Sunday, March 17, 2013

Is there a submissive way to say "No"?

It happened again this morning. Although not in the same way.

I woke him up with kisses, I was teasingly naughty, I let him know I wanted to be spanked... as I am bent over and he is getting me "warmed up" he started to stroke my pussy and sticks his fingers inside. I tense up, as usual, waiting for it to "be over" to we can get back to the things I enjoy, when I stopped and realized "I don't have to just grin and bear it anymore. I have told him I don't like it, we have discussed over the last few days that I DONT LIKE IT! I have other women in a similar dd/ds type situation who have told me it's okay to tell him no..." So I got up and told him I was done. I told him that this isn't okay, that I don't like it, that I am angry that he keeps doing it even though he knows I don't like it.

And he doesn't think I have that right. Or rather he thinks I gave up that right when I "chose to wear his collar". He thinks that the decision of what is too far and what I don't like and what is going to cause me to panic is in his hands now and me "taking back control" of my vagina basically says I don't want to be his subby.

I tried to explain to him that him putting his fingers inside doesn't make me panic the same way, but that because we have been having this conversation over and over I think he should have asked "Hey babe, is it okay for me to touch you this way?" or even "Love, I am going to put my fingers inside because I want to see if you are wet, but I won't touch your clit." He thinks the second one could have been okay as long as I am not allowed to say "No, I really don't want you to touch me there." He got really upset and said there is never a time when he is spanking me that he has to ask my permission for a damn thing.

Eventually, he just said "Ok, I give up you win." and said he won't touch my vagina at all. But he think it's a way I am not submitting. He is disappointed and upset with me. No matter how many times we go around and around and around he just doesn't think it's right or okay for me to have something where I am saying he "may not". He says I can tell him I don't like something and then trust that he will stop if it is bad for me. Well... I have been saying I don't like it for a long time...and he still does it. He says it's not selfish because he is doing it for me.

I don't believe that. I believe he believes it, but I think he is wrong.

I hate this because I feel like I am finally starting to have a submissive heart and submissive attitude and a DESIRE to submit and surrender to him... and I don't think that me saying "No" about this thing means the rest of it is nullified.

He says y'all are agreeing with me because you only have my little one side of the story...but it's not like he is giving his viewpoint. (and I don't mean that as disrespectful as it sounds... I am just frustrated) Subby or not I shouldn't have to subject my body to stuff that I hate. Or more specifically as a subby I should have a Dom that I trust will not do things I hate. He compared it to a parent disciplining a child. The child doesn't like it, but it's for their own good. I don't think this is the same. I am not doing something wrong and being punished or shown the right way. I am a woman who is saying "I dont like this thing. I don't WANT this thing." and he is a man saying "I understand that you think you don't like it, but I am going to keep doing it because I think I know better than you."

Help! :(


  1. Okay, so - first off - "vagina" is the reproductive canal (internal) - "vulva" is the whole (external) works, lips, clit, opening. - not using this to try and correct you, but I want to be clear about what it is you do and don't like.

    So, you have an interesting mix of dd/D/s going on in your relationship, and only the two of you can really clarify what that collar means, but when I see collar, I do think that means you have given him your no. He may think the same.

    The amount of frustration I am reading off you is incredible, and that can't be good. Did you agree to see a therapist about the problem? Do you agree that it is a problem that you don't want to be pleasured like this?

    I think your man is not quite grasping how sincerely you do not want your vulva touched.

    For me - if my husband touches my vulva at all before I am aroused, it pretty much shuts down my ability to become aroused. It makes me feel rushed and I can't really deal with it. I'm okay with sex continuing from there (I love sex!), but it has to be oral or we have to use lube or he has to really, really distract me (spanking/flogging) - but AFTER I am aroused I love love love love love his fingers. My FAVORITE thing. But getting him to understand the don't-touch-until-arousal-is-obvious has taken a while and a lot of talking.

    So I get the "don't touch me there" feeling, even if in my case it's just a (yet!). But your husband seems to be working from the assumption that "This is SUPPOSED to feel good, so you must be broken if it doesn't, so if I keep doing it maybe eventually it'll fix you." -which has to be upsetting and I can see, after a lot of repeat incidents, how it would totally take you out of the moment and tick you off.

