My Version of The Evening...

(I finally convinced My Man to write on here - WOOT!! I wouldn't be it's gonna be common, but at least he is doing it!! I can't to see what he has to say :-))

BEWARE: Long, Wordy, and Boring - I am sure My Man's entry will be more concise and interesting :)

Soo.... today pretty much SUCKED!!! I was really out of it for a lot of the day, and then I made My Man some lunch and woke him up. (He had to work the 6am shift and took a nap right when he got home) After waking him up we started wrestling and stuff... ( and he spanked me for the negative post on here and made me say I was beautiful over and over) it was ok. He really wanted sex, I wasn't feeling it, but I felt like we hadn't had sex in forever, and I missed him so I went along with it. :) We played FOREVER before he finally stuck himself inside me... and it felt really good and it was obvious he was gonna finish in record time and then HE PULLED OUT!!! And he started playing with my clit and inside. He said he didn't wanna finish too fast, so I pulled a "Young Lady" and played dead. He smacked my boob, inadvertently hitting my nipple so hard I got tears and well...it pretty much ruined it. We were able to finish eventually, but we were both pretty pissed.

We stayed pissed through dinner and driving and... the rest of the evening. After dinner we came home and I said I wanted to stay in the car for a bit and he said he wanted to stay with me, but wouldn't bother me. So then I said "Well, I'll go inside" he laughed and said "Sure!" and I left.

I felt betrayed or uncared for because I had been telling him all night I wanna cut. And he still let me just leave. I did have a moment of "He trusts you to tell him if you are gonna hurt yourself", but I pushed it away. I came inside and scraped my arm with a brush several times til it was nice and red and then started doing the dishes. I called My Man to tell him he could come inside now and then he asked if I was good and I basically said "There wont be marks tomorrow."

He came in and lectured but was basically just sad. I want him to get mad sometimes! I want him to react. I want him to be horrified that I would mar his possession. After fighting him a lot he got up to go get cuffs, I got a mechanical pencil and dug it into my arm as hard as i could and scraped 3.5 lines into my arm before he got back. It didn't bleed, but did break the skin? I just wanted to feel like I won. I wanted to prove to me and him that he can't actually stop me or protect me. I dunno what I wanted.

But it led to a super long talk and a lot of various things coming out. And I cannot for the life of me figure out how this happened, but he ended up getting his hands on his long switch and smacking my butt whenever I said stuff he didn't like. :-p My butt has more stripes and marks on it right now then it has in our whole relationship. But... it feels loved too. :)

Eventually it came out on both sides that we felt like maybe we should go back to him being more in charge and me being more "subbie". I fight against it because I hate what "dominant and submissive" brings to my mind, but he said that's basically what I want and we don't have to call it that, but he is hesitant to just say husband and wife lest he give the impression he thinks all husbands can beat the shit outta their wives. ;-)

So... I don't really know what this will mean except that he is gonna try harder to give me rules and take charge and i am gonna try harder to submit and ACTUALLY submit not just try to get a rise out of him? He says he wants to try to do a "scene a week" which I am not excited about because I don't really like that stuff, but it DID turn me on at times at the start of the summer and I don't have any answers, so I am willing to try. Part of me feels like if I don't have the control then maybe I can let go and really experience sexual pleasure. Who knows??

I am not sure what he is writing, so this may have nothing to do with what he is sharing. :) But, I can't post this until he posts his, so I'll just keep talking...

I am sticking to my diet. We tried to go to the gym and it's closed. :( We forgot they close on Sunday nights. Oh well, I guess we'll go tomorrow? Speaking of tomorrow I am having a Christmas Party for the girls I nanny - cookies, milkshakes, decorations, Christmas carols, we are gonna play games, and they are gonna play Mario Party and Raving Rabbids on the Wii for the first time. :) My Man will be home to help control the chaos. I am really interested to see A: If they behave better at my house, B: If they behave better when My Man is around (they all adore him :P), and C: If I am more in control when he is watching... we'll see!! :)

Alright well he is done, so I am gonna go read!! :)