Friday, August 10, 2012

(and the purpose of a safe word)

(I originally was going to do these 2 posts as one, but decided for clarity sake I will do them as 2 separate postings.)

What is the purpose of a safe word?

I think of a safe word as being something you use when you feel like you are in legitimate danger. Either physically, mentally, or emotionally you feel you have reached your cut off and you need things to stop right now. For us we have red and yellow, yellow is the one I would strive for because that still leaves the power in My Man's hands, but it is letting him know I don't feel I can go on much longer.

Recently though I am running into a problem - what do I do what it's not danger it's discomfort or dislike? When it's "I REALLY don't want to do this thing" "I am REALLY not in the mood" "This is not AT ALL something on my radar for enjoyable or fun" We have words and phrases, I am always allowed to say "TIME OUT - here is what I am thinking", but the problem we are running into is when he wants to do it anyways. Whether it's spank me, touch me, hold me, have sex (havent had this one yet, but it's coming) does being a sub mean I just let him do stuff I don't want to do? Does it mean giving up my personal autonomy? He says it is trusting that he will never do anything he thinks is not ultimately for my good. And ultimately for my good might mean he wants pleasure right now and he knows that in my heart of hearts I gain confidence and joy from serving him, so he is going to force me to pleasure him or be near him or whatever.

An example of how this came up recently - we were at the mall, i was super depressed antsy having a REALLY hard time. He kept wanting to hold my hand, to touch me, and to be near me. I was FREAKING OUT everytime he would physically touch me - the more I pulled away the harder he pulled me towards him. No matter what I said or how many times I expressed "I CANT TAKE THIS" he wouldn't stop.... finally I snapped "RED, is that whatyou want???" at him... and he immediately dropped my hand and stepped 3 feet away. I felt guilty and sad...but also immense relief. We talked about it after and he apologized that he didn't let me know enough that he was hearing me and aware, but he still thinks the right response on my end would be to say "I really feel like I can't handle you touching me right now, but I will submit." I feel like that is a lie 'cause there was no way in hell I was letting him touch me right then.

Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?? We are SO new to this - I am definitely a "submissive", but I am not a very submissive person?? Like... I NEED to be dominated, I need people to tell me what to do, but I also have a very thigh independant streak that I also feel an overwhelming need to have some control. HELP! :-p


  1. I must say that your post touched me deeply and, quite frankly, scared me as well. So, I decided to write down my thoughts that came up when I read your post. I hope that my comment doesn't come over as patronizing or judgemental.

    In my opinion, the most important aspects in every relationship are openness, honesty (which means lots of talking) and respect. In any form of consensual BDSM or D/s relationship the latter for me means especially listening to and respecting limits.

    I think that our gut feeling is a very important tool which tells us what we need and warns us when we are about to be harmed. That's why, in my opinion, it would be wrong to ignore that feeling in order to fit to a certain ideal, which in this case is being a submissive. I used to ignore my gut feeling when it came to working hard and doing a perfect job. It worked quite well for a while but then I became sick. And so I had to learn to trust, value and follow my gut feeling which gives me early warning signals whenever I am about to reach a personal limit.

    These personal experiences are the reason why I am scared that you might get hurt if you ignore your gut feeling and do things you are feeling really uncomfortable with at the time. And I think it could not only be a bad thing for you, but for your husband and your relationship as well.

    Quite frankly, when I hear about the idea of having sex at a time one absolutely doesn't want to have sex just because the partner wants it and pushes it, that even brings up the question whether this can still be called consensual. I know that for me, it would feel utterly horrible. But this is about you. So, the question is: Do you think that it would be for your good to do this?

    To be honest, I can't really understand why your husband would want to push you like that, taking the risk of you being hurt in the process. To me, it sounds like a kind of proof that he is "really" in charge and that you "really" and fully submit to him. But then, if he is the one in charge, wouldn't it be better to put your needs first and to err on the side of caution instead of pushing things? In my opinion, putting one's partner's needs first, listening to what they have to say and making sure that hard limits aren't crossed are the things that define a real top or dom and that make him or her earn the respect and trust that a bottom or sub needs in order to let go.

    So, these are my honest thoughts on the subject. It is of course up to you to decide whether any of this helps you with your question. But I hope it does at least give you some thought-fodder to help you with your decision which way of dealing with the question of safewords is the right one for you. No matter what you do, I think open and honest communication with your husband is very important.

    1. Hi Kaelah!

      Thanks for checking out my blog - I looked at your's and it seems I have found a fellow spanking addict. ;-) Welcome!

      Wow, thanks for taking the time to type such an in depth reply. I agree with you that it would concern me if I came across this entry from someone I didn't know really well or did know and still had those thoughts! For me the problem is that A: I am very selfish B: I am a wimp and C: I am super moody!

      So, there could be days when I am like "I want to do this and this and this!!" and I love it, I thrive on it, I am so excite by it, and then the next day I am like "I HATE this and this and this, I have never liked them, I will never like that!"... Monday I am a horny insatiable beast and then Tuesday I am frigid and depressed. I am very strange. Also, My Man has never ever introduced something new without us talking abut it and me agreeing to it.

      We have never had sex when I was saying no, at least not yet. :)

      It's more like "This hurts and I don't want to do it" or "I am bored and not enjoying this"... the worst is when I am bratty and rude and angry and then when it comes time to pay the piper I'm like "I don't feel like being spanked today." :-p