Sunday, January 6, 2013
Icky icky poo....
This is pretty much me the last few days/week. It's not like that debilitating "I don't want to live anymore" kind of depression, but just a lowgrade "I don't want to live THIS life anymore" depression. And I can't put my finger on it. It's not My Man or my weight or my period or necessarily my job, although I would love to not have to care for some of the girls I do and I would love to have more time to cook and clean and be a good wife, it's not necessarily our money issues, although it would be nice to not have so much debt (and this problem and the job problem counteract with each other... making on better makes the other worse :)) I don't think it's post holidays blues - although it's possible. I am lonely, I don't feel like I have anyone in my real life who I can just 100% let loose with and be myself and feel loved and accepted, but... does anyone really have that?
We havent gone to the gym because of My Man's sched the last week and we haven't dieted because..well... who wants to diet? :-p And... yeah... I just feel BLAH.
My Man is doing a good job of being more consistent and surprise surprise that pisses me off. ;-) I am appreciative and grateful in the overall, but in the moment I am like "leave me the fuck alone you bastardly asshole." Which of course doesn't fly and then I am more pissed and... yeah. :-p :-)
You ever have those times in your life where you just feel like something needs to break? Like... if one of these areas could have an amazing breakthrough then the rest would feel better? I dunno... it used to be spiritual highs. Like... I'd have this wicked bad depression, I'd be cutting a lot or not eating or throwing up or something to lessen the inner pain, and then I'd go to a conference or a great prayer meeting or a deep sermon or an amazing book and I'd just see God more clearly and have this emotional/mental breakthrough and I'd just feel better about life? I dunno if that even makes any sense.
Right now the lie I want to believe is that if I could quit half of my job (so just keep the two girls I adore and not watch the girls I have a harder time with) I'd be happy. I'd have more time and energy to devote to house work, I'd feel better about life, I wouldn't be so stressed, I'd balance my checkbook and stop eating out and cook healthy cheap foods because I'd be happy now and.... I'd poop rainbows and fart baby kittens. :-p ;-)
So...that's where I'm at. How are you my beloved readers? :)