Why He is hard to submit to...

(I couldn't figure out if I should title this why he is a bad dom or why I am a bad sub, so I split the difference :))

I have been planning this entry for weeks. It isn't a good "last entry of the year", but I have been needing to get it out and I finally have the time tonight. Although, I am on like 2 hours of sleep and am VERY emotional, so it may not be very coherent. :)

Let me start by saying I Love This Man. He is an amazing caretaker, he is generous with his affections, time, and money as long as I approach him with my need rather than taking it or demanding my "due". He is sweet, tender, hilarious, and good-natured. He is a hard worker - his assumption is that he will go to work and work until the job is done. (whether his schedule reflects that or  if he is sick or... whatever. He is a good provider.)

I will also state up front that I am not a good wife. I am selfish, emotionally led, very high-maintenance, not a very long-term thinker when it comes to my desires. (Like if I want it today, it's very hard for me to say no because it means we may be short on our finances at the end of the month) I am mean and easily angered. I have lot of faults that do not make me a good candidate for submission. (of the wifely or otherwise sort :))

All of that said... he confuses me. He (and many on here) ask why I constantly test him... it's because he changes his response based on how he is feeling or maybe, if I am being generous here, it's based on how he thinks I am feeling? Like there isn't any one thing in our relationship that has the same consequence or response without fail. I can hit (not hard, never marks, it's to defy not to hurt) him on Monday and he swats me, Tuesday he laughs, Wednesday he gives me a self-piteous look and asks why I am so selfish and mean towards him, Thursday he walks away, and Friday he hits back. (not in an abusive way)

Spanking etiquette, oh my word don't get me started, I have learned, especially over the past 6 months, that if I am "good girl" and stay still for a spanking and "Receive it well" he will just keep going and going and going... if I fuss a lot and am very verbal he is easier on me, but if I start twisting around and moving WITHOUT FAIL.. .he stops. Not immediately, but VERY quickly and I don't know how to say "I want you to force me down, I don't want you to take this from me." *sigh*

On top of all of this... I don't have a lot of "respect" for him as a person. Fondles asked me earlier this week if I feel respect for him... and it's a hard question to answer. I feel gratitude. I feel love. I feel pride. I feel happiness. But, to me respect means like... you think of this person as someone you want to emulate or someone strong and... I dunno, I think of soldiers and men from the Victorian era who would fight for a ladies honor and then ravish her with or without consent. Not like a rapist just... I dunno. It probably stems from the fact that as long as I have known My Man he has been younger and less mature than me. Like, I was 10 and he was 6 when we first we aware of each other. He was a high school freshman when I was going to college and working. He's just always been...young. And add to that he enjoys juvenile things (comic books, cartoons, video games) and makes decisions very differently than I do. (his default is "screw them, I am going to do what is best for me and what I think is best." while my default is "I want to make sure everyone around me is taken into consideration and to be doing the right thing socially.") I don't know how to EXPLAIN IT... it's like anything he does that I think is weird, or dumb, or gross is because he is younger. (we both pick our noses in private... he eats his boogers. ***GAG***) And, I don't know how to grow that or encourage his growth in the areas I need. 'cause when he tries to be a "grown up" my default is to laugh at him or mock him for being "fake"

And don't even bring up religion. We both grew up in conservative evangelical Christian households. He had an overall good experience and I had a... less than good experience. So, we even approach God and church differently and that can lead to a lot of judgements and stuff as well. I can tend to think he isn't being his own person and is just a sheeple. While, he can think that I am just emulating someone I met on the internet or being irrational about things.

And I don't know what to do. I feel like because he is a good man he would never divorce me. But, I don't feel like he LIKES me that much. And why would he?? I am a constant burden and change my emotions and needs and desires more often than I brush my teeth. (literally) He loves me, he is dedicated to being the best husband he can be, and he would never leave me or forsake me, but... I can feel like he isn't happy being married to me and would be better off alone or with someone else. And I get scared that I will never be able to be the woman he needs and he will never be able to be the man that I need. Because I don't know what I need. Maybe we need to go the other direction and be totally autonomous individuals who are more like roommates who have sex and share a bed while still being responsible for themselves in every way. But, I'd never make it. I can't support myself financially or emotionally or otherwise. I need support and direction and help... but I guess I don't know how to receive it? I wish there was a way for the power and control to just be ripped away from me. Where I couldn't change my mind based on the day about what I want and need. Where he could just make the decisions and I could follow them... and we could just live that way. I think we'd both be happier in the long run. But I can't let go. And He can't take the reins.

**sigh**

After writing this I feel like an epic failure who should just go throw herself down a flight of stairs and save her husband from the agony of trying to bear with her anymore. :-p I don't see any hope. And I hate that. I hate feeling hopeless with nowhere to turn and no way to climb out of my pit of self-pity and despair. *sigh*

And yet... I am glad we started this journey...even though I feel like a total fuck up I also feel like the good we have gained from this DOES outweigh the frustration and heartache. I don't want to divorce my husband anymore, I just want to make it better. Us better.

I give up...

I have poked, prodded, provoked, preened, practically pleading to be paddled and NOTHIN'.

