My Man just told me I need to find my InnerDom;-)

One of the little girls that I nanny for does NOT listen to me. I will tell her not to do something and she will look at me and do it again. Or do it as many times as she can before I can get to her and physically make her stop.

I cannot seem to discipline her. (time out. taking away stuff, nothing physical :)) I don't know why. I can discipline the other kids I watch.

The two reasons I don't are

1. Because I am so ANGRY with her I am scared that I am being unfair. My Man says it's not unfair to put her in time out because she blatantly looked me in the face and disobeyed...even though I am angry. :)

2. Because I want to extend grace to her. I hate legalism and "perfectionism". I don't want to "bring down the hammer" for everything wrong she does.

But it's getting worse and worse and her mom keeps telling me she needs to be given a consequence everytime or she won't believe I will be consistent and she will just run all over me.

Reminds me of me. :-p

To obey is better than sacrifice...

I have a question for my readers (and really for the bloggers that know so much more than I do :))

What do you do when your HOH tells you to do something or makes a decision and you think it's stupid or foolish or silly? What if you outright think it's wrong?

For the second category I feel free to tell him I feel it's immoral or "wrong" and if he persists in thinking that is the course we are going to take (and this has never happened in our marriage, where I said "I think this is WRONG" and he just decided we were going ahead with it) to go to one of his guy friends or our pastor or something and get them involved. Then, if they agree with him I can know I am just  being sensitive or something.

But, in the first category I am still trying to figure it out.

Example - Today the line at Chick Fil A was wrapping around the building and all of the parking spots were full, so My Man pulled into the handicap, told me to wait in the car, and he'd be "right out".

I said "Well, I'll just drive around until  you get out, so we don't get in trouble."

He said "No, just wait here. It'll be fine."

After he went in I started thinking "Well, I'll just drive anyways, I know we won't get a ticket that way and he won't really care."

But, then a little voice inside my head started saying "But he told you to stay here..." and I started thinking "worst case scenario, we get a ticket, and I obeyed." And decided to listen. He was less than 5 minutes and all was good.

But, it got me thinking - is it always the right course to just "do what he says" even if I think it's dumb or rude or whatever. Like, we are running late for a meeting with someone, he finds out I haven't eaten yet and tells me to make a sandwich or we are going through a drive-through. I think it's rude to keep the people waiting, but he feels it's important for me to eat first.

An example from our courtship was he let me borrow his truck to take my siblings to the library. He told me to park in the parking lot across the street which has big signs "No parking except for shopping center business, violators will be towed". I told him about it, he said it would be fine, I said "I really think it's a bad idea", he said "It's ok. It will be fine. Park there." So I did. And we got towed. I had to walk like a mile or more with 5 kids under 12. It was $100 to get it out of the tow lot. But I obeyed. ;-)

I am sure this will come up even more after we have kids and he either does or does not want our kids doing things and I don't agree... when it turns out I was right and he was wrong I ALWAYS tell him "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" and make a big deal about how he should have listened to my  superior wisdom, but with this new direction in our marriage I think that doesn't breed respect and I am trying to stop... but I can't help a little of it. ;-)

How do you ladies handle it? I am going to ask this one some blogs too!! :)

My Song...

I started writing this song in the car today - it touched my heart (no, not really).. you may hold your applause...and critiques. ;-) ;-) ;-)
(this is to be laughed at not taken seriously ;-))

*sung to the tune of "Barbie Girl*

I'm a chubby blob
My body makes you sob
When you see me
You'll scream "She's ugly!"
Used to fit that dress
Now I'm just a mess
I should diet
But I just can't try it

(not changed)
She's so ugly she disgusts me- oooh oooh ooh yeah
She's so ugly she disgusts me - oooooh yeaaah

I'm a gross plus sized girl
How I feel I should hurl
When I walk through the mall the guys vomit
From my face to my hips
Is remains from the chips
That I ate late one night in the closet
But I've got
boobies
and they swing when I'm standing still

I can't think of a good ending... so That's all... ;-)Here is the "best" picture from Halloween ;)

I WAS invited I promise...