    Perhaps, like with a child, you can redirect him to something that DOES make you feel good. If you tell a child "no, don't do that," it's much better if you give him an alternative. "Don't do that, do this instead."

    Or, to put it more "submissively," perhaps, "I'd like it better if you'd do this."

    Hope that helps.

    1. Oh, and my comment is already worlds long, but no one should ever, ever, ever conflate touching a woman's vulva for sexual pleasure with any form of discipline (unless that's your thang). Continuing to do something that's meant to bring you pleasure that DOESN'T... well, that is actually EXACTLY like discipline, but the kind that's for no reason and it's going to make you associate having him touch your vulva with unpleasantness, which I don't THINK is what he's going for.

      The fact that you're using/thinking the word "molest" when he touches you, and not in a happy subby tongue-in-cheek way(like I would say my husband continued molesting me with a little undertone of glee!), rings lots of bells for me that are not good. Continuing on in this vein is only going to make you dislike it MORE.

      Getting off my soapbox now.

    2. Email me sometime if you want.

  2. "I have been saying I don't like it for a long time...and he still does it. He says it's not selfish because he is doing it for me"

    How can it be doing it for you when you don't like it? and if you don't like it why does he keep doing it? have you asked him?

  3. While I do think then when you say I gave up my No, that it should mean that, at the same time, it is not okay to continuously touch you to see if you like it now. It sounds like he hasn't understood the importance of this yet.
    I guess would take the vagina and vulva area off the table for now.

    I think Conina said it much better than me, point it the same I think: If you are thinking molest when he is touching you, something isn't right in a not good kind of way.
    Email me if you want to chat more!

  4. So he seems under the impression that by being submissive you simply like whatever he does where he takes control and does what he wants to do. And he's decided that by protesting you're not being appropriately submissive.

    What he needs to understand, as I learned over time as a dominant, is that submissiveness varies among people as significantly as their personality. Just as we learn each others' detailed likes and dislikes as our relationship continues, we find out what works and doesn't work in our sex lives. Your pleasure in being dominated does not change that simple fact: You enjoy some things, but not others. He should respect this.

    Throughout my relationship with my submissive wife I have come to learn and appreciate the nuances that come with bringing her pleasure. When you don't have submissive tendencies yourself it's hard to understand how complicated it can be. But because it really is complicated, it's important that as dominants and loving partners we listen to and appropriately respond to the feedback we're given and not just assume that we know best simply because of our position.

    - Conina's husband & master

  5. Okay, so I stared at this comment box for half an hour last night, and finally gave up because I just couldn't seem to get the words right. Figured I would come back and try again today lol.
    I realize that I have absolutely no context to put this post in as to why you don't like that particular activity, and I hope no offense is taken, because none is meant.

    In my crazed little mind...
    Submission is not about only submitting when it's convenient, to only the things I like to do. There is no "no" and my body is really no longer mine-to say "you can't touch me there" has become somewhat inconceivable to me. Blanket permission was given, and for him to ask permission to touch me somewhere in a certain way would go against all that D/s is to us.
    Pushing the limits and stepping outside of my comfort zone is something that I feel is essential because it is a path to growth.

    That said...
    There really has to be a point to pushing certain limits. And there's a right way to go about it for everybody involved.
    If something provokes a mental "check out" and that check out can't be reined in or avoided, then it's not really a beneficial expression of D/s.
    Ideally, submission is being there, in that moment--not checking out and waiting for something to be over.

    I really don't like being woken up to give a blow job at midnight, but he'll do it anyways.
    There are certain activities where I just can't make myself be present--I genuinely dislike them and they give me no pleasure whatsoever because they remind me of really bad things. He avoids those activities. Because he wants me there, in that moment submitting to him. Not checked out and waiting for it to be over.
    Because ttwd is about breaking down barriers but not in a manner that actually creates more barriers.

    And just because someone is in charge? Doesn't mean that they will automatically always be right.

    I am curious about your husband's point of view...

    Anyways, not sure that I explained my thought process well at all, but there's my ten cents just in case it makes sense to either of you!