I don't know why he loves me..

I. Am. CRAZY!

So, day 2 of "the diet" and I completely and utterly melted down on him.

"highlights"

It took us over an hour to get out of the house because I refused to get dressed...because I didn't want to go...

After he told me "If you hit me, I will cane/switch* you and you will not get a say" I hit him and then refused to let him spank me because "It's not fair"

I called him to come get me (on his cell phone) and locked the door.

HORRIBLE!! HORRIBLE times... and then I ate. And OMG... it was like a new amazing person took my place. I then went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for over 40 minutes. And I am happy as a clam... THIS is why I am so fat and we rarely have me diet because without "enough" food I TURN INTO A DEMON!!

Didi with food - 

Didi Without Food - 

Basically....

We had a really really good talk after te gym. Actually after dinner while we were still in the restaurant I knelt down next to his seat at the table and begged his forgiveness. This pleased him. ;-)

In other news he said he MAY get a name and pop in here sometimes -we'll see. :)

The plot thickens (and an unexpected twist)

What a good hubby I have. 

today...

is a "no day".






Did I mention yet that I started a new diet? And dieting makes me cranky? Or rather that I can EITHER eat like a pig or not eat at all and My Man doesn't really approve of the first one.

Maybe if he just ignored me I'd be a very good little girl, but 

I currently have egg whites and bacon in my belly and stripies on my thighs.



And just because it came up in my image searches and made me laugh -

Am I the only one...

who upon hearing a "crazy threat" must try it out?

Example - Yesterday as we were  getting ready to meet some new friends for dinner and a movie, My Man notes that I have been rather cheeky all day. He grabs me and tells me "I will not put up with this when we are with the Smiths. If you are disrespectful when we are with them I will drag you to a bathroom and spank you with my belt."

Ok, first off, I am an exhibitionist at heart - As long as there are no minors or relatives...or certain church people around I "get off" on him exerting dominance towards me in public. So, he knows when the words leave his mouth my entire being is going to perk up.

Secondly, he has yet to follow through on a threat like this. Therefore, I must test him everytime.

I also made sure the new James Bond movie was juuuust starting, previews had ended, I timed it perfectly. And he totally ignored me. Actually he made an amazing blunder of whispering to me "Punch me again, Young Lady." So I did. Repeatedly.

**halo**

I never said I was not a brat. ;-)

And when I asked him later why he never follows through in those situations, or more to the point why he makes me crazy by making threats I know he won't carry out, he couldn't come up with much beyond "It's was JAMES BOND!" ;-)

Now to be totally honest... I love making him look good in front of couples from church, and I like looking like the submissive wifey that I want to be (and want them to think that I am ;-)), so I DID wait 'til it was dark to start acting up.

Maybe I am nuts. Maybe no one else is intrigued by threats like this...

NOTE: He DID almost drag me to the bathroom BEFORE the couple got to the restaurant we were at, but I begged and promised to be good. And I WAS very good through the rest of dinner. :)

Temptation is VERY strong....

My Man is a VERY hard worker. He left the house before I woke up yesterday and came home after I was asleep. So, he is asleep now and I am awake. And I really really really really really really want to go in and wake him up!

But, I am not going to because I love him and I want him to get lots of rest and relaxation. I am grateful he is off today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. Even though I have to work it means the maximum amount of time seeing him. And he will clean. The cleaning is WAY below spending time with him and him getting to rest - I PROMISE! But, it is a nice thought. ;-)

So, this is me actively NOT waking him up.

For Real.

At least until after 11am.  (1.5 hours away)

I do feel sick though. Maybe I should wake him up so he can tell me it's ok.

Hmm....

No. No. No.

I am letting him sleep.

Ode To My Man

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had no one strong to guide her
She'd do what she liked, to the detriment of all, and no one would dare to chide her
Until one bright day, a man came along, with courage, and strength, and wit
He looked in her eyes, held her pretty hands, and told her so gently to sit
She complied with the grace of a dove, for she wanted the man's attention
She had no desire to scare the guy off, for her loneliness did I e'er mention
She figured she'd try to be oh so good, so the gentleman would not leave her
She had no idea of the depths of her will and did not so fully beware
The goodness lasted for the first several hours and then her real self appeared
She was rude, and nasty, obstinate yes, and her defiance she loudly cheered
But, the man was ready for all that he saw, for he'd been watching awhile
He let her rant and rave all she liked, and took it all in with a smile
When she grew weary, he took her in his lap, and told her how things would be
He said "My dear, I care for you lots, so now you'll listen to me.
First thing to go are the sharp things in your room, you'll give them over to me
When you grow sad and start to despair, I'll hold you and comfort you see
Next on my list is that dreadful tongue, I see we'll have to restrain it
I'll help you to learn some new nicer words, and slowly we'll start to retrain it
I have boundless patience and oh so much love, so I'm in for this long haul
When you feel little and terribly weak, I'll stand so strong and tall."
The girl took it all in, for she knew was right, and she wanted to give her consent
But, one little thing still nagged at her mind, the secret she still hadn't vent
"I need someone one who can, how do I say this? Take me over his knee?"
She trambled as she spoke, for she'd never shared, her secret so easily
The gentleman beamed as she shared her woes, for this didn't surprise him so much
He'd already had the desire to redden her cheeks, and he didn't mean blush
And so their journey started, I'll leave the details for the later
But after Jesus, she now knew, This Man was her earthly savior.






Ok, so I know it has a LOT of flaws, but it made me happy to right it!! I am so grateful for all the My Man has put up with, and WILL put up with. And it made me happy to write a poem again. :D

I am so blessed.

I was reading an old blog of mine and post after post was about how lonely I was. How I wanted a guy who would hold me and love me for me. Who wouldn't be embarrassed by me. Who would WANT me.

And God sent me My Man.

And I am so blessed to be his bride. His precious girl. He. Wanted. Me. AND HE STILL WANTS ME! :-D

I WASNT BAD!!!

And I was NOT horrid today!! I did hit My Man once, but I really really didn't mean to and he overlooked it!! (eventually most of the day he was "thinking", but when we got home he said he believed me and I was very good otherwise :-D)

Usually after a family get together this is me -
 or more likely 

After all the stress his family gives me it SHOULD end with -
 or 

*giggle*

We took FOREVER taking pictures and I held my tongue...mostly.

