I am not sure if the question is...

what are we doing WRONG or what are we doing RIGHT? :-p

So I had those four "juicy" bruises the day after... they just deepened and got worse and worse (and multiplied) until My Man didn't even wanna pat my thighs let alone spank them... this has made for some interesting times the last few days. *halo* I would definitely say I am more "brat" than "legit" these days. :)

I think I am an addict - if a day goes by and I haven't been spanked in it I feel empty and let down. :-p

I think we killed all of the nerves in my butt - it just doesnt feel a lot anymore. :-p

I wish I could do something amazing for My Man to let him know how grateful I am he is taking all of this one! Something that does not involved cleaning.

Oh, So, My Man finished the collaring book and I am reading it now. I dunno what I think yet.

Yikes.

So, My Man has been picking up more and more that I don't differentiate between "naughty" and "bad" very well. (Naughty being rolling my eyes, stuff that is intentional to get in "trouble" and bad being legit - I am not submitting, I am making bad choices etc) I like to be spanked, so even if it hurts I am not super deterred by the thought.

Yesterday at church I wanted attention (and I was struggling with sadness/wanting to hurt myself because of my infertility and just feeling "out of it") and so I was using the chain on his key chain to hurt my arms and make deep marks, and then during the sermon I was just being "bratty" because I wanted attention and I wanted to see what he would do as we were in church and he was running the sound  booth. (Immature I am very aware - I just... did it.) He threatened to leave and spank me in the car. I was SO tempted just to see if he would do it, but I stopped pushing.

After church he basically told me that my behavior was totally innapropriate and not okay and I could either forego our evening plans (dinner and going to see Batman) or I could "take a worse spanking then I've ever had." Well, I took the spanking. We went to Home Depot - he bought a dowel rod, we went to lunch, then when we got to the mall (where the theater is) he took me to the family restroom and COVERED my thighs and butt... he says he counted and it was 150 strikes. *sigh* I still don't know how I feel about this. I didn't do anything to deserve that much, and up until now he has done less than 20, so it was a major increase. I am still working through how I feel about DD in a real sense and not just in a game. Like, when we are playing it's fine, but do I really think a husband should be allowed to discipline his wife?

I don't know. I have given my consent, so for us it is okay I guess, but... I just don't know.

Oh, and I have like 4 "juicy" bruises...from 150 strikes I'd say 4 isn't too bad. :)

I'm a good girl I am!

So, chores haven't been so done this week... I am not sure if My Man gave up or forgot or decided to extend grace today, but he didn't say a word about chores before he went to work this morning. Something about him NOT reminding me motivated me to do the deep clean that had been scheduled for the kitchen today.

I am almost done, but I cannot find the darn broom anywhere. :-p

I do not know how two, or really one 'cause My Man rarely steps food in the kitchen, make such a massive mess. Everytime I bake meat, specifically chicken, it leaves a "crust" on my pyrexes that will not come off. (Even if I use foil or spray or anything) I think it's because I like my chicken VERY cooked. :) So, we had planned to toss these pyrexes (plus I have a REALLY bad habit of just putting foil in dirty pyrexes, so I can use it without washing it :)), they have been sitting literally for weeks maybe even months? Well, I used this scrubby thing I got out of the dollar bin at Shopper's and they are all clean again??? I mean there is some discoloration, but overall they are company worthy. So weird... maybe I will leave my dishes for months more often. **Halo**

I have about 2 hours before I need to leave to go pick My Man up from work... I might even vacuum before I go to get him. :)

I plan to type up "my story" over the next week, so if that is the sort of thing that interests you stay tuned! :) I also hope/plan to use more images :)

Worst Wife Ever

I am pretty much the worst wife ever... but he loves me. *grin*

Do most couples with kids/roomies/etc just do "kinky" stuff like once a month or something?

Yawn

I feel somewhat better today - yay!

I don't have any energy or gumption to do chores today - boo.

I need to get these chores done so I can go to my sister's house tomorrow - yay!

I have done 1/8 of what I need to do and I don't have any energy left - boo.

The list actually isn't bad at all I'm just super lazy today. (Still feeling sick, but I really should be able to get this done) Pick up the main areas and vacuum, fold and put away all of yesterdays laundry (already folded all of My Man's and put away some of it), pick up and vacuum the bedroom.

