Whyyyyy????? Pls excuse errors I'm typing on my iPod and the preview isn't working

Why am I such a bitch?? I feel terrible and it has nothing to do with the punishment I have waiting for me tonight (that actually relieves me a little that there is something we can do to help us both feel better.), but because I was so mean and hateful to My Man. :-( So, this morning when he was getting ready for work we got into a disagreement over finances. We have a grocery budget, he is the only one working, and he doesn't make a super lot, and I know all of this. But, I still feel like he is a miser sometimes, maybe it's because I was in my mid 20's by the time I got married but I hate hate hate having to ASK for money!! And I hate even more havin to explain why I want it. I don't want I have to justify my spending habits to anyone! (hence my 2k in credit card debt and at least a portion of our 6k credit card debt now) I convinced him to give me some of next weeks grocery money in case there were good deals today and he even gave me money so I could get a drink and bagel at panera. This fight continued in the car and got to a point where he said "you asked me to take charge And this is an area I actually WANT to take charge in." I replied something about how I hate him taking charge in this area and I should be allowed to spend what I want. Then I started saying rude stuff, I honestly don't Ben remember, Ooooh wait yes I do, I asked him recently to help me stop cussing. I said "I F@@@ing hate that you are in charge!!" he smacked my thigh, we had agreed he wouldn't smack me without saying something so I flipped out and said "you don't get to spank thigh!! I didn't give permission!!!" he replied "I don't need our permission YOU put a collar on this morning."(therefore showing him I choose to submit to him) I ripped off the collar and THREW it at him. ;-( (I will admit bc it has a hefty charms bracelet on it right now it made a very nice this as it hit him *halo*) he had the opposite response I thought he would, he was super calm and gentle and told me he loves me and basically calmed me down enough that I saw what a beast I was and I felt really bad. I apologized, he smiled and said, " I love you. You will be punished for that btw, but I have to go into work now so we will deal with his tonight." I feel so terrible!! The saddest part is when I told him I can't believe I acted this way the first time he really laid down the law he said he expected it and was not surprised. :-( :-( I want to submit and honor and obey and be a blessing as a wife not a curse!! I really truly do. Throwing something at him cussing at him yelling at him 100% not okay in an egalitarian marriage let alone ours!! :-( when will I grow up?