We ate dinner in a loud restaurant and the kids were out of sorts and I told My Man I was stressed instead of freaking out.

We went back to his dad's house where the kids were being kinda nutso, and I sat on the couch and read a book instead of whining about leaving.

I was a good girl and deserve rewards. ;-)

I drew a line...

on my lower back. So, that he could see where it "really hurts" when he hits it... then he tried his belt again, but this time was from a close distance and me laying down. It stung and a couple were close to unbearable, but it was a vast improvement over the other day. My trust in My Man is greatly strengthened. And then we wrestled and did fun spankings to help me release a lot of the tension of the day. I LOVE MY MAN! :)

Oh, the belt was for being disrespectful earlier in the day and after being warned sprinkling iced tea on him to piss him off because he can't do anything about it at his mother's. **halo** (it was definitely in good spirits not in a "for real bad" way :))

I love him...

why are men so STUPID???

I get SO nervous around his family, I got all dressed, I picked out my outfit very specifically...the second he sees me after getting up he says "you're not wearing THAT are you?"

ARGH.

I cried and am not in a color he likes better. Poor guy felt very bad as I burst into tears.

Good.

;-)

Thanksgiving

Grateful for....

This Man - He is a blessing, a treasure, a gift, and I love love love him!!!

Hermione -Almost, if not THE, first "spanking blog" I found that didn't make me feel like it was a dirty or secret thing, but rather that I had desires that were fun and to be celebrated without being crass and gross. I <3 you, H!  

A "Red Bootied Woman"- Christina's writing style, candidness, and just love and respect for her husband makes me so happy and excited. She makes me want to love My Man more and shows that a woman can "in submission" to her man without being a doormat or a weak individual. And reading about Jim on her blog encourages me that a man can be "incharge" and protective of his woman while still loving her intensely and not being mean or unkind. I <3 this couple!! :) 

New friends - Fondler (who is not pictured on her blog, so I posted a picture similar to what I think of when I hear her name, only I think of the girl looking happy) Just showed me love and acceptance and friendship from the moment she started posting on my blog. I have been having a lot of fun getting to know her recently and I thank God for her today!! :) (she totally does have a pic, but my comp was being stupid, so ill leave both :) ) -

Kink!!! (nuff said)

SPANKINGS!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3




Giggles!! Rogue - Was one of the first blogs I ever found that didn't creep or gross me out too, it was either her or Christina or Hermione :) And I just remember reading this summer tears STREAMING down my face, my belly aching, because I was laughing so incredibly hard. Actually it must have been her first because it was a posting about her friend being grounded, and I am pretty sure it was Christina. ;-) Oh my goodness, My Man had to tell me to shut up because he couldn't hear the tv I was laughing so hard and so loudly. And she still posts things that make me laugh and laugh and laugh, but she is also real and posts the pain and the heartaches as well. I have so much love and respect for this woman I have never met and barely know, and I am so grateful to God for her today!!! *****HUGS***

Implements -

 



Viagra - 
.
.
.
.
.
.
lol!!! No, My Man doesn't actually use it, but I couldn't think of anything and I am sure many people in the world ARE very grateful for it! ;-)

Intense passion - (no matter what we look like when My Man and I are both "on" this is how I feel) -




Noisemakers - With my "passion" we really need that white noise ;-) and neither of us can sleep at night without it - 
GOD'S AMAZING LOVE FOR ME!!!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! I LOVE AND AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU ALL!!!!

New Night...

Firstly, EVERYONE thank you SO SO much for your input and advice in the last posting. I know that I am whiny and just wear my heart on my sleeves, so thank you for putting up with me.

This morning I woke up REALLY sore and had 2 bruises in the spots I was pissed about last night. But, I also had the realization that I'd gone to the gym for the first time in MONTHS and that definitely added to the pain of last night and this morning. :)

I was pretty struggly today, ended up digging a pen into my skin and drawing Xes just trying to subdue some of the inner turmoil. :-p

Then out of the blue got horny tonight, so I "raped" My Man. He didn't "finish", but we had a good time. I tried to buzz after and couldn't "finish" either. I hate this time of the month when my libido is low, or even when I desire sex I can't get very far, and my emotions are low and... yuck.

This is a very random posting. sorry. :)

Another Panic Attack.

He says it's not his fault because I didn't safeword.

Well, fuck that.

Seriously.

Is it not obvious when I am turning around after every single "swat" say "You're hitting too hard! You're hitting too high" and the bastard is telling me to trust him and then he does it just as high and just as hard.

Maybe we need a "safeword" that means "I understand that I deserve this and I am not trying to get out of punishment, but you're really hurting me and if you don't stop I am going to have a panic attack.

ADDED AT 11:30PM

We had a good conversation. But his answer to the problem is that we are "not gonna do this for awhile" because he feels like we will just circle right back to this situation. I feel like if he would just listen and communicate better than this wouldn't happen as much.

He is not a bastard. He is a good husband and I love him very much. I am very grateful for all of the time and energy he has put into learning me and my body.

I also feel like I am spiraling out of control emotionally and I dont know what to do.

The best of intentions...

So, I wrote letters to all of the girls that I nanny today, telling them each things I love about them and am grateful for. And, also telling them areas that need improvement. "Harder Child" had it spelled out clearly in hers that if she disobeys she will get a consequence.

We went to a fast food playplace, I spelled out the rules, and they had a great time. When it came time to leave however "Harder child" decided not to come, I warned her, she still delayed, and when she finally DID come she said "I was having too much fun", so I told her she'd be in a time out when we got to our next destination. Another mom in the room who had been chatting with me told me after "HC" was getting ready that she thought I had an amazing attitude, but that she thought I was TOO patient (I've never heard that before with relating to this child :-p), but that she applauded me giving a consequence. HC proceeded to tell me all of the reasons why she didnt care that she would have a time out, and why the activity she might miss part of was boring, and an assortment of other things. I offered to lengthen her time out - she declined. ;-)

Well, the next activity was a special "story/craft/meet a farm animal" time at the local library. We were a couple minutes late and the librarian told me they really needed to start and couldn't let kids in after the time limit, so I made a split decision and told HC that because of that she could go to the activity on time, but will have a time out after.

I am SO glad I did because I found out it is a drop off event and I now have an hour to myself child free!! WOOT! ;-)

Whyyyyyy???

