent. I have been SUPER depressed recently, which usually leads to a very short fuse for my temper and actions. This has led to a lot more "impromptu" spankings the past couple of days. :-p

Last night there were a number of little things (delays in obeying, outright telling him "I am not gonna do that.", etc) which culminated with My Man telling me something in bed and my "blowing raspberries". This was one of the first rules he set when we started this journey more intentionally 2 months ago. So I knew I was getting spanked, My Man knew I was getting spanked, but gosh darn it - it HURT! So I couldn't stop moving. So he put my left arm in a cuff that he has chained under our bed (we have 2 boards under our bed with 4 cuffs at the 4 corners) and spanked my thigh. HARD! We were both in good moods though, and I was teasing him calling him "my little dommie" (because he calls me his little subbie every day :)), it was all in good fun. Until he said something about "When your Dom speaks" and it reminded me that I have been wanting to have a conversation about what being a Dom really is, and how you have to earn respect etc etc. So, I said "Well, you're not a real Dom. You're like a Dom in training." *I* promise up and down and in and out I intended it like a conversation starter - TOTALLY SWEAR IT! He didn't take it that way. :-p He took it like me saying "Well.. you're not a REAL Dom" and "disrespecting his authorUHTAY" ;-) He decided he needed to "prove me wrong" and he was going to use our cane/switch on me 5 times. I told him no way no how, I was not getting spanked for trying to have a conversation. (Even though looking back now I can see how my timing was completely off and I see why he took it the way he did. I still don't think I intended it in a disrespectful manner.) I ended up using our safe word and saying "I will not accept this."

Well, that's where it gets tricky... he immediately took off the cuff, tossed the ane to the other side of the room, and tried to take off my collar. (except for sleeping and showering I wear it all the time) I freaked out. I couldn't understand why he would do that. We tried and tried to talk, but we weren't getting anywhere and I had already taken my sleeping meds (AND not gotten enough sleep), so it ended up with me giving him my collar and us both sleeping. Basically our conversation consisted of me saying "You don't just get to decide you are a Dom and therefore get all of the respect and benefits of being a Dom. And I am not going to let you hit me just because you decide it is right." And he kept saying that if I didn't trust him enough to accept his decisions to punish me and how much or how little I needed then he couldn't be my Dom.

This morning I knelt before him, I asked him what my orders for the day were, and he said "nothing. until you accept me as your Dom and respect me as your Dom I am not." It broke my heart. I got tears in my eyes and tried to express what I was thinking and feeling. I ended up saying that after sleeping on it I can see how and why he "took offense" at what I said (and my timing :)), that I WANT to be his subby, I WANT him to be my Dom, I NEED to wear his collar in order to feel safe, and I think we are both learning and growing. And if we have to "fake it 'til we make it" I want us to keep trying. (one of my biggest problems is when I think he is being fake - when anyone is being fake - if he is just bossing me around because he read it in a book or he thinks he should then I laugh in his face and cannot receive it.) That I know we both need time to get into these roles it is not going to happen overnight, and while he might not be a Dom at his very core I accept and want him as MY Dom. He accepted this, he even said he will consider my request that we not use pain in situations where I didn't directly break a rule or be defiant. (Like, if he is being "Dommy" and I can tell he is being fake and I laugh, I know that is disrespectful, but I can't help it - it's not me saying "You idiot!" it's just my reflex to the situation.) That maybe he makes me stand in a corner or write lines or something. It's really really hard for me to accept spankings I don't think I earned. He said he will consider it. :-)

Then, he put my collar back on and gave me an order. An order he has never given me before. I am not allowed to wear clothes today...extra kinky because my brother lives here and is at work, so I am supposed to lock the door incase brother comes home and stay naked until My Man comes home.