Fatty McFatpants...

So, we did the phase 1 of the South Beach diet and I didn't lose a single pound... **grrr* and now I am just hungry ALL THE TIME!! We added back in some "good carbs", but I am trying to eat less "junk" (like turkey dogs :)) and I jut feel grumpy all the time. I thought it was PMS, but PMS doesn't last for 2.5 weeks...plus I had some signs of ovulation, sooo... whatever.

I saw this pic on FB this morning and decided to do a post on why it's better that there is more of me to love. ;-)



Ok, I cant find what I need, so I'll just post "fat amy" because she is awesome :D

Update on the day...

HE FOUND MY LICENSE!!! Where I intended for it to be (I said until I get a wallet I am leaving the  cards in the glove compartment in the car, but because my ATM card was in my pocket I assumed I'd losst the license) **phew** saved on that front!!

As for the money... I am a bit confused, but basically he sees no point in yelling at me or punishing me, but he doesnt approve???? And to his credit after when I wrote asking permission to spend money on something he told me to go for it :)

F*** Me. :-p

(I messaged My Man before writing this, just so that I wasn't like trying to avoid telling him by putting it on my blog and hoping he wouldn't see it or something...)

Two of the things I have the most trouble with are losing stuff and spending unauthorized money.

I finally got a new driver's license and atm card on Sunday.

My Man told me Sunday if i I lose these he is cancelling our trip in August because he is sick of me losing stuff.

I can't find my license. :( :( :( I am REALLY hoping it is in the car. It's already fallen out of my pocket twice. (I havent had time to get a new wallet yet)

And then today I bought some "groupon type deals" online... I 100% wasn't trying to be bad, I honestly completely didn't even think of it until I realized I had spent like 27 dollar in the last 30 minutes.

I feel sick. Not because of what he might do or say, but just because I am such an idiot. I don't get why this is so hard for me. :(

Thanks and Randomness...

1st, Thank you to all of the sweet souls that replied on my last post. I am sorry I am not replying to each of you individually - I normally would, but I am not sure what to say other than thank you. I know that My Man really does love me and care about me, and he doesn't want to do things to hurt me or torment me, he is not even evil man... I guess we just need to keep working through what submission really looks like and means? :)

I think he might add his viewpoint in soon? I was falling asleep last night and in my haziness thought he said something about it? :-)

Second, I wanted to talk about our "date night" - we had been doing South Beach Diet phase 1 for 2 weeks and had made a deal with each other if we made it the two weeks we'd go get milkshakes and fries and all that badness. Funny thing is the milkshake and fries didn't really meet any cravings for me and they just made me feel a bit ill. But, then I ate a chipotle burrito with the tortilla and thought I'd died and gone to cravings heaven. ;-) I think because of all of our talks that morning and me feeling a bit uncertain of where we were in all of this I was testing and pushing all day? (Maybe to reassure myself that "staking my claim" in one area didn't mean I was taking back every area?) He did a great job of reading me and understanding what I was doing and being consistent and strong. :) I got another movie theater spanking. Seriously, I am starting to think it's my favorite part of going to the movies. ;-) We saw OZ and it was really good!! We had a great time! :)

Oh, another funny note, as we were having sex yesterday (at home, earlier in the day) someone from church called My Man's cell phone...AND HE KEPT GOING while he talked to her!!! :D :D :D I was trying SO hard not to laugh or make weird noises... it was hilarious. And when she saw my man later in the day she was like "I hope I didn't disturb you earlier..." and My Man was like "It was fine. You weren't bothering anything" **dying** it made both of our "things to do before we die" lists. ;-)

Thanks for being faithful friend y'all!! ***HUGS****

Is there a submissive way to say "No"?

It happened again this morning. Although not in the same way.

I woke him up with kisses, I was teasingly naughty, I let him know I wanted to be spanked... as I am bent over and he is getting me "warmed up" he started to stroke my pussy and sticks his fingers inside. I tense up, as usual, waiting for it to "be over" to we can get back to the things I enjoy, when I stopped and realized "I don't have to just grin and bear it anymore. I have told him I don't like it, we have discussed over the last few days that I DONT LIKE IT! I have other women in a similar dd/ds type situation who have told me it's okay to tell him no..." So I got up and told him I was done. I told him that this isn't okay, that I don't like it, that I am angry that he keeps doing it even though he knows I don't like it.

