had such a GOOD record going too...

I have been a very good girl. As I have stated over and over this week.

But it was all pent up and I punched him. barely  it barely even touched, he almost didn't even feel it, but I guess he spanks on principle not on how much it hurts him. :-p

I worked out for 45 minutes tonight. That was nice. :)

I still wanna cut. :-p

I feel so boring...

I have been a SUPER good girl for days (Fondles - BE PROUD OF ME!! I bit these lips so hard they are permentantly dented ;-)), I haven't been spanked since the last time I posted about it (I want to say 3 days?), I have been pretty submissive - not like I am a doormat or anything - he doesn't want that, but I have been looking out for his needs and desires. I have been doing the diet PRETTY faithfully and exercising every day! :)

But, I feel boring. Like there is no point in blogging when I am a good girl. :-p

Sidenote - I have been struggling a lot. Like... wanting to cut, but not in a depressed way like I get these overwhelming emotions, and they feel like excitement or something, but then I have nothing to do with them. I am not acting out to relieve my stress/emotions, I am spending more time alone because My Man has to work late a lot, and I start fantasizing about cutting. Like maybe if I hurt myself it will magically make the world right? OR that if I hurt myself My Man will notice without me telling him and he will make me feel better. Which is like the dumbest thing EVER because all I have to do is say "Please help me." and he will drop everything and be there for me. I think in those moments I don't ask because I feel like there is nothing he can do to change what I am feeling, so what is the point? This is why I am so heavy - because our normal go to in this situation is "Feed her!" and there is some truth to that, when my body gets hungry I often don't register it's hunger I register it as depression or fear or excitement, so sometimes the answer IS eat. But, it's not always the answer...


Well there is my philosophical side for the day. :)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**

My Man got a $400 check in the mail. He gave it to me on my way out the door to deposit. I can't find it. This is the second check this company has sent us because the first time My Man gave them the wrong address.

I feel sick :(

I emptied my wallet and my coat. My pants dont have any pockets.

fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuckness!!!

I like this song...

Just found it today and it makes me smile... Not my normal style of music, but it made me smile :) ETA: I know NOTHING about this group or these men, they might be sucky horrible people, but this song made me smile... it's not the best quality :)

http://youtu.be/dISIe0SoJNk

"Head Of Household"

It's like Jordan and Pippen
Shaq and Kobe, Ike and Tina
No I ain't tryna beat you baby
It's like Sonny and Cher
Donnie and Marie girl
I just want you to know
Behind every good man is a woman

We gotta be a team, just me and you girl
Like Jerry and Joe going for the Super Bowl
We tryna win girl
In order to win, there's gotta be a leader
And that's me, but I don't mind sharing the light with you

Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do is all for you
Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do, I do cause I'm the head of this household

Like Puff with no Biggie
Like a car with no gas girl
My love would just quit
Without you I run last girl
She's with your family
Like Huxtables or Bradys
I just want you to know
Behind that bigger man there's a good woman
Hope your praying for me
I know you're waiting on me girl
Just wait and see where we'll be 
In about two or three or four years girls
You're the sweet of my tea
And I hope you feel me
Baby won't you stay with me
We got such a good team

Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do is all for you
Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do, I do cause I'm the head of this household

From the house to the cars
To the bank accounts
I do all of that
No matter what you need
Those things I bring and all of that
I've been the backbone all this time in this relationship
If you leave, I don't even trip
That's the way I kick it oh
All my folks say I'm stupid for that
They just jealous of you cause I don't need a ride like that
One thing I always said if I find a girl I'll treat her right
I'm saying I think that's you tonight

Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do is all for you
Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do, I do cause I'm the head of this household

Whoa....whoa...whoa

Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do is all for you
Baby I'm the head of this household
My love for you is worth it's weight in gold
A player on a team has to play their role
Everything I do, I do cause I'm the head of this household

I'm proud of me

I'm proud of me
And I hope that you are proud of me too! (sesame street or mr. rogers :)) (I think Mr. R)

I haven't had a fit all day, AND I worked out for 20 minutes, AND I stayed within my calories, AND I did some chores!!

Yay me! ;-)

Day 3...

So far so good. I am feeling submissive and loving. I also ate a good breakfast (low calorie, but enough food)

I don't want to go to work or have My Man go to work today. I wanna lay about and fool around. We haven't had sex in a few days and my vajayjay is throbbing.