My head hurts. :(

I'm hungry. :(

Boo hoo hoo. :-p

(This whiny post is brought to you by sickness and boredom)

It's been a long...several days

I have not blogged lately, mostly because I can't find the words to say. I don't know how to express myself and I feel like I might say something I regret. :-p

My Man is doing AMAZINGLY!! He is so strong and Godly and manly and I love him to pieces. He is my rock in the midst of all of the ickiness I feel.

I have a bad cold, on top of my period, on top of meeting with our pastor AND small group leader and his wife on sunday. the pastor talk was mostly good, actually it was encouraging. the small group leader talk... *sigh*... it was hard and long and I think I was  GETTING sick at that point because I was running a REALLY hot fever and was super dizzy. They are against pretty much everything we are into. They think it is sick and perverted and unhealthy and unnatural and... I mean, they said over and over that they love us, they both apologized for being harsh, they both reiterated over and over that they want to be friends and not have this be the focus of our friendship, but it's really hard. One of the brightest spots for me was listening to My Man defend our choices... I got all horny inside listening to him be all firm and manly. *grin*

We havent had a moment alone at home all week... I need a spanking something fierce. All of the angst and drama and stress is building up so bad I just want to be spanked and spanked. But... I can't handle it or get into it when our roommates can hear and tonight there are 2 extra people over, so I know when My Man gets home from work it won't happen. Although it should because I didn't finish my chores for the day. I don't feel good...at all... but I probably could have forced my way through. All I had to to do was take the laundry down to the laundry room (apartment building) wash and dry it all (2 heavy loads, dried 2x each) bring it back up, and fold & put it all away... I got it all clean and dry and back up here. Now it is in the living room, and I am in bed. :-p

Anyone in the blogosphere on fetlife?? It's very weird and I am trying to figure out if I wanna be there.

My Man is da best man! :)

I love My Man. SO SO SO SO SOOOOO much!!!

Days like today where I am so overwhelmed by love and missing him make me wonder about the days when  I am a selfish witch and mean to him. :(

Hopefully we will have some fun today and not actually fight. :)

Dragon Fly Sleeve

Isn't My Man so skilled??? :)

Word Vomit

I was trying to write a poem to express my feelings, but I just can't get the words out right, so this is basically just going to be a pile of word vomit :)

Our cg leader and My Man exchanged some more emails today - basically trying to clear some stuff up. I was very proud of My Man for expressing that while he understands the concern over us going to the club, he does not appreciate the input that what we do in our bedroom by ourselves is somehow wrong. The friend wrote back apologizing if he was harsh or unloving, he knows there are other strong Christians who agree with us that what happens between a husband and wife as long as it is legal and consensual is good, but he does not agree. And he again made that very clear that he thinks some (not all) of the stuff we do is unhealthy. But he didn't elaborate either A: On what he thinks we do and B: What exactly he deems as unhealthy.

I ended up writing his wife a very long email explaining stuff to her. Because I feel like I don't even want to be in the same room with this couple anymore. I feel like I was "outed" and I feel ashamed over something I SHOULDNT HAVE TO FEEL SHAME OVER!! My Man is MY HUSBAND!!! He is the only man I ever kissed, the only man I have ever had sex with, the only man who has ever touched my breast, caressed my butt... he is my one and only. And I should be allowed to share anything and everything with him in the context of our marriage that we feel is mutually beneficial. (and legal, I mean I would smoke pot with him, but that isn't legal, so I can see someone raising and eyebrow. ;-) We have neither ever done any sort of drug at all :)) If I like to be tied up and he likes to tie me up - let's do it! If I like to be spanked, whipped, flogged, and he likes to spank, whip, and flog me - let's go for it!! If it makes me feel complete to have him tell me what to do authoritatively (and sometimes to "rebel" and be punished) and it makes him feel complete to lead me authoritatively (and sometimes to punish me when I "rebel") I say more power to us!! I have had more joy in serving him and submitting to him over the past 6 weeks then I have had ever... or at least in a LONG time. And there is no shame in that. 

I LOVE to be his "young lady" and he LOVES to be my "Sir". And I don't think that dishonors God or our marriage bed in any way.

Period.

