*sigh* I don't know what it is about my period mixed with being sick mixed with My Man being gone (although it happens when he is here too), but eventually, usually around this point, I just get down. I feel sad. I am tired. I am weary. I am ready for it to stop feeling sucky.
And I want to cut.
You'd think after all this time I'd have let go - I've be healed - I'd know how to handle this. But I don't. I mean I DO in the sense that I know to call or text My Man, I know to stay away from sharp things, I know to eat yummy foods, I know to read a good book or watch tv or call a friend. I know how to keep myself from doing the act, but I don't know how to fix how I feel. I can pray or read my Bible or sing worship songs, and that helps to a certain extent, but it just...hurts. And I hate that.
And then I start to tell myself all of the reasons why I feel this way or why I deserve to feel this way or how I am pretty dang lucky that I have infertility because if I had a kid or a baby right now I wouldn't be a good mom, and that's why I have infertility is because God knows I don't derserve to be a mom and..
LIES!!! LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!!!
I know they are lies, I can see they are lies, but it doesnt change the fact that they FEEL like the truth.
Or that I am like this because I am fat and I am fat because I am glutton and if I could just get a hold on my eating I'd be attractive and I'd be worth something and I'd be good enough and if I was skinny I could get pregnant and then I'd be happy and..
LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES!!! :-p I am literally laughing now... I am just imagininging y'all reading this thinking "Soooo she is a nutjob, and a bit schitzo" ;-)
I am going to type 50 positive things about me that I know are TRUE.
1. My Man loves me. No matter how emotional or fat I am he loves me and is attracted to me.
2. God loves me. He sent His only son to die for me because HE thinks I'm worth it. He created me with the body and temperament that I have and HE loves me.
3. I am not crazy I am just experiencing stupid hormones. Thanks Eve.
( SIDENOTE - My Man called to tell me he was coming home from work and everytime he asked me "How are you?" I found a new topic... he didn't miss it for very long and anyways we started talking and I started crying and he offered me a "nice loving spanking" nd I said "NO! That's how I know I am so depressed is I don't even want that, even though I deserve one." He immediately asked me if my chore got done today, it didn't, so I basically have 20 minutes before he gets home to complete it. GRR. I dont feel good. I'm depressed. And I DONT WANT TO F'IN' LAUNDRY!!!! This is all in my head, all that comes out is "I dont want to. I dont feel good." He says with a very peppy voice "The question is not IF you will do it, but if you will do it WITH a spanking or WITHOUT!" Me: You're so mean. I dont feel good! Him: No, I'm so loving. I'm wonderful. I am offering you stability and loving consequnces. You should be thanking me for my lovingness. _ _ _ _ _ _ _, kind sir. ;-)
The point of this interruption was I am going to go do the laundry and I HATE to have "drafts", so I am posting this and will post the list of good things after :))