**sigh** Oh well... We did wrestle on the kitchen floor where I got to bite his thigh and head butt his crotch. **still laughing** That was a good ol' time.

I think My Man just needs to get used to working again. I am sure once I start up work again next week I won't be in the mood for anything but sleep and vegging out too.

instead i'll google to try to fill my need... and go read Club Shadowlands... and eat pizza. :)

**DYING LAUGHING* I found this under a thing for "First world problems"

I SO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL!

I cleaned...

The kitchen and the bathroom.

The rest of the house still looks horrible, but at least I did something.

Oh, you want to see?? Well okay...

I also bagged up 3 bags of trash :)

Dom/HOH types again...

Would you be upset if your significant other donated $10 to a needy family without consulting you?

What if you had a "rule" that she consults you before "spending money". To me $10 isn't a big deal and it was for a good reason.

He isn't "mad" he just felt the need to lecture a lot.

Word Vomit....

This is going to be a jumble... :)

1. We had an amazingly blessed Christmas. I like to write out what we got, so here goes...

From him to me - "Submissive" T-shirt, a GORGEOUS collar, Kick-ass boots, a new printer :D, cute silver dangly heart earrings, a little pill case that was supposed to be for my credit cards, but he misjudged the size - it has a pin-up type picture of a guy spanking a gal :), in my stocking there was twix, olives, hair stuff, glow sticks ;), make-up, lotion, shower gel, deodorant, umm... i THINK that's it :)

From me to him - 3 t-shirts, "Because I'm the Dom - that's why" (With handcuffs), some kind of video game "Naughty Girl Paddler" thing, and the one I created "I Spank My Wife" and the  back "...and she likes it", An external hard drive, socks, a shoulder bag to carry his laptop, Season 1 of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and then in his stocking - Candy, a my little pony board book, a paddle ball and hand clapper thing to try as implements, deodorant and body wash, a dollar computer game :), canned peaches, cough drops, cologne, and i THINK that's it :) OH! I remembered - I gave him 3 "vibrating cock rings", we tried one Christmas eve and it didn't do much, but we'll keep trying :D

From others - Sims 3 for me and Undignified (or something) for Ben the Xbox360 from my bro, movie tickets and a 2013 Entertainment coupon book from my folks, Chipotle giftcard from my sis and bro-in-law, Applebees giftcard from my lil' sis and bro, AMC giftcard from another bro, nailpolish from my baby sis, My grandma gave us a bag of stuff (cooking stuff, candy, socks, disposable razors (this is all I used to cut when i was a cutter, so i don't know if these will stay in the house...) and $50 each :D), his mom gave us 2 REALLY cool books she made with pictures and notes from his family history for the past 100 years, a new ornament, and a yummy "Monkey Bread" mix that had a sturdy lil' wooden spoon on it ;-), his married sis and her husband gave us a giftcard to Logan's Steakhouse, his sis crossstichted me this AWESOME sign that says "Young Lady's Kitchen", another sis gave us glass bottles of coke and Reeses Pieces :), his bro gave him a John Grisham book, his baby sis gave us some REALLY nice headphones, his Grandma gave us a lot of household goods (canned food, paper towels, toilet paper, etc), his dad gave us (in addition to paying the $500 deductible for the car insurance) an AMC giftcard, a $50 mastercard for me, and a golf membership for My Man, and his other grandma has a gift for us, but i dont know what it is yet. Oh my bio-dad gave us $200 bucks. :-o (100 2 weeks before Christmas and 100 for Christmas)

We are VERY blessed! :-D

2. I can't orgasm. The last week it builds and builds, I am CRAZY horny (ALL THE TIME), it feels amazing when we are having sex or buzzing, but it never "tips". I have had quite a few fits the last few days. :-p My Man wants to put the hitachi away for awhile and try smaller vibes to see if maybe a slower more focused build will "tip" me. PRE-hitachi it would take a long time, but eventually I'd GUSH. Like soak through blankets sheets mattress, and then when we got the hitachi I started O'ing a lot faster, but didn't gush anymore... and the last 6 months or so the orgasms have been getting less and less impressive. So we may try that.

3. We will have insurance in 5 days!! *health* I AM SO EXCITED!!!! Not only can we check on the infertility, but we can get my knees and ankle and the lump on my neck and maybe even my physical lack of anything when it comes to sex so much of the time checked out. :)

4. I feel emotionally depressed and don't know why.

5. We saw Hobbit and Django - LOVED DJANGO!!! :D Hobbit was good.

6. We are having friends over on NYE, so I am supposed to be cleaning today. IT's a lot easier to say I am gonna clean then to actually do it. :)

LOVE HUGS AND KISSES!!
YL

A short post to say...

and

and posssssibly....

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (tell me what it means to YOU)

Last night My Man and I had a(n insanely) long conversation and throughout the conversation he kept saying he wants "respect" from me. I kept telling him ways I show him respect (thanking him for being such a hard worker and provider, speaking highly of his care for me in public, etc), but he kept saying "I love that, but you don't respect me."  He kept saying "Respect means "yes sir" when I say something." Which... I do. So, I don't get it.

