I think it's hilarious....

It feels like every time we have a conversation where we are going to be less "Ds" or where I express I don't like being spanked or I don't like being dominated or whatever... I start craving it all the time, and he is happy to oblige! :-p :-)

Yesterday was a lot of fun overall, and I hope that today is even better.

ok more memes that make me laugh... there is no rhyme or reason to these, its just as i scroll if i start to laugh...

Communication is Key :-)

So, after I wrote that last post/note to My Man I was ready to "buckle down", but he wanted to give me a week to see if I really wanted that and stuff. He has lived with me long enough to know I tend to make decisions fast, so it won't hurt. I am a rip off the band-aid and deal with the after affects kinda gal.

Well... he wasn't wrong. After a few days to breathe I realized... I am not really in a place for a super Ds relationship right now... or more specifically I don't think I am in a DD place. I think that has been the huge thing scaring me and killing me a little inside. I don't want to be punished. I don't want him to be able to decide he doesn't like my tone or my choices and cause me physical pain. I doubt this will be forever. And I know that he cannot avoid protecting - and I wouldn't want him to - so, things that legitimately endanger me I know he will still take control on. Like, we had this super long conversation where we decided "in our normal lives" he wasn't going to have "the power" to punish me, and yet when I started texting and driving yesterday I knew without a shade of doubt if I didn't put it away that second I'd be over his knee. And... I don't think I would change that aspect. :) Things like eating enough food, not having access to razor blades, not spending hours a day reading child abuse stories on the internet - these are things I need help with. I need protecting. And I don't want to give up having him protect me and help me. I just don't want to be afraid he is going to punish me for yelling at him or not doing "enough" chores or saying something rude in public. I want him to treat me like his partner, and sometimes that means saying "That was rude. That was hurtful. You promised to do this thing, and you broke your promise", and I as an adult and his partner can respond to those things "I am sorry. You are right. I will do better."

I feel a little bit like I am failing or being a loser or a wuss. But, I am also realizing that what turns me on when I READ about it and what turns me on when it is happening to me are two very different things... and that is okay. :)

One of the things we did decide to do is high protocol days. Days where we have already negotiated that I am surrendering to him and he holds the power and reins that day. Where I wear a "big collar" and obey him or face the consequences. I think if we make it more of a game I will get back some of that excitement and spice and joy in submission. :) I do enjoy being a "good little subbie" I just enjoy being his wife most of the time I think. :-)

Alright, now comes the "funny irony"... so we have this super long in depth conversation. I feel relieved and excited to see where things are going to go. And then, I go out to lunch and to hang out with this awesome new friend I am making. We will call her Raven because for some reason that's the name I see when I think of her. :) So, Raven knows a lot more about BDSM type stuff than I do. She actually LIKES being flogged etc. She likes "Crazy hot rough money sex" and loves cock. Who'd have thunk? ;-) (I know I know, we had this conversation last summer, there are MANY ladies out there apparently who love penises ;-)) She is my first IRL friend who is "in the scene" she is the first person I could potentially have a friendship with who I can talk super freely about this stuff and not only does she not judge - she gets it. I mean not everything because we are different people. (She cannot fathom that I don't love sex ;-)) So we have these great conversations and what happens? ALL FREAKING NIGHT, I dream. I dream about being spanked. I dream about being dominated. I wake up with my panties soaking wet (from sweat and other things...not pee ;-) ;-)) and CRAVING a spanking. WTF, Young Lady? WTF?? ;-) I probably had 3 seperate dreams last night with all of this craziness.

I am hopeless. ;-)




^
^
^ Ain't that the truth??

This next one made me laugh outloud - lol

Scary Stuff

To My Man

"Based on our recent conversations, and because I think it has turned into a fear thing for me, I want to have a trial "recollared" period. I would like, if you are willing, to be pretty serious for 2 weeks. I want you to show me what you think being in a Ds relationship would/should look like in the "most extreme" for us. I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me. I want you to lead, guide, direct how things go. And I will follow.