I rarely check my hisunsubmissiveyounglady gmail address, but today when I logged in there was an email inviting me to a blog t1klish? When I clicked on the invite it said I don't have one and when I typed in the bloggers ID it said I am not invited. *pout* I am I promise!!!

If you are this blogger I didn't spurn your invitation on purpose!!

I like kind people...

I woke up this morning with a body fully commited to menstruating. ;-) (in other words my period started for real this time)

I took My Man to work expecting to rush home, so I didn't bring any extra "protection". I decided to eat lunch at Chipotle (with permission) and go to the library to print our tickets for the midnight showing Breaking Dawn II. I definitely should have packed extra stuff and the library didn't have a "feminine hygene product dispenser" in the restroom, so I went to the desk to ask. One lady was very abrupt and slightly rude, but a very sweet lady in a wheelchair offered me a pad. And then when I came back to thank her later she told me she had more if I needed.

I am so grateful for kind people in the world! :)

In other news my butt is killing me this morning. I don't know if it's from spankings or something else... there are no bruises or anything, but it throbs and hurts from the middle of my butt to my hips. Ugh.

I started a song/poem on the way here this morning, but I'll post it as it's own entry. ;-) ;-)

I was just trying to be helpful...

So, I have been "cruising" all night - some times I don't need to feel it for weeks and others I feel this constant need. My period has "started and stopped" twice in the last few days, so I think it's mostly pms? But anyways, after making some smart comment about how he was a "mean hubby and only ever offers bad spankings" he got the "hint" and "decided all on his own" I needed a spanking.

Well, I've been reading Hermione's blog a lot tonight and she talks a lot about "warm ups", so earlier today I commented to My Man that I think the reason we go from zero to sixty is because he never warms me up anymore he just starts beating.

So, I got this amazing idea that if he just started in I was gonna remind him.

It went like this...

He comes up behind me as I am reading blogs and grabs me hair and PULLS

I start to play dumb "What? Why? Where are we going?"

He leads me over to the coffeetable *side note just last night I pointed out to him we could do over the knee on there and it worked PERFECTLY* and throws me over his lap..

*WHAP WHAP* (medium hard)

I pipe up "Have you ever heard of a WARM UP?"

He stops stunned and says (trying REALLY hard not to laugh I can tell) "Oh is THAT  how you wanna play it tonight??"

Let's just say I am sitting on a lot of soft things and still squirming.

I love My Man. :D <<<< Cheeky Grin

I love...

That I am getting to a place where I can start to recognize my emotions and impulses better.

That I married a man who when I look at him and say "I feel like I just need maintainence." immediately pauses his show, smiles, and says "Come here you."

That feeling right after a "little spanking" where I feel freshly chastised, very loved, and a little "wet".

*grin*

And sometimes you win...

He spanked me rosy.

I sucked him pretty well.

I initiated sex.

He finished well.

And sometimes we win. :D

Ramblings...

1. I wish sex were easier. Some days it's amazing - it seems like most days it's fine, but then My Man and I will get into this rut where it seems like everytime we have sex or try to have sex something goes wrong. I hate that. Last night was one of those times. It seems like everything he was doing was "wrong", and I would say "Please don't spank me right now", "Please don't try to buzz me right now." etc, but... he really thought it would help so he continued to do those things which in turn frustrated me and made me want to shut down and just "get through" it. Which of course makes me him sad, mad, and frustrated and... yeah... it never ends well. It probably didn't help that my sleeping meds had already kicked in which makes me significantly less responsive. *le sigh* He is off tomorrow, so maybe we can try again then. I am guessing tonight will be a bust since he has been up since 5am and works an 11 hour shift.

2. Our house. Wow... My Man's biggest complaint and most often request is the state of our house. It's dirty, it's messy, it's cluttered, and it's mostly my fault. I do try, but not hard enough, and he could try harder, but we're both tired...and lazy. Well, yesterday our building was being sprayed for roaches and the roach guys reported our apartment as "poor condition" to the main office, so we got a notice saying we need to clean. I think they think we are the source of the roaches. We very well may be. It's INCREDIBLY embarrassing and humbling, but also doesn't help my feelings of being overwhelmed. I know it's a disaster, he knows it's a disaster, but we just can't seem to stay on top of it. :(

3. Funny sayings - so, I nanny/babysit for 4 girls after school L(9), B(6), A(6), M(6), they are from 3 different families, not triplets. :) Over the past month here are a few of the indicators that My Man and I must not be hiding our "way of life" too well (all from L pretty much)

L:Ms. Lady, you always act like Mr. Man is your boss.
Me: Well, he kinda is *go into an explanation*
L:Hmm...

