O.M.G.

It was good good night in the (Hmm I never gave us a pseudo last name... we shall evermore be My Man and Young Lady Firebird ;-)), er, it was a good good night in the Firebird household. Whewmama!!

So, the last couple of weeks we have both been working a lot. I mean, a lot for me meaning that I got a p/t job and My Man has just been working 45 - 50 hour weeks. And, we are both exhausted at the end of the day and My Man tends to sleep until 30 mins before he needs to leave. (even if he doesn't need to leave 'til 1pm ;-)) We have been having semi-regular sex, but it hasn't been amazing just decent. (which for us actually isn't bad since we've spent much of our marriage with me hating intercourse, foreplay, and aftercare :-p )

Tonight we had an impromptu date - he showed me his old neighborhood and then treated us at our favorite steakhouse. It was super fun and relaxing. But, my need to be dominated was growing. It has been the past couple of weeks - I don't just want him to spank me - I want him to take control and leave me to his care. At dinner I had mentioned to him "I want stripes." and then later in the night I was sassing him in the car (in the hopes he would spank me :)). As he got out of the car I said "Fuck you." (I basically use fuck you, fucktard, fuckwad... to get immediate funishment ;)) and then threw his hat on the ground outside the door. He responded "Those stripes you wanted, definitely coming your way." I had shivers and hopes, but especially in the last few weeks his threats don't always meet with action once we  get inside. Because we are so tired once we get inside and he has used the facilities and changed into comfy clothes he just wants to rest, and often my desire to be beaten has diminished and I plead out. Not tonight...

After he got ready I walked into the bedroom and he took control. Oh it was glorious!! He took his time chaining me to the bed, kissing my body, touching me all over, gently swatting my bottom and back and thighs, getting harder and harder until I could "feel the burn", then he started in with the flogger - that thing can pack a punch *laugh*, but I was enoying the attention more than hating the pain. :) Then he started in with my "favorite" implement - it actually probably is my favorite because it has the best results, but I never fear it's going to actually harm me. Our plastic knitting needles. They are super thin and flexible, so they sting and welt without bruising. Another plus is that there are two of them and they are easily wielded in two hands, so My Man has gotten REALLY good at using both at the same time to set a rhythym. I don't know how else to explain them except that most of the time it feels like itty bitty stings ALL OVER MY BODY! It's very uncomfortable and I start squirming a lot, but it's never totally unbearable. Tonight he asked me if I really wanted welts that would last. I said yes. He decided he was going to do "surprise attacks" basically do the little stings and then hit when I didn't expect. I SCREAMED - and he, being a good dom and hubby, stopped immediately. O.M.G. It hurt like crazy. I started crying. This has only happened once before (tears) - wow. Once I calmed down and explained I was upset now because it was in the middle of my back and I couldn't see it he did 2 more, once on each thigh. Those weren't nearly as horrible, but it didn't matter because I never did get to see them...which leads to part 2. of 3. ;-)

THEN, he rolled me over onto my back and started playing with my body. He tried doing nipple clamps, but I have inverted nipples and REALLY big boobs (42 DD-DDD), so it's super hard to get them to stay on. :-p Long story short I have never orgasmed except with a vibrator alone. Anything else touching me at the same time frustrates me and I can't "finish". (even the O's I get from vibe aren;'t AMAZING... early in our marriage the vibe would make me GUSH liquid, like i was soak through our mattress - really wet - lol, not there is nothing) Tonight he decided we were going to get me to O with the hitachi AND his fingers inside of me. After forever and much crying and gnashing of teeth - IT WORKED!! And it felt REALLY good!! :D

THHEEEEEEN, he fucked. O.M.G. He fucked me and it felt SO GOOD!!! And the bestest part... I asked him to put the small butt plug in me AND IT FELT AMAZING AS HE FUCKED ME!!!! Wow... I have never experienced that before and I LOOOOOVED IT!!!! (which probably means next time I will absolutely hate it, but for today I LOVED IT! :))

Then we tried the "medium" plug and it hurt so bad I couldn't let him get it all the way in. I REALLY wish our plugs came in closer together sizes!!! It goes from my thumb (maybe just bigger) to bigger than all 5 of my fingers together. Really annoying.

Anyways, I HAD AN AMAZING NIGHT!!! :D :D :D I love My Man SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!! I got to talk dirty to him as he came and it was great!! YAY!!!

I never know what to write anymore...

I either come across like a whiner or a brat or a poser or who knows what.

I want to be real and genuine, but it feels like even just in my own head I am a different person day to day.

Like for example - I ask My Man for funishment - I get pissed because it hurts so much - he insists he was going at like half of our normal force.

I ask My Man to be firmer and then I get pissed because he is so bossy and I want my personal autonomy.

I know what I want in my head, but because of sleeplessness, hunger, time, work, roommates, whatever it just never seems to fit reality.  I have even tried asking My Man to just do what he wants and I'll "go along", but it's no fun for either of us if it's no fun for me. :-p

I think we are going to find a new church, so I'll maybe be able to have a strong church family/community again, but that doesn't help my "kink community" problem. How do you invest in relationships where you have to say no to so much that they do. I can't "play" with others, I can't go to places where others "play", I just get sad and jealous. And yet when I don't read or associate with others I just get lonely. :-p I feel like the square peg in the round hole - I mimic a lot of similarities, but I don't "fit" anywhere. I don't "fit" in the vanilla or kink worlds.

