Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Introductions are so dumb...

I am starting a blog because I feel like it's creepy, and a bit unfair, of me to read/stalk other's blogs if I don't have anything to say myself. And I DO have things to say myself - it's just I can't say the thoughts I have or things I am experiencing to anyone in real life. At least not some of them. :)

I have been married for 3 years, I am 28 years old, I married the first man I ever kissed, held hands with, dated, etc etc etc. We met when I was 10 and he was 6. We were semi friends from the times I was 21 until 24. And 3 months before my 25th birthday he asked me to court him. First girl he'd ever done anything with, and he chose me. 3 months before my 26th birthday we were married.

We had experimented with a lot of things involving spanking from the time we started courting (We were so bad... :-p) until recently. But, we were over and over and over met with frustration. I wanted to be spanked, but I didn't want sex... because I did not connect them. I did not want them connected. To me sex and spanking together was a perversion... but then who was I kidding the fact that I am an adult woman who WANTS her man to discipline and punish her physically is a perversion in many people's eyes. Then about a month ago through various things (not the least of which was reading the Shades of Grey trilogy together :) and secondarily was finding a now defunct blog called God's Gift to Him) something just... clicked inside of me. I realized that I NEED to be dominated. I am NOT a naturally submissive person in any regard, but there is something about my Man proving that he loves me enough to stand strong when I am out of control that just fulfills something deep inside of me that I didn't know I needed.

so, we are working on it right now. We keep running into walls where I don't know if this is really what I want - one minute I want to be dominated and the next I am cussing him out for giving me a command I don't agree with. (Like, telling me to eat a snack and go to bed because I am crying uncontrollably about...nothing I can think of,  obviously exhausted, and freaking out over everything. He is definitely abusive in wanting me to take care of myself. *eye roll*) He keeps finding himself in a spot where he can either stand really strong and give me "what i so richly deserve" or he can completely turn off the dominance and just treat me tenderly. He WANTS to do what I need, He WANTS to truly be my provider and provide for me, but because I am so flip floppy he can't really get a good handle of what I actually need.

So... we're working on it.

:)

3 comments:

  1. I just wanted to say Welcome to Blogland! I saw your comment today on Hermione's blog and so I clicked into your name to get to your blog.
    I have not been blogging very long, but it has been a good experience so far. I don't see the button to follow your posts. But, I'll check back. I hope you and your husband have a great weekend. Take care, SNP

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    1. Thanks for this welcome way back when!! :)

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  2. Hey, I wanted to thank you for writing. I'm Christian, single, female and trying to figure out what I'm hoping for in marriage. Anyway, I also read the God's gift to him blog and it really stroke a note with me. I don't know what God has in store for me as far as marriage goes. But I have to say that I feel a bit more normal reading what you all have to say about your lives. So, thanks. :)

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