Now.. the club stuff... I REALLY REALLY liked it... I had a sooooo much fun, but I can definitely see why My Man is taking a step back and reevaluating. I don't agree that it is harmful for us, but I can see how it could be and I can see why he is being cautious. :) The argument that we are keeping our marriage bed holy and everything is permissable between a husband and wife kind of weakens if we are having sex in front of other people or watching other people have sex. ;-) So... I can see why we are pausing. It hurts and it's hard because I felt so free there. For the first time EVER I felt 100% free to be who I wanted to be free to be who I am - there was no shame there. And maybe that is wrong... Adam and Eve sinned and broke perfection, so maybe there should be shame in standing naked before people who are not my husband... I don't know... we are working through that, but I DEFINITELY know standing naked in my bedroom chained to the wall, hands cuffed behind my back, covered in welts while my husband fucks me from behind - 100% without shame! ;-)

Trying to sort through my emotions (and how My Man helped :))

So, we went to the club - had an amazing time. Learned a lot. Met a lot of people.

Went to church Sunday - neither of us really feeling anything amiss - My Man commented he was concerned about how much he was thinking about some of the stuff he saw there, and trying to sort through how it was different than the times he has watched porn.

Monday morning he went to breakfast with a friend, our caregroup leader, a pastor-in-training at our church... HE TOLD HIM! I mean.. I don't want him to feel he has to live a secret life, and his friend asked "what did you do this weekend?", so he just answered. Almost without thinking. :) Apparently the next 2 hours were "deep discussion" about this. The friend essentially saying firstly that he didn't see how any of this stuff even between the 2 of us was building into a Godly, healthy marriage, but he conceded that point to say that if it works for us and is just me and My Man than he is not going to condemn it, he just doesnt "get" it. His second, and more vehement, point was that he thinks having sex/doing sexual things in a room where other people can see us and we can see them is eventually going to destroy our marriage. He thinks it is heinous. So, My Man left that meeting with a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly because he didn't feel like he could "give an answer" to why we want to go to this club and be with these people except that it makes us happy and excites us. We cannot answer how it is isn't lust or "even a hint of sexual immorality". My Man WAS very strong in his replies about the 2 of us in our own "bedroom" though. He was very clear that FOR US this is a very good thing and we 100% believe we can glorify God in our marriage through BDSM and DD. :)

I am torn in so many directions. It started just as disappointment, and a little anger, not really at My Man for "spilling his guts" 'cause I get that. I really do feel like if we have to lie or make stuff up than we are ashamed of it and that's wrong. But, disappointment that My Man will probably decide we cannot partake in the club activities anymore. (He already said even if we decide that (He decides that since I wanna keep going ;-)) the club is out, we will still go to the educational meetings, the things where they teach stuff with their clothes on and are not "playing" or having sex :)) And some anger that this friend made My Man feel so unsure and ashamed even. And then as the day went on the disappointment and anger was replaced with deep shame and heart brokenness. I feel like I had finally found a place where it was okay to be me. I am kinky, I have been obsessed with spanking since I was a kid, but you can't talk about that at church. Even outside the church it's not like you can say "My hobbies are writing, swimming, and spanking. I just love to be spanked." It doesn't work. so, I feel like I have spent 20 years (first time I remember reading spanking stories I was 8 years old) trying to hide myself or change myself or just feeling alone - and now I have people who GET IT! Who like it! Who want to share their experiences with me. And... that door is probably closing before I even got to get more than my ankles wet.

And the shame... I have to "live life" with this man. I am in a small group 2x a month with this man. My closest friend in our church is his wife. I am going to have to look him in the eye and know that he knows my deepest darkest secrets. And that hurts. And that is so hard. It wouldn't be hard if his response had been "damn, that's so kinky and cool!" No his response was condemnation and strident disapproval. Even after conceding it might not be sin for us in the bedroom I know he still doesn't APPROVE and that's hard and hurts. I feel like it's not okay to have sex/play in front of people who are thrilled we are doing this and support us, but it's perfectly right that now this man knows what we do...and is essentially "in our bedroom" now?? Ugh. I hate that.

NOTE: I do see on some level that if he really believes that going to the club will destroy our marriage that it would not be a loving friend for him to not say anything. I don't fault him for it. I don't even blame him for being against BDSM/DD in our bedroom if he thinks it is harmful. I get it. It just hurts.

