Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Good, The GREAT, and the U-G-L-Y

So, I wanted to blog on the last week or so. Really the last 4 days. :-)

Sunday - So there were a few things that happened on Sunday..

1. I woke up in the morning, and before I even had really opened my eyes I had a really strong feeling that there were parents in my church feeling overwhelmed by condemnation. Like, that they felt like they were such sinners/losers that they didn't "deserve" to tell their kids about Jesus or how to live betters lives. So, I emailed my pastor about it, and he asked me to share it at church. It went SO well and I was so encouraged and SO GRATEFUL that there were a few people who told me after that they had been feeling that way and it encouraged THEM. :)

2. After emailing my pastor and dropping My Man at work I went to the library and found out that they have some really encouraging books on marriage and for women who are struggling with feeling like God isn't present in the midst of trial. AND I got a really strong desire to read my Bible more and pray more. :) AND I got a strong desire to fast meat and pray more specifically for my family. They have some things going on that really concern me and I feel like I can't control it and I get anxious and REALLY angry at my parents, and I was convicted that God is WAY bigger and loves them all WAY more than I ever could and He is in control. So, I fasted meat Sunday after lunch until Wed after dinner. :) I think I am going to try to fast meat at least one day a week until Easter. I think. :)

3. I started rereading Cherise Sinclair's "Shadowlands" series and as I was reading I started thinking about all of the ways I can bless My Man. A lot of ways I can encourage his manliness and leadership in our family. I know it sounds funny to have gotten this from fiction books, but I did. :)

4. That night his work comped him a hotel room AND he got off 3 hours earlier than he had anticipated, so we were able to have a sweet evening together. We didn't actually have sex, but we had a good time. :)

Monday -
Monday I was able to go pick up my "baby sister" whose birthday was this week and take her home with me for a few days. She is actually going home tonight. :) We went to IHOP and the Dollar Tree and then we picked up My Man and we all came home and just hung out. My Man went to the bedroom and started watching Netflix and My sis and I hung out. Oh it was President's Day, so I didn't have to watch the girls. :)

Tuesday -

Tuesday was Baby Sis' 10th b-day, we went to Chuck E Cheese's, picked up pizza on the way home, and I showed her Sims 3. She has been playing non-stop. ;-) My Man stayed in bed watching Netflix. He had been going to do laundry, but I forgot to fill up the laundry card.

Wednesday -

Wednesday, yesterday, omg... it was a rough little day. :-p So, I got up, and almost immediately went to Harris Teeter for super double coupons week. Baby Sis and I were gone for 1.5 hours. We came back at 12:30 and My Man was sitting on the couch watching tv and eating pizza with my bro. I mentioned that there were groceries left in the car, but they weren't urgent. He never got them. I ate soft pretzels and cheese sticks and ramen. Somewhere in there he went to the bedroom and came out with a fierce look on his face. Letting me know that the ornament I had placed in a laundry basket and stepped on a week or two ago and said I would clean up the broken glass...well... it was now all over the bed because I DIDN'T clean it up and he dumped out the clothes to use the basket (or so I would fold the clothes, this distinction was a high point of contention later in the day) and it all fell out. He told me to go clean it up, I explained to him I had to leave to pick up the girls AND I wasn't totally ready yet. I could tell he really needed to "deal" with this so we could move on. :)

I felt like the correct response (and so my sister wouldn't see him about to wallop me ;-)) was to go back to the bedroom and kneel on the bed so he could spank me. *I* expected his hand and "a few" swats. He immediately picked up that new crop, and I then expected 3 lightish stripies. Not his idea. After 3 it hurt, and on 4 and 5 I started saying "anxiously" "Please please please please" which TO ME is my version of "yellow" (and I would later find out it means yellow to him too). After 5 it stopped, so I was like "Thank you Lord, he is attuned to me, he is listening to me, he --- FRECK!!!" he placed two more vicious hits to my upper butt (which hurt more anyways) I immediately jumped up threw the basket that I had been leaning on and screamed "FUCK THAT!!!" and then started shaking and crying. I WAS SO ANGRY and SO SO SO hurt (it hurt physically, but I mean emotionally) in my mind he had utterly betrayed me, he wasn't listening, oh my goodness even retyping it now and knowing what I learned after my stomach is churning and I wanna cry.

We then had this intense fight where we talked and yelled and basically came to the conclusion that he DID know I was saying yellow and didn't stop. Now, I will stop here to let you lovely readers know what I DID NOT know until that night... I think he tried to explain at the time, but I was so upset I couldn't process it. We both knew I was screaming yellow...what we didn't know is yellow means different things to us. To ME yellow/Please sir means "Pause, I am approaching panic attack levels and I need to breathe before we finish this. I am not trying to take the reins or dictate how long this spanking lasts, but I need a break. Please check with me before continuing to make sure I am okay." to HIM it means "I am approaching panic attack and can only take a few more." To both of us "red" means "I am panicky stop immediately" I think :) To ME it means "this will not continue, we are 100% done you fucking bastard" OR "Something went wrong we have to stop this immediately I am in danger" I this he sees more of the second one ;-) I think the reason "red" means the first to me is because to me I have already given the indication of yellow and we are in red because he didn't listen.

Basically, I left for work a few minutes later, calmed down enough to say "I am sorry I got so angry.", but I was still SO hurt that he apparently KNEW I was saying yellow and he didn't stop. and NONE of the times we have used this hideous crop has he apologized for the fact that is hurts exponentially worse than anything else we use.

So, went to watch the girls, we went to the mall, it was fine.

Came home and he had done loads of laundry, I carried more groceries in. I went in the bedroom and found out he hadn't cleaned up any of the glass. I thought there were several reasons it would have been right and good for him to clean it up (I struggle around sharp things and they make me want to cut, he dumped the bin on the bed and that is why there was glass there, he was home in the hours I was gone etc etc etc) He was again watching tv, but he was folding clothes while doing it. . I cleaned up the glass I could find and came out and got dinner for him and my sister. About an hour later I found out the plate I had fixed him the food in the center was cold and he wanted me to heat it. NO PROBLEM except he didn't tell me an hour before he just stayed in the room watching tv. At this point I was famished, I hadn't eaten meat in 3 days, I was stressed out, it was bad.

So we all go back to the bedroom to watch Hotel Transylvania and the bed is COVERED in clothes. I fully intended to fold them while we watched, but it was so covered there was absolutely no empty spaces to put folded clothes. He has specifically asked me not to throw the clothes on the floor, so I tossed them all in baskets, thinking if I got some of the clothes gone I'd have space to fold. Only I was so tired I just...didn't.

Movie ended Sis and I are out in the main room and he comes out proclaiming that I had promised to fold clothes and hadn't done what I had said and a lot of other stuff. I followed him back to the bedroom and we just fought and fought and fought...eventually I had enough and I came out here, grabbed the car keys, and just drove away. I drove for over half a hour and then I came home. He had barely noticed I was gone, didn't know I took the keys, but we had both cooled down enough (me in below freezing temps ;-)) to snuggle and "move on" we talked more and read and basically I didn't get to sleep until after 3am, but I think we still love each other and he is still frustrated by the messy house and I am still hurt that he holds stuff over me and...yeah... we';re okay, but it was a VERY sucky day.

Hopefully today will be better. :)

Love - Young Lady

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