Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Word Vomit

I was trying to write a poem to express my feelings, but I just can't get the words out right, so this is basically just going to be a pile of word vomit :)

Our cg leader and My Man exchanged some more emails today - basically trying to clear some stuff up. I was very proud of My Man for expressing that while he understands the concern over us going to the club, he does not appreciate the input that what we do in our bedroom by ourselves is somehow wrong. The friend wrote back apologizing if he was harsh or unloving, he knows there are other strong Christians who agree with us that what happens between a husband and wife as long as it is legal and consensual is good, but he does not agree. And he again made that very clear that he thinks some (not all) of the stuff we do is unhealthy. But he didn't elaborate either A: On what he thinks we do and B: What exactly he deems as unhealthy.

I ended up writing his wife a very long email explaining stuff to her. Because I feel like I don't even want to be in the same room with this couple anymore. I feel like I was "outed" and I feel ashamed over something I SHOULDNT HAVE TO FEEL SHAME OVER!! My Man is MY HUSBAND!!! He is the only man I ever kissed, the only man I have ever had sex with, the only man who has ever touched my breast, caressed my butt... he is my one and only. And I should be allowed to share anything and everything with him in the context of our marriage that we feel is mutually beneficial. (and legal, I mean I would smoke pot with him, but that isn't legal, so I can see someone raising and eyebrow. ;-) We have neither ever done any sort of drug at all :)) If I like to be tied up and he likes to tie me up - let's do it! If I like to be spanked, whipped, flogged, and he likes to spank, whip, and flog me - let's go for it!! If it makes me feel complete to have him tell me what to do authoritatively (and sometimes to "rebel" and be punished) and it makes him feel complete to lead me authoritatively (and sometimes to punish me when I "rebel") I say more power to us!! I have had more joy in serving him and submitting to him over the past 6 weeks then I have had ever... or at least in a LONG time. And there is no shame in that. 

I LOVE to be his "young lady" and he LOVES to be my "Sir". And I don't think that dishonors God or our marriage bed in any way.


Now.. the club stuff... I REALLY REALLY liked it... I had a sooooo much fun, but I can definitely see why My Man is taking a step back and reevaluating. I don't agree that it is harmful for us, but I can see how it could be and I can see why he is being cautious. :) The argument that we are keeping our marriage bed holy and everything is permissable between a husband and wife kind of weakens if we are having sex in front of other people or watching other people have sex. ;-) So... I can see why we are pausing. It hurts and it's hard because I felt so free there. For the first time EVER I felt 100% free to be who I wanted to be free to be who I am - there was no shame there. And maybe that is wrong... Adam and Eve sinned and broke perfection, so maybe there should be shame in standing naked before people who are not my husband... I don't know... we are working through that, but I DEFINITELY know standing naked in my bedroom chained to the wall, hands cuffed behind my back, covered in welts while my husband fucks me from behind - 100% without shame! ;-)


  1. I am glad you did something - good for you! As for the club stuff- having never been to one I dont have a whole lot of any point of reference but- I can say that in trying something new often I leg caught up and want to go all in, but then sometimes after a while feel a little differently. Taking it slow might be the best thing for you. Slow may be a good thing here even though it feels so right now. Small steps! Hugs!

  2. Thanks Mrs. SB. :-) I agree... it's just hard I am not a 4 year old inside I want everything I want and I want it now! ;-)