O.M.G.

It was good good night in the (Hmm I never gave us a pseudo last name... we shall evermore be My Man and Young Lady Firebird ;-)), er, it was a good good night in the Firebird household. Whewmama!!

So, the last couple of weeks we have both been working a lot. I mean, a lot for me meaning that I got a p/t job and My Man has just been working 45 - 50 hour weeks. And, we are both exhausted at the end of the day and My Man tends to sleep until 30 mins before he needs to leave. (even if he doesn't need to leave 'til 1pm ;-)) We have been having semi-regular sex, but it hasn't been amazing just decent. (which for us actually isn't bad since we've spent much of our marriage with me hating intercourse, foreplay, and aftercare :-p )

Tonight we had an impromptu date - he showed me his old neighborhood and then treated us at our favorite steakhouse. It was super fun and relaxing. But, my need to be dominated was growing. It has been the past couple of weeks - I don't just want him to spank me - I want him to take control and leave me to his care. At dinner I had mentioned to him "I want stripes." and then later in the night I was sassing him in the car (in the hopes he would spank me :)). As he got out of the car I said "Fuck you." (I basically use fuck you, fucktard, fuckwad... to get immediate funishment ;)) and then threw his hat on the ground outside the door. He responded "Those stripes you wanted, definitely coming your way." I had shivers and hopes, but especially in the last few weeks his threats don't always meet with action once we  get inside. Because we are so tired once we get inside and he has used the facilities and changed into comfy clothes he just wants to rest, and often my desire to be beaten has diminished and I plead out. Not tonight...

After he got ready I walked into the bedroom and he took control. Oh it was glorious!! He took his time chaining me to the bed, kissing my body, touching me all over, gently swatting my bottom and back and thighs, getting harder and harder until I could "feel the burn", then he started in with the flogger - that thing can pack a punch *laugh*, but I was enoying the attention more than hating the pain. :) Then he started in with my "favorite" implement - it actually probably is my favorite because it has the best results, but I never fear it's going to actually harm me. Our plastic knitting needles. They are super thin and flexible, so they sting and welt without bruising. Another plus is that there are two of them and they are easily wielded in two hands, so My Man has gotten REALLY good at using both at the same time to set a rhythym. I don't know how else to explain them except that most of the time it feels like itty bitty stings ALL OVER MY BODY! It's very uncomfortable and I start squirming a lot, but it's never totally unbearable. Tonight he asked me if I really wanted welts that would last. I said yes. He decided he was going to do "surprise attacks" basically do the little stings and then hit when I didn't expect. I SCREAMED - and he, being a good dom and hubby, stopped immediately. O.M.G. It hurt like crazy. I started crying. This has only happened once before (tears) - wow. Once I calmed down and explained I was upset now because it was in the middle of my back and I couldn't see it he did 2 more, once on each thigh. Those weren't nearly as horrible, but it didn't matter because I never did get to see them...which leads to part 2. of 3. ;-)

THEN, he rolled me over onto my back and started playing with my body. He tried doing nipple clamps, but I have inverted nipples and REALLY big boobs (42 DD-DDD), so it's super hard to get them to stay on. :-p Long story short I have never orgasmed except with a vibrator alone. Anything else touching me at the same time frustrates me and I can't "finish". (even the O's I get from vibe aren;'t AMAZING... early in our marriage the vibe would make me GUSH liquid, like i was soak through our mattress - really wet - lol, not there is nothing) Tonight he decided we were going to get me to O with the hitachi AND his fingers inside of me. After forever and much crying and gnashing of teeth - IT WORKED!! And it felt REALLY good!! :D

THHEEEEEEN, he fucked. O.M.G. He fucked me and it felt SO GOOD!!! And the bestest part... I asked him to put the small butt plug in me AND IT FELT AMAZING AS HE FUCKED ME!!!! Wow... I have never experienced that before and I LOOOOOVED IT!!!! (which probably means next time I will absolutely hate it, but for today I LOVED IT! :))

Then we tried the "medium" plug and it hurt so bad I couldn't let him get it all the way in. I REALLY wish our plugs came in closer together sizes!!! It goes from my thumb (maybe just bigger) to bigger than all 5 of my fingers together. Really annoying.