I am sure I'll come home with some scandalous tale tonight, but for now. I am a good girl and I REALLY REALLY Hope to stay that way.

I don't know why he loves me..

I. Am. CRAZY!

So, day 2 of "the diet" and I completely and utterly melted down on him.

"highlights"

It took us over an hour to get out of the house because I refused to get dressed...because I didn't want to go...

After he told me "If you hit me, I will cane/switch* you and you will not get a say" I hit him and then refused to let him spank me because "It's not fair"

I called him to come get me (on his cell phone) and locked the door.

HORRIBLE!! HORRIBLE times... and then I ate. And OMG... it was like a new amazing person took my place. I then went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for over 40 minutes. And I am happy as a clam... THIS is why I am so fat and we rarely have me diet because without "enough" food I TURN INTO A DEMON!!

Didi with food - 

Didi Without Food - 

Basically....

We had a really really good talk after te gym. Actually after dinner while we were still in the restaurant I knelt down next to his seat at the table and begged his forgiveness. This pleased him. ;-)

In other news he said he MAY get a name and pop in here sometimes -we'll see. :)

The plot thickens (and an unexpected twist)

What a good hubby I have. 

today...

is a "no day".






Did I mention yet that I started a new diet? And dieting makes me cranky? Or rather that I can EITHER eat like a pig or not eat at all and My Man doesn't really approve of the first one.

Maybe if he just ignored me I'd be a very good little girl, but 

I currently have egg whites and bacon in my belly and stripies on my thighs.



And just because it came up in my image searches and made me laugh -

Am I the only one...

who upon hearing a "crazy threat" must try it out?

Example - Yesterday as we were  getting ready to meet some new friends for dinner and a movie, My Man notes that I have been rather cheeky all day. He grabs me and tells me "I will not put up with this when we are with the Smiths. If you are disrespectful when we are with them I will drag you to a bathroom and spank you with my belt."

Ok, first off, I am an exhibitionist at heart - As long as there are no minors or relatives...or certain church people around I "get off" on him exerting dominance towards me in public. So, he knows when the words leave his mouth my entire being is going to perk up.

Secondly, he has yet to follow through on a threat like this. Therefore, I must test him everytime.

I also made sure the new James Bond movie was juuuust starting, previews had ended, I timed it perfectly. And he totally ignored me. Actually he made an amazing blunder of whispering to me "Punch me again, Young Lady." So I did. Repeatedly.

**halo**

I never said I was not a brat. ;-)

And when I asked him later why he never follows through in those situations, or more to the point why he makes me crazy by making threats I know he won't carry out, he couldn't come up with much beyond "It's was JAMES BOND!" ;-)

Now to be totally honest... I love making him look good in front of couples from church, and I like looking like the submissive wifey that I want to be (and want them to think that I am ;-)), so I DID wait 'til it was dark to start acting up.

Maybe I am nuts. Maybe no one else is intrigued by threats like this...

NOTE: He DID almost drag me to the bathroom BEFORE the couple got to the restaurant we were at, but I begged and promised to be good. And I WAS very good through the rest of dinner. :)

Temptation is VERY strong....

My Man is a VERY hard worker. He left the house before I woke up yesterday and came home after I was asleep. So, he is asleep now and I am awake. And I really really really really really really want to go in and wake him up!

But, I am not going to because I love him and I want him to get lots of rest and relaxation. I am grateful he is off today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. Even though I have to work it means the maximum amount of time seeing him. And he will clean. The cleaning is WAY below spending time with him and him getting to rest - I PROMISE! But, it is a nice thought. ;-)

So, this is me actively NOT waking him up.

For Real.

At least until after 11am.  (1.5 hours away)

I do feel sick though. Maybe I should wake him up so he can tell me it's ok.

Hmm....

No. No. No.

I am letting him sleep.

