Boobs ache, uterus aches, crying all the time...

i had some major meltdowns yesterday.

My man took pity on me as i sobbed into the phone that i was lost and hated life and couldn't handle any "dealing with".

i think i am going to ask him to "get it over with" this morning before i have another melt down.

i seriously hate my hormones. and hope. i hate hope. because all of this could be lining up nicely for a "big fat positive" on a pregnancy test, but we all know my body likes to lie to me and i won't get one. i never get one.

**sigh** trust God's timing, trust God's goodness *mantra over and over*

Why do they always come in groups??

Why is it that I will go weeks with no spankings and then once I get one it seems like the next several days they just pile on??

Also, why is it that when I think I am "doing well" that seems to be when things I am not doing on purpose start happening?

I am very (very very very very very) scatterbrained. As I have said in the past I lose things ALL THE TIME! So, in order to keep me from losing things My Man has instituted a few rules. Mainly that I don't put keys, money, credit cards, etc in grocery bags. (I rarely have pockets and it's very convienent to drop them in a bag to take into the house.) I mean, really that is the main one. We have a place for the keys to go, we have a jar for money and cards... but the grocery bag thing has been a long time. Like... most of our marriage.

So, last night I went to the store, dropped it all on a bag, drove home, emptied out the bag, went on with my life. I took it all out - no harm no foul. (no trouble :)) Well, this morning when it came time to take My Man to work the car keys were NO WHERE! I remembered dropping them in the bag, but I had emptied out all of the bags. I checked EVERYWHERE! The trash, the bed, the couch, the bathroom, EVERYWHERE.

And then it hit me.

There was a bag I had thrown in the fridge. Another pet peeve of his is when I don't empty out the bags and just toss them in the fridge. Low and behold our keys had spent the night in the fridge.

Apparently the fact that we have gone through this so many times in the past means I don't get off easy. (He was late for work so we havent "dealt with it" yet.) And ALSO apparently the fact that I took the cards and money out of the other bag means the last spankings DID help me remember and it just hasn't sunk in QUITE far enough yet.

**sigh**

Oh, I figured out why I didn't catch them. Because when I dumped everything in the bag I was at the store. But, I needed the keys to drive home, so I dropped them in a different bag when I came home.

These seem to fit



and I saw this one in my search and it made me laugh :)

The "Real Me"

It was commented to me yesterday that I seem like a different person when I am sharing thoughts outside of my blog, than I do here on my blog.

I was super confused by this because I pride myself on being "real" all the time. A lot of the time I feel I am "too real" or "too transparent". I share things that I wish I had kept to myself and I don't try to look like someone I am not.

So, I brought this observation up to My Man and asked him what he thought about it. His insight was that on my blog I tend to share "events" without sharing what I thought about them (this is also the other person's observation, that I don't share my thoughts or emotions of these events just "here is what happened") or I share what I am striving towards. I share the me that I want to be, the "Good subby wife" that I am working towards. Not like I pretend to be her, but more like "I want to be XYZ and here is how I am going about it"

It was noted that it's "my blog", so I can share whatever and however the heck I want, but it really concerns me if I am coming across as fake or somehow ashamed of who I am and trying to stuff be back into a closet.  I am a wife. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am "collared". I like erotic spankings. I receive not so erotic ones when needed. I am a Christian. I want to be a mother. I was home-schooled. I can be a total brat in fun ways and not so fun ways. There are so many things that make me up, but I am "me". And it makes me feel awful if I am somehow not being "me" on my blog.

ways My Man is not an Alpha Male (but IS an amazing husband)

1. He shaves his balls for me. He knows it makes making love to him 100x easier, so he does it.

2. He shaves ME for himself, but that could be Alphay I dunno.

3. He takes care of me and cooks when I am sick.

4. He folds laundry. (and washes and dries)

5. He cleans the kitchen.

6. He always puts the toilet seat down.

7. He watches chick flicks with me.

8. He (sometimes, rarely, but sometimes) lets me drive even when he is in the car.

9. He lets me play with his belly fat. ;-) (rarely, but sometimes)

10. He is gentle, kind, sweet, amazing... not words I think of being associated with Alpha Males, but I think ARE important in HOHes :)

I love him. SOOOOOOOO much!!

You find Kindred Spirits in the weirdest places...

So, y'all know I was homeschooled, right? Well, I am part of an online forum (we used to call them message boards :)) where former homeschooled married ladies and moms can post and share different stuff together.

Yesterday, someone messaged me because of some of the stuff I had said and started asking me some questions... turns out she too is in a DD/TTWD marriage...and has never told anyone! *laughing* It's not something she researched and planned it just... happened because she married "one of those guys" ;-)

What a small world I live in. :)

More Book Goodness...