Today is not turning out to be much better. I am just snappy and bitchy and feel SO out of sorts nad angry and pissed. AND THERE IS NO REASON!!! My period just ENDED! You'd think I'd  be in good sorts.

On top of it I am tired and today is my long day with the girls I nanny.

*le sigh*

On a positive note.

As I was posting the pics My Man took of the disaster tonight I found these AWESOME pics from Thursday night, omg I LOVE MY BOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!

 I do NOT however love my side eye :-p

If you're the praying sort...

Please pray for us. We are meeting with out pastor today, and I know he doesn't entirely approve of our D/s DD stuff, but he listened for WEEKS and now we need to give him a chance to talk. Please pray I wouldn't be hurt or defensive. Up until this point he has NEVER made us feel dirty or "bad" and I know anything he says is because he loves us. Please also pray that we wouldn't feel "guilty" I know that seems arrogant to go in saying "I know we arent wrong.", but... I am easily swayed by people's opinions of me, and I KNOW we aren't wrong here. :-p

His concerns thus far have been

1. He thinks we are replacing one thing with another as far as my cutting. And this is true to a certain extent - spanking helps me not spiral out of control, and the pain is only a part of it.

2. He thinks we are misunderstanding the Bible's "Wives submit to your husbands". Which I don't think is true because we do NOT think this is the right path for everyone or the "RIGHT" of any many to do to a woman. We just think it's right for us, and it is A way I can live our my submission to my husband.

3. I don't think he thinks it's "wrong" sexually, his view is what a man and woman do in their own bedroom for sexual pleasure is their own business, but I think he thinks it's unhealthy. He keeps saying that "bdsm originated in porn and porn is bad, so bdsm is bad"...and we just don't think it originate in porn? And we think the desires would be there even if someone hadn't shown us?

But, I may be judging him, maybe in the month or so since we have talked his thoughts have changed. I knows ours have. We are moving more into the DD light for "real life" and that wasn't as true a month ago. Actually, that would probably concern him MORE since we were trying to say it was just "in the bedroom" a month ago... and failing.

Why we told him is a semi separate issue that I will share some day. But not TOday.

Love y'all!!

The indignity....

No stripes (praise The Lord!), but The Man had the audacity to spank me as he essentially read me my list of good things "So you'll remember better".

Fondles, I know you approve. He did not like my "desparaging attitude about yourself".

*trying to hide my grin* Meanie.

*failing miserable* Mean mean man.

I feel very loved. :-]

50 Positives Take 2

DISCLAIMER: I Dont do any of these things perfectly and would prefer not to be saying a lot of them because I feel like a failure in so many ways.

1. I have amazing boobs.

2. I have wonderful long hair.

3. I have beautiful eyes.

4. I am a very confident karaoke singer.

5. I love to sing and dance during worship at church - even though no one else does and I know I look stupid I do it anyways because I love Jesus.

6. I love kids and am very good at planning things to do with them.

7. I am good at making preteen girls feel at ease and able to take to me about their lives.

8. I am good at making people laugh.

9. I am good at making friends.

10. I really care about people and try really hard to love on people that I know are hurting.

11. I am good at making meals for my family.

12. I am considerate and love to make foods, give gifts, and say things to people that will encourage them and make them feel special and loved.

13. I am sensitive to the needs and emotions of others.

14. I am incredibly good at Texas Hold 'Em. I have only lost to My Man once. :D

15. I'm an avid reader. I LOVE to read and can't wait to pass that on to my kids!

16. I already am encouraging The Girls I watch to read every chance I can. I already introduced them to books on CD and we are starting my 2 favorite books from 4th grade next week!

17. I am a good writer (when I put my mind to it :))

18. I am clever at making up rhyme, poems, and songs.

19. I love to pray for people.

20. I make kids feel like the are special and important. I treat them like adults who are worthy of my respect and attention.

21. I am able to rejoice with people even when I am jealous. (Like I get SO excited when someone gets pregnant even though it kills me inside)

22. I am good at Dragon Age. ;-)

23. I am a good sister.

24. I am a good friend.

25. I am a good wife.

26. I am a squirter. (hasn't happened in like 2 years, but when I have an amazing orgasm I squirt... my body just decided to start limiting the O's :-( )

27. I am an advocate for abused children, abused wives, and people who grew up in the "fundamentalist quiverfull environment" (there are a LOT of caveats to this one, but I'm having a hard time reaching 50 :-p)

28. I give amazing hugs.

29. I have a pretty high pain tolerance when I want to.

30. I trust My Man enough to never watch on shows or movies when a doctor is cutting someone open or there is any type of "slicing of skin" because I know that it will tempt me and he has told me to close my eyes. And I do. Every. Single. Time.

31. I am very outgoing.

32. I am very exuberant.

33. I have a child-like excitement that is contagious and makes others want to get excited with me.

34. I am a brat. (hey, "positive is in the eye of the beholder and I behold this as amazing.)

35. I am good at praising My Man to other people, to making him look big, strong, and in charge.

36. I am an exhibitionist. (again positive to me ;))

37. I kick ass at scrabble.

38. I have a deep love and passion for music.

39. I am very generous.

40. I am super friendly.

41. I have a very responsive "guilt gut", like if a person (guy or girl) even approaches dominant I am immediately responsive. :)

42. I am a people pleaser. I REALLY want to make people happy!

43. I am very affectionate. If I love you, then you know it. :)

44. I love food. If you feed me something yummy you will hear about it for weeks how much I loved it:)

45. I am a very grateful person.

46. I am very honest. It's REALLY hard for me to lie, and I tend to "word vomit" and overshare rather than try to hide anything. (although when I do try to lie it's pretty comical)

47. I love My Man despite how flawed he is. ;-) (I might do 51 in case this one doesnt count)

48. I am very feminine and try to dress sexy/girly as much as possible.

49. I am good at writing budgets. (suck at following, good at writing :))

50. I plan awesome vacations!

51. I am cute.

Some pics of me I feel slightly positive about...




This one makes us laugh everytime - it's My Man telling me he is going to "spank me cherry red tonight in the hotel" at our wedding :D

50 Positives

Alright I promised 50 Positive Things, and even though she is at work this is dedicated to Fondles :D
(thanks for helping keep me sane dear :) Luke 'N' Rita are waiting for you ;-))

I am going to type 50 positive things about me that I know are TRUE.

