We stayed up WAY too late last night talking. But it was good talk I think. Even though it hurt both of us.
I used the word "fucktard" on here yesterday towards My Man. It's a word I made up when we were courting. I knew that it wasn't "kind" or "respectful", but I didn't think it legitimately hurt him or tore him down. Apparently it does. Especially me posting it here for the world to see in a place where people expect the men to be respected and instead I was tearing him down. I am sorry blogworld. I am sorry My Man. I wasn't at ALL meaning to hurt him, I just just being a little shit. I didn't mean anything by it.
We also talked about years of hurt and pain from him. We talked about how more than anyone else he needs me on his team, he needs me in his cheering section, he needs me to be his "you can do it!" person. Instead so often I am saying "You're not the best or the most capable or the brightest bulb in the box, but I'll follow you if you want to attempt and I'll be there when you fail." Or even worse I just laugh. I laugh when things are funny, and there are things he says that I think are hilarious. After last night's conversation I am realizing that he has some deep seeded needs and hurts that I exasperate when I laugh. Most of the time I am not meaning to be unkind, I just hadn't realized how deeply he cares or that he is serious. I think that really is a large chunk of it for me, when he speaks I don't always pay a lot of attention or show a lot of respect, so when he says certain things I think he is being silly or making a joke on purpose, and I laugh. I don't pay enough attention to realize that A: He is serious and B:what he is really saying.
I want to build him up and encourage him to be the man that God has created him to be. I want to be the one in the crowd shouting "YES!! That's MY man!!! He can DOOOO IT!!!" ( aaaalll niiight looong....) (*shame face* I am sorry... even in the midst of my seriousness I cannot help, but joke ;-)) I want him to know that he will always get honesty from me when he approaches me with thoughts and ideas, but he will also always get a serious listen and support in the things he chooses to pursue.
I love him, and I want him to know my love through my words and actions. I want to build him up. I want to be his biggest fan.