A week or so later
Me: Do you girls want me to buy you xyz?
L: Did you ask Mr. Man? Hmm? You're not allowed to spend money you know.

Recently we were at the mall and one of those guys at the kiosks was trying to get me to spend $150 on a new hair straightener. I kept trying to tell him "I really can't." and used the excuse "My husband would kill me."
B looks worried, "Would he really kill you?"

Me "No of course not honey! But, I am not allowed to spend money like that."

L - Yeah, she'd be in trouuuuble... Mr. Man would punish her.

*laugh* I wonder what they relate home to their parents. Her mom seems to think we have an amazing marriage and my husband is the sweetest and best (which she should think because he is.)

The funniest part to me is the OTHER girls, A and M are cousins and both have single moms - well, A is VERY "women's lib" and anytime she hears make any comment about "listening to Mr. Man" she is like "Ms. Lady- you're a grown woman!! Make your own choices!!" *laugh*

Reprieve

Between his lack of sleep (therefore not getting up early enough to do anything this morning), my bronchial infection, both of us' exaustion, and the myriad of bruises my backside and thighs have already accumulated My Man decided tonight that he will still take the "my money" check, but I do not have to be spanked.

Praise The Lord, and thank you Hubby. :)

Story Up??

There is this super fun game called Story Up on my Iphone where you write a story with someone else, taking turns, and there are words they give you each round you have to incorporate into your story. I want to write "dirty" (spanking ;)) stories, but am always scared I am playing with a kid... anyone out there in blogland play?? :D

I am sisof9

Does any woman LIKE giving oral?

This is a debate My Man and I have had our whole marriage, but it came up again a few nights ago, and he suggested I ask the blog world.

Ladies out there - I know there ARE women out there who love to give blowjobs - it makes you happy, excited, fulfilled, whatever. And **I** know there ARE women out there like me (although My Man seriously thinks they are much fewer than I think) who are grossed out and disgusted by it. (I perform it for him, but I REALLY don't like it, I gag everytime, I HATE the thought of the body part he pees out of being in my mouth)

But my contention is that I believe MOST women do it because they love their spouse and want him to be happy and sexually satisfied, but it's not like when you hear him grunt "Give me a blow job" or trying to stick his penis in your face or something other indicator that he wants "service" that you're overjoyed and excited about it.

Am I just off the mark?

I am so pissed right now I can barely breath...

How do good days and good intentions go so bad??

I just wanna spit on him and then go to sleep.

Ugh.

With Great Power Comes Great...

I am not using the words I can think of because I'd like to keep my pretty ass as pale as possible, but with my newfound submissiveness My Man's first edict...

I had to drive an hour with only my bra and underwear (I was taking teenage sister home) his sage advice "Don't get pulled over."

**eye roll**

It did make me laugh though. :)

UPDATE: It was AFTER I dropped her off - no minors were scarred in the making of this edict. ;-)

Be Careful What You Wish For...

There are many things to say in this post, so it might be a little disorganized. I will try to keep things concise. :-)

The reason for the title to this post is that recently I have been feeling disconnected from My Man. Not that we don't express daily love for each other or anything like that, but just we are tired and busy. We get up in the mornings and get ready for our days, maybe watch a little tv, ride to work together - kiss goodbye, he works/I work, end of the day we eat dinner, watch tv/read on our own/maybe browse the net alone, and go to sleep. Not only is sex missing from there, but also just a sense of oneness.

Another thing that has been blatantly missing from our marriage is any sort of tangible headship/HOH. It's not like he isn't "the boss" (I actually have some cute/funny stories to relate at a later date about how it's pretty apparent even to the little kids in my life that he IS the leader :)), but... I've gotten really lax in including him in my daily decisions and seeking his thoughts and input?