Anyways, I HAD AN AMAZING NIGHT!!! :D :D :D I love My Man SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!! I got to talk dirty to him as he came and it was great!! YAY!!!

I never know what to write anymore...

I either come across like a whiner or a brat or a poser or who knows what.

I want to be real and genuine, but it feels like even just in my own head I am a different person day to day.

Like for example - I ask My Man for funishment - I get pissed because it hurts so much - he insists he was going at like half of our normal force.

I ask My Man to be firmer and then I get pissed because he is so bossy and I want my personal autonomy.

I know what I want in my head, but because of sleeplessness, hunger, time, work, roommates, whatever it just never seems to fit reality.  I have even tried asking My Man to just do what he wants and I'll "go along", but it's no fun for either of us if it's no fun for me. :-p

I think we are going to find a new church, so I'll maybe be able to have a strong church family/community again, but that doesn't help my "kink community" problem. How do you invest in relationships where you have to say no to so much that they do. I can't "play" with others, I can't go to places where others "play", I just get sad and jealous. And yet when I don't read or associate with others I just get lonely. :-p I feel like the square peg in the round hole - I mimic a lot of similarities, but I don't "fit" anywhere. I don't "fit" in the vanilla or kink worlds.

I am just an infertile, kinky, Christian with nowhere to call "home". :-p

(and I know this probably falls into the whiney catergory :-p)

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1 "whites/darks" Laundry Bin - 

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I paid a grand total of.... $2 and that includes free shipping!!!

PLEASE SIGN UP!!! It's so much fun to get free stuff and when you get your stuff I get stuff and it's just a neverending cycle of goodness. PLUS - when I spend FREE money I don't get spanked. So my ass would thank you for signing up. (Shh... voice of reason, I don't need to hear that if I didn't spend money I wouldn't get spanked :-p ;-))

Oh my link - http://osky.co/RJhTuU

Grrr

Fuck

Damn

Ass

Cunt

Bastard

GRRRRRRRRRRR

that is all.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

ok, that's really all now

I DID IT!! :-)

So, recently I asked My Man how he would like it if I met him at the door after work buck naked with a paddle in my mouth kneeling waiting to be fucked and spanked. He said he would like this very much. ;-)

I have been wary to try it, partially because I never know if he is going to be "in the mood" (although he has assured me if he is NOT in the mood, he will quickly BE in the mood upon arriving home to that scene.) the primary reason I had not yet tried it is because we live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my 20 year old brother. He already puts up with a lot, I didn't want him to accidentally see his sister in the nude. I didn't think it would bless him.

So, I did a few things - One was I made an error in judgement today when it comes to money - I know y'all are shocked as that seems to be my primary transgression if you just go by this blog. THANKFULLY though this one was not as blatant as some. I had money from my birthday to buy a cell phone, I had My Man's permission and blessing to use this money to buy a cell phone. But, through things that were not totally my fault* I ended up buying 2 cell phones on ebay instead of 1. Spending $300 instead of $150. And.. probably also a good thing, I was mortified about it. I literally had tears in my eyes and tried and tried to call My Man to confess what had happened. I wasn't scared of punishment - even if he had punished me for it I knew he wouldn't hurt me out of anger. But, I was so sad and scared that I had disappointed him or caused him stress or worry. After I explained what had happened he freely gave his forgiveness and said it would be okay, he needs a new cell phone anyways, so there is a good chance he can use the "extra" phone. He did have some mild corrections for how I could have handled the situation differently, but he was not upset with me and there was no punishment coming my way...unless I wanted it. Well... I was feeling so pent up and worked up that I said I did. I told him if he could please "spank me fiercely" it would help me feel better and released about the whole situation. Two, I asked him to call me when he was leaving work and then I called him and found out when he was pulling into our apartment complex. I put a big quilt on the floor, so if Brother came out of his room I could quickly cover up. I took all of my clothes off, knelt the way My Man prefers (I have a hard time kneeling the way he finds most submissive and usually he compromises, but I really wanted to be at my most submissive for him), and put a wooden spoon in my mouth. And waited...

