(I originally was going to do these 2 posts as one, but decided for clarity sake I will do them as 2 separate postings.)
What is the purpose of a safe word?
I think of a safe word as being something you use when you feel like you are in legitimate danger. Either physically, mentally, or emotionally you feel you have reached your cut off and you need things to stop right now. For us we have red and yellow, yellow is the one I would strive for because that still leaves the power in My Man's hands, but it is letting him know I don't feel I can go on much longer.
Recently though I am running into a problem - what do I do what it's not danger it's discomfort or dislike? When it's "I REALLY don't want to do this thing" "I am REALLY not in the mood" "This is not AT ALL something on my radar for enjoyable or fun" We have words and phrases, I am always allowed to say "TIME OUT - here is what I am thinking", but the problem we are running into is when he wants to do it anyways. Whether it's spank me, touch me, hold me, have sex (havent had this one yet, but it's coming) does being a sub mean I just let him do stuff I don't want to do? Does it mean giving up my personal autonomy? He says it is trusting that he will never do anything he thinks is not ultimately for my good. And ultimately for my good might mean he wants pleasure right now and he knows that in my heart of hearts I gain confidence and joy from serving him, so he is going to force me to pleasure him or be near him or whatever.
An example of how this came up recently - we were at the mall, i was super depressed antsy having a REALLY hard time. He kept wanting to hold my hand, to touch me, and to be near me. I was FREAKING OUT everytime he would physically touch me - the more I pulled away the harder he pulled me towards him. No matter what I said or how many times I expressed "I CANT TAKE THIS" he wouldn't stop.... finally I snapped "RED, is that whatyou want???" at him... and he immediately dropped my hand and stepped 3 feet away. I felt guilty and sad...but also immense relief. We talked about it after and he apologized that he didn't let me know enough that he was hearing me and aware, but he still thinks the right response on my end would be to say "I really feel like I can't handle you touching me right now, but I will submit." I feel like that is a lie 'cause there was no way in hell I was letting him touch me right then.
Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?? We are SO new to this - I am definitely a "submissive", but I am not a very submissive person?? Like... I NEED to be dominated, I need people to tell me what to do, but I also have a very thigh independant streak that I also feel an overwhelming need to have some control. HELP! :-p