(If you have FB and feel like it please like her page, she needs 500 followers and she is gonna do a great giveaway! :) https://www.facebook.com/BookGoddessReviews)

Dawn is at it again!! Another giveaway, and it looks like it won't be the only one this week. :)
http://bookgoddessreviews.blogspot.com/2013/04/love-in-all-wrong-places-by-audrey_14.html?zx=e2f5de5f7165ae8f

In other news, I am reading Kristen Ashley's Dream Man series and whew... hot stuff!! :)

Update to the Epic Day/Night

So, AFTER our epicness I wrote Peach an email "coming out more" I guess...

"Dear Peach,

Hullo!!! Thanks so so so so so so so so sooooooo much for coming over last night!!! I had such a great time, both of us did, and we can't wait 'til we are able to get together again!! We love you two bunches!! :-)

I wanted to apologize if any of the comments or actions I did (or My Man :-p) made y'all uncomfortable or were rude or inappropriate. We are pretty much more comfortable around you then almost anyone we know, (like as far as people we relate to as a couple I can't think of anyone else we feel more "safe" with :)). But, because of that I just let my mouth and actions run a lot. ;-)

I referenced my blog a couple of times last night... it's a blog under a pseudonym because it's a blog about our lifestyle choices and it talks about sex a decent amount. ;-) My Man and I have realized throughout our marriage, and really hit a revelation last summer, that I need/want/desire him to really be "in charge" or as we say "the Head of House" :). In every way you can think of I thrive on there being rules and consequences, boundaries, in knowing that he is in control, so I know I'm safe. :-) Most of the time it is playful/fun (like dumping the strawberries on his head last night **does victory sign**), but there are serious sides to it too. I need to know that if I am losing it in a hormonal tantrum or am beyond depressed and wanted to take a razor to my arm that he is going to step in and set limits, boundaries  and control that I am not setting for myself? 

Even the thing where Mario asked for more cake and I was like "Well, I don't wanna cut more strawberries, but I will if you want them.", 75% of My Man being like "You are going to honor our guest and get him strawberries" was him being playful. I "get off" on him exhibiting dominance/authority in public in that way.  :-p But, there was a small part that WAS serious - he was letting me know "Hey, that was rude...here's a chance to fix it." :) On my own, I would have realized that it WAS A selfish thing to say (and did almost as soon as the words left my mouth), and it was NOT what I meant to say. Sometimes I just let my mouth go faster than my brain, and by My Man making it a "silly" thing where he told me to go cut the strawberries and he told you I didn't need help, it was a way for me to "fix" my mistake and not be mortified and embarrassed all night that I was rude to Nathan.

Does that make sense? I hope so!! I also hope it's okay to say... :-p We have had some not exemplary situations where we shared this with someone and they flipped out thinking Ben was being a jerk to me or that we were doing something unGodly or something... we REALLY love y'all and want you as our friends, and if you have questions or concerns we are totally open to talking. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to know, but it's also so hard for us to not be open. We are trying to use discernment and not make y'all feel weirded out.. :-p :-)

I know this email is already long, but I did want to add one more thing... we live this way because, I GAVE My Man that level of authority. We even had a little ceremony for ourselves when he put my "collar" on my neck (the silver chain I wore all last summer/fall and the celtic knot necklace I wear everywhere now). Where I was giving him my submission and he was giving his protection and responsibility for me. . It's not something we think is "The Biblical way"- like we don't think husbands get to order their wives around because they are the man and they say so. (We do believe in  Biblical submission, and we try to model our relationship after what The Bible says, but we don't think the levels we take it to are necessary for a Godly marriage :)), we don't think that husbands have the RIGHT to do a lot of things My Man does for me. Its a gift? It's something I have given to him, I have asked him for, it's a gift he gives to me (his protection) and a gift I give to him (my submission). I am not an abused wife, he is a not an abusive husband. He does everything he does through servant leadership, or at least he tries to :). He looks out for my best out of love for me, he tries not to do anything or require anything out of selfishness or spite. He loves me and cherishes me. I am a VERY VERY cared for and cherished wifey. :) I am very loved! :) He is VERY patient and gentle and kind to and with me... I just wanted to make sure that is said!! The situations I mentioned before people thought that meant Ben was behaving like a cold dictator and I was his sniveling slave... and that's not how we roll. :) AT ALL!! If anything I yell, scream, and hit him for no reason *laugh* He is an amazing husband...for realz! :D ;-)

Hope this all makes sense and it's too much information and... yeah... maybe we can talk while the guys are setting up or the 4 of us could hang a little after the meeting or... something? :) I want to make sure we're still friends. :-p :-)

LOVE YOU TONS!"