Ode To My Man

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had no one strong to guide her
She'd do what she liked, to the detriment of all, and no one would dare to chide her
Until one bright day, a man came along, with courage, and strength, and wit
He looked in her eyes, held her pretty hands, and told her so gently to sit
She complied with the grace of a dove, for she wanted the man's attention
She had no desire to scare the guy off, for her loneliness did I e'er mention
She figured she'd try to be oh so good, so the gentleman would not leave her
She had no idea of the depths of her will and did not so fully beware
The goodness lasted for the first several hours and then her real self appeared
She was rude, and nasty, obstinate yes, and her defiance she loudly cheered
But, the man was ready for all that he saw, for he'd been watching awhile
He let her rant and rave all she liked, and took it all in with a smile
When she grew weary, he took her in his lap, and told her how things would be
He said "My dear, I care for you lots, so now you'll listen to me.
First thing to go are the sharp things in your room, you'll give them over to me
When you grow sad and start to despair, I'll hold you and comfort you see
Next on my list is that dreadful tongue, I see we'll have to restrain it
I'll help you to learn some new nicer words, and slowly we'll start to retrain it
I have boundless patience and oh so much love, so I'm in for this long haul
When you feel little and terribly weak, I'll stand so strong and tall."
The girl took it all in, for she knew was right, and she wanted to give her consent
But, one little thing still nagged at her mind, the secret she still hadn't vent
"I need someone one who can, how do I say this? Take me over his knee?"
She trambled as she spoke, for she'd never shared, her secret so easily
The gentleman beamed as she shared her woes, for this didn't surprise him so much
He'd already had the desire to redden her cheeks, and he didn't mean blush
And so their journey started, I'll leave the details for the later
But after Jesus, she now knew, This Man was her earthly savior.






Ok, so I know it has a LOT of flaws, but it made me happy to right it!! I am so grateful for all the My Man has put up with, and WILL put up with. And it made me happy to write a poem again. :D

I am so blessed.

I was reading an old blog of mine and post after post was about how lonely I was. How I wanted a guy who would hold me and love me for me. Who wouldn't be embarrassed by me. Who would WANT me.

And God sent me My Man.

And I am so blessed to be his bride. His precious girl. He. Wanted. Me. AND HE STILL WANTS ME! :-D

I WASNT BAD!!!

And I was NOT horrid today!! I did hit My Man once, but I really really didn't mean to and he overlooked it!! (eventually most of the day he was "thinking", but when we got home he said he believed me and I was very good otherwise :-D)

Usually after a family get together this is me -
 or more likely 

After all the stress his family gives me it SHOULD end with -
 or 

*giggle*

We took FOREVER taking pictures and I held my tongue...mostly.

We ate dinner in a loud restaurant and the kids were out of sorts and I told My Man I was stressed instead of freaking out.

We went back to his dad's house where the kids were being kinda nutso, and I sat on the couch and read a book instead of whining about leaving.

I was a good girl and deserve rewards. ;-)

I drew a line...

on my lower back. So, that he could see where it "really hurts" when he hits it... then he tried his belt again, but this time was from a close distance and me laying down. It stung and a couple were close to unbearable, but it was a vast improvement over the other day. My trust in My Man is greatly strengthened. And then we wrestled and did fun spankings to help me release a lot of the tension of the day. I LOVE MY MAN! :)

Oh, the belt was for being disrespectful earlier in the day and after being warned sprinkling iced tea on him to piss him off because he can't do anything about it at his mother's. **halo** (it was definitely in good spirits not in a "for real bad" way :))

I love him...

why are men so STUPID???

I get SO nervous around his family, I got all dressed, I picked out my outfit very specifically...the second he sees me after getting up he says "you're not wearing THAT are you?"

ARGH.

I cried and am not in a color he likes better. Poor guy felt very bad as I burst into tears.

Good.

;-)

Thanksgiving

Grateful for....

This Man - He is a blessing, a treasure, a gift, and I love love love him!!!

Hermione -Almost, if not THE, first "spanking blog" I found that didn't make me feel like it was a dirty or secret thing, but rather that I had desires that were fun and to be celebrated without being crass and gross. I <3 you, H!  

A "Red Bootied Woman"- Christina's writing style, candidness, and just love and respect for her husband makes me so happy and excited. She makes me want to love My Man more and shows that a woman can "in submission" to her man without being a doormat or a weak individual. And reading about Jim on her blog encourages me that a man can be "incharge" and protective of his woman while still loving her intensely and not being mean or unkind. I <3 this couple!! :) 

New friends - Fondler (who is not pictured on her blog, so I posted a picture similar to what I think of when I hear her name, only I think of the girl looking happy) Just showed me love and acceptance and friendship from the moment she started posting on my blog. I have been having a lot of fun getting to know her recently and I thank God for her today!! :) (she totally does have a pic, but my comp was being stupid, so ill leave both :) ) -