1. My Man loves me. No matter how emotional or fat I am he loves me and is attracted to me.

2. God loves me. He sent His only son to die for me because HE thinks I'm worth it. He created me with the body and temperament that I have and HE loves me.

3. I am not crazy I am just experiencing stupid hormones. Thanks Eve.

4. I am good at cooking and making My Man feel cared for when it comes to food. (I am an absolute fuck up when it comes to caring for our house, but for My Man I am good at it. ;))

5. I have beautiful hair. (when it's brushed. Right now I've spent an hour trying to undo a waist length rats nest - I am never doing curls with hairspray again :))

(at this point I gave up and My Man said I needed to continue, so he gave me the next few - I don't think these are true, but he says I have to put them)
6. I have amazing boobs. (ok this is pretty true - I love my 42 DDs :D)

7. I can make friends anywhere.

8. I am good with children (except for the little girl who I cannot make obey by my sheer will :-p)

9. I love to sing worship songs.

ok, it's be on me now...

10. I am good at making rhymes.

11. I snore very well.

12. I am good at squashing people with my weight.

13. I am excellent at watching tv.

fuuuuuuck.

Alright. I am gonna have to try this one again. Apparently he has decided (notice it is "he" now, he doesnt get a "My Man" that it has to be 50, it has to complimentary AND true (so he loves me and God loves me while true are not nice things about me, and he says I suck a squashing people and snoring and tv are not complimentary :-p)

OH! And for everyone that doesn't meet that criteria (or if I dont make it to 50) I get a stripe for each one. I LIKE getting spanked/paddled - I HATE getting "stripes" GRRRR!! I am never coming up with a good idea again)

Dumping Depressed Diva

*sigh* I don't know what it is about my period mixed with being sick mixed with My Man being gone (although it happens when he is here too), but eventually, usually around this point, I just get down. I feel sad. I am tired. I am weary. I am ready for it to stop feeling sucky.

And I want to cut.

You'd think after all this time I'd have let go - I've be healed - I'd know how to handle this. But I don't. I mean I DO in the sense that I know to call or text My Man, I know to stay away from sharp things, I know to eat yummy foods, I know to read a good book or watch tv or call a friend. I know how to keep myself from doing the act, but I don't know how to fix how I feel. I can pray or read my Bible or sing worship songs, and that helps to a certain extent, but it just...hurts. And I hate that.

And then I start to tell myself all of the reasons why I feel this way or why I deserve to feel this way or how I am pretty dang lucky that I have infertility because if I had a kid or a baby right now I wouldn't be a good mom, and that's why I have infertility is because God knows I don't derserve to be a mom and..

LIES!!! LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!!!

I know they are lies, I can see they are lies, but it doesnt change the fact that they FEEL like the truth.

Or that I am like this because I am fat and I am fat because I am glutton and if I could just get a hold on my eating I'd be attractive and I'd be worth something and I'd be good enough and if I was skinny I could get pregnant and then I'd be happy and..

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!! :-p I am literally laughing now... I am just imagininging y'all reading this thinking "Soooo she is a nutjob, and a bit schitzo" ;-)

I am going to type 50 positive things about me that I know are TRUE.

1. My Man loves me. No matter how emotional or fat I am he loves me and is attracted to me.

2. God loves me. He sent His only son to die for me because HE thinks I'm worth it. He created me with the body and temperament that I have and HE loves me.

3. I am not crazy I am just experiencing stupid hormones. Thanks Eve.
( SIDENOTE - My Man called to tell me he was coming home from work and everytime he asked me "How are you?" I found a new topic... he didn't miss it for very long and anyways we started talking and I started crying and he offered me a "nice loving spanking" nd I said "NO! That's how I know I am so depressed is I don't even want that, even though I deserve one." He immediately asked me if my chore got done today, it didn't, so I basically have 20 minutes before he gets home to complete it. GRR. I dont feel good. I'm depressed. And I DONT WANT TO F'IN' LAUNDRY!!!! This is all in my head, all that comes out is "I dont want to. I dont feel good." He says with a very peppy voice "The question is not IF you will do it, but if you will do it WITH a spanking or WITHOUT!" Me: You're so mean. I dont feel good! Him: No, I'm so loving. I'm wonderful. I am offering you stability and loving consequnces. You should be thanking me for my lovingness.     _ _ _ _    _ _ _, kind sir. ;-)

The point of this interruption was I am going to go do the laundry and I HATE to have "drafts", so I am posting this and will post the list of good things after :))

I am taking Dumb Quizzes

and only posting the least of the dumb! 

What can I say? I'm bored! ;-) (Yes there are chores to be done, but I am sick and tired. :-p)

Oh I'm So Surprised... *my NOT shocked face* - 
http://www.quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/BonnieL/what-kind-of-spankee-am-i/#

You Scored as Brat SpankoYou would try the patience of a saint, and you probably already have. For you, flirting, teasing, and mouthing off are all well traveled roads to a good spanking. You no doubt deserve one right now.  Although I was only 1 point away from -  You Scored as Discipline Spanko Spanking for you is no laughing matter. It's an effective means of maintaining order and decorum. A sore bottom is a small price to pay for a valuable lesson I am sharing this one because I laughed outloud several times at the ridiculousness of it ;-) http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/279886/why-do-you-deserve-a-good-spanking You deserve to be spanked... because you're a liberal and it's all a right wing conspiracy! No? Did the quiz get that wrong? Well, the quiz is SURE that you deserve to be spanked because you think you can talk your way OUT of being spanked! There were others that were pretty dumb. The last one I was gonna share just 'cause it made me laugh (obviously a horny teenage boys or just a single guy who still lives in his mama's basement), but my computer sent to Rogue's blog when I clicked on "See Results" so I took it as a sign ;)

Trust

I have been thinking that maybe the "problem" doesn't lie in whether My Man is making a dumb choice or not, but in whether I trust him.

My Man is 4 years younger than I am 9 months out of the year. You'll see when I get to his part in my life story that I thought of him as a "dumb kid" most of the time that I knew him, and even after marriage it was (still can be at times) hard to think of him as "the boss" because I just viewed him as immature.

It is really hard for me to let go and trust that he is taking us the right direction. That he is making good,wise, grown-up choices.

So, in the "dumb stuff" I am trying to just let him lead and follow even if it means people think we are dumb, immature, rude, impolite, or we get a ticket.

