Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The winds of change...

I don't really have a lot of brain power for updating right now, so this is going to read a bit like a report.

Yesterday was my last day as an after school babysitter. I cried to see the girls go, but there is a nice feeling to know I will be home now.

Money is going to be even tighter than it has been with me not bringing in any income, but my hope is that staying home will mean eating in an less temptations to spend money. (I have spent 20 dollars on clothes for me in the past week, but My Man said both were okay when I asked him after the fact. :) One is a cool dress, one summer dress, a pair of hot pink capris, and a vest I am hoping to pair with stuff for a cool costume look)

Since I am going to be home full time he says "the time has come".... *sigh* He say he is going to start disciplining me for not doing stuff around the house. It totally makes sense, it's been a long time coming, I am not trying to "not consent", but.... I am also getting panicky. Panicky that my idea of "enough" won't be his idea of enough. Or that if we do sit down and make a chore chart that his expectations will be super high. Or... I don't even know why. I totally trust him. I know he loves me and he is not going to expect more than I can handle. I know there is no reason for me to be lazy ALL day... I should be doing stuff to clean and keep our house nicer to live in... but for some reason I keep almost crying and just feeling so overwhelmed. He is gone for the next 24 hours basically and just asked me to "get lots done" specifically the kitchen and living room. They haven't been cleaned in weeks and it's REALLY bad. I want to be good and productive. Not just for fear of punishment, but because I live here too and I really want to have a happy home. As a motivation and reward he told me to invite some friends over Friday night. But I am just... so tired. And I am sure it's laziness, but I just lose all mojo and just want to eat and sleep and not exist. :-p

Another big news is that he is interviewing for a job in Charlotte, NC (and if he doesnt get that one in other places). It's exciting, but scary. I want to move, but I don't want to leave my sister and the rest of my family.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed right now. And I can't even put my finger on why.

In fertility news I am having more regular predictable cycles, so this month we are going to have sex every other day - or at least try our darnest! I want a baby so bad and this is the last step before fertility meds. :)

Last night he spanked me REALLY HARD (for us) and I was kinda shocked. He say I have been getting sassier and legit more disrespectful and he is "nipping it in the bud"... I don't understand why when it's "his fault for letting it get this bad" I am the one who pays the piper. ;-)

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am just so sad and lethargic and scared and... I dunno. :-p


  1. Charlotte is pretty awesome. :)

    1. I've heard that!! We already starting looking into CAPEX. :) Not that we'd probably join bc My Man is a stick in the mud, but... ;-) No, he is a loving and caring man who wants to guard and protect us from doing anything that goes against The Bible, and he can't in good conscience play in public, and I have a hard time attending educational events without wanting to play. :-p :-)