What does respect mean to you?? In terms of your relationship with your husband/top/dom/whatever? In general?

It was definitely easy to walk away from our conversation feeling like "respect" means "do whatever i tell you to do except in those strictly defined situations where you are trying to get spanked." Or even more to mean "believe things about me that are not true."Like that he is the "strongest most dominating presence I have ever met and there is no one who compares to him." I don't know... we have these conversations every few months and I get discouraged and confused each time.

It all started because the words "You're just pretending to be dominant" slipped out of my mouth, and when I say slipped it was like the words came out and before the "ant" was out I was already looking physically shocked. I didn't mean it to say he isn't an amazing husband or that I don't love and respect him, but I just abhor falseness or fakeness. And at that moment he was pulling out a persona that isn't himself and comes across very...fake. I don't know.

In other new we are starting our Christmas celebrations today. We are going to his Grandmother's about 3 hours away... I am so exhausted and worn out. I feel like I am never gonna make it. :-p

My Man is...

Funny

Sweet

Kind

Cute

Cuddly

Wise

Forbearing

Smart

Handsome

Thoughtful

Creative

Fun

Strong

Selfless

Generous

Happy

Mellow

Hard-working

and lots of other things!! And I love him lots! :)

What To Do When Your Dommy Hubby "Eff's Up"

So, remember that entry awhile back about not texting and driving? And how I said he does it and he said he pays attention and only does it when traffic is stopped?

Weelll.... the 3 cars in front of him tonight would  beg to differ.


He is okay, but VERY sore. The car he was driving is his dad's, it's in the shop, it'll probably be about 500 bucks for the co-pay on the insurance (or I guess with cars it's a deductible?), and that happens to be what his dad was gifting us this year. (SO generous!)

Basically he was in bad traffic, and reading. Then traffic started going up a hill and as he drove up the hill he "glanced down" at his book... and didn't realize traffic had stopped. He swerved and braked as much as he could, but the left light to the driver's door is pretty messed up and something with the breaks?

There is so much to be grateful for, and to start with I was ONLY worried and gracious. Just holding him when I got there (since he was in his dad's car our car is fine and I could go get him and wait with him for the tow truck), but then as he read the whole time I sat with him and the whole time I drove him home I started to get angry. Plus... it was really tempting that because of his foolishness I lost my Christmas money. (we split money we get) I can say objectively that I should be grateful (and in my heart I really really am), but there is still anger and hurt and annoyance to work through. My TEMPTATION is to remind him of what he has already admitted over and over. That I have told him so many times not to read and drive etc etc etc, but that wouldn't serve him right now. And honestly... it wouldn't serve me either. I wouldn't be building into the love and respect I am trying so hard to grow for him. PLUS, I would be devastated if he ripped me a new one if the tables were turned.

He just keeps telling me he is so sorry, and it's 100% his fault, and HE keeps saying "say you told me so. You did. You are right. I don't pay attention. I shouldn't read and drive." I can see how badly he feels. And I DO forgive him, I think between my period and not getting dinner and just being so scared for him today I just needed a little venting time. And now i am mostly okay. :)

Apparently we are getting more serious about the not texting/reading/emailing while driving now. I think it's gonna be harder for me than I wanted to admit. I texted Fondles while actively driving today. Not even at a stop light. *blush* Hopefully this will motivate BOTH of us to do better.

My Man is OFF TOMORROW!!!!

Actually, he is off Sat AND Sun!!! I just have to give a HUGE shout out to my amazing husband!!!! He worked like 9 or 10 days straight because I mentioned that we never get the weekend off together, so he told his boss he'd work straight through, so he could bless me that way. And this week has SUCKED as far as sleep and stuff for him.. 90% of the time he works 2pm - 10pm, so our schedule is very much a stay up late/sleep in late kinda deal. He has a REALLY hard time adjusting to different times (I take sleeping pills, so I am more flexible :)), THIS week he was supposed to be 6am everyday, so he is on 2 hours of sleep today, and for most of the week has been on 4 - 6.  I can't wait to pick him up from work, bring him home to a yummy dinner (NY Strip steak and rice) and then let him sleep for 14 hours! ;-)

Tomorrow he is making me go to a ladies brunch with the ladies from church. Yuck. It's at 10am, it's women I don't know that well, and he won't be there. I HATE doing stuff with church people without him. :( Unless it's one on one girl time I really don't like doing much of anything without him.

We are hoping to do our Christmas decorations this weekend and he says he'll take me to the movies..we'll see.

My spank tank is dry. ;)

Not related my fave t-shirt I've seen in a long time

It says "Kiss me <>Then<> Spank Me! I', Irish and I'm naughty" ;-) ;-) ;-)

Rambling for the sake of Rambling...

I feel like writing, but don't really know what I am wanting to write about. So I am gonna word-vomit and then whatever seems to be a popular topic (for me, interesting and popular for me. What I want to hear myself talk about ;-)) will get the bulk of the writing.

I got to give my 14 year old sis "The Talk" a few days ago. She took it very well and we have been laughing about it since then. I am glad. I didn't want to be the one to scar her for life.