Kink!!! (nuff said)

SPANKINGS!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3




Giggles!! Rogue - Was one of the first blogs I ever found that didn't creep or gross me out too, it was either her or Christina or Hermione :) And I just remember reading this summer tears STREAMING down my face, my belly aching, because I was laughing so incredibly hard. Actually it must have been her first because it was a posting about her friend being grounded, and I am pretty sure it was Christina. ;-) Oh my goodness, My Man had to tell me to shut up because he couldn't hear the tv I was laughing so hard and so loudly. And she still posts things that make me laugh and laugh and laugh, but she is also real and posts the pain and the heartaches as well. I have so much love and respect for this woman I have never met and barely know, and I am so grateful to God for her today!!! *****HUGS***

Implements -

 



Viagra - 
.
.
.
.
.
.
lol!!! No, My Man doesn't actually use it, but I couldn't think of anything and I am sure many people in the world ARE very grateful for it! ;-)

Intense passion - (no matter what we look like when My Man and I are both "on" this is how I feel) -




Noisemakers - With my "passion" we really need that white noise ;-) and neither of us can sleep at night without it - 
GOD'S AMAZING LOVE FOR ME!!!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! I LOVE AND AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU ALL!!!!

New Night...

Firstly, EVERYONE thank you SO SO much for your input and advice in the last posting. I know that I am whiny and just wear my heart on my sleeves, so thank you for putting up with me.

This morning I woke up REALLY sore and had 2 bruises in the spots I was pissed about last night. But, I also had the realization that I'd gone to the gym for the first time in MONTHS and that definitely added to the pain of last night and this morning. :)

I was pretty struggly today, ended up digging a pen into my skin and drawing Xes just trying to subdue some of the inner turmoil. :-p

Then out of the blue got horny tonight, so I "raped" My Man. He didn't "finish", but we had a good time. I tried to buzz after and couldn't "finish" either. I hate this time of the month when my libido is low, or even when I desire sex I can't get very far, and my emotions are low and... yuck.

This is a very random posting. sorry. :)

Another Panic Attack.

He says it's not his fault because I didn't safeword.

Well, fuck that.

Seriously.

Is it not obvious when I am turning around after every single "swat" say "You're hitting too hard! You're hitting too high" and the bastard is telling me to trust him and then he does it just as high and just as hard.

Maybe we need a "safeword" that means "I understand that I deserve this and I am not trying to get out of punishment, but you're really hurting me and if you don't stop I am going to have a panic attack.

ADDED AT 11:30PM

We had a good conversation. But his answer to the problem is that we are "not gonna do this for awhile" because he feels like we will just circle right back to this situation. I feel like if he would just listen and communicate better than this wouldn't happen as much.

He is not a bastard. He is a good husband and I love him very much. I am very grateful for all of the time and energy he has put into learning me and my body.

I also feel like I am spiraling out of control emotionally and I dont know what to do.

The best of intentions...

So, I wrote letters to all of the girls that I nanny today, telling them each things I love about them and am grateful for. And, also telling them areas that need improvement. "Harder Child" had it spelled out clearly in hers that if she disobeys she will get a consequence.

We went to a fast food playplace, I spelled out the rules, and they had a great time. When it came time to leave however "Harder child" decided not to come, I warned her, she still delayed, and when she finally DID come she said "I was having too much fun", so I told her she'd be in a time out when we got to our next destination. Another mom in the room who had been chatting with me told me after "HC" was getting ready that she thought I had an amazing attitude, but that she thought I was TOO patient (I've never heard that before with relating to this child :-p), but that she applauded me giving a consequence. HC proceeded to tell me all of the reasons why she didnt care that she would have a time out, and why the activity she might miss part of was boring, and an assortment of other things. I offered to lengthen her time out - she declined. ;-)

Well, the next activity was a special "story/craft/meet a farm animal" time at the local library. We were a couple minutes late and the librarian told me they really needed to start and couldn't let kids in after the time limit, so I made a split decision and told HC that because of that she could go to the activity on time, but will have a time out after.

I am SO glad I did because I found out it is a drop off event and I now have an hour to myself child free!! WOOT! ;-)

Whyyyyyy???

Today is not turning out to be much better. I am just snappy and bitchy and feel SO out of sorts nad angry and pissed. AND THERE IS NO REASON!!! My period just ENDED! You'd think I'd  be in good sorts.