But, then there are things where I wonder "Am I genuinely letting him lead or am I just shirking any responsibility I may carry in this?" Example - at least 10 times in our 3 year marriage he has forgotten to set his alarm, set it at the wrong time, or it somehow "died" or "turned itself off". We have been late for several meetings, he is late for work, we miss something important. And I WANT to set an alarm myself because "I can do it right" and up 'til this point I have held myself back and let him take the responsibility for it and if we are late the blame is on him not me. Now I am wondering if it isn't a lack of trust, but a show of responsibility to set my own alarm as well, so "in case" something goes wrong we won't be late... or am I just saying "I don't really believe you can get us up in time and I need a back up plan "in case" (meaning when) you fail." ??

This is so complicate for me. Am I over complicating things??

My Man just told me I need to find my InnerDom;-)

One of the little girls that I nanny for does NOT listen to me. I will tell her not to do something and she will look at me and do it again. Or do it as many times as she can before I can get to her and physically make her stop.

I cannot seem to discipline her. (time out. taking away stuff, nothing physical :)) I don't know why. I can discipline the other kids I watch.

The two reasons I don't are

1. Because I am so ANGRY with her I am scared that I am being unfair. My Man says it's not unfair to put her in time out because she blatantly looked me in the face and disobeyed...even though I am angry. :)

2. Because I want to extend grace to her. I hate legalism and "perfectionism". I don't want to "bring down the hammer" for everything wrong she does.

But it's getting worse and worse and her mom keeps telling me she needs to be given a consequence everytime or she won't believe I will be consistent and she will just run all over me.

Reminds me of me. :-p

To obey is better than sacrifice...

I have a question for my readers (and really for the bloggers that know so much more than I do :))

What do you do when your HOH tells you to do something or makes a decision and you think it's stupid or foolish or silly? What if you outright think it's wrong?

For the second category I feel free to tell him I feel it's immoral or "wrong" and if he persists in thinking that is the course we are going to take (and this has never happened in our marriage, where I said "I think this is WRONG" and he just decided we were going ahead with it) to go to one of his guy friends or our pastor or something and get them involved. Then, if they agree with him I can know I am just  being sensitive or something.

But, in the first category I am still trying to figure it out.

Example - Today the line at Chick Fil A was wrapping around the building and all of the parking spots were full, so My Man pulled into the handicap, told me to wait in the car, and he'd be "right out".

I said "Well, I'll just drive around until  you get out, so we don't get in trouble."

He said "No, just wait here. It'll be fine."

After he went in I started thinking "Well, I'll just drive anyways, I know we won't get a ticket that way and he won't really care."

But, then a little voice inside my head started saying "But he told you to stay here..." and I started thinking "worst case scenario, we get a ticket, and I obeyed." And decided to listen. He was less than 5 minutes and all was good.

But, it got me thinking - is it always the right course to just "do what he says" even if I think it's dumb or rude or whatever. Like, we are running late for a meeting with someone, he finds out I haven't eaten yet and tells me to make a sandwich or we are going through a drive-through. I think it's rude to keep the people waiting, but he feels it's important for me to eat first.

An example from our courtship was he let me borrow his truck to take my siblings to the library. He told me to park in the parking lot across the street which has big signs "No parking except for shopping center business, violators will be towed". I told him about it, he said it would be fine, I said "I really think it's a bad idea", he said "It's ok. It will be fine. Park there." So I did. And we got towed. I had to walk like a mile or more with 5 kids under 12. It was $100 to get it out of the tow lot. But I obeyed. ;-)

I am sure this will come up even more after we have kids and he either does or does not want our kids doing things and I don't agree... when it turns out I was right and he was wrong I ALWAYS tell him "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" and make a big deal about how he should have listened to my  superior wisdom, but with this new direction in our marriage I think that doesn't breed respect and I am trying to stop... but I can't help a little of it. ;-)

How do you ladies handle it? I am going to ask this one some blogs too!! :)

My Song...

I started writing this song in the car today - it touched my heart (no, not really).. you may hold your applause...and critiques. ;-) ;-) ;-)
(this is to be laughed at not taken seriously ;-))

*sung to the tune of "Barbie Girl*

I'm a chubby blob
My body makes you sob
When you see me
You'll scream "She's ugly!"
Used to fit that dress
Now I'm just a mess
I should diet
But I just can't try it

(not changed)
She's so ugly she disgusts me- oooh oooh ooh yeah
She's so ugly she disgusts me - oooooh yeaaah

I'm a gross plus sized girl
How I feel I should hurl
When I walk through the mall the guys vomit
From my face to my hips
Is remains from the chips
That I ate late one night in the closet
But I've got
boobies
and they swing when I'm standing still

I can't think of a good ending... so That's all... ;-)Here is the "best" picture from Halloween ;)

I WAS invited I promise...

I rarely check my hisunsubmissiveyounglady gmail address, but today when I logged in there was an email inviting me to a blog t1klish? When I clicked on the invite it said I don't have one and when I typed in the bloggers ID it said I am not invited. *pout* I am I promise!!!

If you are this blogger I didn't spurn your invitation on purpose!!

I like kind people...

I woke up this morning with a body fully commited to menstruating. ;-) (in other words my period started for real this time)

I took My Man to work expecting to rush home, so I didn't bring any extra "protection". I decided to eat lunch at Chipotle (with permission) and go to the library to print our tickets for the midnight showing Breaking Dawn II. I definitely should have packed extra stuff and the library didn't have a "feminine hygene product dispenser" in the restroom, so I went to the desk to ask. One lady was very abrupt and slightly rude, but a very sweet lady in a wheelchair offered me a pad. And then when I came back to thank her later she told me she had more if I needed.

I am so grateful for kind people in the world! :)

In other news my butt is killing me this morning. I don't know if it's from spankings or something else... there are no bruises or anything, but it throbs and hurts from the middle of my butt to my hips. Ugh.

I started a song/poem on the way here this morning, but I'll post it as it's own entry. ;-) ;-)

I was just trying to be helpful...

So, I have been "cruising" all night - some times I don't need to feel it for weeks and others I feel this constant need. My period has "started and stopped" twice in the last few days, so I think it's mostly pms? But anyways, after making some smart comment about how he was a "mean hubby and only ever offers bad spankings" he got the "hint" and "decided all on his own" I needed a spanking.

Well, I've been reading Hermione's blog a lot tonight and she talks a lot about "warm ups", so earlier today I commented to My Man that I think the reason we go from zero to sixty is because he never warms me up anymore he just starts beating.