I know that I have withdrawn my trust and faith in you as a husband and Dom, so I'd like to try to give it back, try to put the reins in your hands, and see what it really looks like. My temptation is to want you to not really do much of anything and ease me back in so that I just comfortable and safe. But, I feel like I need you to show me what you really mean when you say you want this lifestyle. In my fear this means you are mean and harsh and selfish and all that other stuff, but I really do believe that your heart for me is love. That you don't desire this relationship so that you can be king and have a slave that waits on you and accepts your abuse. So instead of giving you a lot of qualifiers I am just going to say for the next 2 weeks it's in your court. Prove me wrong. ;-) With no qualifiers or limits because I want to REALLY trust you, and I can't trust you if I am calling all the shots.

I love you."

What do I WANT?

We keep going in circles on this whole thing because I cannot figure out what I want. I feel so twisted in to knots so much of the time.

Someone asked me today what to do about feeling like a doormat? And I don't know. I decided to post here what I said to her to see if it helps me at all or if anyone reading this has any insights.

I *want* to be in a relationship where he takes charge because he loves me and he wants to protect me, but I *need* to be in a relationship where we are 100% equal and I am not afraid of losing my voice. The Part I put ** *** around is what I think is really key here. It's not fair to say "It only turns me on if it doesn't turn you on"...and I don't think that is actually my thinking or motivation. It's not that I DONT want him turned on it's that I get scared that I am feeding the ego of a man? I don't want to encourage "I am man therefore I am in charge/control I AM BOSS!" I dunno... My head hurts from trying to figure it out.

Anyways, here is what I said to her

"I grew up surrounded by, and even to some extent my own home was, very patriarchal "men are over women, fathers and husbands are the boss and can do no wrong, girls are here to cook, clean, and populate the earth" :) I was 100% certain that I was going to be a raging feminist! Just because I have a vagina doesn't make me any less of a person!! ROAR! ;-)

But, then I started to have doubts because... as much as I thought forcing women into subservient roles to men was abhorrent.... I craved being under a man's protection. Being under a man's intentional care. I was madly turned on by the thought of being spanked or punished for wrongs.

I finally reconciled it for myself a bit last summer with "choice" I am not "under" My Man because he has a penis, but because I CHOOSE to be. I WANT to be. I am saying "I am equal to you as a human being, but in our relationship I need/want a boss" Therefore it's not something thrust upon me it's something I am choosing for myself.

MY problem comes that in the day to day life I DON'T love it? I don't enjoy him exerting control or dominance...at least not all the time. I feel like bile rise up that says "NO!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I DECIDE FOR ME!!" Even though I can consciously say "You chose this" I don't FEEL like I am choosing it. And I cannot put my finger on it. ***It's almost because I know he "gets off" on being "the boss", and because a lot of times I feel like his motivation is because it feels good to him... I can't get off on it anymore? Or I don't at certain times. If I feel like he is taking control because it makes him feel good or powerful or mighty I can't feel safe and cherished and loved. I just feel used? but, if I think he is looking at me thinking "I love this woman more than life - what would make her feel the most safe and protected" and his dominance is a wild turn on?***

I don't know if ANY of this applies to your situation AT ALL!! I know that for myself things that have helped at certain times to NOT feel like a doormat are:

1. TONS of communication. Talking and talking and talking with your husband about your fears and doubts and needs and expectations. Really feeling heard.

2. Making the conscious choice. Saying "I WANT this. I CRAVE this. I NEED this" so that when is exerting control or dominance you can tell yourself "It's not him treating me like a doormat, it's him fulfilling my sexual and personal needs. This isn't a man trodding over a woman this is MY husband showing specific love and care for HIS wife"

3. Writing out the boundaries and expectations. Posting them somewhere where you can both see them (even if it's a secret place like in your underwear drawers :))

4. Safe Words. A huge one for me is safewords. I did not have one with my father, and knowing that at any second I have the power to stop whatever is happening is huge for me. I need to know I am not actually in danger of being hurt or trod upon. I have a voice. I can say "No. Stop. Don't" and it will be immediately respected."