And he doesn't think I have that right. Or rather he thinks I gave up that right when I "chose to wear his collar". He thinks that the decision of what is too far and what I don't like and what is going to cause me to panic is in his hands now and me "taking back control" of my vagina basically says I don't want to be his subby.

I tried to explain to him that him putting his fingers inside doesn't make me panic the same way, but that because we have been having this conversation over and over I think he should have asked "Hey babe, is it okay for me to touch you this way?" or even "Love, I am going to put my fingers inside because I want to see if you are wet, but I won't touch your clit." He thinks the second one could have been okay as long as I am not allowed to say "No, I really don't want you to touch me there." He got really upset and said there is never a time when he is spanking me that he has to ask my permission for a damn thing.

Eventually, he just said "Ok, I give up you win." and said he won't touch my vagina at all. But he think it's a way I am not submitting. He is disappointed and upset with me. No matter how many times we go around and around and around he just doesn't think it's right or okay for me to have something where I am saying he "may not". He says I can tell him I don't like something and then trust that he will stop if it is bad for me. Well... I have been saying I don't like it for a long time...and he still does it. He says it's not selfish because he is doing it for me.

I don't believe that. I believe he believes it, but I think he is wrong.

I hate this because I feel like I am finally starting to have a submissive heart and submissive attitude and a DESIRE to submit and surrender to him... and I don't think that me saying "No" about this thing means the rest of it is nullified.

He says y'all are agreeing with me because you only have my little one side of the story...but it's not like he is giving his viewpoint. (and I don't mean that as disrespectful as it sounds... I am just frustrated) Subby or not I shouldn't have to subject my body to stuff that I hate. Or more specifically as a subby I should have a Dom that I trust will not do things I hate. He compared it to a parent disciplining a child. The child doesn't like it, but it's for their own good. I don't think this is the same. I am not doing something wrong and being punished or shown the right way. I am a woman who is saying "I dont like this thing. I don't WANT this thing." and he is a man saying "I understand that you think you don't like it, but I am going to keep doing it because I think I know better than you."

Help! :(

Yeah Pretty much...

Happy St Paddy's y'all!! :D

on a totally funny note

oflol... best UPS moment ever... so I see the UPS man coming in the front door of my building and I was coming up from the laundry room. I said "HEY! Is that for 1234 apartment 204 Young Lady?!?!" "Aww man, sorry no, this is 201" "are you suuuuure??? I checked and it was coming from Springfield today!!" "No, I don't have anything for that address, maybe tomorrow?" "oooh...ok, thanks..." *start to walk away* "Heh, I'm just kidding - it's your's!" I laughed and signed and as he walked away I said "btw... Jerk!" ;-) He laughed really hard

I am Pro-Choice...

... But against abortion.

Ok, what I MEAN is... I say "my body my choice" as far as "touch"... if I don't want him to touch me in a certain way or a certain place I think he should immediately remove his hands and honor my request. To respect me in that way.

He feels like it is his job as an HoH to stretch and grow me and so it means acclimating me to his touch in certain places.

I have gotten to the point where most of the month I can suffer through, grit my teeth and bear it, but I REALLY don't like him touching my vagina with his hands/fingers AT ALL!  I never ENJOY it... in the heat of passionate making out and sex I can distinguish that there is some physical pleasure, but I still don't LIKE it and wouldn't seek it out.

I really think it is outside of his rights as My Man to overrule my wishes about my own body. Let me rephrase, 'cause I think he has the right to say "Don't dye your hair" or "Don't pierce your tongue"... I guess I more mean if I say "No" to him touching me no MEANS no... and he doesn't see it that way. He feels it's okay to demand kisses and hugs and me to sit in his lap...and I don't agree wholeheartedly, but I comply because I can see a place for it, but I HATE MY VAGINA being touched I HATE HATE HATE being molested and... to me if I have repeatedly told him I DONT LIKE IT! And he keeps doing it, then it's not him stretching and growing me, it's him being a selfish ass because he wants a wife who will enjoy it or like it.

I know his heart is for me... I know he actually wants my best and my good...I know that he thinks eventually I will get over my hatred and fears and be able to experience pleasure from it, so it's not ACTUALLY him being an ass, but... it's been almost 4 years and we STILL have me melting down and entire body shaking sobs when he continues... I think it's okay for me to have this one thing where I don't let him "lead" where he doesn't get to "own" it. He says for a "Dommy guy" the words "You can't have this part of me" are just an invitation to pursue and conquer that. It's like a locked door where he just has to kick it down.

