It happened again this morning. Although not in the same way.
I woke him up with kisses, I was teasingly naughty, I let him know I wanted to be spanked... as I am bent over and he is getting me "warmed up" he started to stroke my pussy and sticks his fingers inside. I tense up, as usual, waiting for it to "be over" to we can get back to the things I enjoy, when I stopped and realized "I don't have to just grin and bear it anymore. I have told him I don't like it, we have discussed over the last few days that I DONT LIKE IT! I have other women in a similar dd/ds type situation who have told me it's okay to tell him no..." So I got up and told him I was done. I told him that this isn't okay, that I don't like it, that I am angry that he keeps doing it even though he knows I don't like it.
And he doesn't think I have that right. Or rather he thinks I gave up that right when I "chose to wear his collar". He thinks that the decision of what is too far and what I don't like and what is going to cause me to panic is in his hands now and me "taking back control" of my vagina basically says I don't want to be his subby.
I tried to explain to him that him putting his fingers inside doesn't make me panic the same way, but that because we have been having this conversation over and over I think he should have asked "Hey babe, is it okay for me to touch you this way?" or even "Love, I am going to put my fingers inside because I want to see if you are wet, but I won't touch your clit." He thinks the second one could have been okay as long as I am not allowed to say "No, I really don't want you to touch me there." He got really upset and said there is never a time when he is spanking me that he has to ask my permission for a damn thing.
Eventually, he just said "Ok, I give up you win." and said he won't touch my vagina at all. But he think it's a way I am not submitting. He is disappointed and upset with me. No matter how many times we go around and around and around he just doesn't think it's right or okay for me to have something where I am saying he "may not". He says I can tell him I don't like something and then trust that he will stop if it is bad for me. Well... I have been saying I don't like it for a long time...and he still does it. He says it's not selfish because he is doing it for me.
I don't believe that. I believe he believes it, but I think he is wrong.
I hate this because I feel like I am finally starting to have a submissive heart and submissive attitude and a DESIRE to submit and surrender to him... and I don't think that me saying "No" about this thing means the rest of it is nullified.
He says y'all are agreeing with me because you only have my little one side of the story...but it's not like he is giving his viewpoint. (and I don't mean that as disrespectful as it sounds... I am just frustrated) Subby or not I shouldn't have to subject my body to stuff that I hate. Or more specifically as a subby I should have a Dom that I trust will not do things I hate. He compared it to a parent disciplining a child. The child doesn't like it, but it's for their own good. I don't think this is the same. I am not doing something wrong and being punished or shown the right way. I am a woman who is saying "I dont like this thing. I don't WANT this thing." and he is a man saying "I understand that you think you don't like it, but I am going to keep doing it because I think I know better than you."