He was very surprised, but very pleased. He gave me a very nice spanking (it definitely was pleasurable instead of punishing, but I didn't mind when all was said and done ;)) and then we had a lovely fuck. *grin*

I love My Man.

*I purchased them on Ebay. I found a phone I liked and was bidding on it. when it became more than I wanted to pay I stopped bidding. Everytime you are "outbid" a notice is emailed saying "Oh too bad, you've been outbid, but if the other person backs out you get the product!" Well, I have never had anyone back out AND there was less than 2 hours 'til the end of the auction and Ebay won't LET you back out that close to the end, Sooo... I bid on an iPhone and WON! It was $30 over my budget, but I am also getting an allowance now, so I knew My Man would be okay with it. (he very mildy rebuffed me for that, but it was more of a "teasing" reminder not a serious "You broke the rules") Well, 5 minutes after I paid for my iPhone I got a notice tell me that the other person had backed out and the product was going to be mine in 2 minutes! I wrote the seller explaining and she responded that she will not sell to people who don't have any feedback, so she had denied his bid and per Ebays rules it retracted back to my last bid, I had won, and I had to pay her. I think in this whole thing the only "bad" thing I did was that I didn't wait for My Man to come home and help me sort out what to do before I paid her. I just did some research and felt I didn't really have a case and didn't want to get bad feedback myself. Ugh. It was stressful. My Man says if it ever happens again I need to wait until the auction is completely over before bidding on anything else just on the off chance this same scenario replays.

*GROSS ALERT* *DONT READ IF YOU DONT WANNA BE GROSSED OUT* Butt Plugs are not my friend...

So, My Man and I have talked about butt plugs for a long time. We bought a 3 pack months ago (small medium and large?) and tried the small one, but it fell out when i stood up.

Since then we haven't really tried any anal play.

Yesterday, I was feeling "the brat" I just couldn't get a handle on myself, I think it part partially 'cause I am on like day 4 of my period and it always makes me feel antsy. He spanked me several times and then decided to try the medium sized butt plug. O.M.G. I was "fine" as he was loosening me up, using his fingers, putting the thinner part of the plug in and out, but when he PLUNGED it in (past my very painful hemorrhoid I might add ;-)) I screamed. Literally outloud SCREAMED! I didn't even realize it was me at first. :-p Then I started laughing, and he started laughing, so hard I had tears rolling down my face. He wouldn't believe me it hurt because I was laughing so hard. :-p :-) Once we finished out joviality he told me to try walking with it. I waddled a little, but mostly did okay. He kept barely tapping my butt 'cause everytime I would squeal.

Ok, let me back it up just a second here - BEFORE he put it in, as he was "loosening me up" I said these 4 words "I Have To Pee" He said I didn't really have to and continued going. Well, once the plug was in and I walked around a little I REALLY had to pee, so I sat down to pee... I thought "I'll just be careful the pee will come out the plug will not" The plug fell out...along with something that was NOT pee. *laugh* I spent a long time washing it with soap in very hot water. :-p

I would like to never try a buttplug again, but I get the feeling "My Man" will have different plans than I do. :-p

guilt gut + grace = goodness

we had a super long talk. i cried. i don't know why i am so careless with money.

he took my credit cards so i won't be tempted anymore.

i am grateful for such a loving man.

So many things...

So, I put $190 onto our credit card without talking to My Man about it. And, I called him right away after and "confessed", but I still feel shitty and I am trying to figure out why.

Last Oct I had my siblings for a week, we took a bunch of stuff out of the library, and it got stuck in a bin which did not resurface until April. I took everything back, but the overdue fines had racked up to $190. This then went to a collections agency and we have just been avoiding this particular library.

Today I am stuck out of the house because of a myriad of circumstances My Man is working at a different location than normal for work and because we had a meeting this morning I had to come with him today. I technically could drive home and come back out and get him, but it was be a mega hassle. So, I was just gonna lay low. problem, my iPod which I use for reading, music, games, everything to keep me busy 'til he gets off of work did not get charged last night, he has the wall charger, and it's not something I can just go get from him.

I decided to go to the library and use the computers to charge it - catch I can't use the computer 'til I pay off the fines. I found out that we could put it on a credit card instead of paying cash for it. I also know that the collections agency keeps sending us "reminders", so I just bit the bullet and put it on the card.