I have tried the respectful route, I have tried the angry route, I have tried the "shut down and let him do it as long as you can" route, I have tried everything and he still feel it's best. I DONT.

I don't know... what do you guys think? Is there a time and place for me to say "No. I don't like it. I don't want it. No."?

**We do think someone at some point molested me and I just have no recollection**

PSA Announcement: Texting and Driving

Dear Public,

This service announcement is brought to you courtesy of my tears and aching butt.

Texting and driving is not worth it. "Texting" also includes email, browsing the web, and as I learned today searching google for an address I needed. Apparently pulling over to the side of the road is "better than dying".

Also learned that opening mail and glancing through my playlist are all things that are counted in there with texting.

Supposedly it would be better off for me and my bountiful booty if I just left the phone in the glove compartment. I am still barely allowed to check it at stoplights, but am strongly advised against it.

:-p

hi :)

**waves**

I am still here.

I am alive. We are still plugging away. My 14 year old sis was here for a week and I couldn't blog while she was here, and there also hasn't been too much to say.

Update in a shell I went to the fertility doc and they haven't found anything yet. I had a bit of a scare where they thought I had diabetes, but I went for a fasting glucose and I came back way below pre-diabetes.

My Man and I are on day 12 of South Beach Diet Phase 1 and we are ready to kill someone for french fries and milkshakes. ;-) He has dropped over 10lbs and I gained 5, but I think I am at least down to my starting weight now. :-p

I miss the blogging world and am looking forward to catching up with everyone over the weekend. If anyone sees me on though, feel free to ask if the house is any cleaner. I promised I'd clean some this weekend. It looks like an episode of Hoarders at the moment. :-p

Love and miss everyone!!

Ouch ins't a safe word ;-)

(PREFACE: I am not at all upset with My Man, I don't "blame" him - stuff happens :))

We had our first "boo boo" tonight..

So, I invited my 14 year old sister over for the week without asking My Man. I have a habit of doing this. It just doesn't cross my mind to ask if he is okay with it. So, after I told him I said "I should have asked you. I am sorry." and he said "Yes, you should have. I should spank you." "REALLY?" I was rather shocked. He explained it wasn't going to be punishment as much as "maintenance" since it didn't even cross my mind he wants to bring things to forefront of my mind. ;-)

So, we went to the gym, came home, put away groceries, and then I presented myself to him. Overall it was fine, but he kept hitting my thighs and it would HURT, so I would move a lot. And then he'd stop and smack my foot or calf that was blocking. After a bit he looked at my face (I was bored at that point, this was before it started hurting :-p) and he said "Not satisfied" and started using a hairbrush. (Just a little plastic brush) Well, it started hurting more and I started moving more, and he smacked my calf with the hair brush.

Once we were done I realized that my calf was REALLY hurting, and I kept saying "Honey it REALLY hurts" and he (thinking I was just whining) basically said "It's a spanking it's supposed to hurt" ;-)

Well about 10 minutes passed and then I realized that I was having trouble standing on it and walking on it...

We used our new "arnica" and I iced it. The bruise itself is only like the width and length of 3/4 of my pointer finger, but the calf muscle itself hurts SO much and everytime I step or walk I feel like it's gonna give out...kinda like when you get a cramp or a charlie horse in your shin only in my calf?

Ouch.

:-p

What is an HoH to MY man?

So, some DD/TTWD/Whatev ladies and I were chatting (online, wouldn't it be awesome if we could chat face to face??) and these questions came up "What is your definition/meaning/role of an Hoh?" and "In your experience, does your wife do anything that tends to chip away at your confidence or make you question your ability to lead.  Does she do anything that makes you question whether she wants to be lead? What has  your wife done to chip away at your  confidence in your ability to lead or question if she really wants to be lead?"

I felt like the questions were so good that I emailed them to My Man and asked him if he would think about them and let me know what his answers were at dinner that night. The results are here...

