(I couldn't figure out if I should title this why he is a bad dom or why I am a bad sub, so I split the difference :))
I have been planning this entry for weeks. It isn't a good "last entry of the year", but I have been needing to get it out and I finally have the time tonight. Although, I am on like 2 hours of sleep and am VERY emotional, so it may not be very coherent. :)
Let me start by saying I Love This Man. He is an amazing caretaker, he is generous with his affections, time, and money as long as I approach him with my need rather than taking it or demanding my "due". He is sweet, tender, hilarious, and good-natured. He is a hard worker - his assumption is that he will go to work and work until the job is done. (whether his schedule reflects that or if he is sick or... whatever. He is a good provider.)
I will also state up front that I am not a good wife. I am selfish, emotionally led, very high-maintenance, not a very long-term thinker when it comes to my desires. (Like if I want it today, it's very hard for me to say no because it means we may be short on our finances at the end of the month) I am mean and easily angered. I have lot of faults that do not make me a good candidate for submission. (of the wifely or otherwise sort :))
All of that said... he confuses me. He (and many on here) ask why I constantly test him... it's because he changes his response based on how he is feeling or maybe, if I am being generous here, it's based on how he thinks I am feeling? Like there isn't any one thing in our relationship that has the same consequence or response without fail. I can hit (not hard, never marks, it's to defy not to hurt) him on Monday and he swats me, Tuesday he laughs, Wednesday he gives me a self-piteous look and asks why I am so selfish and mean towards him, Thursday he walks away, and Friday he hits back. (not in an abusive way)
Spanking etiquette, oh my word don't get me started, I have learned, especially over the past 6 months, that if I am "good girl" and stay still for a spanking and "Receive it well" he will just keep going and going and going... if I fuss a lot and am very verbal he is easier on me, but if I start twisting around and moving WITHOUT FAIL.. .he stops. Not immediately, but VERY quickly and I don't know how to say "I want you to force me down, I don't want you to take this from me." *sigh*
On top of all of this... I don't have a lot of "respect" for him as a person. Fondles asked me earlier this week if I feel respect for him... and it's a hard question to answer. I feel gratitude. I feel love. I feel pride. I feel happiness. But, to me respect means like... you think of this person as someone you want to emulate or someone strong and... I dunno, I think of soldiers and men from the Victorian era who would fight for a ladies honor and then ravish her with or without consent. Not like a rapist just... I dunno. It probably stems from the fact that as long as I have known My Man he has been younger and less mature than me. Like, I was 10 and he was 6 when we first we aware of each other. He was a high school freshman when I was going to college and working. He's just always been...young. And add to that he enjoys juvenile things (comic books, cartoons, video games) and makes decisions very differently than I do. (his default is "screw them, I am going to do what is best for me and what I think is best." while my default is "I want to make sure everyone around me is taken into consideration and to be doing the right thing socially.") I don't know how to EXPLAIN IT... it's like anything he does that I think is weird, or dumb, or gross is because he is younger. (we both pick our noses in private... he eats his boogers. ***GAG***) And, I don't know how to grow that or encourage his growth in the areas I need. 'cause when he tries to be a "grown up" my default is to laugh at him or mock him for being "fake"
And don't even bring up religion. We both grew up in conservative evangelical Christian households. He had an overall good experience and I had a... less than good experience. So, we even approach God and church differently and that can lead to a lot of judgements and stuff as well. I can tend to think he isn't being his own person and is just a sheeple. While, he can think that I am just emulating someone I met on the internet or being irrational about things.
And I don't know what to do. I feel like because he is a good man he would never divorce me. But, I don't feel like he LIKES me that much. And why would he?? I am a constant burden and change my emotions and needs and desires more often than I brush my teeth. (literally) He loves me, he is dedicated to being the best husband he can be, and he would never leave me or forsake me, but... I can feel like he isn't happy being married to me and would be better off alone or with someone else. And I get scared that I will never be able to be the woman he needs and he will never be able to be the man that I need. Because I don't know what I need. Maybe we need to go the other direction and be totally autonomous individuals who are more like roommates who have sex and share a bed while still being responsible for themselves in every way. But, I'd never make it. I can't support myself financially or emotionally or otherwise. I need support and direction and help... but I guess I don't know how to receive it? I wish there was a way for the power and control to just be ripped away from me. Where I couldn't change my mind based on the day about what I want and need. Where he could just make the decisions and I could follow them... and we could just live that way. I think we'd both be happier in the long run. But I can't let go. And He can't take the reins.
After writing this I feel like an epic failure who should just go throw herself down a flight of stairs and save her husband from the agony of trying to bear with her anymore. :-p I don't see any hope. And I hate that. I hate feeling hopeless with nowhere to turn and no way to climb out of my pit of self-pity and despair. *sigh*
And yet... I am glad we started this journey...even though I feel like a total fuck up I also feel like the good we have gained from this DOES outweigh the frustration and heartache. I don't want to divorce my husband anymore, I just want to make it better. Us better.