So, I was on pins and needles before church wondering if she had read it... when we got there is was kinda anti-climatic ;-) She just said "I got you're email, we're not weirded out at all, we love you guys and whatever floats your boat. I am trying to submit to Mario, just not in such a formal way" **laugh** I am grateful it went well...and that we have a couple in real life who we don't have to feel odd around :)

EPIC Day/Night

Wow, so much to say I am not sure where to start!! :-)

So, remember my post from 2 days ago about My Man "asking" me to do a chore or I'd be spanked?

I did it!! The kitchen was sparkling when he came home, but the rest of the house was so trashed. It had been for a long time. We both just had mental blocks about it AND he was working a lot. I mean like, can't walk without stepping on trash or dishes or clothes - REALLY bad!! So, My Man had asked me a week ago to invite our closest "couple friends" (a couple we love lots!) over for a game night, and I did. Well, the "night" was upon up and we basically had 6 hours to clean the house.

WE DID IT!!!! My Man is a trooper and amazing and pretty much worked non-stop... okay not NON stop... before we started I asked him to spank me to help me push through the day, and he did...and it was so good we ended up having AMAZING sex and then I had 2 orgasms with my "buzzbuzz", one of them with his finger inside of me and I orgasmed with tears and sobs and... it was pretty much EEEEEEPIIIIC!

So, it took us about 5 hours all told, but our house looks AMAZING!!!!

(I realized the couple needs names because they will come up sometimes on here... hmmm.... Mario and Peach because I cannot think of a good couple to portray them as and the girl is SO cute she makes me think of Toad from Mario, but I Don't wanna call her Toad. ;-))

Mario and Peach got here, and I was wearing my "big collar" and My Man was wearing his "Because I'm the Dom that's why" shirt (we both got teased, Mario said I'd been "let off the leash" to which my man replied, "I barely ever use one" ;-)) the guys played Lara Croft, we all ate dinner (they had pizza I had a french bread and turkey sandwich - mmmmmmmm), then we played "Munchkin Quest" EPIC game that took us like 3 hours - I WON!! ;-)

A few things happened that were funny, one was My Man did something in the game and thought he won and was like "Victory!", but... he actually lost, so we were teasing him. After the initial teasing it just because this thing where when someone would do something good or bad we'd do his little victory gesture, well after a few times he was like "No more Young Lady." With an evil grin. And a minute later Peach does the gesture and he twacks ME on the head! I was like "Hey! You misbehave and *I* get disciplined!!" Mario said "Peach, she is your whipping boy." It was hilarious.

 The major thing though was, during the game I prepared Strawberry Shortcake for everyone *except me I had rice cakes and GOUDA! Yummy!!!*, after a bit Mario asked for a second slice (I had said there was more if anyone wanted some) and I popped out "Well, I used up all of the cut up strawberries and I don't want to cut more, but if you want some I'll cut some more."  *face palm* I LEGIT did not mean to be that rude, it just popped out. Mario of course was like "It's ok" and Peach was like "I can cut them!", but My Man immediately stood up behind me and said "She would LOVE to fix you another slice, and thanks Peach, but she doesn't need any help. She is happy to do it!" OMG, I was mortified, a little pissed, and SO turned on!! *laughing* So, I stood in the kitchen making faces at My Man, but only Peach could see, and saying things like "I'm being SUBMISSIVE" and after I presented Mario a beautifully crafted dessert I took the "trash", the leaves and stuff, and poured them onto My Man's head. Oh it was ON!! *laughing* Peach immediately covered her eyes and said "I am NOT LOOKING!" My Man dragged me back into the kitchen (I was laughing and shrieking it was HILARIOUS!) and talked in a low voice to me, and basically told me he was gonna give me some swats, but if I did anything else was gonna switch me in front of them!! I was legit blushing. Oh my goodness... :) So, after we came back out we continued the game and there was much laughing and stuff.

Then, we watched the pilot to the anime Cowboy Bebop - it was okay, the fun part was being with M&P.

After they left My Man said I'd almost earned myself a spanking, but was gonna give me a reprieve, but... my tummy was churning and I felt like I needed the release, so he spanked me and THEN we had ANOTHER epic lovemaking session (I started these new meds to help my body ovulate, so maybe they are increasing my sex drive too?? :))... it was an amazing, wonderful, epic GREAT day!!!

