Friday, November 30, 2012

I feel so boring...

I have been a SUPER good girl for days (Fondles - BE PROUD OF ME!! I bit these lips so hard they are permentantly dented ;-)), I haven't been spanked since the last time I posted about it (I want to say 3 days?), I have been pretty submissive - not like I am a doormat or anything - he doesn't want that, but I have been looking out for his needs and desires. I have been doing the diet PRETTY faithfully and exercising every day! :)

But, I feel boring. Like there is no point in blogging when I am a good girl. :-p

Sidenote - I have been struggling a lot. Like... wanting to cut, but not in a depressed way like I get these overwhelming emotions, and they feel like excitement or something, but then I have nothing to do with them. I am not acting out to relieve my stress/emotions, I am spending more time alone because My Man has to work late a lot, and I start fantasizing about cutting. Like maybe if I hurt myself it will magically make the world right? OR that if I hurt myself My Man will notice without me telling him and he will make me feel better. Which is like the dumbest thing EVER because all I have to do is say "Please help me." and he will drop everything and be there for me. I think in those moments I don't ask because I feel like there is nothing he can do to change what I am feeling, so what is the point? This is why I am so heavy - because our normal go to in this situation is "Feed her!" and there is some truth to that, when my body gets hungry I often don't register it's hunger I register it as depression or fear or excitement, so sometimes the answer IS eat. But, it's not always the answer...

Well there is my philosophical side for the day. :)


  1. I'm sort of in the same boat... I feel like there is some anxiety in my life and I want to turn to doing bad things right away (except I don't cut)and it's SO tempting... but I don't really want his help sometimes... I just want to hide and do what I want when I get like that.

    I feel like my hubby cant do much either to change my feelings.. well.. I have been spanked for it before, and not asking when I get that way...
    Maybe that's what you need?
    Mine calls it a clarity spanking.

    1. I TOTALLY know that one. He is often confused/hurt when he can see that I am struggling and miserable, but when he offers comfort or help I turn him away and want to be alone. :-(

      Heh Heh.... sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes me ornery. :-p :-)

  2. you know, sometimes it's not about ASKING for HELP> it's about asking for some affection.

    It's perfectly acceptable to say "i need you. I want to feel you next to me"

    a lot of why we don't feel "allowed" to do this, or we think "what can he do about it anyway?" is because we've learnt along the way that we're not worthy.

    well, that's what submission is sometimes about for me - learning that i AM worthy. of his love, his affection, his attention. and that i'm ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to say to him "I'm feeling out of sorts, can you please come and fix it just by being in the same corner of the room as I am?"

    And you CAN SO BLOG when you're not being bad.

    write about all the good things you did. HOW he appreciated you. WHAT you can do more.

    THINK aloud (here) about what else you could do for him, and tell us HOW it made you feel.

    That all helps reinforce the good feelings.

    also- read other blogs, and get thinking about issues that some of the others have... what's your spin on it? what are you views?

    and YES I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! Don't let us down.. we're both cheering you on from this corner of the world!!

    1. But in that mood I don't WANT his affection. I either want to be left alone, so I can brood. Or I want him to boss me around so I can defy him and be punished and defy him some more and be punished more so I can get all of the anger and sadness and hurt and everything out. Sometimes it works sometimes it does not. Sometimes I would keep going, but he puts a stop to it because either he is exausted or he knows I will push until I am ACTUALLY hurt. :-p

      Maybe it is the worthy thing, I don't think it is, but maybe. Mostly I am just hurting and angry and I want to feel that pain physically so I can stop feeling it emotionally.

      I have 4 blogs that I read every day, but most people's blogs are not helpful for me. :-p Fondles, I actually make an exception for yours. I have a fairly strict "No Dicks" rule... I HATE PENISES!!!! But, I just skip the pics on yours, so I can read the good things you have to say. :D

    2. Oh and thanks for being proud of me. *****GRIN****

    3. Well i AM!

      And i'll try to leave fewer penis pics on my blog unless they're absolutely necessary! (But my pics aren't very explicit are they? )

    4. Even though I am a brat? :-p And My Man's work clothes and the towels ( the two things he specifically asked me to wash) are in the washing machine. I may be bratty, but I do like to make him happy and deep DEEP down I want to be a good girl...who says sassy things and gets swatted for it ;-)

    5. oh and your blog isn't too bad overall... I don't even like to look at MY man's penis... I can't imagine having to look at other's. **shudder**

      He wants me to love his... he wants me to be excited to see him... once I get past what it is I can be pretty nice to Junior. I nicknamed his penis when we were courting and it stuck... it's doesn't mean IT is small it's just a smaller version of My MAn ;)

    6. on that vein we used to call it "Clara" when I got wet, and Megan was our first safeword... we are weird :)