So, that's where I am/was emotionally last night/this morning. Last night I was having such a hard time and couldn't process all of my emotions. It started out with me just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and My Man holding me and comforting me and helping me. Then, I threw my collar at him and he spanked me (dowel rods, best friend worst enemy :)) which I fought lots, so he spanked me lots. Then, I was struggling with wanting to hurt myself because of the strong emotions and he told me if i hurt myself (biting) then he would restrain me and I'd have to lay with my hands restrained behind my back. So, I bit and he restrained - semi loosely. I promptly UNrestrained myself and looked at him with a "what now??" face. He spanked me and rerestrained me this time with metal clips to hold the restraints shut. (like we have these leather cuffs and they have metal rings you can put a padlock or caribiner or something through to hold it shut)  and basically told me he was going to spank me until I said i was going to be a good girl and receive my "time out". I kept going and going and going and... he was so patient and "gentle" in the sense that most of his swats were stingy, but not deep - they just hurt! But, I must have pushed a lot because even with that I have some serious little bruises in the middle of my butt. AND THEY HURT! :) :-p (I love My Man, everytime I complain about a spanking hurting he says "It's a spanking, it's SUPPOSED to hurt. " :-)) But, it served it's purpose and helped me get out some of my emotions and overwhelming feelings.

Today I just feel blaaah... we are supposed to go to caregroup tonight and I really really really really reallllllly don't want to face "the friend". :(

Daaaaamn :)

So, Thur/Fri we went to a "Bondage 101" intro to BDSM kinda deal...the first night was just listening to this husband and wife explain some stuff about BDSM and about their particular group. Then, last night we went to a "BDSM Club". SO FUN!!! :)

They started with talking and then they opened up the floor with an "exploratorium". Basically they set up "stations" where people who are experts in particular things showed us how to use various pieces of equipment and "stuff".

They had stations for -

Flogging
Spanking
Caning
Single Tail Whip
"Sensations"
Hot Wax
Knives
Electricity
Ropes

I was super nervous and shy, also not sure if I was okay with anyone else spanking/hitting me other than My Man, so we started with the Ropes station. A REALLY nice guy taught My Man how to do 2 different types of ties with me where my hands don't have to be behind my back. (It hurts a lot right now because I am so fat. :-p ) It actually was not bad at all and I actually enjoyed it. Best thing of the night is a girl he tied up who took 30 minutes to get out, but DID finally get out, so he took it as a challenge and retied her at the end of the night. She couldn't get out and had to ask for help! *laugh*

We went over and talked to the man running the spanking bench to ask about advice how not to bruise me, he was so helpful. Because I have only ever been spanked by My Man as an adult I didn't feel comfortable being spanked by the guy, so we moved on.

After that we tried sensations and it was a lady, so I let her put a nipple clamp on me. We learned that because my nipples are inverted we need to put the clamps further up on my boob. Again, very nice person - did not make me uncomfortable at all.

Then, I decided to try the single tail whip station - My Man encouraged me to do it, so I felt okay about it. The man was very professional seeming and told me if I wanted him to stop I just needed to move my hands up the ladder (I was holding onto a ladder type thing.) I lasted decent - it stung, but didn't HURT. :)

After that I was feeling braver and went over to the flogging station. The lady there spent a long time teaching My Man how to do it "right". I was super scared because watching other people it was so LOUD! But, she was very patient with me and I had a good time. It did hurt though. :-)

After being flogged, and because My Man was SO gracious and encouraging - he was learning SO MUCH! I went over the spanking bench and got spanked. It was pretty funny because after he did some swats I was practically yawning and he said he could tell I was used to this because most people would be squirming and I just looked bored. :) He got harder and harder and it got to a point where I was laughing SO HARD *laugh* I have never laughed during a spanking, but it felt SO GOOD! I think I am glad he stopped when he did though because I think I was getting turned on and I wanna save those feelings for My Man. :-p :-)

Then, we tried electricity - SO WEIRD!!! It was seriously like the weirdest experience EVER! We were going to try hot wax, but I lost interest. If we go to one again I definitely want to try the knives - it looks really weird. :)

After the exploratorium we talked to some of the experienced people for a bit and then just sat and watched people. Not in a pervy "we are standing RIGHT HERE" way, but just looking around the room taking it in. Because it was 101night people were not allowed to have intercourse/oral etc, but there was still a LOT of passion in that room! :) It was definitely one of my favorite experiences in my life, and I Really want to go back!

We are trying to figure out what we believe and what our convictions are... it's hard because it didnt FEEL wrong, but there were definitely buck naked or mostly naked people walking around and making out and doing super hot kinky stuff... We'll just have to see. :)

Am I wrong?

Not from a DD or D/s or whatever stand point... just a human one. Just a husbands and wives who love each other stand point...am I wrong??

