So, it has been a LONG time since I updated! Super sorry y'all! The last few months I just felt like I had nothing to say. We weren't doing anything remotely kinky for most of them, I haven't had anything big or new to say, and frankly... I was ashamed. Ashamed because I felt like a poser or a failure. No matter how many times other people say it, or I encourage women with the same struggles, I couldnt accept in my heart that each couples' journey is unique. That each womans submission or path there won't look identical to all the others.
When I stopped wearing a collar last year I felt a burden lift off of me, I felt free for the first time in months. And that made me so afraid and ashamed at the same time it made me feel free. I felt like a dirty woman somehow. "This thing *I* did"(TTWD) that had given me such joy and spice and excitement in my marriage was no longer joyous or spicy or exciting. And I hated that. I wanted to force myself back into that little box of what a "good submissive wife" looked like, because I felt like pre-DD I hadn't felt like I could be myself and if I wasn't a "spanked ife" or "subby wife" anymore id go back to a boring stagnant marriage and sex life. But the honest truth was I wasn't happy or fulfilled in giving up my entire control, I felt powerLESS and the more I tried to be this woman who A: looked like the relationships in "blushing books" and blogs I was reading and B: like the relationship we'd had when we started 2 years ago, the more I hated my life and myself. And I blamed him for so much of it "if he could only be the "right kind" of man and Dom and husband Id be happy! Bull Crap! He was doing his very best, he was reading me and trying to give me all id ask or desire, but because I was trying to fit a "one size fits all" mold, that id created mostly in my head, it was impossible to please me.
So I stopped. I stopped wearing a collar, I asked him to stop spanking me,.which meant I stopped bratting. For awhile I stopped reading spanking books (although never completely turned off that part of me because I can't lol) , I haven't read anyones blog in months. And I tried my very hardest to figure out how to be a strong independant woman....who is naturally someone who adores a strong leading man who cherishes and protects her. My own autonomous woman who makes her own choices...who can't go 24 hours without craving someone else exerting dominance. And as time passed and I healed a little, and decided I am not submissive and don't like being" treated like a child"...I felt empty and void. I had taken back control of my own life again (even though it had never truly been taken away from me) and I ddint feel helpless anymore, but I also didn't feel cherished or adored or pampere or free to let out my inner brat. I was back to existing, not as dead and lifeless as before DD, but not happy either.
And then a few weeks ago something happened, there is a roleplay online I've been reading for almost 2 years. Almost since the beginning of our dd/Ds journey (although if I'm really honest our whole marriage and my whole life is my "journey" right? Its not like 2 years ago was the first time id ever craved dominance or thought "wow that spanking thing sounds interesting". *laugh* ) I've been reading this roleplay regularly, almost daily. And over the last 2 years I had asked on 2 seperate occasions if he would let me join the group. And he was ADAMANTLY opposed. For several reasons, but the main 2 are it is a spanking role play and an age-play roleplay. And he did NOT want anyone else even pretending to spank me and he is so squeed out by the idea by the idea of age-play it was never even a "id prefer not" it was "hell no!" Well, they needed/were allowing a few new players and I approached him again and asked him to consider. We spent 2 days talking and discussing and he kept saying "no". And I said "yes", not a defiant "I'm in control and you can't stop me", not a feministic "I am woman and in control of my own destiny", but a simple "I believe respect is listening to your concerns, discussing with you, really trying to see and understand your heart and why you feel this way...and still making my own decision". And it was HARD! The day I decided "even though I love and respect you I am going to do this thing" he left the house SO angry, hurt, upset. He left me sobbing at the front door, didn't want to hug me or text me. It was so hard.
But then... over the next few days I found this thing that had been missing for so long-my submission. My desire to please him, and show deference to him and love on him. And then a few days after that I started to crave his dominance and rules and... somehow in standing up and saying "this is really important to me and I'm respectfully and as humbly as I can exerting my own will and preference" it gave me back the safety and security I needed to submit and surrender again. 2 days ago, or actually 3 now, I had a hard,bad day. I didn't eat, I didn't get out of bed, I just...hurt. and when he got home I ran to his arms and just hugged him and felt safe. And confessed I hadn't eaten and ge said "you need to eat" and I said with that small little brat voice "no.", and he said "if you don't I'll stripe your ass with my belt" and in that small little subby voice I said "yes" (and he literally physically jerked in shock "yes??") And he took care of me, and for the first time in a VERY VERY long time it felt GOOD! And over the last couple dys I've seen that strong sexy dominant man I love start to come back. He's started being confident with rules and exspectations. He's lighting up where I've seen him look so battle weary the last several months. Its like he stands 6 inches taller, and I feel safe.
I know I get easily excited and enthralled in new things and this isn't that "one piece" that is going to solve everything. We are going to need to work on our marriage til we die. But, DAMN does it feel good to be his subby wife again. In many ways in a really different way then before because I have more of a voice then I allowed myself in the past, I roleplay every day even though he doesn't like it (although its mostly moved out of heinous to just dumb for him now ;-)), I say "I don't agree and here is why", but I'm also way more open to rules and discipline and surrender then I've been in a super long time. I got a spanking last night that was bright red and hit to the touch for an hour after and is still tender for "real things" and I've never felt so loved and cherished. Actually that is another example I ADORE karaoke, he hates it but has been vehemently opposed to me going alone or with just one friend. Well I put together a griup, but when it turned out only my besty could make it and he said "I don't like this" and I said respectfully and humbly as I could "this is my choice" and instead of forbidding it he trusted me, and because of that when I got home and was punished for allowing my phone to die (I DID text from my friends phone when mine died and literally had zero recollection that my "one rule" was a fully charged phone) and not eating enough that day and leaving a giant mess- I felt cherished and loved and protected. By saying "I choose this thing that is important to me" it allowed me to surrender and submit in the other ways without feeling stifled or doormatty.
So that is where I am today. Id like to note that my roleplay is like playjng house for me, I get to brat and be the crazy little girl that is locked inside of me...and the Big that gets to exert dominance and be obeyed. (And be the SPANKER for once ;-)). And its a blast and its soooo fun and such a release. But its not sexual. There is no sex n this roleplay. There is nothing even bordering on sex in this roleplay. Its exciting and fun and new and different, but its not sexual. At least not in the "I wanna jump your bones" kinda way. And the roleplay itself has zero sex, weird touching, anything like that. Its being a little kid, being spanked, and being loved. And in the Big side its being the dommy one for once. Its seeing how to best create a safe enviroment for that other person to let our their brat...and get to beat on them for it. *laugh*
I know this was long, it took me over an hour to type. But it feels really good toget it all iut there. :-)