I either come across like a whiner or a brat or a poser or who knows what.
I want to be real and genuine, but it feels like even just in my own head I am a different person day to day.
Like for example - I ask My Man for funishment - I get pissed because it hurts so much - he insists he was going at like half of our normal force.
I ask My Man to be firmer and then I get pissed because he is so bossy and I want my personal autonomy.
I know what I want in my head, but because of sleeplessness, hunger, time, work, roommates, whatever it just never seems to fit reality. I have even tried asking My Man to just do what he wants and I'll "go along", but it's no fun for either of us if it's no fun for me. :-p
I think we are going to find a new church, so I'll maybe be able to have a strong church family/community again, but that doesn't help my "kink community" problem. How do you invest in relationships where you have to say no to so much that they do. I can't "play" with others, I can't go to places where others "play", I just get sad and jealous. And yet when I don't read or associate with others I just get lonely. :-p I feel like the square peg in the round hole - I mimic a lot of similarities, but I don't "fit" anywhere. I don't "fit" in the vanilla or kink worlds.
I am just an infertile, kinky, Christian with nowhere to call "home". :-p
(and I know this probably falls into the whiney catergory :-p)