So, I got this amazing idea that if he just started in I was gonna remind him.

It went like this...

He comes up behind me as I am reading blogs and grabs me hair and PULLS

I start to play dumb "What? Why? Where are we going?"

He leads me over to the coffeetable *side note just last night I pointed out to him we could do over the knee on there and it worked PERFECTLY* and throws me over his lap..

*WHAP WHAP* (medium hard)

I pipe up "Have you ever heard of a WARM UP?"

He stops stunned and says (trying REALLY hard not to laugh I can tell) "Oh is THAT  how you wanna play it tonight??"

Let's just say I am sitting on a lot of soft things and still squirming.

I love My Man. :D <<<< Cheeky Grin

I love...

That I am getting to a place where I can start to recognize my emotions and impulses better.

That I married a man who when I look at him and say "I feel like I just need maintainence." immediately pauses his show, smiles, and says "Come here you."

That feeling right after a "little spanking" where I feel freshly chastised, very loved, and a little "wet".

*grin*

And sometimes you win...

He spanked me rosy.

I sucked him pretty well.

I initiated sex.

He finished well.

And sometimes we win. :D

Ramblings...

1. I wish sex were easier. Some days it's amazing - it seems like most days it's fine, but then My Man and I will get into this rut where it seems like everytime we have sex or try to have sex something goes wrong. I hate that. Last night was one of those times. It seems like everything he was doing was "wrong", and I would say "Please don't spank me right now", "Please don't try to buzz me right now." etc, but... he really thought it would help so he continued to do those things which in turn frustrated me and made me want to shut down and just "get through" it. Which of course makes me him sad, mad, and frustrated and... yeah... it never ends well. It probably didn't help that my sleeping meds had already kicked in which makes me significantly less responsive. *le sigh* He is off tomorrow, so maybe we can try again then. I am guessing tonight will be a bust since he has been up since 5am and works an 11 hour shift.

2. Our house. Wow... My Man's biggest complaint and most often request is the state of our house. It's dirty, it's messy, it's cluttered, and it's mostly my fault. I do try, but not hard enough, and he could try harder, but we're both tired...and lazy. Well, yesterday our building was being sprayed for roaches and the roach guys reported our apartment as "poor condition" to the main office, so we got a notice saying we need to clean. I think they think we are the source of the roaches. We very well may be. It's INCREDIBLY embarrassing and humbling, but also doesn't help my feelings of being overwhelmed. I know it's a disaster, he knows it's a disaster, but we just can't seem to stay on top of it. :(

3. Funny sayings - so, I nanny/babysit for 4 girls after school L(9), B(6), A(6), M(6), they are from 3 different families, not triplets. :) Over the past month here are a few of the indicators that My Man and I must not be hiding our "way of life" too well (all from L pretty much)

L:Ms. Lady, you always act like Mr. Man is your boss.
Me: Well, he kinda is *go into an explanation*
L:Hmm...

A week or so later
Me: Do you girls want me to buy you xyz?
L: Did you ask Mr. Man? Hmm? You're not allowed to spend money you know.

Recently we were at the mall and one of those guys at the kiosks was trying to get me to spend $150 on a new hair straightener. I kept trying to tell him "I really can't." and used the excuse "My husband would kill me."
B looks worried, "Would he really kill you?"

Me "No of course not honey! But, I am not allowed to spend money like that."

L - Yeah, she'd be in trouuuuble... Mr. Man would punish her.

*laugh* I wonder what they relate home to their parents. Her mom seems to think we have an amazing marriage and my husband is the sweetest and best (which she should think because he is.)

The funniest part to me is the OTHER girls, A and M are cousins and both have single moms - well, A is VERY "women's lib" and anytime she hears make any comment about "listening to Mr. Man" she is like "Ms. Lady- you're a grown woman!! Make your own choices!!" *laugh*

Reprieve

Between his lack of sleep (therefore not getting up early enough to do anything this morning), my bronchial infection, both of us' exaustion, and the myriad of bruises my backside and thighs have already accumulated My Man decided tonight that he will still take the "my money" check, but I do not have to be spanked.

Praise The Lord, and thank you Hubby. :)

Story Up??

There is this super fun game called Story Up on my Iphone where you write a story with someone else, taking turns, and there are words they give you each round you have to incorporate into your story. I want to write "dirty" (spanking ;)) stories, but am always scared I am playing with a kid... anyone out there in blogland play?? :D

I am sisof9

Does any woman LIKE giving oral?

This is a debate My Man and I have had our whole marriage, but it came up again a few nights ago, and he suggested I ask the blog world.

Ladies out there - I know there ARE women out there who love to give blowjobs - it makes you happy, excited, fulfilled, whatever. And **I** know there ARE women out there like me (although My Man seriously thinks they are much fewer than I think) who are grossed out and disgusted by it. (I perform it for him, but I REALLY don't like it, I gag everytime, I HATE the thought of the body part he pees out of being in my mouth)

But my contention is that I believe MOST women do it because they love their spouse and want him to be happy and sexually satisfied, but it's not like when you hear him grunt "Give me a blow job" or trying to stick his penis in your face or something other indicator that he wants "service" that you're overjoyed and excited about it.

Am I just off the mark?

I am so pissed right now I can barely breath...

How do good days and good intentions go so bad??

I just wanna spit on him and then go to sleep.

Ugh.

With Great Power Comes Great...

I am not using the words I can think of because I'd like to keep my pretty ass as pale as possible, but with my newfound submissiveness My Man's first edict...

I had to drive an hour with only my bra and underwear (I was taking teenage sister home) his sage advice "Don't get pulled over."

**eye roll**

It did make me laugh though. :)

UPDATE: It was AFTER I dropped her off - no minors were scarred in the making of this edict. ;-)

Be Careful What You Wish For...

There are many things to say in this post, so it might be a little disorganized. I will try to keep things concise. :-)

The reason for the title to this post is that recently I have been feeling disconnected from My Man. Not that we don't express daily love for each other or anything like that, but just we are tired and busy. We get up in the mornings and get ready for our days, maybe watch a little tv, ride to work together - kiss goodbye, he works/I work, end of the day we eat dinner, watch tv/read on our own/maybe browse the net alone, and go to sleep. Not only is sex missing from there, but also just a sense of oneness.