So, I have been craving this. Partially from reading a LOT of Carolyn Faulkner the past week (don't worry My Man is fine with it, this is one thing I didn't avoid him in :)) and she paints such a good picture of strong men who take charge and strong women who let them...or not. ;-) And partially just from being who I am. I have this inate need inside of me to be "taken in hand" to be held to standards knowing there are consequences that actually mean something. One of the hardest things about adulthood for me has always been that there are no longer any boundaries or consequences I can see. As long as I don't murder or steal I can pretty much do what I want. I mean, I have even WANTED to get caught speeding just so I could know there were repercussions for my actions. ;-)

So, anyways - Yesterday I accidentally "edited and reposted" the old posting about sex, and I guess My Man hadn't seen it when it was originally posted, so he wrote me this super long super sweet email about wanting to invest in me and wanting to be close and realizing he's dropped the ball a little etc etc etc. And we started talking in the car and I started talking about how I feel like any discipline in our marriage from him is only in the context of play and we started exploring why I feel this way. And a big thing on his end was that anytime he tries to correct me in a serious way (like for something legit not something in the context of a "scene") I balk at it, I tell him he doesn't have that right, I am a grown woman etc. I agreed that I definitely go to that mindset when I don't want to be corrected. But, I don't WANT to be that way, I want to change. 

And as we were talking I realized that there were things I had been doing recently that were so totally not even near the realm of ok, and they almost ALL had to do with money. (I can tell anyone who has read my blog before is not even a little surprised as this seems to be the area I am the worst in) The big thing was that my brother always pays us his rent in cash - $300 cash. This month My Man told me "Put that in the bank today." I said "Sure!"...and never did. And in the last 9 days spent the entire thing. Now in my "defense" a lot of it was legitimate spending things My Man told me to buy (a heater for our bedroom, groceries, etc), but not near all of it. I have been eating out several times a day and he knew this, but he thought I was using my "own" money. (I get cash I can spend on whatever I want) My sister has been here visiting and he knows I am feeding her, but I spur of the moment decided to go to Applebees and it didn't even cross my mind to tell (or ASK) him beforehand. So, because we had just had this long conversation he informed me that before church tomorrow I am going to get the "mother of all spankings", he is also taking "my money" and going to make me ask for cash when I need/want it. I HATE THAT!! I know it is fair and right and just, I spent our "family money" as "my own", but I get panicy and HATE not having money I can spend freely. So, I think it was a good (and logical) punishment.

So, all of this happens - in the car driving home from work last night - and I started to be smart. I don't even know what I said, but it escalated and escalated to the point where I just couldn't stop. We ended up in the bedroom where he gave me a "small spanking" with something that doesn't make any noise. (My sister is still here and I was scared she would hear) (oh, and the thing that doesn't make noise is my arch-nemesis the ipod cord. :)) OH! And he decided when he goes to kiss me I am not allowed to turn my head, and I have to kiss back. (So unreasonable I know. ;-) :-p) So we spent a loooong time "practicing" and I cannot figure out how or why, but as we were all done and getting ready to go out and hang with my sister I decided to "squeeze his balls". I have this really bad habit of "barely hurting" his balls when I am annoyed because I can't cause him pain anywhere else like he can cause me and it amuses me. I know I am a bitch, I am horrible, I am mean... but last night he decided that the best response to me hitting him in his privates was to hit me in mine. 

He laid me on my back and sat on my stomach facing my crotch, forcibly held my legs apart, and told me "I am going to hit it 3 times with my hand, if you close your legs and struggle I will start over." Oh. My. Goodness. I was in so much pain and SO much shock that he would hit me THERE. HARD. I did struggle and was overwhelmed by the pain, but managed to not add anymore. The second he was done I ran to the other side of the room, ripped off my collar, and sobbed. He realized immediately that something had gone "wrong" and so he didn't respond angrily about the collar or me needing to be away from him. He informed me I was having a panic attack (and after he said it I realized he was right I couldn't get words out, I was shaking, I was sobbing so hard I was choking) and we needed to work through it. As I explained it to him he said "Well, why didn't you safe word? Why didn't you say yellow to let me know or even red to get me to stop?" The honest truth is it never even crossed my mind. As I thought through ways to make the pain; stop screaming and telling him it hurts, squeezing my legs shut, clawing at him, none of these things worked, so the only thing I could think of was to submit. To force my legs open and allow him to finish. 