Ok, so we talked over dinner and I was really surprised as some of what he had to say. I took notes. He laughed at me and was awkward at first, but eventually I think he liked I was writing it down. :)

What is an HOH to him - 

Biblically the man is the leader of his family, and leading doesn't mean telling what to do or being bossy, but rather it means taking responsibility, being of the well being of your wife and children, knowing where we are emotionally and physically and spiritually, leading by example. But, that is what a husband's job is period, A HoH is something that can only exist when willingly given that higher level of  authority by his wife. The level of authority an HoH has and how he carries it out differs by family, by agreement, and by need. The vibe he gets when he thinks of it or what he perceives others to think of is a 1950's family rather than a kinky fetish. He believes however that this is not entirely accurate. Partially because the 1950's "weren't that great". He says that the role and abilities of an HoH are VERY dependent on the wife. It's not a role he believes you can take or demand, but it's one that has to be willingly given. That said once it IS given then they have the right to lead and direct even when the wife doesn't like it or want it. He says another big part of the role of an HoH is not taking on a role he cannot fulfill. He used the example of a 24/7 slave/master relationship - he would not undertake this, at least as far as he can see at this time, because he wouldn't be able to maintain it. He cannot be that responsible for another human being.  So in short the only authority an HoH has is that which is willingly given, but once it is given it is real and cannot be "taken back" on a whim. ETA: He also said no man has the RIGHT to be a HoH or to tell him wife what to do and expect her to obey. It's something that has to be given :)

As for the other questions he says the things I do that really tear him down and tear his authority and self-confidence to shreds are:

Inconsistency - when I will have agreed to a rule or a standard or a level of authority and then when I am PMSing or tired or just "don't feel like it" I will say things like "I never wanted this" "Only an animal would expect that kind of treatment" "You just enjoy causing me pain and that's why you do these things to me"Anger and reacting from pain/emotional hurt when he does something I did not expect or even accidentally hurts me more than he intended. He said he is fine if I cuss like a sailor and tell him his aim is horrible and basically scream to kingdom come, but when I start attacking him as a person it makes him want to just leave me alone and not try anymore. I also make a lot of belittling comments about his immaturity, or that he isn't a very dommy person so he must be faking it when he tries, or just pick at his weaknesses and flaws in a way that makes him feel like I don't value or respect him as a person let alone a HoH. Something that really surprised me is that he said it's not just my words it's my attitudes too. If he can tell that I am thinking those things or that I am obeying just to get him off of my case and not because I Respect him then that tears him down as well. when I roll my eyes or sigh it makes him feel belittled. 

He said I am the mood setter. If my attitude is one of submission and wanting to please and respect and basically lifting him up and making him feel like the best most manliest man I've ever met and the love of my life and as if I am thrilled to serve him and be with him it makes him act and feel like the manliest man and... but when I tear him down it makes him feel weak and as if he can't be the man he should be. Another thing he said that surprised me is that within reason he doesn't mind me testing the boundaries or even crossing the boundaries just to see if he will react, but it's when I act as if there ARE no boundaries that he wants to throw the towel in. That it's very hard to relate to me and "deal with" me when I am acting as if the rules and authority don't even exist. 

Thanks for the questions it was a really really good conversation!! My answers would be very similar with maybe a little more "taking" of authority even though I know in my heart that it really doesn't work unless the wife is surrendering it, not if it's being wrenched from her hands. :)This led into us talking about some of my fantasies and I think he was a little surprised at how much of him taking control plays a part in those... although laugh He was NOT surprised that my fantasy is more like him planning the ultimate date night where he plans out everything to my benefit (or our mutual benefit... ;-)) - rather than he plans out a date night where I blow him and we watch anime and play video games ;-)

What about you ladies and your fellas? What do you think you do that chips away at their authority/confidence? What do they say? Are the answers the same?

One Hot Momma!!

My Man and I are gonna go on a date tonight (to a burger place and to see Jack the Giant Slayer) and I asked him how he wanted me to dress and he said "Cute Sexy", when I walked out in my outfit and make-up he said "woooow", so I think I succeeded. ;-)

Bas, I don't think I fit your "ttwd woman" model...and if I do it's ironic since I spent much of the photo shoot fussing at My Man for "doing it wrong" :-p

I hate how awkward I look

This is my fave :-D

                                                   Something about the slouching he really likes?

                                                  I think I look like I am pooping, he says it's very flattering...

                                                               Fat Face!

 These two I asked him to take a picture where I am not slouching... I look slimmer, but grosser. SIGH!

Have I ever mentioned that I absolutely LOVE MY BOOBS!!!!!!