Does anyone else bleed after sex? It's just in the last 6 months, if we have really vigorous sex I have blood for a time or two of using the restroom after. And cramps. Like baby menstrual or ovulation cramps. I get them for a few hours after. But not "down there", more like under my belly button. Very weird.

Also, does semen make anyone else itchy?? If I don't wipe out really well after it gets burning and REALLY itchy like an hour later. If I go to sleep before "taking care of business" the next morning is QUITE uncomfortable.

I was a decent girl this morning. I emptied and loaded the dishwasher before sitting down on the computer. Our house is so trashed again. *sigh* We are legitmately talking about hiring my uber clean organized sis to come once or twice a month to clean for us.

The whole diet/exercise thing is really hard. The diet is harder for me than the exercise though. I can't just eat salads for the rest of my life and even "good" things like boneless skinless chicken breast have a bazillion calories. *Sigh* I have not had any sweets though. Like no ice cream or sweet tea or candy. I did have some gum... I wish the gym was closer to my house and I didn't feel scared going alone. My Man works hard at work, so he doesn't like to go to the gym every day, he will for me, but he is so tired I hate to force him. It's also hard because My Man doesn't need to diet - he just needs to work out. (need = this is what he has chosen ;-)), and I am not a great "alone" person. Also, getting lose calorie foods from fast food or cheaper sit down is almost impossible. And cooking isn't always possible. Ugh. I wish this were easy. I guess the good news is that I REALLY like going on the treadmill now. I don't go very fast, but it DOES relax me and that is a new thing. I am noticing on the days where I don't work out I am more depressed. hmm....

I want to go rent a small cabin or house or something for a week. Nothing fancy, just somewhere we can be alone and noisy and relaxed. I want to do kinky stuff, do normal stuff kinkily (like cooking naked :D), read, watch movies (I want a place without cable, so we are forced to watch movies or old tv shows...we both have so many things we want to watch with the other, but with so many shows to "keep up on" we never get to those), play card and board games, and just... exist. without anyone else. Without any responsibilities. Just love being together again.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT CHRISTMAS!!!! I got My Man some cool stuff and I know he put a lot of thought into my gifts this year, so I am pretty stoked!! :-D I am NOT (NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT notnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnotnot) excited about travelling to visit his family. Our current schedule is - 22 his maternal grandparents and aunts uncles cousins etc in a small house with a dog and a lot of cigarette smoke (i have allergies)(like 6 hours round trip one day), 23 his mom, 24 his dad, 25 home in the morning and my fam and Grandma in the afternoon (excited about this), 26 paternal grandparents with aunts uncles cousins his siblings (not other kids so they will be excited to talk to us the whole time :-p ;-)) (we are either doing 6/7 hours in one day or spending the night not sure) Then the 1st of Jan is my Dad's brother (i LIKE going there ;-)) and sometimes in Jan or Feb is Mama's family (I like this too...it's my family and less stress ;-)) I think I am stressed because I feel like his family (His Mom's mom especially) judge me. I am overweight, I am not a good "housewife" or cook or everything else I SHOULD be, and it's loud and hot and... there is no one my age either place. Like his mom's family it's people over 60, his mom/her wife/his uncle/his wife, and then his siblings and 2 cousins who are 11 and 14? His cousins are fun to talk to, and maybe I can talk them into playing cards or something. :) At his dad's it's his grandparents *80's*, his aunts and uncles *60's*, their random friends and stuff, and his cousins who are actually my age RARELY come and if they do they don't talk to me. And his married sister who is my age... I don't want to say she doesn't like me, but... it feels like she looks down on me and... SHE CUT ME OUT OF THE FAMILY PICTURE!! Sorry.. this is a new thing I haven't even told Ben... There is a picture of all the "girls" and I was in it, and my hair is STILL in it, but she cut me out...and then tagged me "I love you too, Young Lady!" So... maybe she cut me out because I looked bad and she was trying to be kind or maybe I really wasn't in that shot and it just looks like wisps of my hair in the corner... I dunno... I am just stressed about seeing all of his family. :-p

I guess that is enough rambling... I could go all day. ;-)

I need...

Hugs


Kisses


Stouffer's Mac and Cheese


And a decently hard hand spanking...
(not at all what I planned, but who can resist spanked Smurfs? ;-)

It's one of "those" weeks...

Where My Man has to work crazy early hours

Where I am super hormonal, so I shift from hot to cold in seconds 

Where EVERYTHING makes me angry (and sad and scared and depressed and...)

Where no matter how much or what I eat I still feel empty and hungry

Where the girls I nanny are driving me BONKERS (could  be due to number 3 :))

Where no matter how many hugs I get I still feel lonely

Where it would be a relief to get my period 'cause then I'd at least have a reason

Good Girl Update...

1. I scrubbed the kitchen floor and the whole bathroom (except for inside the tub) today! Yay! :)

2. I have gone over calories most days, but not too too much, and I figure I am eating less than I WAS and exercising more than I WAS, so it's gotta be doing good even if it's slow going. :) Last night I had a Roy Roger's Roast Beef and Large Fries - OH MY GOODNESS!! I have not had Roy's in over a year and it was like a foodgasm. I called My Man at work, so he could hear my moaning... he didn't care as much as I did. ;-) I go to the gym when I can. My Man is so busy it's hard to get there.