Another thing that has been blatantly missing from our marriage is any sort of tangible headship/HOH. It's not like he isn't "the boss" (I actually have some cute/funny stories to relate at a later date about how it's pretty apparent even to the little kids in my life that he IS the leader :)), but... I've gotten really lax in including him in my daily decisions and seeking his thoughts and input?

So, I have been craving this. Partially from reading a LOT of Carolyn Faulkner the past week (don't worry My Man is fine with it, this is one thing I didn't avoid him in :)) and she paints such a good picture of strong men who take charge and strong women who let them...or not. ;-) And partially just from being who I am. I have this inate need inside of me to be "taken in hand" to be held to standards knowing there are consequences that actually mean something. One of the hardest things about adulthood for me has always been that there are no longer any boundaries or consequences I can see. As long as I don't murder or steal I can pretty much do what I want. I mean, I have even WANTED to get caught speeding just so I could know there were repercussions for my actions. ;-)

So, anyways - Yesterday I accidentally "edited and reposted" the old posting about sex, and I guess My Man hadn't seen it when it was originally posted, so he wrote me this super long super sweet email about wanting to invest in me and wanting to be close and realizing he's dropped the ball a little etc etc etc. And we started talking in the car and I started talking about how I feel like any discipline in our marriage from him is only in the context of play and we started exploring why I feel this way. And a big thing on his end was that anytime he tries to correct me in a serious way (like for something legit not something in the context of a "scene") I balk at it, I tell him he doesn't have that right, I am a grown woman etc. I agreed that I definitely go to that mindset when I don't want to be corrected. But, I don't WANT to be that way, I want to change. 

And as we were talking I realized that there were things I had been doing recently that were so totally not even near the realm of ok, and they almost ALL had to do with money. (I can tell anyone who has read my blog before is not even a little surprised as this seems to be the area I am the worst in) The big thing was that my brother always pays us his rent in cash - $300 cash. This month My Man told me "Put that in the bank today." I said "Sure!"...and never did. And in the last 9 days spent the entire thing. Now in my "defense" a lot of it was legitimate spending things My Man told me to buy (a heater for our bedroom, groceries, etc), but not near all of it. I have been eating out several times a day and he knew this, but he thought I was using my "own" money. (I get cash I can spend on whatever I want) My sister has been here visiting and he knows I am feeding her, but I spur of the moment decided to go to Applebees and it didn't even cross my mind to tell (or ASK) him beforehand. So, because we had just had this long conversation he informed me that before church tomorrow I am going to get the "mother of all spankings", he is also taking "my money" and going to make me ask for cash when I need/want it. I HATE THAT!! I know it is fair and right and just, I spent our "family money" as "my own", but I get panicy and HATE not having money I can spend freely. So, I think it was a good (and logical) punishment.

So, all of this happens - in the car driving home from work last night - and I started to be smart. I don't even know what I said, but it escalated and escalated to the point where I just couldn't stop. We ended up in the bedroom where he gave me a "small spanking" with something that doesn't make any noise. (My sister is still here and I was scared she would hear) (oh, and the thing that doesn't make noise is my arch-nemesis the ipod cord. :)) OH! And he decided when he goes to kiss me I am not allowed to turn my head, and I have to kiss back. (So unreasonable I know. ;-) :-p) So we spent a loooong time "practicing" and I cannot figure out how or why, but as we were all done and getting ready to go out and hang with my sister I decided to "squeeze his balls". I have this really bad habit of "barely hurting" his balls when I am annoyed because I can't cause him pain anywhere else like he can cause me and it amuses me. I know I am a bitch, I am horrible, I am mean... but last night he decided that the best response to me hitting him in his privates was to hit me in mine. 

He laid me on my back and sat on my stomach facing my crotch, forcibly held my legs apart, and told me "I am going to hit it 3 times with my hand, if you close your legs and struggle I will start over." Oh. My. Goodness. I was in so much pain and SO much shock that he would hit me THERE. HARD. I did struggle and was overwhelmed by the pain, but managed to not add anymore. The second he was done I ran to the other side of the room, ripped off my collar, and sobbed. He realized immediately that something had gone "wrong" and so he didn't respond angrily about the collar or me needing to be away from him. He informed me I was having a panic attack (and after he said it I realized he was right I couldn't get words out, I was shaking, I was sobbing so hard I was choking) and we needed to work through it. As I explained it to him he said "Well, why didn't you safe word? Why didn't you say yellow to let me know or even red to get me to stop?" The honest truth is it never even crossed my mind. As I thought through ways to make the pain; stop screaming and telling him it hurts, squeezing my legs shut, clawing at him, none of these things worked, so the only thing I could think of was to submit. To force my legs open and allow him to finish. 

And that was a key to last night. However he needs to change his attack next time (he admit he DID hit me harder than he intended, and he DOES want me to say yellow if I am ever feeling like that so he knows how it affected me), there was a part of me that for the first time in a very long time felt like he was truly in control and there was nothing I could do about it. I was angry and hurting and FREAKING OUT, but I was also feeling ashamed because a part of me felt completed. A part of me felt relieved, and even turned on (although not enough to want to have sex in the least ;-))... So, he has informed me this will be the discipline everytime I hurt his penis... and that VERY much makes me not want to ever hit him in his crotch again, so I think that's the point. :-p

The rest of the night I found myself making a conscious effort to be submissive and respectful. Usually when we were watching tv I start saying "Fast forward!! Skip!" when the commercials come on. (He has this bad habit of watching whatever is on the tv, even commercials...even though he doesnt actually WANT to watch it :)) And last night I think I said something more like "Could we please skip the commercials?" :) I realized that some of this is completely on me. I need to make the intentional effort to speak respectfully and submissively even if I don't feel it. Almost a "fake it 'til you make it". That I am not speaking that way in order to not get "in trouble", but I am speaking that way because I want to respect this man. I want to treat him with respect and deference and be submissive because I love him. And because I think it makes our marriage better for BOTH of us. 

So, this is like a small novel. If anyone made it this far congratulations! ;-)

I'll post about the "mother of all spankings" this week... if it happens. *cheeky grin @ my man* ;-)

UPDATE 7PM - I counted the money and what I spent on "legitimate things" and I only spent 50 - 75 of the "family money"...he says my spanking won't be any less though. I think that's fair. I might disagree when it's time to pay the piper though. :)

I should win the sucky blogger of the year award...