I am just an infertile, kinky, Christian with nowhere to call "home". :-p

(and I know this probably falls into the whiney catergory :-p)

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Grrr

Fuck

Damn

Ass

Cunt

Bastard

GRRRRRRRRRRR

that is all.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

ok, that's really all now

I DID IT!! :-)

So, recently I asked My Man how he would like it if I met him at the door after work buck naked with a paddle in my mouth kneeling waiting to be fucked and spanked. He said he would like this very much. ;-)

I have been wary to try it, partially because I never know if he is going to be "in the mood" (although he has assured me if he is NOT in the mood, he will quickly BE in the mood upon arriving home to that scene.) the primary reason I had not yet tried it is because we live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my 20 year old brother. He already puts up with a lot, I didn't want him to accidentally see his sister in the nude. I didn't think it would bless him.

So, I did a few things - One was I made an error in judgement today when it comes to money - I know y'all are shocked as that seems to be my primary transgression if you just go by this blog. THANKFULLY though this one was not as blatant as some. I had money from my birthday to buy a cell phone, I had My Man's permission and blessing to use this money to buy a cell phone. But, through things that were not totally my fault* I ended up buying 2 cell phones on ebay instead of 1. Spending $300 instead of $150. And.. probably also a good thing, I was mortified about it. I literally had tears in my eyes and tried and tried to call My Man to confess what had happened. I wasn't scared of punishment - even if he had punished me for it I knew he wouldn't hurt me out of anger. But, I was so sad and scared that I had disappointed him or caused him stress or worry. After I explained what had happened he freely gave his forgiveness and said it would be okay, he needs a new cell phone anyways, so there is a good chance he can use the "extra" phone. He did have some mild corrections for how I could have handled the situation differently, but he was not upset with me and there was no punishment coming my way...unless I wanted it. Well... I was feeling so pent up and worked up that I said I did. I told him if he could please "spank me fiercely" it would help me feel better and released about the whole situation. Two, I asked him to call me when he was leaving work and then I called him and found out when he was pulling into our apartment complex. I put a big quilt on the floor, so if Brother came out of his room I could quickly cover up. I took all of my clothes off, knelt the way My Man prefers (I have a hard time kneeling the way he finds most submissive and usually he compromises, but I really wanted to be at my most submissive for him), and put a wooden spoon in my mouth. And waited...

He was very surprised, but very pleased. He gave me a very nice spanking (it definitely was pleasurable instead of punishing, but I didn't mind when all was said and done ;)) and then we had a lovely fuck. *grin*

I love My Man.

*I purchased them on Ebay. I found a phone I liked and was bidding on it. when it became more than I wanted to pay I stopped bidding. Everytime you are "outbid" a notice is emailed saying "Oh too bad, you've been outbid, but if the other person backs out you get the product!" Well, I have never had anyone back out AND there was less than 2 hours 'til the end of the auction and Ebay won't LET you back out that close to the end, Sooo... I bid on an iPhone and WON! It was $30 over my budget, but I am also getting an allowance now, so I knew My Man would be okay with it. (he very mildy rebuffed me for that, but it was more of a "teasing" reminder not a serious "You broke the rules") Well, 5 minutes after I paid for my iPhone I got a notice tell me that the other person had backed out and the product was going to be mine in 2 minutes! I wrote the seller explaining and she responded that she will not sell to people who don't have any feedback, so she had denied his bid and per Ebays rules it retracted back to my last bid, I had won, and I had to pay her. I think in this whole thing the only "bad" thing I did was that I didn't wait for My Man to come home and help me sort out what to do before I paid her. I just did some research and felt I didn't really have a case and didn't want to get bad feedback myself. Ugh. It was stressful. My Man says if it ever happens again I need to wait until the auction is completely over before bidding on anything else just on the off chance this same scenario replays.

*GROSS ALERT* *DONT READ IF YOU DONT WANNA BE GROSSED OUT* Butt Plugs are not my friend...

So, My Man and I have talked about butt plugs for a long time. We bought a 3 pack months ago (small medium and large?) and tried the small one, but it fell out when i stood up.

Since then we haven't really tried any anal play.

Yesterday, I was feeling "the brat" I just couldn't get a handle on myself, I think it part partially 'cause I am on like day 4 of my period and it always makes me feel antsy. He spanked me several times and then decided to try the medium sized butt plug. O.M.G. I was "fine" as he was loosening me up, using his fingers, putting the thinner part of the plug in and out, but when he PLUNGED it in (past my very painful hemorrhoid I might add ;-)) I screamed. Literally outloud SCREAMED! I didn't even realize it was me at first. :-p Then I started laughing, and he started laughing, so hard I had tears rolling down my face. He wouldn't believe me it hurt because I was laughing so hard. :-p :-) Once we finished out joviality he told me to try walking with it. I waddled a little, but mostly did okay. He kept barely tapping my butt 'cause everytime I would squeal.

Ok, let me back it up just a second here - BEFORE he put it in, as he was "loosening me up" I said these 4 words "I Have To Pee" He said I didn't really have to and continued going. Well, once the plug was in and I walked around a little I REALLY had to pee, so I sat down to pee... I thought "I'll just be careful the pee will come out the plug will not" The plug fell out...along with something that was NOT pee. *laugh* I spent a long time washing it with soap in very hot water. :-p

I would like to never try a buttplug again, but I get the feeling "My Man" will have different plans than I do. :-p