So, some DD/TTWD/Whatev ladies and I were chatting (online, wouldn't it be awesome if we could chat face to face??) and these questions came up "What is your definition/meaning/role of an Hoh?" and "In your experience, does your wife do anything that tends to chip away at your confidence or make you question your ability to lead. Does she do anything that makes you question whether she wants to be lead? What has your wife done to chip away at your confidence in your ability to lead or question if she really wants to be lead?"
I felt like the questions were so good that I emailed them to My Man and asked him if he would think about them and let me know what his answers were at dinner that night. The results are here...
Ok, so we talked over dinner and I was really surprised as some of what he had to say. I took notes. He laughed at me and was awkward at first, but eventually I think he liked I was writing it down. :)
What is an HOH to him -
Biblically the man is the leader of his family, and leading doesn't mean telling what to do or being bossy, but rather it means taking responsibility, being of the well being of your wife and children, knowing where we are emotionally and physically and spiritually, leading by example. But, that is what a husband's job is period, A HoH is something that can only exist when willingly given that higher level of authority by his wife. The level of authority an HoH has and how he carries it out differs by family, by agreement, and by need. The vibe he gets when he thinks of it or what he perceives others to think of is a 1950's family rather than a kinky fetish. He believes however that this is not entirely accurate. Partially because the 1950's "weren't that great". He says that the role and abilities of an HoH are VERY dependent on the wife. It's not a role he believes you can take or demand, but it's one that has to be willingly given. That said once it IS given then they have the right to lead and direct even when the wife doesn't like it or want it. He says another big part of the role of an HoH is not taking on a role he cannot fulfill. He used the example of a 24/7 slave/master relationship - he would not undertake this, at least as far as he can see at this time, because he wouldn't be able to maintain it. He cannot be that responsible for another human being. So in short the only authority an HoH has is that which is willingly given, but once it is given it is real and cannot be "taken back" on a whim. ETA: He also said no man has the RIGHT to be a HoH or to tell him wife what to do and expect her to obey. It's something that has to be given :)
As for the other questions he says the things I do that really tear him down and tear his authority and self-confidence to shreds are:
Inconsistency - when I will have agreed to a rule or a standard or a level of authority and then when I am PMSing or tired or just "don't feel like it" I will say things like "I never wanted this" "Only an animal would expect that kind of treatment" "You just enjoy causing me pain and that's why you do these things to me"Anger and reacting from pain/emotional hurt when he does something I did not expect or even accidentally hurts me more than he intended. He said he is fine if I cuss like a sailor and tell him his aim is horrible and basically scream to kingdom come, but when I start attacking him as a person it makes him want to just leave me alone and not try anymore. I also make a lot of belittling comments about his immaturity, or that he isn't a very dommy person so he must be faking it when he tries, or just pick at his weaknesses and flaws in a way that makes him feel like I don't value or respect him as a person let alone a HoH. Something that really surprised me is that he said it's not just my words it's my attitudes too. If he can tell that I am thinking those things or that I am obeying just to get him off of my case and not because I Respect him then that tears him down as well. when I roll my eyes or sigh it makes him feel belittled.
He said I am the mood setter. If my attitude is one of submission and wanting to please and respect and basically lifting him up and making him feel like the best most manliest man I've ever met and the love of my life and as if I am thrilled to serve him and be with him it makes him act and feel like the manliest man and... but when I tear him down it makes him feel weak and as if he can't be the man he should be. Another thing he said that surprised me is that within reason he doesn't mind me testing the boundaries or even crossing the boundaries just to see if he will react, but it's when I act as if there ARE no boundaries that he wants to throw the towel in. That it's very hard to relate to me and "deal with" me when I am acting as if the rules and authority don't even exist.
Thanks for the questions it was a really really good conversation!! My answers would be very similar with maybe a little more "taking" of authority even though I know in my heart that it really doesn't work unless the wife is surrendering it, not if it's being wrenched from her hands. :)This led into us talking about some of my fantasies and I think he was a little surprised at how much of him taking control plays a part in those... although laugh He was NOT surprised that my fantasy is more like him planning the ultimate date night where he plans out everything to my benefit (or our mutual benefit... ;-)) - rather than he plans out a date night where I blow him and we watch anime and play video games ;-)
What about you ladies and your fellas? What do you think you do that chips away at their authority/confidence? What do they say? Are the answers the same?