Last night My Man and I had a(n insanely) long conversation and throughout the conversation he kept saying he wants "respect" from me. I kept telling him ways I show him respect (thanking him for being such a hard worker and provider, speaking highly of his care for me in public, etc), but he kept saying "I love that, but you don't respect me." He kept saying "Respect means "yes sir" when I say something." Which... I do. So, I don't get it.
What does respect mean to you?? In terms of your relationship with your husband/top/dom/whatever? In general?
It was definitely easy to walk away from our conversation feeling like "respect" means "do whatever i tell you to do except in those strictly defined situations where you are trying to get spanked." Or even more to mean "believe things about me that are not true."Like that he is the "strongest most dominating presence I have ever met and there is no one who compares to him." I don't know... we have these conversations every few months and I get discouraged and confused each time.
It all started because the words "You're just pretending to be dominant" slipped out of my mouth, and when I say slipped it was like the words came out and before the "ant" was out I was already looking physically shocked. I didn't mean it to say he isn't an amazing husband or that I don't love and respect him, but I just abhor falseness or fakeness. And at that moment he was pulling out a persona that isn't himself and comes across very...fake. I don't know.
In other new we are starting our Christmas celebrations today. We are going to his Grandmother's about 3 hours away... I am so exhausted and worn out. I feel like I am never gonna make it. :-p
This is a hard question because it is so my a product of the situation. I can tell you that based on the situation you shared about being worn out and having to go to a family event that respect for my husband in that situation a wife who wasput together he best she can and pleasant to him and others regardless of how worn out she was. I would show him respect by being polite and friendly to his family regardless of how I felt about them.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I've been trying to do, Being super loving and pleasant and respectful and kind to his family to honor them and reflect well on him. and being a terror in the car. ;-)
DeleteJust a suggestion... but the terror in the car part may be a respect breaker for him. Immagine how stressful it is on him to see you like that and worry about your reactions. Think of your calmness as a gift to offer him. You acting out int he car is not going to change their reaction to you, or how they deal with you...
DeleteI've had my fair share of inlaw stresses--- you cant change them- just how you react to them.
Terror may have been exagerating, and it's not normally something I would "lump in there", but for me it is/was kind of like "I have tpo get my stress out here, so I don't let it out in front of his family." :-p :-)
Deletei'm so sorry but I've lost you.
ReplyDeleteif he wants you to say Yes Sir, and you do... then um, i'm not sure what else he might want.
but DO you respect him? not do you SHOW it, but do you FEEL it?
I think he wants me to say it more consistently and to assume I am going to obey rather than fight him when he issues a decree or request.
DeleteAnd in many ways yes, but in some no and it shows. :(
To answer your question, for us, respect means listening, not interrupting, assuming the other person has a fair amount of intelligence - not belittling. (there is a fine line between amusing sarcasm and belittling)
ReplyDeleteAnd it's a two-way street. We're both respectful of each other, all the time - not just in public.
Sometimes, a dominant has to do a little faking before he/she gets to the place where he/she is really sure what he/she wants. Extreme version of fake it 'til you make it. Sometimes for those of us on the other side of the slash, the faking part feels insincere. It's part of our jobs to help our dominants find the sincere parts of themselves, and let them know they don't have to fake for our sakes.
I think this is sage advice. I just have to remember how you encourage a kid when they attempt things and fail utterly, so they can learn. I guess it's similar. :-p :-) PLUS... if I fake the respect then one day I might find it's grown into reality. And if I force obedience once day it might come naturally. :)
DeleteKim said:
ReplyDeleteI'm currently doing a Biblical word study on RESPECT myself. That's probably how I stumbled across your post on the subject. I have not completed my research because the subject of Respect is pretty comprehensive. This is what I have learned so far.
The Greek word for respect listed in Ep 5:33 is PHOBOS (Strong's # 5399). The definition of Phobos is panic flight, fear, the causing of fear, terror. The word Phobia is a derivative of the the Greek word Phobos. That was a pretty powerful revelation for me. Why would Paul advise wives to Phobos their husbands? The NASB Translation lists these synonyms for Phobos: cause of fear, fear, fearful, fears, intimidation, respect, respectful, reverence, sense of awe. We see some of these synonyms repeated over and over: fear and respect or reverence. Fear along with respect or reverence equates Reverent Fear. Reverent Fear is most likely the type of respect that Paul was admonishing wives to have for their husbands. Scripture references for reverent fear: 1 Pe 3:1-2, Ep 5:21, Phil 2:12, Col 3:22. Long story short, just from reading verses about reverent fear, I gather that it's related to submission.
Husbands are also admonished to Respect their wives. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with RESPECT as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers(NIV 1 Pe 3:7). The Greek word for Respect or honor used by most Bible translations in this verse is Time' (Strong's 5092). NASB Translation lists synonyms for Time' as honor, honorable use, marks of RESPECT, precious value. The NT lexicon lists deference and reverence as synonyms too.
So what does all this mean? A wife is supposed to Respect - Phobos (reverentially fear) her husband, AND husbands are supposed to Honor - Time' (which also means marks of Respect and reverence) their wives. Contrary to popular belief, respect is not one sided. Husbands and wives should respect each other.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for your in depth reply! :-) Did my post pop up on google or something? :-)
DeleteI definitely agree in mutual, if at times different types, of respect among married couples. For me the question is more in the practical and I guess that looks different for different people. My mom showed respect for my dad through cooking, being excited when he came home, everything became focused on him when he walked through the door, praising him to her children and others "Papa is so strong, Papa is such a hard worker, Papa can fix anything", deferring to him in front of the children... But for My Man I think it looks differently?