So, after I wrote that last post/note to My Man I was ready to "buckle down", but he wanted to give me a week to see if I really wanted that and stuff. He has lived with me long enough to know I tend to make decisions fast, so it won't hurt. I am a rip off the band-aid and deal with the after affects kinda gal.
Well... he wasn't wrong. After a few days to breathe I realized... I am not really in a place for a super Ds relationship right now... or more specifically I don't think I am in a DD place. I think that has been the huge thing scaring me and killing me a little inside. I don't want to be punished. I don't want him to be able to decide he doesn't like my tone or my choices and cause me physical pain. I doubt this will be forever. And I know that he cannot avoid protecting - and I wouldn't want him to - so, things that legitimately endanger me I know he will still take control on. Like, we had this super long conversation where we decided "in our normal lives" he wasn't going to have "the power" to punish me, and yet when I started texting and driving yesterday I knew without a shade of doubt if I didn't put it away that second I'd be over his knee. And... I don't think I would change that aspect. :) Things like eating enough food, not having access to razor blades, not spending hours a day reading child abuse stories on the internet - these are things I need help with. I need protecting. And I don't want to give up having him protect me and help me. I just don't want to be afraid he is going to punish me for yelling at him or not doing "enough" chores or saying something rude in public. I want him to treat me like his partner, and sometimes that means saying "That was rude. That was hurtful. You promised to do this thing, and you broke your promise", and I as an adult and his partner can respond to those things "I am sorry. You are right. I will do better."
I feel a little bit like I am failing or being a loser or a wuss. But, I am also realizing that what turns me on when I READ about it and what turns me on when it is happening to me are two very different things... and that is okay. :)
One of the things we did decide to do is high protocol days. Days where we have already negotiated that I am surrendering to him and he holds the power and reins that day. Where I wear a "big collar" and obey him or face the consequences. I think if we make it more of a game I will get back some of that excitement and spice and joy in submission. :) I do enjoy being a "good little subbie" I just enjoy being his wife most of the time I think. :-)
Alright, now comes the "funny irony"... so we have this super long in depth conversation. I feel relieved and excited to see where things are going to go. And then, I go out to lunch and to hang out with this awesome new friend I am making. We will call her Raven because for some reason that's the name I see when I think of her. :) So, Raven knows a lot more about BDSM type stuff than I do. She actually LIKES being flogged etc. She likes "Crazy hot rough money sex" and loves cock. Who'd have thunk? ;-) (I know I know, we had this conversation last summer, there are MANY ladies out there apparently who love penises ;-)) She is my first IRL friend who is "in the scene" she is the first person I could potentially have a friendship with who I can talk super freely about this stuff and not only does she not judge - she gets it. I mean not everything because we are different people. (She cannot fathom that I don't love sex ;-)) So we have these great conversations and what happens? ALL FREAKING NIGHT, I dream. I dream about being spanked. I dream about being dominated. I wake up with my panties soaking wet (from sweat and other things...not pee ;-) ;-)) and CRAVING a spanking. WTF, Young Lady? WTF?? ;-) I probably had 3 seperate dreams last night with all of this craziness.
I am hopeless. ;-)
^ Ain't that the truth??
This next one made me laugh outloud - lol