3. My Man is working crazy hours because of the holidays, so we are more in exist mode this week and next, but that's okay. :) I "earned" 3 spanking a few days ago that we had to forego because of schedules and busyness...and I am okay with that too. ;-) I have been working hard at not doing any read/writing on my phone while actually driving. It's really hard!! I had not realized how much I have been sending short messages, reading short things, and even just trying to find the song I want. It's hard, but everytime I catch myself I put the phone down. :)

4. I think overall I have been more of a joy rather than a curse, but we'll have to see what he thinks. :)

Morning Funny...

This is not related to anything recent, but I saw the pic and immediately thought of myself.

This is me after My Man tries something "new" sexually that does not end up like he had promised...

A Panic Attack of a Different Kind

So, I've been doing well the last few days exercising and eating enough, but tonight I WAS HUNGRY!! I think it's because I normally eat  gradually with the most at days end and today I ate a 650 calorie lunch, so I didn't have as many calories at night.

At midnight I was already at 2400 *supposed to be 2000* and pulled out a 300 calorie snack (4 pretzels and a pack of 90 calorie lunch meat) and he took them away. Well... tried. I was pretty attached. And then I started SOBBING. Shaking sobbing "Please don't take my food! Please give me back my turkey". Eventually he let me eat them and now I am very happy (although I want to go raid the fridge and eat everything in sight)

I guess we are still battling my food demons. :-p

These memes say it better than I do...






this was not me tonight, but it is sometimes ;-)

A New rule???

I will preface this by saying I feel VERY loved and protected and cared for right now, so the whining tone of this post is 95% for fun. :)

As long as I have been in the TTWD/DD circles I have seen women talk about how they texted while driving and got busted. My Man reads and texts while he drives, so I never gave it a second thought. But I was always jealous of their protection.

Soooo tonight I was driving My Man home tonight (we decided I can be subbie and drive him, so he can read and that is serving him and therefore subbie ;-)) and got a text from my bro. My Man had just commented 2 minutes before that I am WAY more aggressive and confident of a driver than I used to be. He likes the confidence, but was a bit shocked at the agression. I told him he taught me, so he cannot  complain. So, as I was replying to my brother's text I said "See... I text and drive too! I'm a wild woman!" He ripped the phone out of my hands, grabbed my ponytail, pulled hard, and said "NO MORE!" and I said "But we don't have that rule." *practically rips my hair outta my head* "We do now young lady. No Texting While Driving. Do? You? Understand?" I basically mumbled something about it never being a rule before and this is unfair and he does it, but eventually said "Yes Sir." And as I complained about our new rule I told him I feel very protected. :-)

I not allowed to read, reply, or otherwise have anything to do with texts or emails unless I am at a red light completely stopped. I have a feeling this will not be a rule I adhere to very well, but we'll see... it might be easy. *raised eyebrow*

Some Firsts...

We watched porn together. I guess it's porn "spanking videos"?

I was unimpressed by the people - I hate fakeness - but the spankings were legit. :)

I don't know how I feel about this. We have a big no porn rule, which turned into no visual porn, but porn in word form is ok, and today we watched this together.

We had sex while I watched it.

I buzzed while I listened to it. And I have a mini-O.

I don't know whether to feel guilty or dirty in a good way.

I just don't know.

Another first is we successfully negotiated with both parties leaving happy and feeling like The Man was in charge. :) He wanted me to eat 300 calories for breakfast, I talked him down to 199 by promising to eat 300 calories over the day. The goal is 500 by 8pm this time. ;-) I guess that's what I was at yesterday. My daily min is 1500 and max is 2000, I eat a lot more at night than I do during the day.

My Man is off of work today and is gonna help me nanny. Yay!! They listen WAY better when he is there. :)

OH not a first, but I have had a lot of spankings so far today. Apparently I need a lot of help being good. :-p

How My Man helped me to attain "good girl status"

quoted from a conversation with Fondles

"Apparently a longer than usual spanking, wipes the slate clean, and apparently clean slates automatically equate to good girls, and good girls get decent orgasms"

;-)

For those who want more than that...