I guess the right response would have been to call him and ask him if that seemed like the best course... and I can accept that I could have done that. But, I also am struggling because outside of the D/s relationship could I have just made this decision for myself? If we did not already have established protocol about me not using the credit card without permission would it have been appropriate for me to make this call on my own. I just don't know.

I feel like I am an adult and a partner in this marriage, so I should be able to. But, I also feel like he makes the money, so he should have the main say in how we spend it?

I don't know... I think I just have guilt gut. He said he is not angry with me, but we do need to have a serious conversation about it.

I think I am also stressed because our meeting with our pastor this morning was difficult for me. He has some serious concerns about our lifestyle choices and maybe it's laziness or pride, but I just don't feel like explaining and defending everything. I want us to be able to say "this is the choice we have made for our marriage" period. that's the end of it. *sigh* He was very gracious and listened a lot, but he wants to talk more and... I dunno. I am tired. :-p

stress...

makes me badder.

growing up my parents spanked until i was 14 and grounded after that.

i never experienced time out.

i had a 15 minute time out tonight and i would like to never repeat it again.

of course this was after the excrutiating undeserved welting on my back. (apparently squirming and kicking during a spanking distracts and your back gets hit instead harder than intended and it hurts.) i say totally undeserved... that might be a slight understatement. ;)

this blog posting is totally true, but also said completely tongue in cheek. i do not intend to be taken seriously. :)

Comments

I told Mrs. Soft Bottom today that I always respond to people who leave comments. APPARENTLY I am delusional because when I just went back to confirm this I saw that I haven't replied to most of the comments people have left - SORRY! I guess I am replying in my head :-p I am sorry to anyone who has been kind enough to leave a comment and I did not reply. I have greatly appreciated each one and I don't know why I didn't actually reply. :-p

I will endeavor to be better in the future.

And My Man said lately my blog has seemed as if I am stating things in such a way that people can either agree with me or not reply. And I am sorry for that as well.

I want to respectful honest discussion - I don't intend to be "Agree with me or hit the road"

I am sorry.

For your reading pleasure here is something I wrote for our pastor recently to try to explain my views on submission criticism and critique is welcome. :)

He had asked us to reccomend some resources on why we view submission the way we do. I think he meant in terms of DD and D/s. (I hopefully changed everytime I use My Man's name to My Man :))

I wrote"

Heh heh, kinda depends on how we look at it Biblically or as a lifestyle. :-) 

I think Biblically like "what does God require of husbands and wives" we pretty much agree with most of the books articles and resources reccomended by "the church" :-) 

As far as some of the more "lifestyle" questions there are definitely resources we have gotten advice and input from, but it's hard because even the Biblically backed resources we don't have any one author/book/article we agree with fully. Although that might be true for men like Piper, Driscoll, Tripp too. We have eclectic beliefs at times and are still figuring out what works for us as individuals, a couple, children of God. :-)

Biblically I believe that my command to submit and My Man's command to love are equal. Like, that The Bible calls for everything I do as My Man's wife to be out of my respect and love for him, that he does have limited authority in my life, and that while overall we make all decisions as a couple he does have a special call to have the final say on decisions for our family. At the same time I believe he is called to do everything he does as my husband out of love and honor to me. He has a unique call to lay down his life for me, when he married me he took that promise/duty to care lead and protect me. I do not believe that husbands answer for their wives sins or that God in any way holds My Man responsible for my autonomous decisions, however I do believe that part of Gods call on husbands to love their wives is to lead them. Not be a dictator or harsh or selfish in any way, but to stand strong on what they believe God calls their family to. And part of protecting and leading is challenging their wives toward Godliness and good choices. *laugh* I am not explaining this very well. Like i DO believe that God holds My Man accountable for how he leads me, not how I submit. :-)

I think My Man has the much harder job in our marriage, husbands have the harder job in general, but specifically in our case because of the extra levels of authority I am granting to My Man and he is taking on.

