This post is going to be hard for me to write because so much of me is screaming "Idiot!! Of course you're WRONG WRONG WRONG!! Don't even talk about it because you're SO WRONG!" And yet there is a part of me that won't stop saying "But.. what if you're not wrong..."
So, we got married almost 5 years ago, started courting almost 6 years ago. I grew up believing "One Man - One Woman = God's only plan for sex/marriage/physical AND emotional intimacy", if you thought about a guy as "cute" or "sexy" is was basically cheating on your future husband, or almost worse lusting after someone else's husband. As I got into my 20's I started to think "Well, I can't actually find strong Biblical grounds against polygamy, and it could be fun to have sister wives". It was something My Man and I joked about a lot throughout our courtship and early marriage. But he would always tease back that I wouldn't be satisfied to just let HIM have sex with her, I'd want to be involved. So the idea grew in my mind that maybe "commited polyamory" was okay... So a couple years ago we get into "the scene" and I start seeing more and more people who are SEXUALLY monogamous, but play with lots of other people. Some of them both genders, some of them only the opposite gender of their spouse, varying degrees and levels, but it seems a fairly common thread that while only "playing" with your spouse happens it's rare. And I start to read a lot of erotica and really open myself up to the idea that spankings are just part of my hardwiring. And that it's okay to be excited and "turned on" by the topic, especially because it makes running into My Man's arms and bed that much more fun and exciting.
But now we are at an impasse. I want more. I want to play with other people. Not anything "sexual", no kissing, no fondling, no weird touching, not even unclothed necessarily. Just spankings and lectures and that "naughty little subby stuff". I want to receive, but I can see why My Man is against it. I don't agree with him, I think we can have fun with this without compromising our "marriage bed", but he wants my receiving spankings to only come from him. And I can accept that. Not like it, but accept it. But, then we get into the GIVING angle. Recently I have started thinking about GIVING spankings. Giving that excitement and pleasure to others. Getting to top for women and have them submit and surrender to me. Lecturing them. Taking them in hand. Making them feel like naughty little girls who need chastisement. What a THRILL that would be. I don't even want it all the time, I'd be willing to put so many limits and caveats on it, but My Man is utterly opposed to it. And this one I just DONT understand. He would even be willing to let me spank him and try to dominate him. (and that is a HUGE step for him, he is not a subby AT ALL, especially not to me) But I just don't think it would work. How could I dominate the one who consistently dominates me? How could I spank someone who isn't getting any pleasure out of it? How could I top the one who tops me in every way... it just wouldn't work. And because it is not something that is in anyway part of our relationship I feel like it's not taking anything away from him.
But he does. and that is where it's hard and confusing. In the past I'd have 100% said that if your spouse/partner/SO is not okay with something it's a lack of love to try to push them towards allowing something that they are not comfortable with. And that it's selfish and wrong to ask them to share you with others... and a part of my heart still believes that. But the other part of my heart is like "But... isn't it selfish of him to hold me back?" I am so torn up and flipped around inside. The "good Christian girl" inside of me is like "Love means doing what is best for the other person 24/7", "You can never take back pieces of yourself, and the more you give away the less you have that is sacred", "There is no shame in erring on the side of caution and it will keep you from sin". But I feel like if we had "erred on the side of caution" we'd have never started this journey. We'd be doing missionary, reading only our Bibles, and never owning a tv or radio or anything "non-holy". And that sounds flippant, but it's really how I view the world. Either we are living every second concerned with "is this holy" or we live our lives saying "I will do my best to glorify and reflect Christ in my life and through what I do"... I don't know what to think anymore..
I guess at this point bottom line what it comes down to is that My Man is the one who I am married to. He is the one who I love more than anyone or anything else in this life. And part of love is sacrificing my own desires and needs and wants to fulfill HIS desires, needs, and wants. Even when it's hard or hurts or feels unfair. But, even in that I wonder where the lines are. In his perfect world I wouldn't roleplay, i wouldn't brat with anyone except him, i wouldn't flirt in any way (basically the bratting) with anyone except him, I wouldn't go anywhere "sketchy" without him (bars, bad parts of town, kinky people's houses, kink events, etc)... but the bratting is just part of who I am. As long as I can remember I have been saucy and sassy and lived for the thrill of getting people to scold me. WAY before I knew I was :"into" "this stuff" I was playing school and making the teacher smack me with a ruler or make me write lines. As soon as I discovered IM and chat rooms I was looking for big brothers and big sisters to tell me to go to bed, eat food, do my chores, etc etc etc. It's just part of who I am. I am a naturally flirty bratty little girl, and I feel like his perfect world for my inner brat is at a 0, where I just don't relate to anyone except him that way, my perfect world is at a 7 or 8 where he gets the 10, he gets all of my, but I share most of the brat with others (and sexually he would get 10 and others would get 2), and we "compromise" at a 3 where I sneak up to a 5, but neither of us are really happy.
I dunno. I am on my period and we all know that makes things 1,000,000% harder for EVERYONE, but especially for me. I am such a hormonal bitch when I am bleeding. :p