He came in and rubbed my whole body (I stripped to be ready for him), he talked a bit about how horrid I've been and how we both need this. He spanked me hard with his hand for what felt like forever - I was REALLY sensitive tonight and screamed a lot. I'm normally fairly quiet. Then he brought out his switch and started doing fast sharps hits all over my butt and thighs. I asked for a break, and he did, and then he started over with his hand and then told me that I was going to receive 20 stripes and could I take that for him. I did. Ouch. :)

Then he asked if I wanted him to fuck me - I did. He asked if I wanted it fast. I did. He kindly fucked me from behind, so it was fast AND I didn't need to lay on my butt. He commented on how WARM my butt was on his cold tummy. :-p ;-) It felt amazing. THEN when he finished I asked for a buzz. He told me I was a good girl and good girls may have a buzz. He started in doggy, but I quickly asked to flip over and hold it myself, and then I did something I RARELY do and asked him to put his finger inside of me to help. And it really DID!! It felt very good!! :D :D :D

Now I am cooking Mac and Cheese and getting a chicken breast ready. He also bought my favorite type of lean pocket and lettuce and celery for me, so I don't have any excuses to be below calories and so he has a fast thing to tell me "Ok you're 300 below go eat a hot pocket please." and I don't have a reason not to obey. It's a good plan. I had a bit of a freak out in the grocery store, but he informed me in NO uncertain terms that I am dieting HIS way, HIS timing, HIS calories, HIS exercise and he doesn't give a damn if it's not fast enough for me... it made me wet in the grocery store. *blush*

I feel well loved, well chastised, well cared for, and... strangely submissive. I shall now go sit on the floor by his chair and watch tv with my head on his lap. *grin*

How Does He Know???

How does My Man know the right things to do and say??

He doesn't have a phone or internet today, and yet he called from the office phone to ask if I am ok and if I am eating. I am now at 500 instead of 300 calories. (Bas/Mr. Woods, see an improvement, 500 at 8pm instead of 300... though it was 300 until he called :-p)

Amazing how 200 calories (half a chicken breast and 10 baby carrots) can perk a girl up. I still feel like I'll never be the subbie wife he needs, but I don't feel quite as hopeless.

I want a break

This is like the giving up post 2...

I want a break. I want to leave the car at his work, hole up a roach motel for a few nights and just... breathe. Not be a wife. Not be nanny. Not have to be anything. Just breathe, cry, take hot baths, scrub every inch of my body until I feel good and clean...and breathe.

I wanna hop on a plane and fly to somewhere random, like Chicago or LA, and just exist where no one knows me and no one cares.

I give up.

Right now I feel like maybe I should just quit.

He is always going to be married to a selfish, self-willed, horrible woman. I am not made to be submissive. I don't have a submissive bone in my body. I am strong-willed and contentious and evil and I can't do this!!

But I don't know if I can go back to "plain old vanilla marriage" where... where what?? As a Christian I still think wives are supposed to submit to their husbands, so either way I am screwed.

Maybe this goes deeper than a "lifestyle choice", maybe I am not only a failure as a subbie, but as a wife and woman and human being.

And I feel like as I share who I really am on here people just see how evil I am and then they hate me. They can see I am selfish and bad to the core and they don't wanna be around me anymore.

I wanted a picture here to represent how I feel ,but they are either too light-hearted or too dramatic/dark.

A Letter To My Man

Dear "My Man",

I love you.

I am sorry that I have been so wretched the last few days. Er, week. Or...however long it's been. :)

I do love you bunches, and I Really really DO want to be good. I'm just not very good at it or conditioned for it or...well, it's not very fun to be good. It's boring. Even though I love to take care of you and do things for you and make you happy. I am so selfish that I feel like I HAVE to be naughty and get your negative attention or I'll DIE!

I still have nefarious plans about my dieting, but they are more a test of myself than a test of you. :-p :-) How about we employ the rule of "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies"? :-D It makes me feel big and strong to eat little. It makes me feel like I could actually be one of those beautiful porn star type people. Even though I know I'll always be your "well endowed" Young Lady, for those few moments or hours it makes me feel important and impressive.

As for the "subbie business" I will try harder. Fondles can continue training me in the jedi arts of being subbie and lifting up my man. ;-) And I'll get there. I just need to know that you actually need and want that. I feel stupid kneeling at your feet or laying my head in your lap. It makes me feel silly to look at you doe-eyed when we're in private. I don't want to give up control in the bedroom because I don't like so much that happens in there. I want to be able to be in control so that I can say "There, not there. Yes No Stop Don't"... but I think you are right that as long as I am calling all of the shots we aren't moving forward. I am scared to go anywhere new. And I do trust you in a vague sense. I don't trust you in a specific sense because you've burned me so often in the past. (not literally we are not into that :)) I want to trust you in a more real way. So, maybe if you hold yourself way way way back and are pushing very lightly and loosely at my limits I'll be able to let go more fully. And....itmightbeagoodideatocuffmebecauseidontthinkIamcapableofjustlettingyoumolestme. *blush* And if I have a little panic attack, I have a little panic attack. We can work through it. Doing what you do and backing up 3 steps and giving me a second to breathe is PERFECT, but I think in that case (when you're not causing me pain), it's ok to come back and keep going while assuring me I am okay. :)

I love you, Hubby. I really really really do!! And, I want to be the most excellent Proverbs 31, subbie, wife you've ever met.

Love,
Your Unsubmissive, but VERY cute, Young Lady

Question for the guys out there (Bas? ;-))

Do you care what your lady eats?? Would you be upset if she was at 300 calories by 8pm?

I feel fine...

(well, i did until he spanked me a lot and now i'm eating dinner. buzzard.)

My Version of The Evening...