Free Book Giveaway!!!

http://bookgoddessreviews.blogspot.ca/?zx=690344fabec4211a

My friend Dawn is an EPIC reader, she reads more book than anyone I know (and that is saying a lot 'cause I, and My Man, read a LOT :D) She has a great giveaway on her blog and it ends at 2am est!!! She doesn't have a lot of entries yet, so there is definitely a good chance you could win!!!\

She is also just really great at writing reviews, she has edited SO many great books and... she's just a great bookaholic!! :D

Should an HoH....

be "allowed" to say "Clean XYZ by the time I get home or I am going to spank you."

If this was not something was already specifically agreed upon??

We have a blanket "I do what he tells me", but... we had a huge fight over this this morning...

And I feel overwhelmed and depressed and angry. I told him I might have done it had he not threatened, but now I just wanna go to the mall and spend money and leave it because he doesn't deserve for me to do it now. :-p

I am doing it, but I really dont think it will be all done.

Weight Update (no pics yet :))

I am down 10lbs from Jan 1st :)

I am eating between 1600-1800 a day recently... although last week I had a 3000 calorie binge day **shame face**

I have been getting to the gym like 2x a week in the last couple of weeks, but I hope to double that by month's end :) I usually do the 30 minute circuit most of the way and then treadmill for 15 - 20

I know it's not much, but I am proud of me and My Man is proud of me :)

Life lately and a bit of bravery...

So, our lives have been pretty much unchanged lately. He works, I take care of the girls, we are both trying to eat better and exercise more (he has dropped like 20lbs!! I am SO proud of him).

We have our second appoitment with the fertility doctor this week. Well, *I* do, he has to work. And this led to a hard discussion. I made some comment like "So, are we pretty much just going to accept whatever meds she wants to try." (since intially he had said he wanted to attend the appoitments with me so it was a "joint decision") and he had a strong reaction of "No, of course not! We can barely pay our bills etc etc etc" and all things I think a HoH should be aware of and concerned with, but it left me totally blindsided because we have been talking about the fertility doc for years, we have talked many times in the last few months, he approved me setting up these appointments. I felt like a child who was told "We are going to the pet store, we are finally going to get a puppy!! Pick the one you want!" and then after falling in love is told "Oh we aren't buying him today, we'll buy him someday when you are older." **crush** Now, after some more discussion (and BTW, I am very proud of myself I did not lose it or spit the venomous things I was thinking or anything. I tried very hard to hear him out and not get angry or hysterical) it turns out he is still in faith for this, it's just he had thought the timing would be different. Plus, his work is not where we had thought it would be. (The company merged with another company and all raises and promotions are on hold until at least start of Summer) I am fairly certain that we will go ahead and start meds if she is willing, but I think he just needs time to process and work through. It's been almost 4 years and I am SO ready for the next step in this journey. :)

All that said... I am very grateful that last night I did not have any babies of my own. It was a bad one. I am a bit proud of myself though, I wrote this email to my small group leader from church, of course I did not mention to her ALL of the measures My Man used to calm me down, but I felt like I did a pretty good job of being open about the authority he has? Ways we related? I dunno... here is the email:

(My Man was supposed to attend Men's Group, but I flipped out so bad he decided to stay with me)

"My Man will not be there. I'm sorry. I had an epic meltdown and he's hanging with me :)"

her reply "Oh no so sorry!!  Let me know if you need specific prayer or hugs from"daughter" & me too!! Try & enjoy this beautiful night!! Call us if need us!! Xoxo K"

The email I am proud of :)
"Aww, thanks K!! It was a myriad if things, not eating enough because of this diet competition I'm in(I have 28 days to drop 10lbs and gained 8 in the first 3 days :-p),

 the activity I had planned for the girls for the day was closed when we got there so I had this mega bad attitude to deal with from the 6 year old and it lasted for over an hour ( seriously need help in knowing how to deal with this.. Pouting crying yelling throwing stuff not obeying and it went on and on and on because she was sad about the activity being cancelled. I could deal with each thing "I know you are so sad but you still have to obey.." " you're  having a bad attitude, its ok to be sad but you need to stop yelling" etc and we'd have 5 minutes where she was fine and the. She'd start crying or yelling again.)