And that was a key to last night. However he needs to change his attack next time (he admit he DID hit me harder than he intended, and he DOES want me to say yellow if I am ever feeling like that so he knows how it affected me), there was a part of me that for the first time in a very long time felt like he was truly in control and there was nothing I could do about it. I was angry and hurting and FREAKING OUT, but I was also feeling ashamed because a part of me felt completed. A part of me felt relieved, and even turned on (although not enough to want to have sex in the least ;-))... So, he has informed me this will be the discipline everytime I hurt his penis... and that VERY much makes me not want to ever hit him in his crotch again, so I think that's the point. :-p

The rest of the night I found myself making a conscious effort to be submissive and respectful. Usually when we were watching tv I start saying "Fast forward!! Skip!" when the commercials come on. (He has this bad habit of watching whatever is on the tv, even commercials...even though he doesnt actually WANT to watch it :)) And last night I think I said something more like "Could we please skip the commercials?" :) I realized that some of this is completely on me. I need to make the intentional effort to speak respectfully and submissively even if I don't feel it. Almost a "fake it 'til you make it". That I am not speaking that way in order to not get "in trouble", but I am speaking that way because I want to respect this man. I want to treat him with respect and deference and be submissive because I love him. And because I think it makes our marriage better for BOTH of us. 

So, this is like a small novel. If anyone made it this far congratulations! ;-)

I'll post about the "mother of all spankings" this week... if it happens. *cheeky grin @ my man* ;-)

UPDATE 7PM - I counted the money and what I spent on "legitimate things" and I only spent 50 - 75 of the "family money"...he says my spanking won't be any less though. I think that's fair. I might disagree when it's time to pay the piper though. :)

I should win the sucky blogger of the year award...

I AM SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED IN SO LONG!!! I should be spanked soundly. ;-)

I don't even have any legitimate excuses, and the weak ones I have are that I know I am not very good at blogging and don't have much interesting to say, so I didn't write much. And that not that much new has gone on in my life. And that I would much much rather read awesome people like Hermione (hermionesheart.blogspot.com) and Christina (redbootywoman.blogspot.com). :) I enjoy reading other people's experiences because I feel like it helps me to be a better wife and gives me and My Man tips and pointers for our own journey. :)

Thank you Ms. Hermione for the suggestion about the "subscribe button"!!! Oh my goodness what a simple fix and it worked so well!!! I don't know why it didn't work when that is where I wanted it!! :) THANK YOU!!!

I am going to write an actual update in a new post - hopefully today, maybe even this morning. My teenage sister has been staying here this week, and I can't write when she is up. **halo**

Subscribe?

It looks really out of place, and I don't know how to fix it, but there is now a space for you to subscribe by email or I THINK subscribe through google connect? :-p :-)

BTW, My Man and I had good sex yesterday and it reminded me that it's not that bad or hard if we're both into it. ;-)

Bored? Weary? Selfish?

In the last week My Man and I have had sex once. Even in our "pre-kink" days a whole week gone by without being intimate would have been odd.

I am not even sure WHY this is the case. I think it's partially because we are both working, we are working semi-strange hours. (We leave the house together around noon or 1 and then we get back to the house together around 11) We are tired and out of it. Sex is hard, it's not something relaxing or "chill". When we are not at work we just want to veg in front of the tv, read a book, SLEEP!

But, I wonder if there is something wrong with this. We are snuggling, we hug and kiss, we express our love verbally every day. Is sex really THAT important?

Part of me says yes, because I have been told my whole life that if a husband and wife are not having sex they are going to grow apart, that sex is vital, that a marriage will die without it.

But, then, another part of me says That's bullcocky! There are marriage where one of the spouses is unable to have sex and they still love each other and work hard at their marriage. Or when couples get old I KNOW some of them are not getting jiggy with it and they have a deep love and care for each other.

I do miss it in some senses, but I also feel like I can find my fulfillment in My Man in ways other that intercourse.