(I finally convinced My Man to write on here - WOOT!! I wouldn't be it's gonna be common, but at least he is doing it!! I can't to see what he has to say :-))

BEWARE: Long, Wordy, and Boring - I am sure My Man's entry will be more concise and interesting :)

Soo.... today pretty much SUCKED!!! I was really out of it for a lot of the day, and then I made My Man some lunch and woke him up. (He had to work the 6am shift and took a nap right when he got home) After waking him up we started wrestling and stuff... ( and he spanked me for the negative post on here and made me say I was beautiful over and over) it was ok. He really wanted sex, I wasn't feeling it, but I felt like we hadn't had sex in forever, and I missed him so I went along with it. :) We played FOREVER before he finally stuck himself inside me... and it felt really good and it was obvious he was gonna finish in record time and then HE PULLED OUT!!! And he started playing with my clit and inside. He said he didn't wanna finish too fast, so I pulled a "Young Lady" and played dead. He smacked my boob, inadvertently hitting my nipple so hard I got tears and well...it pretty much ruined it. We were able to finish eventually, but we were both pretty pissed.

We stayed pissed through dinner and driving and... the rest of the evening. After dinner we came home and I said I wanted to stay in the car for a bit and he said he wanted to stay with me, but wouldn't bother me. So then I said "Well, I'll go inside" he laughed and said "Sure!" and I left.

I felt betrayed or uncared for because I had been telling him all night I wanna cut. And he still let me just leave. I did have a moment of "He trusts you to tell him if you are gonna hurt yourself", but I pushed it away. I came inside and scraped my arm with a brush several times til it was nice and red and then started doing the dishes. I called My Man to tell him he could come inside now and then he asked if I was good and I basically said "There wont be marks tomorrow."

He came in and lectured but was basically just sad. I want him to get mad sometimes! I want him to react. I want him to be horrified that I would mar his possession. After fighting him a lot he got up to go get cuffs, I got a mechanical pencil and dug it into my arm as hard as i could and scraped 3.5 lines into my arm before he got back. It didn't bleed, but did break the skin? I just wanted to feel like I won. I wanted to prove to me and him that he can't actually stop me or protect me. I dunno what I wanted.

But it led to a super long talk and a lot of various things coming out. And I cannot for the life of me figure out how this happened, but he ended up getting his hands on his long switch and smacking my butt whenever I said stuff he didn't like. :-p My butt has more stripes and marks on it right now then it has in our whole relationship. But... it feels loved too. :)

Eventually it came out on both sides that we felt like maybe we should go back to him being more in charge and me being more "subbie". I fight against it because I hate what "dominant and submissive" brings to my mind, but he said that's basically what I want and we don't have to call it that, but he is hesitant to just say husband and wife lest he give the impression he thinks all husbands can beat the shit outta their wives. ;-)

So... I don't really know what this will mean except that he is gonna try harder to give me rules and take charge and i am gonna try harder to submit and ACTUALLY submit not just try to get a rise out of him? He says he wants to try to do a "scene a week" which I am not excited about because I don't really like that stuff, but it DID turn me on at times at the start of the summer and I don't have any answers, so I am willing to try. Part of me feels like if I don't have the control then maybe I can let go and really experience sexual pleasure. Who knows??

I am not sure what he is writing, so this may have nothing to do with what he is sharing. :) But, I can't post this until he posts his, so I'll just keep talking...

I am sticking to my diet. We tried to go to the gym and it's closed. :( We forgot they close on Sunday nights. Oh well, I guess we'll go tomorrow? Speaking of tomorrow I am having a Christmas Party for the girls I nanny - cookies, milkshakes, decorations, Christmas carols, we are gonna play games, and they are gonna play Mario Party and Raving Rabbids on the Wii for the first time. :) My Man will be home to help control the chaos. I am really interested to see A: If they behave better at my house, B: If they behave better when My Man is around (they all adore him :P), and C: If I am more in control when he is watching... we'll see!! :)

Alright well he is done, so I am gonna go read!! :)

From Her Man

Hello, This is Her Man,

It would seem that the time has come for me to post here on my Young Lady's blog. First, I want to express gratitude to the ladies who read this blog. This whole exercise in creative writing has been a wonderful thing for Young Lady, and I am grateful for all of your encouragements. This has proven very cathartic for her, and I intend for her to continue posting regularly, (even if she does use this space as a place to bash me - she needs a consequence-free place to vent, I certainly don't allow this behavior offline :).

I would like to note that, due to major stresses at work, and (to be perfectly honest), my own failings as a Dom/HOH/Husband, I haven't been giving Young Lady the attention she deserves. The rules have been inconsistent, depending on how tired I am, and everything has been out of flux. As a result, our relationship, our communication, and our sex life, have suffered. Young Lady needs consistency to feel cared for, and she's been acting out a lot as a result. Well, that stops today. We tried to have sex, had a fight instead, the hurt feelings lasted through dinner all the way home. In the end, Young Lady tried to hurt herself with a pencil - something I will not tolerate. As we were talking through her behavior and why she was struggling, she repeatedly told me that I "don't care about her." As we talked, I realized that my lack of consistency in requirements and punishments seems to be a primary reason why she doesn't feel cared for. So we were in the living room, her resting on her stomach, and me sitting down, pinning her legs. I had me plastic switch (from an old venetian blind), and we spent a great deal of time with me applying it to her backside to show her how much I cared. I fully expect to see welts tomorrow, and even the next day.

