He says it's not his fault because I didn't safeword.
Well, fuck that.
Seriously.
Is it not obvious when I am turning around after every single "swat" say "You're hitting too hard! You're hitting too high" and the bastard is telling me to trust him and then he does it just as high and just as hard.
Maybe we need a "safeword" that means "I understand that I deserve this and I am not trying to get out of punishment, but you're really hurting me and if you don't stop I am going to have a panic attack.
ADDED AT 11:30PM
We had a good conversation. But his answer to the problem is that we are "not gonna do this for awhile" because he feels like we will just circle right back to this situation. I feel like if he would just listen and communicate better than this wouldn't happen as much.
He is not a bastard. He is a good husband and I love him very much. I am very grateful for all of the time and energy he has put into learning me and my body.
I also feel like I am spiraling out of control emotionally and I dont know what to do.
I might take this down later, he says I posted in anger... I read it and feel it's all true, but I can see why I should have said it differently. :-p
ReplyDeleteIs struggling your thing? Is that a thing that makes you happy, fighting and struggling and being overcome? If so, then you should safeword when you are actually serious - that's what it's for. Like the slogan says, "'Ouch' is not a safeword."
ReplyDeleteIF, on the other hand, struggling and fighting and being overcome are not your thing (they are for me, yummy, for my husband not so much), then you should't need to safeword to express your genuine distress. You just need to talk about it (which I see you already have), and clear up that you think the safeword is for super serious incidents - heck, you've already used it once and don't want to do it again mistakenly. You know, your toenail is actively cutting my leg, the implement is (very nearly) breaking my skin, those sorts of things. :)
I don't THIIIINK so, while there is something sexy about wrestling and him being so big and strong he overtakes me, even when we are "playing" I want to WIN! I have no desire to play the damsel, I am out for blood. :-p
DeleteI told him I feel like I never use "stop" unless I actually mean "STOP!", so we may try that...
The problem is that a "safeword" is supposed to be when something is WRONG, not just when it hurts more than I want to take. :-p
Has he actually looked up how to spank someone safely? I used to be sceptical about that stuff, like the health and safety guerillas have penetrated kink, but you know, there is method to that madness. I find quite a specific type of pain pleasurable, or tolerable, I should say. Being spanked too high makes it too dull and not stingy enough. A blow to the kidneys is never hot. Nor can you process it as a punishment, it just feels like abuse. He won't be so dismissive about it if you wake up pissing blood.
ReplyDeleteHe has never actually hit me hard enough to cause any damage - it's more like it's more pain than I am willing to accept?
Deletemaybe a halfway safeword? i know some people do like a yellow / red thing.
ReplyDeletei don't know if that might help in your case - that you are worried something is not exactly right... but not that you want the whole thing to stop.
Yeah, we are working on that one right now. He has agreed with me that more communication is needed, and that he may have been overly harsh last night because he was frustrated. I keep telling him I need "more", but then when he gives "more" I have a panic attack. :-p
Deletei would say that Frustrated is never a good way to give a spanking. i'd say all the DD / TTWD resource sites say that too.
Deleteand i agree. it should probably happen when he is at his calmest and readiest to deal with a spanking. not when you think he should be, that way he wont be doing it out of frustration.
That is the problem with having a safeword.
ReplyDeleteThe spanker trusts you to use it.
When you agree about a safeword you should also agree about what it means.
Not uncommon is that it means that all other things you might say, are not to be heeded.
It seems that you and he did not have the same idea about what to do with all other means of communicating.
It should be very clear to both what the implication is of putting a safe word in place.
This is exactly what we are running into. I dont want to safeword for a couple of reasons:
Delete1. I feel like it is only to be used in "DANGER!" not just "I don't like this"
and
2. I want him to read me. I want him to be able to tell the difference between bratty "nooo don't spank me" and "STOP! That really hurts."
I may be expecting too much or being too selfish.
This is an issue I have had recently. I have a post on it called Safe Words. We agreed that I would tell him how I was feeling and he would decide how we continue from there. That way, I don't feel as if I am controlling everything but I feel listened to. And he knows that if he pushes something that I am not feeling, aftercare will have to double as a result.
DeleteMy 2 cents... There seems to be a lack of trust on both sides. You ou that he will not go too far and on his end that you trust him not to hurt you. But saying that it sounds hat you have other issues preventing you from submitting to the pain. Other than talking it out - it sounds like both of you need practice- him spanking... And you accepting it. Sort of like bootcamp for spanking- you may find that practice helps.
ReplyDeleteHaha... yeah.
DeleteHe is REALLY good at hand/paddle/wooden spoon...really any OTK kind of deal, but he doesn't LIKE giving otk spankings because I am so fat, and because he feels like he can't get it "hard enough" in that position, so ususally I am laying down or leaning over the side of the bed/couch.
Pretty much everytime it's horrible is when I am standing. He doesnt know how to wield anything "floppy/whippy" and that seems to be his favorite implements? (belt, ipod cord, flogger, umm... I feel like there was another one... oh a long dowel rod rather than short switch kinda deal?)
I dunno...
sounds like you need to stay away form floppy and whippy then.
Delete