I didnt communicate effectively with My Man about the night and was "mad" at him for"deserting me" when I was so stressed and worn out (even though I knew he was going to men's meeting 24 hours before)

An to top it all off the 10 year old dumped her orange slushy ALL over the front seat and it got on my clothes and in my hair and all over the seat and... Yeah

So I guess if we were being "Christianese" I was not being joyful, selfish, fretting, etc. but if we are being realists I couldn't control myself anymore and needed my husband to tell me "you are going to stop screaming and crying. You are going to eat dinner. You are going to let me hold you. You are going to the gym so you won't feel guilty I made you eat dinner. After we get home you are going to shower and snuggle with me and watch tv. I am your safe place and you can fall apart on me, I can take it. But you can't hit me or cuss at me or throw things at me and I'm not letting you go off alone to continue your pity party" ok so he was a lot more gracious and patient but he was that firm and pretty much said all of that. ;-) and I needed that. I'm one of those women who really needs a strong man to tame my wild side. He actually told me tonight I resembled a psychotic insane murderous person lol! ;-) I was pretty horrible and he loved me through it. And now I have thanked him and he smiled and said he loves me. Haha.

Sorry he missed men's meeting :-)"

I pretty much told her what went on...what I did not say was he threatened to drag me from the car by my hair into the restaurant and sit there until closing if I wasn't going to eat. He told me he didn't want to have to spank me because I am covered in busies from the day before, but if he had to he would. And he did give me a LOT of love and kisses and hugs and...basically tried to make the world a better place :)

We broke my butt...

He spanked it as hard as he could and it just doesn't hurt. Now my thighs still have a lot of sensation, but my butt is like leather. It's like I can feel that something is hitting it, but it doesn't feel like anything until it's super hard and even then it's more like a "kiss" with no sting.

*sigh*

Now, the "stripies" still get through, but they don't feel GOOD.

And I will say this... I am pretty much sopping wet. **halo**

But I still has the wickeds. :-p I don't have a submissive feeling in my body. I want it back.

3 word Meme that's been going around...

1. Where is your cell phone?  It's plugged in
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Hubby's Da Bomb!
3. Hair?  Grazing My Butt
4. Your mother?  Much bitterness there
5. Your father?  I've got two
6. Your favorite item(s)?  My Pink I-phone
7. Your dream last night?  Sexy Spicy Spanks
8. Your favorite drink?  Chocolate Chocolate Milkshake
9. Your dream guy/girl?  My Man's It :)
10. The room you are in?  Messy Livingroom, blech
11. Your fear?  Never A Mama
12. What do you want to be in 10 years?  Loving On Babies
13. Who did you hang out with last night?  My only Man
14. What are you not? Skinny. Rich, Fertile
15. What's outside your window?  Other Apartment Buildings
16. One of your wish list items?  iPad Fully Loaded 
17. What time is it?  Twelve Forty Afternoon
18. The last thing you did?  Brushed My Teeth
19. What are you wearing?  Penguin Shirt, Leggings
20. Your favorite book?  Bamboo & Lace
21. The last thing you ate?  Popcorn Last Night
22. Your life?  Better Than Deserved
23. Your mood?  Need Serious Spankings
24. Your car?  Beloved Grey HHR
25. What are you doing at this moment?  Fill this out
26. Your summer?  Fun Nanny Activities
27. Travel plans? DragonCon, Beach, Florida
28. What is on your TV screen?  Some Cooking Show
29. Last time you cried?  At The Gym
30. School?  It hurts remembering

My Easter Eggs

So, yesterday I asked My Man if he would decorate my butt for Easter. It took a little convincing, but he eventually obliged and got into it. *grin* I loved his workmanship, such an artist! ;-) Then we did something we never do and had sex on the heaviest day of my period. It felt good to be doing something new and to actually desire intimacy even during my period. *grin* Sorry, no pictures - My Man doesn't love it when I post the pics and I am starting to realize that it gives him even more joy when I submit to his preference then when it's an order. :)

Sorry I have been so quiet for the past 2 weeks... I just don't feel like I have anything to say. I am still the same weight, still not pregnant, still a spanko. ;-)

Oh, a little piece of news is that I am writing a book. I doubt it will be any good, but I am having SUCH a good time writing it... it's kinda fun when I reread it back to myself to see a story that has everything I want and crave in a good book. ;-) I always laugh at authors when they say that the characters took them somewhere they didn't expect to go, but it is SO true... it's almost like I type a paragraph and read it back to myself saying "That isn't what I said I was gonna write, but I LIKE IT!" ;-) If anyone would like to be in any stage of the the editing/critiquing PLEASE let me know!! If you are on Wattpad it is Confessions of a GHG :)

Today is supposed to be in the 60's and I am thrilled. I love sunshine and warm weather... if I had my druthers it would be in the low 80's all year :)

I never did that question thing, but I wish I had, so I'd have something to talk about. If anyone wants to give my a springboard of things to talk about please do!

Unless you a spam bot, then you can go away... I do find it hilarious that you ADVERTISE yourself as spam though "Here is my web-site - Blow By Blow Scam " on my post about blow jobs... ;-)