Because God calls husbands to love their wives like Christ loves the church and because they are to follow His example in laying down their lives AND are called to lead and guide and direct I believe there is a constant temptation and pull towards selfishness. Wives have to submit even if their husband is being selfish, so I can see the really hard times My Man has to make sure anytime he issues a request that he is always checking his heart to see if he wants that out of selfishness or of its a God given desire or something it ultimately help me. 

I am constantly amazed at the grace God has given My Man to be able to navigate the waters between abdication and abuse. He sees my submission as a gift I give to him not a right he has. While I feel like I need to see it as both. It is a gift I gave to him on our wedding day ( and try to continue to give to him) but it is also a command I have from God. I suck at it, I am very strong willed, very independent, and very used to making decisions on my own without considering how they effect anyone else. I am selfish and fly by my emotions, and can be very hard to live with let alone lead. :-p  but I am so grateful that God gave me My Man who is equally patient and tender while at the same time is learning not to let me manipulate him or just take my desires and run with them.

Wow, I wrote a book so sorry! I think I express myself better in writing than I do in person and this is a topic I so want to be clear on."

By Orders of My Strong Amazing HubbyDom ;-)

So, My Man came home tonight and fulfilled my wildest dreams for the night. :D

And afterwards he said "I better see on your blog tonight about your amazing Dom." So... here it is :D

He came home and told me I was in trouble. I expected spankings, so I was like "Yay!" He asked me to come over and sit on his lap by the computer and showed me some comments I made today on FetLife that were "disrespectful". I put them in quotations not because his viewing them as disrespect is invalid, but more that when I made them I didn't intend them to disrespect him. (He described me at his submissive wife, and I replied "HA! Me? Submissive??") He explained that when he makes a statement about me it's disrespect to contradict him like that, especially in a public forum where all of our kinky friends can see. He changed my status to basically say "His Young Lady is grounded from Fetlife for the next day. Thanks - her Dom" and then changed my password, so I cannot get on there until after he gets home from work tomorrow.

Then he took me back to our bedroom and had me strip. He made me lie diagonal across our king size bed and bound my wrists to one corner and put gaff tape around my ankles, and then basically say on my feet the whole time. He started with his hand "warming me up" *I am near my period or ovulation or something because the past week I have been SUPER tender, so where I normally laugh until there are bruises these days he taps me and I am like OW OW OW*, then proceeded to use a belt from my calves up to my shoulders. He did a really good job of talking to me throughout and not making me feel alone. Then he used our "new toy" we picked it up for a dollar at the craft store. We call it our "glow in the dark flogger", but it's technical term is "Glowstick Spray Wand" 

It was aaaaaaaawesome!! He had to hold it a certain way, so there were individual pieces hitting instead of a solid "thump", but he did it perfectly and it hurt, but didn't make me feel like I was going to die. (because he didn't do it too hard :))

There are no pics of my back/legs/butt because after spanking me we had amazing sex and then he buzzed me and gave me an immediate and pretty intense orgasm. I cried from the orgasm. :D Then he used the glowstick flogger to hit my nipples and pussy. It felt SO good!! Then I got to fuck him and give him a great orgasm. It was wonderful and amazing and makes me feel super subby and wanting to be super good. YAY!! :D

UPDATED 9:15pm - There are marks now. Maybe I am a pain slutt... or just have zero self control. I liked it though... does that make me a pain slut?

Last Night

Dinner last night went so so well!! It was SUCH a relief to be able to sit and talk with someone and not have to feel like I have to hide my thoughts, emotions, what we are going through, and even more to get advice from someone who has walked a similar path in many ways. It was great, we talked for like 5.5 hours and I had a blast! :)

She basically looked me in the eyes and told me I am brat and self-centered. :-p Normally that would really offend me, but for some reason it didn't. Probably because A: I know it's true and B: I didn't feel like she was saying it in a "You are a horrible person" way, but more like "Ok, now that you know this what are you going to do about it?" :)

She gave me some really great feedback and some good ideas and motivations.

Yay!! :)

I have been bratty in a non-depressed way all day and My Man SAYS he is going to cover me in stripes... I have my doubts, but we shall see. Maybe I can convince him to take pictures. ;-)

SOOO EXCITED!!!!

I am eating dinner tonight with a lady we met when we went to the club so many weeks ago. She and her husband have been married and "in the scene" for quite sometime, so she offered to get together tonight and talk/listen. I am so excited!!!!

