Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Life lately and a bit of bravery...

So, our lives have been pretty much unchanged lately. He works, I take care of the girls, we are both trying to eat better and exercise more (he has dropped like 20lbs!! I am SO proud of him).

We have our second appoitment with the fertility doctor this week. Well, *I* do, he has to work. And this led to a hard discussion. I made some comment like "So, are we pretty much just going to accept whatever meds she wants to try." (since intially he had said he wanted to attend the appoitments with me so it was a "joint decision") and he had a strong reaction of "No, of course not! We can barely pay our bills etc etc etc" and all things I think a HoH should be aware of and concerned with, but it left me totally blindsided because we have been talking about the fertility doc for years, we have talked many times in the last few months, he approved me setting up these appointments. I felt like a child who was told "We are going to the pet store, we are finally going to get a puppy!! Pick the one you want!" and then after falling in love is told "Oh we aren't buying him today, we'll buy him someday when you are older." **crush** Now, after some more discussion (and BTW, I am very proud of myself I did not lose it or spit the venomous things I was thinking or anything. I tried very hard to hear him out and not get angry or hysterical) it turns out he is still in faith for this, it's just he had thought the timing would be different. Plus, his work is not where we had thought it would be. (The company merged with another company and all raises and promotions are on hold until at least start of Summer) I am fairly certain that we will go ahead and start meds if she is willing, but I think he just needs time to process and work through. It's been almost 4 years and I am SO ready for the next step in this journey. :)

All that said... I am very grateful that last night I did not have any babies of my own. It was a bad one. I am a bit proud of myself though, I wrote this email to my small group leader from church, of course I did not mention to her ALL of the measures My Man used to calm me down, but I felt like I did a pretty good job of being open about the authority he has? Ways we related? I dunno... here is the email:

(My Man was supposed to attend Men's Group, but I flipped out so bad he decided to stay with me)

"My Man will not be there. I'm sorry. I had an epic meltdown and he's hanging with me :)"

her reply "Oh no so sorry!!  Let me know if you need specific prayer or hugs from"daughter" & me too!! Try & enjoy this beautiful night!! Call us if need us!! Xoxo K"

The email I am proud of :)
"Aww, thanks K!! It was a myriad if things, not eating enough because of this diet competition I'm in(I have 28 days to drop 10lbs and gained 8 in the first 3 days :-p),

 the activity I had planned for the girls for the day was closed when we got there so I had this mega bad attitude to deal with from the 6 year old and it lasted for over an hour ( seriously need help in knowing how to deal with this.. Pouting crying yelling throwing stuff not obeying and it went on and on and on because she was sad about the activity being cancelled. I could deal with each thing "I know you are so sad but you still have to obey.." " you're  having a bad attitude, its ok to be sad but you need to stop yelling" etc and we'd have 5 minutes where she was fine and the. She'd start crying or yelling again.)

I didnt communicate effectively with My Man about the night and was "mad" at him for"deserting me" when I was so stressed and worn out (even though I knew he was going to men's meeting 24 hours before)

An to top it all off the 10 year old dumped her orange slushy ALL over the front seat and it got on my clothes and in my hair and all over the seat and... Yeah

So I guess if we were being "Christianese" I was not being joyful, selfish, fretting, etc. but if we are being realists I couldn't control myself anymore and needed my husband to tell me "you are going to stop screaming and crying. You are going to eat dinner. You are going to let me hold you. You are going to the gym so you won't feel guilty I made you eat dinner. After we get home you are going to shower and snuggle with me and watch tv. I am your safe place and you can fall apart on me, I can take it. But you can't hit me or cuss at me or throw things at me and I'm not letting you go off alone to continue your pity party" ok so he was a lot more gracious and patient but he was that firm and pretty much said all of that. ;-) and I needed that. I'm one of those women who really needs a strong man to tame my wild side. He actually told me tonight I resembled a psychotic insane murderous person lol! ;-) I was pretty horrible and he loved me through it. And now I have thanked him and he smiled and said he loves me. Haha.

Sorry he missed men's meeting :-)"

I pretty much told her what went on...what I did not say was he threatened to drag me from the car by my hair into the restaurant and sit there until closing if I wasn't going to eat. He told me he didn't want to have to spank me because I am covered in busies from the day before, but if he had to he would. And he did give me a LOT of love and kisses and hugs and...basically tried to make the world a better place :)

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