He misses it though. And that is where the selfishness comes in. Yesterday he tried several times to "get something started", but I kept turning him down because "it's my first day off." "we have so much to do" "we don't have time" "it doesn't feel good right now"... I just wasn't in the mood or have any desire for sex. :-/ I know some of it is my cycle, but some of it is mental too - Sex doesn't come easy for me and so if we haven't done it in "a long time" the thought of trying to get it started just makes me so weary.

I think I will try to be available when My Man comes home today, so he can know I love him and just in case there is something missing in a sexless marriage. :-p

Updateishness :D

I am trying to sort through things right now. Trying to figure out why I feel the things I think I feel and what I am actually feeling in the things I have no clue. :-p

First - I know I battle depression, it is generally related to my hormones, but they are so out of whack I am not even sure why I feel things at certain times anymore. (It used to be I could tell if I was ovulating or about to menstruate or what, but now it's so...random.) This relates to the D/s DD stuff in that I don't know where *I* want this all to be going and when My Man tries to take the lead or tried to read me and go from there things get all messed up.

Second - I feel like I don't have any time or energy to GIVE to My Man anymore. We spent a week at the beach relaxing and that SO helped, but then we get back and life just comes racing back at us. It is so stressful caring for three 6 year olds and a 9 year old (and 75% of the stress is just from 2 of the siz year olds). I am not a naturally bossy person - I am a naturally lazy person, a naturally fun loving person, a person who likes to make others happy and bring them joy...and as long as we are doing fun stuff the girls enjoy we get along great, but the second I try to assert any authority it's met with such intense opposition. OR it's just... I can't control them. Like, we go to a store and they start playing tag and yelling. When I grab one of them and tell her she has to stand by me because she is not using proper store etiquette she drops to the floor and starts SQUEALING and drawing people's attention and it's totally embarrassing and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I told her she was gonna get a time out which I feel like was the worst thing I could have done because she made my next hour a living hell. Whining, complaining, refusing to comply with even the simplest request (I was waiting 'til we go to the activity we were going to), like "put your seatbelt on." "Don't try to open the door while I am driving." etc. By having to be the grownup all day I feel like by the end of the day I am so empty of all maturity I just act out towards My Man. I am a complete and total brat and it's not even fun it's just I feel like I have nothing left to give and just need to know I don't have to be the mature, responsible, in charge one in our relationship.

Third - I have so many hang ups. Like, all he wants in the world is a blowjob where he can come. We have been married almost 3.5 years and it has never happened. Longest blowjob ever was less than 5 minutes. Part of it is that I gag, part of it is that my jaw starts to hurt, and most of it is that I don't LIKE it. The very concept of putting someone's genitalia in my MOUTH makes my stomach church just typing it here. You spend your entire childhood being told the areas you pee and poop out of are gross and disgusting and dirty and then when you are a grown up all of the sudden you're expected to put someone elses in your mouth??? I don't think so. :-p Plus, I am not a guy, and I am not him, so I just don't see the point. There are other ways we can get him to come, so why keep pushing the one way that makes ME feel disgusting and gross?? He says to him it is the ultimate act of submission...and I guess I can see that... I guess. It's not that I don't want to bring him pleasure - I just making him happy and bringing him pleasure, but I guess it's hard for me that it has to be in the way that I feel so grossed out and used? I also blame his body - I am not sure he would be capable of coming during a blowjob - he needs things so precise to come that I cannot keep the exact rhythm and whatever that he needs?

That's where my head's at these days... and hating my infertility. I know I go on about brats and how I don't want to have to be in charge anymore, but I really do still want my own kids. I feel like with my own kids I'll have more of an idea of what to do. More options? I'll know them better, so I will better be able to tell when they are not listening or if they just didn't realize they were being bad? I dunno...

Book Reccomends??

(I Will Post An Update Later, But For Now...)


I have been reading non-stop dom/sub erotica for the past few months - My Man is about to forbid them he is so sick of the stupidity and sex.

So, my question is - does anyone have reccomends of books where the male lead is strong, takes charge, is alpha, a good leader, etc and there are not graphic sex scenes? We are fine with spanking, controlling, etc, but he wants me to stop filling my head with graphic sex - any ideas?? :)

Thank you!!!