I AM SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED IN SO LONG!!! I should be spanked soundly. ;-)

I don't even have any legitimate excuses, and the weak ones I have are that I know I am not very good at blogging and don't have much interesting to say, so I didn't write much. And that not that much new has gone on in my life. And that I would much much rather read awesome people like Hermione (hermionesheart.blogspot.com) and Christina (redbootywoman.blogspot.com). :) I enjoy reading other people's experiences because I feel like it helps me to be a better wife and gives me and My Man tips and pointers for our own journey. :)

Thank you Ms. Hermione for the suggestion about the "subscribe button"!!! Oh my goodness what a simple fix and it worked so well!!! I don't know why it didn't work when that is where I wanted it!! :) THANK YOU!!!

I am going to write an actual update in a new post - hopefully today, maybe even this morning. My teenage sister has been staying here this week, and I can't write when she is up. **halo**

Subscribe?

It looks really out of place, and I don't know how to fix it, but there is now a space for you to subscribe by email or I THINK subscribe through google connect? :-p :-)

BTW, My Man and I had good sex yesterday and it reminded me that it's not that bad or hard if we're both into it. ;-)

Bored? Weary? Selfish?

In the last week My Man and I have had sex once. Even in our "pre-kink" days a whole week gone by without being intimate would have been odd.

I am not even sure WHY this is the case. I think it's partially because we are both working, we are working semi-strange hours. (We leave the house together around noon or 1 and then we get back to the house together around 11) We are tired and out of it. Sex is hard, it's not something relaxing or "chill". When we are not at work we just want to veg in front of the tv, read a book, SLEEP!

But, I wonder if there is something wrong with this. We are snuggling, we hug and kiss, we express our love verbally every day. Is sex really THAT important?

Part of me says yes, because I have been told my whole life that if a husband and wife are not having sex they are going to grow apart, that sex is vital, that a marriage will die without it.

But, then, another part of me says That's bullcocky! There are marriage where one of the spouses is unable to have sex and they still love each other and work hard at their marriage. Or when couples get old I KNOW some of them are not getting jiggy with it and they have a deep love and care for each other.

I do miss it in some senses, but I also feel like I can find my fulfillment in My Man in ways other that intercourse.

He misses it though. And that is where the selfishness comes in. Yesterday he tried several times to "get something started", but I kept turning him down because "it's my first day off." "we have so much to do" "we don't have time" "it doesn't feel good right now"... I just wasn't in the mood or have any desire for sex. :-/ I know some of it is my cycle, but some of it is mental too - Sex doesn't come easy for me and so if we haven't done it in "a long time" the thought of trying to get it started just makes me so weary.

I think I will try to be available when My Man comes home today, so he can know I love him and just in case there is something missing in a sexless marriage. :-p

Updateishness :D

I am trying to sort through things right now. Trying to figure out why I feel the things I think I feel and what I am actually feeling in the things I have no clue. :-p

First - I know I battle depression, it is generally related to my hormones, but they are so out of whack I am not even sure why I feel things at certain times anymore. (It used to be I could tell if I was ovulating or about to menstruate or what, but now it's so...random.) This relates to the D/s DD stuff in that I don't know where *I* want this all to be going and when My Man tries to take the lead or tried to read me and go from there things get all messed up.

Second - I feel like I don't have any time or energy to GIVE to My Man anymore. We spent a week at the beach relaxing and that SO helped, but then we get back and life just comes racing back at us. It is so stressful caring for three 6 year olds and a 9 year old (and 75% of the stress is just from 2 of the siz year olds). I am not a naturally bossy person - I am a naturally lazy person, a naturally fun loving person, a person who likes to make others happy and bring them joy...and as long as we are doing fun stuff the girls enjoy we get along great, but the second I try to assert any authority it's met with such intense opposition. OR it's just... I can't control them. Like, we go to a store and they start playing tag and yelling. When I grab one of them and tell her she has to stand by me because she is not using proper store etiquette she drops to the floor and starts SQUEALING and drawing people's attention and it's totally embarrassing and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I told her she was gonna get a time out which I feel like was the worst thing I could have done because she made my next hour a living hell. Whining, complaining, refusing to comply with even the simplest request (I was waiting 'til we go to the activity we were going to), like "put your seatbelt on." "Don't try to open the door while I am driving." etc. By having to be the grownup all day I feel like by the end of the day I am so empty of all maturity I just act out towards My Man. I am a complete and total brat and it's not even fun it's just I feel like I have nothing left to give and just need to know I don't have to be the mature, responsible, in charge one in our relationship.

Third - I have so many hang ups. Like, all he wants in the world is a blowjob where he can come. We have been married almost 3.5 years and it has never happened. Longest blowjob ever was less than 5 minutes. Part of it is that I gag, part of it is that my jaw starts to hurt, and most of it is that I don't LIKE it. The very concept of putting someone's genitalia in my MOUTH makes my stomach church just typing it here. You spend your entire childhood being told the areas you pee and poop out of are gross and disgusting and dirty and then when you are a grown up all of the sudden you're expected to put someone elses in your mouth??? I don't think so. :-p Plus, I am not a guy, and I am not him, so I just don't see the point. There are other ways we can get him to come, so why keep pushing the one way that makes ME feel disgusting and gross?? He says to him it is the ultimate act of submission...and I guess I can see that... I guess. It's not that I don't want to bring him pleasure - I just making him happy and bringing him pleasure, but I guess it's hard for me that it has to be in the way that I feel so grossed out and used? I also blame his body - I am not sure he would be capable of coming during a blowjob - he needs things so precise to come that I cannot keep the exact rhythm and whatever that he needs?

That's where my head's at these days... and hating my infertility. I know I go on about brats and how I don't want to have to be in charge anymore, but I really do still want my own kids. I feel like with my own kids I'll have more of an idea of what to do. More options? I'll know them better, so I will better be able to tell when they are not listening or if they just didn't realize they were being bad? I dunno...

Book Reccomends??

(I Will Post An Update Later, But For Now...)


I have been reading non-stop dom/sub erotica for the past few months - My Man is about to forbid them he is so sick of the stupidity and sex.

So, my question is - does anyone have reccomends of books where the male lead is strong, takes charge, is alpha, a good leader, etc and there are not graphic sex scenes? We are fine with spanking, controlling, etc, but he wants me to stop filling my head with graphic sex - any ideas?? :)

Thank you!!!