We ended the time with more talking, and a recommitment to our relationship, then really good sex :). I promised to be more consistent in my expectations and punishments, she promised to be more obedient and respectful. I would like her to wear a new collar to show renewed commitment, but she is incredibly attached to her current one (my old wallet chain from high school), and I don't have the heart make her change (I'm a softie).

I promised her I would post this story, because she has been begging me to make an appearance on the blog. I don't intend to be here often, because this is suppose to be a place for her to tell her side of the story (regardless of its bearing on reality).

But there it is.

My Best to everyone,
Her Man

In Response to my Negative Post

My Man took it upon himself to spank more for the negative post. And to add insult to injury he made me say I was beautiful over and over and over and over and slapped my butt everytime I got it right and smacked my thighs and hips everytime I said something wrong. :-p

He is allowed to believe I am beautiful. He wouldn't be a good husband if he didn't think I was attractive to him. But... I am not. I have never been very pretty and the older and heavier I get the less it gets. He'll read this and say I obviously didn't learn my lesson... I learned what he wants to hear. :-p

Why are relationships so hard??

Why is it that sex is SO hard for us?? Like we just have such a different way of thinking about it and of approaching it.

Why is he such a dingbat? Is there any girl in the whole world who likes her breasts smacked/nipples hit?? There probably is since last time I asked the question "does any woman like" I got a lot of people saying "YES!"

Why does he insist on doing things to me to try to "give me pleasure" THAT I DONT LIKE!?! You'd think after 3.5 years he'd get the memo that I DONT LIKE BEING TOUCHED DOWN THERE!!! I allow it because he loves it so and yes, it does help lube me up a little, but i don't like it. I don't enjoy it. And that should be enough.

I know I am like one of 5 women in the whole world who hates foreplay, but I really don't like foreplay. And when I do it for him, I expect the intercourse to be so fast we barely knew we had it. My perfect sex would be 5 minutes from the door to my buzz. :-p

I feel...

better now. After puking and taking a hot bath. Icky!

I also feel...sentimental. Sad. Wondering. Lost. Lonely.

I am looking forward to the point in my cycle when I am horny and excited again. Less lethargic and sad. :-p

I am an idiot

I was eating spicy food and my tongue was burning, so I downed a LOT of milk... like 600 calories/48 ounces worth of milk.

There goes my diet.

I feel so sick. :-p

My Man is amazing...

I was thinking about how I tend to talk about My Man on here and when I am talking to certain people who I assume know I am joking. I use words like "jerk" "loser" "bully"... and I don't actually believe that at all. YES there are times he can be any one of those things, but as a general state of being he is not at all.

He is protective - which I LOVE!!! I LOVE that he wants to take care of me and keep me from harm. Actually one of my biggest complaints is times when he doesn't seem to care what I do and that makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. And that isn't the case at all.

He is funny - he makes me laugh, and enjoys laughing with me (and at me). Sometimes he has a sense of humor that I just don't GET, but that doesn't make him childish or immature - it just means he is finding joy and laughter in a situation I don't. And I am not one to talk... I laugh at ANYTHING feces related. My closest guy friend before I got married used to say my entire family was into the "scatalogical" ;)

He loves me. Like He REALLY REALLY loves me. He wants to make me happy in anything that will not harm me or our marriage. If I wasn't "into" this lifestyle - he wouldn't do any of it. He is not a naturally bossy or take charge kind of person, but he has cultivated these parts of himself in order to be the best husband for ME. :)

He is cute. He isn't a 25inch waist, he can't life 500lbs, he isn't the tallest guy God ever made. But he is ADORABLE!!! I love his butt. I seriously just could squeeze and play with his butt all days. I also love his man boobs. *grin* They are actually pretty small as far as man boobs go, but if he didn't have any I'd be very sad. I am literally getting wet just typing about them. Imagining stroking his nipples - mmmm :D

He is encouraging- he doesn't like to tear me down. He loves to build me up. He loves to tell me things about myself that he loves or appreciates. When he says negative stuff it's almost always for my betterment and RARELY in the middle of a fight after I have slung a lot of insults at him. But overall he is very encouraging.

He is honest. He doesn't lie to me and I really really really value that.

He is faithful. And I don't just mean he doesn't kiss or have sex with other women, when we are out and we see a hot girl he appreciates her, but he WANTS me. Like... he genuinely feels proud (most of the time) when we walk into a restaurnat or store or club that he has ME. I don't get it, but he truly makes me feel like the only woman for him. :D

I think that's enough for now... :D

I GOT TO TALK TO FONDLES!!!

She has a BEAUTIFUL voice and the cutest accent I have ever heard!! But she speaks so CLEARLY!! I feel all giddy and happy!! 

So, now that I am all giddy from talking to her I am going to take some of that energy and do the laundry and clean some. (poop) :-p ;-)

Love and rainbows!