On top of it I am tired and today is my long day with the girls I nanny.

*le sigh*

On a positive note.

As I was posting the pics My Man took of the disaster tonight I found these AWESOME pics from Thursday night, omg I LOVE MY BOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!

 I do NOT however love my side eye :-p

If you're the praying sort...

Please pray for us. We are meeting with out pastor today, and I know he doesn't entirely approve of our D/s DD stuff, but he listened for WEEKS and now we need to give him a chance to talk. Please pray I wouldn't be hurt or defensive. Up until this point he has NEVER made us feel dirty or "bad" and I know anything he says is because he loves us. Please also pray that we wouldn't feel "guilty" I know that seems arrogant to go in saying "I know we arent wrong.", but... I am easily swayed by people's opinions of me, and I KNOW we aren't wrong here. :-p

His concerns thus far have been

1. He thinks we are replacing one thing with another as far as my cutting. And this is true to a certain extent - spanking helps me not spiral out of control, and the pain is only a part of it.

2. He thinks we are misunderstanding the Bible's "Wives submit to your husbands". Which I don't think is true because we do NOT think this is the right path for everyone or the "RIGHT" of any many to do to a woman. We just think it's right for us, and it is A way I can live our my submission to my husband.

3. I don't think he thinks it's "wrong" sexually, his view is what a man and woman do in their own bedroom for sexual pleasure is their own business, but I think he thinks it's unhealthy. He keeps saying that "bdsm originated in porn and porn is bad, so bdsm is bad"...and we just don't think it originate in porn? And we think the desires would be there even if someone hadn't shown us?

But, I may be judging him, maybe in the month or so since we have talked his thoughts have changed. I knows ours have. We are moving more into the DD light for "real life" and that wasn't as true a month ago. Actually, that would probably concern him MORE since we were trying to say it was just "in the bedroom" a month ago... and failing.

Why we told him is a semi separate issue that I will share some day. But not TOday.

Love y'all!!

The indignity....

No stripes (praise The Lord!), but The Man had the audacity to spank me as he essentially read me my list of good things "So you'll remember better".

Fondles, I know you approve. He did not like my "desparaging attitude about yourself".

*trying to hide my grin* Meanie.

*failing miserable* Mean mean man.

I feel very loved. :-]

50 Positives Take 2

DISCLAIMER: I Dont do any of these things perfectly and would prefer not to be saying a lot of them because I feel like a failure in so many ways.

1. I have amazing boobs.

2. I have wonderful long hair.

3. I have beautiful eyes.

4. I am a very confident karaoke singer.

5. I love to sing and dance during worship at church - even though no one else does and I know I look stupid I do it anyways because I love Jesus.

6. I love kids and am very good at planning things to do with them.

7. I am good at making preteen girls feel at ease and able to take to me about their lives.

8. I am good at making people laugh.

9. I am good at making friends.

10. I really care about people and try really hard to love on people that I know are hurting.

11. I am good at making meals for my family.

12. I am considerate and love to make foods, give gifts, and say things to people that will encourage them and make them feel special and loved.

13. I am sensitive to the needs and emotions of others.

14. I am incredibly good at Texas Hold 'Em. I have only lost to My Man once. :D

15. I'm an avid reader. I LOVE to read and can't wait to pass that on to my kids!

16. I already am encouraging The Girls I watch to read every chance I can. I already introduced them to books on CD and we are starting my 2 favorite books from 4th grade next week!

17. I am a good writer (when I put my mind to it :))

18. I am clever at making up rhyme, poems, and songs.

19. I love to pray for people.

20. I make kids feel like the are special and important. I treat them like adults who are worthy of my respect and attention.

21. I am able to rejoice with people even when I am jealous. (Like I get SO excited when someone gets pregnant even though it kills me inside)

22. I am good at Dragon Age. ;-)

23. I am a good sister.

24. I am a good friend.

25. I am a good wife.

26. I am a squirter. (hasn't happened in like 2 years, but when I have an amazing orgasm I squirt... my body just decided to start limiting the O's :-( )

27. I am an advocate for abused children, abused wives, and people who grew up in the "fundamentalist quiverfull environment" (there are a LOT of caveats to this one, but I'm having a hard time reaching 50 :-p)

28. I give amazing hugs.

29. I have a pretty high pain tolerance when I want to.

30. I trust My Man enough to never watch on shows or movies when a doctor is cutting someone open or there is any type of "slicing of skin" because I know that it will tempt me and he has told me to close my eyes. And I do. Every. Single. Time.

