Be Careful What You Wish For...

There are many things to say in this post, so it might be a little disorganized. I will try to keep things concise. :-)

The reason for the title to this post is that recently I have been feeling disconnected from My Man. Not that we don't express daily love for each other or anything like that, but just we are tired and busy. We get up in the mornings and get ready for our days, maybe watch a little tv, ride to work together - kiss goodbye, he works/I work, end of the day we eat dinner, watch tv/read on our own/maybe browse the net alone, and go to sleep. Not only is sex missing from there, but also just a sense of oneness.

Another thing that has been blatantly missing from our marriage is any sort of tangible headship/HOH. It's not like he isn't "the boss" (I actually have some cute/funny stories to relate at a later date about how it's pretty apparent even to the little kids in my life that he IS the leader :)), but... I've gotten really lax in including him in my daily decisions and seeking his thoughts and input?

So, I have been craving this. Partially from reading a LOT of Carolyn Faulkner the past week (don't worry My Man is fine with it, this is one thing I didn't avoid him in :)) and she paints such a good picture of strong men who take charge and strong women who let them...or not. ;-) And partially just from being who I am. I have this inate need inside of me to be "taken in hand" to be held to standards knowing there are consequences that actually mean something. One of the hardest things about adulthood for me has always been that there are no longer any boundaries or consequences I can see. As long as I don't murder or steal I can pretty much do what I want. I mean, I have even WANTED to get caught speeding just so I could know there were repercussions for my actions. ;-)

So, anyways - Yesterday I accidentally "edited and reposted" the old posting about sex, and I guess My Man hadn't seen it when it was originally posted, so he wrote me this super long super sweet email about wanting to invest in me and wanting to be close and realizing he's dropped the ball a little etc etc etc. And we started talking in the car and I started talking about how I feel like any discipline in our marriage from him is only in the context of play and we started exploring why I feel this way. And a big thing on his end was that anytime he tries to correct me in a serious way (like for something legit not something in the context of a "scene") I balk at it, I tell him he doesn't have that right, I am a grown woman etc. I agreed that I definitely go to that mindset when I don't want to be corrected. But, I don't WANT to be that way, I want to change. 

And as we were talking I realized that there were things I had been doing recently that were so totally not even near the realm of ok, and they almost ALL had to do with money. (I can tell anyone who has read my blog before is not even a little surprised as this seems to be the area I am the worst in) The big thing was that my brother always pays us his rent in cash - $300 cash. This month My Man told me "Put that in the bank today." I said "Sure!"...and never did. And in the last 9 days spent the entire thing. Now in my "defense" a lot of it was legitimate spending things My Man told me to buy (a heater for our bedroom, groceries, etc), but not near all of it. I have been eating out several times a day and he knew this, but he thought I was using my "own" money. (I get cash I can spend on whatever I want) My sister has been here visiting and he knows I am feeding her, but I spur of the moment decided to go to Applebees and it didn't even cross my mind to tell (or ASK) him beforehand. So, because we had just had this long conversation he informed me that before church tomorrow I am going to get the "mother of all spankings", he is also taking "my money" and going to make me ask for cash when I need/want it. I HATE THAT!! I know it is fair and right and just, I spent our "family money" as "my own", but I get panicy and HATE not having money I can spend freely. So, I think it was a good (and logical) punishment.

So, all of this happens - in the car driving home from work last night - and I started to be smart. I don't even know what I said, but it escalated and escalated to the point where I just couldn't stop. We ended up in the bedroom where he gave me a "small spanking" with something that doesn't make any noise. (My sister is still here and I was scared she would hear) (oh, and the thing that doesn't make noise is my arch-nemesis the ipod cord. :)) OH! And he decided when he goes to kiss me I am not allowed to turn my head, and I have to kiss back. (So unreasonable I know. ;-) :-p) So we spent a loooong time "practicing" and I cannot figure out how or why, but as we were all done and getting ready to go out and hang with my sister I decided to "squeeze his balls". I have this really bad habit of "barely hurting" his balls when I am annoyed because I can't cause him pain anywhere else like he can cause me and it amuses me. I know I am a bitch, I am horrible, I am mean... but last night he decided that the best response to me hitting him in his privates was to hit me in mine. 

He laid me on my back and sat on my stomach facing my crotch, forcibly held my legs apart, and told me "I am going to hit it 3 times with my hand, if you close your legs and struggle I will start over." Oh. My. Goodness. I was in so much pain and SO much shock that he would hit me THERE. HARD. I did struggle and was overwhelmed by the pain, but managed to not add anymore. The second he was done I ran to the other side of the room, ripped off my collar, and sobbed. He realized immediately that something had gone "wrong" and so he didn't respond angrily about the collar or me needing to be away from him. He informed me I was having a panic attack (and after he said it I realized he was right I couldn't get words out, I was shaking, I was sobbing so hard I was choking) and we needed to work through it. As I explained it to him he said "Well, why didn't you safe word? Why didn't you say yellow to let me know or even red to get me to stop?" The honest truth is it never even crossed my mind. As I thought through ways to make the pain; stop screaming and telling him it hurts, squeezing my legs shut, clawing at him, none of these things worked, so the only thing I could think of was to submit. To force my legs open and allow him to finish. 

And that was a key to last night. However he needs to change his attack next time (he admit he DID hit me harder than he intended, and he DOES want me to say yellow if I am ever feeling like that so he knows how it affected me), there was a part of me that for the first time in a very long time felt like he was truly in control and there was nothing I could do about it. I was angry and hurting and FREAKING OUT, but I was also feeling ashamed because a part of me felt completed. A part of me felt relieved, and even turned on (although not enough to want to have sex in the least ;-))... So, he has informed me this will be the discipline everytime I hurt his penis... and that VERY much makes me not want to ever hit him in his crotch again, so I think that's the point. :-p

The rest of the night I found myself making a conscious effort to be submissive and respectful. Usually when we were watching tv I start saying "Fast forward!! Skip!" when the commercials come on. (He has this bad habit of watching whatever is on the tv, even commercials...even though he doesnt actually WANT to watch it :)) And last night I think I said something more like "Could we please skip the commercials?" :) I realized that some of this is completely on me. I need to make the intentional effort to speak respectfully and submissively even if I don't feel it. Almost a "fake it 'til you make it". That I am not speaking that way in order to not get "in trouble", but I am speaking that way because I want to respect this man. I want to treat him with respect and deference and be submissive because I love him. And because I think it makes our marriage better for BOTH of us. 

So, this is like a small novel. If anyone made it this far congratulations! ;-)

I'll post about the "mother of all spankings" this week... if it happens. *cheeky grin @ my man* ;-)

UPDATE 7PM - I counted the money and what I spent on "legitimate things" and I only spent 50 - 75 of the "family money"...he says my spanking won't be any less though. I think that's fair. I might disagree when it's time to pay the piper though. :)