My Man wants me to clean before I go... I am sooooo not in the mood, but it could happen... ;-)

Funny story -

A few days ago I knelt down beside him and put my head on his knee "Hubby, are you my sugar daddy?", "Umm... what is cheaper than sugar?", "Ramen?", "Ok, yeah, I'll be your ramen daddy"
*laugh* I guess times are tough. ;-)

I wish I knew a way to get more comments on this blog - if it didn't show me how "views" each entry had I would think no one ever reads and I am talking to myself! I guess I need to be more interesting? :-p

Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY! :)

My Man took me to the zoo today - SO FUN!!!

We got to ride the metro, which is a rare treat as he greatly prefers driving to metroing. :)

My Man was very upbeat and peppy all day while I was kinda "blaaah". I don't know what has been wrong with me recently - I cannot tell if it is PMS or something else, but I have been sooooo down and depressed. Even going with him and doing something special and being out in the sunshine I just felt "down". We did have a good time though - we saw almost everything there was to see.

Highlight of the trip for me was getting spanked. *grin* We stepped off onto a path where no one else was in the trees, he made me lift up my shorts, so he could get to my thigh and he had "just happened" to bring a new little implement. I felt very loved... *grin*

After that we went out to dinner at a place we had never been before- we split steak and rice and chicken and fries, and then we got my first ever frozen strawberry margarita!! It was so fun!! :)

I love being married to a man who loves me even when I am grumpy and gloomy. He is my fave and I cannot imagine being married to anyone else being nearly as amazing!! :)

Why "My Man"?

When I started reading blogs in this arena a few months ago I noticed that lot of people did the M/s D/s thing where the top was Capital and the bottom was lowercase. Or when speaking about the Dominate it was always "He/Him". I didn't feel right not capitalizing myself (like my I's) and I only use capital H for God. (Like if it's at the beginning of a sentence He is capitalized, but if it's like "I went to the store for His burritoes." unless He is God, it's a small h. :)) But. I wanted a respectful way of honoring my husband in these blog posts, I also wanted an anonymous thing going on. As much as I'd like to share my deepest darkest kink with the whole world and *I* am not ashamed there are people in my life who could/would google this stuff and it would be a mess. :)

So, My Man seemed like a good way to do it.

Funny side story - in other areas of my life I have started writing "My Man" as well when referring to my husband, and Sissy noticed this and was teasing me. She said she is going to start calling him "My Man" and I said she cannot because he is MY man not hers... so we decided on Her Man which led to Herman and some very funny Magic School Bus quotes... (Did anyone watch Magic School bus when they had the frogs "Bella" "Heeeeeerman" "Bella!" "Heeeeeeerman" :))

Pics!

My Man said since I have my pics up on Fetlife it's ok to put some here :)

(and the purpose of a safe word)

(I originally was going to do these 2 posts as one, but decided for clarity sake I will do them as 2 separate postings.)

What is the purpose of a safe word?

I think of a safe word as being something you use when you feel like you are in legitimate danger. Either physically, mentally, or emotionally you feel you have reached your cut off and you need things to stop right now. For us we have red and yellow, yellow is the one I would strive for because that still leaves the power in My Man's hands, but it is letting him know I don't feel I can go on much longer.

Recently though I am running into a problem - what do I do what it's not danger it's discomfort or dislike? When it's "I REALLY don't want to do this thing" "I am REALLY not in the mood" "This is not AT ALL something on my radar for enjoyable or fun" We have words and phrases, I am always allowed to say "TIME OUT - here is what I am thinking", but the problem we are running into is when he wants to do it anyways. Whether it's spank me, touch me, hold me, have sex (havent had this one yet, but it's coming) does being a sub mean I just let him do stuff I don't want to do? Does it mean giving up my personal autonomy? He says it is trusting that he will never do anything he thinks is not ultimately for my good. And ultimately for my good might mean he wants pleasure right now and he knows that in my heart of hearts I gain confidence and joy from serving him, so he is going to force me to pleasure him or be near him or whatever.