31. I am very outgoing.

32. I am very exuberant.

33. I have a child-like excitement that is contagious and makes others want to get excited with me.

34. I am a brat. (hey, "positive is in the eye of the beholder and I behold this as amazing.)

35. I am good at praising My Man to other people, to making him look big, strong, and in charge.

36. I am an exhibitionist. (again positive to me ;))

37. I kick ass at scrabble.

38. I have a deep love and passion for music.

39. I am very generous.

40. I am super friendly.

41. I have a very responsive "guilt gut", like if a person (guy or girl) even approaches dominant I am immediately responsive. :)

42. I am a people pleaser. I REALLY want to make people happy!

43. I am very affectionate. If I love you, then you know it. :)

44. I love food. If you feed me something yummy you will hear about it for weeks how much I loved it:)

45. I am a very grateful person.

46. I am very honest. It's REALLY hard for me to lie, and I tend to "word vomit" and overshare rather than try to hide anything. (although when I do try to lie it's pretty comical)

47. I love My Man despite how flawed he is. ;-) (I might do 51 in case this one doesnt count)

48. I am very feminine and try to dress sexy/girly as much as possible.

49. I am good at writing budgets. (suck at following, good at writing :))

50. I plan awesome vacations!

51. I am cute.

Some pics of me I feel slightly positive about...




This one makes us laugh everytime - it's My Man telling me he is going to "spank me cherry red tonight in the hotel" at our wedding :D

50 Positives

Alright I promised 50 Positive Things, and even though she is at work this is dedicated to Fondles :D
(thanks for helping keep me sane dear :) Luke 'N' Rita are waiting for you ;-))

I am going to type 50 positive things about me that I know are TRUE.

1. My Man loves me. No matter how emotional or fat I am he loves me and is attracted to me.

2. God loves me. He sent His only son to die for me because HE thinks I'm worth it. He created me with the body and temperament that I have and HE loves me.

3. I am not crazy I am just experiencing stupid hormones. Thanks Eve.

4. I am good at cooking and making My Man feel cared for when it comes to food. (I am an absolute fuck up when it comes to caring for our house, but for My Man I am good at it. ;))

5. I have beautiful hair. (when it's brushed. Right now I've spent an hour trying to undo a waist length rats nest - I am never doing curls with hairspray again :))

(at this point I gave up and My Man said I needed to continue, so he gave me the next few - I don't think these are true, but he says I have to put them)
6. I have amazing boobs. (ok this is pretty true - I love my 42 DDs :D)

7. I can make friends anywhere.

8. I am good with children (except for the little girl who I cannot make obey by my sheer will :-p)

9. I love to sing worship songs.

ok, it's be on me now...

10. I am good at making rhymes.

11. I snore very well.

12. I am good at squashing people with my weight.

13. I am excellent at watching tv.

fuuuuuuck.

Alright. I am gonna have to try this one again. Apparently he has decided (notice it is "he" now, he doesnt get a "My Man" that it has to be 50, it has to complimentary AND true (so he loves me and God loves me while true are not nice things about me, and he says I suck a squashing people and snoring and tv are not complimentary :-p)

OH! And for everyone that doesn't meet that criteria (or if I dont make it to 50) I get a stripe for each one. I LIKE getting spanked/paddled - I HATE getting "stripes" GRRRR!! I am never coming up with a good idea again)

Dumping Depressed Diva

*sigh* I don't know what it is about my period mixed with being sick mixed with My Man being gone (although it happens when he is here too), but eventually, usually around this point, I just get down. I feel sad. I am tired. I am weary. I am ready for it to stop feeling sucky.

And I want to cut.

You'd think after all this time I'd have let go - I've be healed - I'd know how to handle this. But I don't. I mean I DO in the sense that I know to call or text My Man, I know to stay away from sharp things, I know to eat yummy foods, I know to read a good book or watch tv or call a friend. I know how to keep myself from doing the act, but I don't know how to fix how I feel. I can pray or read my Bible or sing worship songs, and that helps to a certain extent, but it just...hurts. And I hate that.

And then I start to tell myself all of the reasons why I feel this way or why I deserve to feel this way or how I am pretty dang lucky that I have infertility because if I had a kid or a baby right now I wouldn't be a good mom, and that's why I have infertility is because God knows I don't derserve to be a mom and..