Here's the situation -

My Man had today off unexpectedly and decided "we" should have a productive day. He asked me to fold a bunch of laundry - I told him that the laundry is all in a bin, we are not at home, so the laundry will be going back into the bin, and most of it is underwear, undershirts, and socks, so I said I would fold the main stuff and seperate the whites in the bin, so they are easy to get to. He kept insisting that he wants his whites folded... I told him that I would seperate it, but I am not going to fold underwear that needs to just go back into a bin...

Long story short I folded the "real" clothes, and rolled up the undershirts, balled up the socks, and put the underwear in the corner of the basket. He is "royally pissed" because he wants his whites folded - is it selfish and unreasonable for me to tell him that if he wants them done a certain way he can do them himself? I am not denying him - I am saying I will do it THIS way and if he wants it done THAT way he can do it?? He thinks this is selfish and mean and hurtful... I don't see it that way... I really don't.

Plus, there has been a million mixed signals about what we are and are not doing... like, are we doing this thing where he can spank me when he feels i am disobedient, direspectful, or defiant 24/7? I thought we were not, but then today that is what he falling into threatening me with spankings if I don't comply... well, I am ok with that if that is what we are agreeing to - I wanted that and still do to some point, but if he wants to do that we are doing THAT. Not him saying he is gonna spank me if I don't do what he wants just so he can get his way. This isn't an excuse for  him to be selfish or self-centered or get his way. It's not. And even if we are doing this 24/7 does that really mean he just gets what he wants 24/7?? That everytime I don't do what he wants he forces me??

Argh. this is me right now -

Our Saturday..."fun"?

First off let me say that My Man is amazingly patient, forbearing, loving, and kind. :-)

Secondly - our saturday was a bit unlike we had planned because the power went out at 10pm Friday night and has still not returned. (we are in the library's a/c, power, and internet :)) So, we ended up having to leave the house for most of the day to find food, power, and a/c, so all of My Man's planning and hardwork was a bit messed up. Instead he decided to just be super strict and consistent... and he was. Over and over and over and... being the incredibly strong willed person that I am (and because in the past he has ALWAYS given in to my pleads or given up on being stern when I didn't mend my ways after a spanking or two) I kept pushing it. Over and over and... well, y'all get the picture.

"highlights" of the day - We used (or rather HE used ;-)) a few new implements - a dowel rod which he carried with him throughout the day (he looked like all of the dads in our church from the 80's and 90's with the handle of the wooden spoon sticking out of their bag or pocket ;-)) and used "generously" including in a family restroom at the mall*. A flogger - which neither of us thought could hurt, just be stingy, but it ended up making my cry - like I have never cried from spanking, and it may have been because i cried BEFORE the spanking, so I always already worked up, but it HURT! and I think those were the only NEW ones.

*In the restroom I was scared people outside could hear us, so I pretty much ended up "Safewording" out of embarrassment rather than legitimate need. He told me later that if I ever do that again he just won't trust me anymore, and if he cannot trust me than he can't spank me or do anything like that. It was very sobering and I felt really bad. I am not going to misuse it again.

All day I was pushing it, so he told me that when we got back to the house he was going to "beat me worse than I have ever been beaten." (NOTE: He has stopped calling punishments spankings because he wants to differentiate, but I really don't like the phrase "beating") But as he tried to tie me up I flipped out and started screaming at him and basically saying if we didn't do it the way i wanted we were not doing it at all. (he was trying to tie me so I was leaning over a pool table, but it was really hurt my ankles and feet... he of course saw this and would have released me in just a minute, but my will took over and instead of a "minute" it ended up being a long drawn out fight/discussion. I NEED TO TRUST HIM!) After a long ordeal he ended up tying me up in doggy style and spanking me that way... first a flogger and then his belt. it was not even a little pleasant. Then that night right before bed I again took off my "collar" without permission and threw it at him multiple times. I don't know why I needed to see if he was really going to follow through... :-p

The irony of the whole day is that I have some bruises on my thigh which dont really hurt, some stripes from the dowel rod which don't really hurt, and then he gave me an erotic/pleasure spanking before bed and it was making me SO wet i kept screaming "more more more" and THAT caused some massive bruising on my butt and it hurts to sit down...everytime i sit down. SO WEIRD! *laugh* It might have been from everything else and I just didnt notice it 'til after the pleasure spanks... who knows. Oh, and I just remembered a bruise on my boob 'cause he pinched me. :-p :-)

Needless to say I woke up VERY VERY VERY submissive today, and I think I have been "super good" :-)