An example of how this came up recently - we were at the mall, i was super depressed antsy having a REALLY hard time. He kept wanting to hold my hand, to touch me, and to be near me. I was FREAKING OUT everytime he would physically touch me - the more I pulled away the harder he pulled me towards him. No matter what I said or how many times I expressed "I CANT TAKE THIS" he wouldn't stop.... finally I snapped "RED, is that whatyou want???" at him... and he immediately dropped my hand and stepped 3 feet away. I felt guilty and sad...but also immense relief. We talked about it after and he apologized that he didn't let me know enough that he was hearing me and aware, but he still thinks the right response on my end would be to say "I really feel like I can't handle you touching me right now, but I will submit." I feel like that is a lie 'cause there was no way in hell I was letting him touch me right then.

Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?? We are SO new to this - I am definitely a "submissive", but I am not a very submissive person?? Like... I NEED to be dominated, I need people to tell me what to do, but I also have a very thigh independant streak that I also feel an overwhelming need to have some control. HELP! :-p

He took my collar :( :( :(

So, recently we have been reading a lot of fictional BDSM books, and it has been exciting both of us. It has also tempted both of us towards discontent at times, but I think overall it is more spurring us towards being better in our individual roles.

Yesterday My Man decided that he was going to be intentional, firm, and consistent. I have been SUPER depressed recently, which usually leads to a very short fuse for my temper and actions. This has led to a lot more "impromptu" spankings the past couple of days. :-p

Last night there were a number of little things (delays in obeying, outright telling him "I am not gonna do that.", etc) which culminated with My Man telling me something in bed and my "blowing raspberries". This was one of the first rules he set when we started this journey more intentionally 2 months ago. So I knew I was getting spanked, My Man knew I was getting spanked, but gosh darn it - it HURT! So I couldn't stop moving. So he put my left arm in a cuff that he has chained under our bed (we have 2 boards under our bed with 4 cuffs at the 4 corners) and spanked my thigh. HARD! We were both in good moods though, and I was teasing him calling him "my little dommie" (because he calls me his little subbie every day :)), it was all in good fun. Until he said something about "When your Dom speaks" and it reminded me that I have been wanting to have a conversation about what being a Dom really is, and how you have to earn respect etc etc. So, I said "Well, you're not a real Dom. You're like a Dom in training." *I* promise up and down and in and out I intended it like a conversation starter - TOTALLY SWEAR IT! He didn't take it that way. :-p He took it like me saying "Well.. you're not a REAL Dom" and "disrespecting his authorUHTAY" ;-) He decided he needed to "prove me wrong" and he was going to use our cane/switch on me 5 times. I told him no way no how, I was not getting spanked for trying to have a conversation. (Even though looking back now I can see how my timing was completely off and I see why he took it the way he did. I still don't think I intended it in a disrespectful manner.) I ended up using our safe word and saying "I will not accept this."

Well, that's where it gets tricky... he immediately took off the cuff, tossed the ane to the other side of the room, and tried to take off my collar. (except for sleeping and showering I wear it all the time) I freaked out. I couldn't understand why he would do that. We tried and tried to talk, but we weren't getting anywhere and I had already taken my sleeping meds (AND not gotten enough sleep), so it ended up with me giving him my collar and us both sleeping. Basically our conversation consisted of me saying "You don't just get to decide you are a Dom and therefore get all of the respect and benefits of being a Dom. And I am not going to let you hit me just because you decide it is right." And he kept saying that if I didn't trust him enough to accept his decisions to punish me and how much or how little I needed then he couldn't be my Dom.

This morning I knelt before him, I asked him what my orders for the day were, and he said "nothing. until you accept me as your Dom and respect me as your Dom I am not." It broke my heart. I got tears in my eyes and tried to express what I was thinking and feeling. I ended up saying that after sleeping on it I can see how and why he "took offense" at what I said (and my timing :)), that I WANT to be his subby, I WANT him to be my Dom, I NEED to wear his collar in order to feel safe, and I think we are both learning and growing. And if we have to "fake it 'til we make it" I want us to keep trying. (one of my biggest problems is when I think he is being fake - when anyone is being fake - if he is just bossing me around because he read it in a book or he thinks he should then I laugh in his face and cannot receive it.) That I know we both need time to get into these roles it is not going to happen overnight, and while he might not be a Dom at his very core I accept and want him as MY Dom. He accepted this, he even said he will consider my request that we not use pain in situations where I didn't directly break a rule or be defiant. (Like, if he is being "Dommy" and I can tell he is being fake and I laugh, I know that is disrespectful, but I can't help it - it's not me saying "You idiot!" it's just my reflex to the situation.) That maybe he makes me stand in a corner or write lines or something. It's really really hard for me to accept spankings I don't think I earned. He said he will consider it. :-)