LIES!!! LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!!!

I know they are lies, I can see they are lies, but it doesnt change the fact that they FEEL like the truth.

Or that I am like this because I am fat and I am fat because I am glutton and if I could just get a hold on my eating I'd be attractive and I'd be worth something and I'd be good enough and if I was skinny I could get pregnant and then I'd be happy and..

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!! :-p I am literally laughing now... I am just imagininging y'all reading this thinking "Soooo she is a nutjob, and a bit schitzo" ;-)

I am going to type 50 positive things about me that I know are TRUE.

1. My Man loves me. No matter how emotional or fat I am he loves me and is attracted to me.

2. God loves me. He sent His only son to die for me because HE thinks I'm worth it. He created me with the body and temperament that I have and HE loves me.

3. I am not crazy I am just experiencing stupid hormones. Thanks Eve.
( SIDENOTE - My Man called to tell me he was coming home from work and everytime he asked me "How are you?" I found a new topic... he didn't miss it for very long and anyways we started talking and I started crying and he offered me a "nice loving spanking" nd I said "NO! That's how I know I am so depressed is I don't even want that, even though I deserve one." He immediately asked me if my chore got done today, it didn't, so I basically have 20 minutes before he gets home to complete it. GRR. I dont feel good. I'm depressed. And I DONT WANT TO F'IN' LAUNDRY!!!! This is all in my head, all that comes out is "I dont want to. I dont feel good." He says with a very peppy voice "The question is not IF you will do it, but if you will do it WITH a spanking or WITHOUT!" Me: You're so mean. I dont feel good! Him: No, I'm so loving. I'm wonderful. I am offering you stability and loving consequnces. You should be thanking me for my lovingness.     _ _ _ _    _ _ _, kind sir. ;-)

The point of this interruption was I am going to go do the laundry and I HATE to have "drafts", so I am posting this and will post the list of good things after :))

I am taking Dumb Quizzes

and only posting the least of the dumb! 

What can I say? I'm bored! ;-) (Yes there are chores to be done, but I am sick and tired. :-p)

Oh I'm So Surprised... *my NOT shocked face* - 
http://www.quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/BonnieL/what-kind-of-spankee-am-i/#

You Scored as Brat SpankoYou would try the patience of a saint, and you probably already have. For you, flirting, teasing, and mouthing off are all well traveled roads to a good spanking. You no doubt deserve one right now.  Although I was only 1 point away from -  You Scored as Discipline Spanko Spanking for you is no laughing matter. It's an effective means of maintaining order and decorum. A sore bottom is a small price to pay for a valuable lesson I am sharing this one because I laughed outloud several times at the ridiculousness of it ;-) http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/279886/why-do-you-deserve-a-good-spanking You deserve to be spanked... because you're a liberal and it's all a right wing conspiracy! No? Did the quiz get that wrong? Well, the quiz is SURE that you deserve to be spanked because you think you can talk your way OUT of being spanked! There were others that were pretty dumb. The last one I was gonna share just 'cause it made me laugh (obviously a horny teenage boys or just a single guy who still lives in his mama's basement), but my computer sent to Rogue's blog when I clicked on "See Results" so I took it as a sign ;)

Trust

I have been thinking that maybe the "problem" doesn't lie in whether My Man is making a dumb choice or not, but in whether I trust him.

My Man is 4 years younger than I am 9 months out of the year. You'll see when I get to his part in my life story that I thought of him as a "dumb kid" most of the time that I knew him, and even after marriage it was (still can be at times) hard to think of him as "the boss" because I just viewed him as immature.

It is really hard for me to let go and trust that he is taking us the right direction. That he is making good,wise, grown-up choices.

So, in the "dumb stuff" I am trying to just let him lead and follow even if it means people think we are dumb, immature, rude, impolite, or we get a ticket.

But, then there are things where I wonder "Am I genuinely letting him lead or am I just shirking any responsibility I may carry in this?" Example - at least 10 times in our 3 year marriage he has forgotten to set his alarm, set it at the wrong time, or it somehow "died" or "turned itself off". We have been late for several meetings, he is late for work, we miss something important. And I WANT to set an alarm myself because "I can do it right" and up 'til this point I have held myself back and let him take the responsibility for it and if we are late the blame is on him not me. Now I am wondering if it isn't a lack of trust, but a show of responsibility to set my own alarm as well, so "in case" something goes wrong we won't be late... or am I just saying "I don't really believe you can get us up in time and I need a back up plan "in case" (meaning when) you fail." ??

This is so complicate for me. Am I over complicating things??

My Man just told me I need to find my InnerDom;-)

One of the little girls that I nanny for does NOT listen to me. I will tell her not to do something and she will look at me and do it again. Or do it as many times as she can before I can get to her and physically make her stop.

I cannot seem to discipline her. (time out. taking away stuff, nothing physical :)) I don't know why. I can discipline the other kids I watch.

The two reasons I don't are

1. Because I am so ANGRY with her I am scared that I am being unfair. My Man says it's not unfair to put her in time out because she blatantly looked me in the face and disobeyed...even though I am angry. :)

2. Because I want to extend grace to her. I hate legalism and "perfectionism". I don't want to "bring down the hammer" for everything wrong she does.

But it's getting worse and worse and her mom keeps telling me she needs to be given a consequence everytime or she won't believe I will be consistent and she will just run all over me.

Reminds me of me. :-p

To obey is better than sacrifice...

I have a question for my readers (and really for the bloggers that know so much more than I do :))

What do you do when your HOH tells you to do something or makes a decision and you think it's stupid or foolish or silly? What if you outright think it's wrong?

For the second category I feel free to tell him I feel it's immoral or "wrong" and if he persists in thinking that is the course we are going to take (and this has never happened in our marriage, where I said "I think this is WRONG" and he just decided we were going ahead with it) to go to one of his guy friends or our pastor or something and get them involved. Then, if they agree with him I can know I am just  being sensitive or something.

But, in the first category I am still trying to figure it out.

Example - Today the line at Chick Fil A was wrapping around the building and all of the parking spots were full, so My Man pulled into the handicap, told me to wait in the car, and he'd be "right out".

I said "Well, I'll just drive around until  you get out, so we don't get in trouble."

He said "No, just wait here. It'll be fine."

After he went in I started thinking "Well, I'll just drive anyways, I know we won't get a ticket that way and he won't really care."

But, then a little voice inside my head started saying "But he told you to stay here..." and I started thinking "worst case scenario, we get a ticket, and I obeyed." And decided to listen. He was less than 5 minutes and all was good.

But, it got me thinking - is it always the right course to just "do what he says" even if I think it's dumb or rude or whatever. Like, we are running late for a meeting with someone, he finds out I haven't eaten yet and tells me to make a sandwich or we are going through a drive-through. I think it's rude to keep the people waiting, but he feels it's important for me to eat first.

An example from our courtship was he let me borrow his truck to take my siblings to the library. He told me to park in the parking lot across the street which has big signs "No parking except for shopping center business, violators will be towed". I told him about it, he said it would be fine, I said "I really think it's a bad idea", he said "It's ok. It will be fine. Park there." So I did. And we got towed. I had to walk like a mile or more with 5 kids under 12. It was $100 to get it out of the tow lot. But I obeyed. ;-)

I am sure this will come up even more after we have kids and he either does or does not want our kids doing things and I don't agree... when it turns out I was right and he was wrong I ALWAYS tell him "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" and make a big deal about how he should have listened to my  superior wisdom, but with this new direction in our marriage I think that doesn't breed respect and I am trying to stop... but I can't help a little of it. ;-)

How do you ladies handle it? I am going to ask this one some blogs too!! :)

My Song...

I started writing this song in the car today - it touched my heart (no, not really).. you may hold your applause...and critiques. ;-) ;-) ;-)
(this is to be laughed at not taken seriously ;-))

*sung to the tune of "Barbie Girl*

I'm a chubby blob
My body makes you sob
When you see me
You'll scream "She's ugly!"
Used to fit that dress
Now I'm just a mess
I should diet
But I just can't try it

(not changed)
She's so ugly she disgusts me- oooh oooh ooh yeah
She's so ugly she disgusts me - oooooh yeaaah

I'm a gross plus sized girl
How I feel I should hurl
When I walk through the mall the guys vomit
From my face to my hips
Is remains from the chips
That I ate late one night in the closet
But I've got
boobies
and they swing when I'm standing still

I can't think of a good ending... so That's all... ;-)Here is the "best" picture from Halloween ;)