Then, he put my collar back on and gave me an order. An order he has never given me before. I am not allowed to wear clothes today...extra kinky because my brother lives here and is at work, so I am supposed to lock the door incase brother comes home and stay naked until My Man comes home.

Sorry...

Sorry to disappear - there are several reasons. Not the least of which is I've been gone most days and when I am home My Man is usually here. :)

Secondarily is that my computer is a butt and it has a hard time remembering when I want to be anonymous and when I want to use my IRL account. :-p (I figured out how to have both account ups if I open "incognito", but then it won't save any passwords or anything on the one that is incognito. :-p)

So... my life over the past week or so...

1. Lots of job interviews. It's funny going to nanny interviews and wondering if the parents are kinky. My Man keeps teasing me that if I get a job and and am cleaning or something I am going to come across a "secret room". :-) I am just worried about what collar to wear that day, so they won't suspect. :-p I actually have worn a chain to both and I don't think anyone thought twice.

2. Lots of erotica. Oh. My. Goodness!! I think it is a blessing I was not introduced to this world before - or maybe it didn't exist as much before? E.L. James (50 Shades) started me down a deep dark path. Kristen Ashley (Knight, Rock Chick series), Sherri Hayes (Finding Anna Series (Slave and Need) (although Slave isn't so much erotica as it is sad and at the same time captivating... I think the sex will come later :)), Sylvia Day (Baring to You), and most recently Cherise Sinclair (Master of the Shadowlands series) Sweet Lord Jesus! :) I had my first orgasm in MONTHS last night!!! (after My Man gave me intense sex, spanking etc, and then patiently used our wonderful Hitachi Magic Wand :D), and we are still trying to figure out how we feel about this word porn. ;-) We found out some things though (won't surprise anyone here or really anyone who has known me more than 5 minutes) - I don't love erotica that doesn't have spanking... I can enjoy it - the Rock Chick girls is hot and fun, but I think it's mostly because they have strong alpha males, but it's not as "OMG THAT IS HOT" as spanking....and flogging and tying up and... I am hopeless. :D :D :D Anyone have any more reccomendations? After I finish the shadowlands series I am going to read The Reluctant Dom?

3. Lots of spankings - the good kind! I don't know if My Man is just getting better or what, but this week has been almost perfect. I have just needed some spanking/caning/whatever and I am burning hot (my bottom and my sex :D), no bruises, no marks the next day... maybe it's the erotica is making me sensitive. :D

That has been my life lately - how are you? :)

PS. I just remembered - we bought hot fudge last night - I am going to see how far I can get My Man with my mouth. :D I always end up gagging and if we push it I throw up. Everytime. (Not everytime I suck My Man's cock, but everytime we don't stop right when I start to feel "chokey.) And it's not usually the depth it's the taste- when I can taste his precum I gag and can't handle it. Bodily fluids are REALLY hard for me - like semen took me a VERY VERY VERY long time to not feel the need to shower the second he came.

I am not sure if the question is...

what are we doing WRONG or what are we doing RIGHT? :-p

So I had those four "juicy" bruises the day after... they just deepened and got worse and worse (and multiplied) until My Man didn't even wanna pat my thighs let alone spank them... this has made for some interesting times the last few days. *halo* I would definitely say I am more "brat" than "legit" these days. :)

I think I am an addict - if a day goes by and I haven't been spanked in it I feel empty and let down. :-p

I think we killed all of the nerves in my butt - it just doesnt feel a lot anymore. :-p

I wish I could do something amazing for My Man to let him know how grateful I am he is taking all of this one! Something that does not involved cleaning.

Oh, So, My Man finished the collaring book and I am reading it now. I dunno what I think yet.